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Relationships

Lesson 22 of 27

Relationships with Children: Guest Jadah Sellner

 

Relationships

Lesson 22 of 27

Relationships with Children: Guest Jadah Sellner

 

Lesson Info

Relationships with Children: Guest Jadah Sellner

She is the co founder of Family Sponge, which I'm gonna have to tell us about. And simple green smoothies does it right. Simple green smoothies with an S. In addition, she's known in as an expert in this whole field because she actually helped create a school is actually play environment for 2 to 4 year olds in Hawaii. That was based around the Montessori thought. And she's a thought leader in this area before. I just keep going on and on. I'm just gonna bring her on. Giada, come on on what I say I did, Tamara. I did to Mary. Thank you for joining us. You know, it's funny as I did. I practice it eight times. Jonah. Jonah, Welcome, Jada. Uh, have a seat. Please. Come join us. Thank you so much for taking the time. Can you tell us a little bit more about these organizations that you are a big part of a very big part of the founder? So I am the co founder of family sponge dot com, which is on inspiration playground for parents. So it's basically a way to remind parents how to unplug and r...

econnect with our Children and So we do that through inspiring them through different activities, whether it's world changing activities and starting eliminate, stand with your child or doing some, you know, eco friendly, recycled arts and crafts ideas. So we really try to create this platform in this movement for us to all be inspired on some positive parenting fun things to do with each other. And I personally love being able to go to places like that where all the ideas were waiting for me. Sometimes you feel so maxed out and be able to come up with death. That's wonderful and frequent smoothies, yet so simple. Yeah, but they are free. I'm also the co founder of Simple Green smoothies dot com and really, that came from trying to get more veggies, leafy greens and fruit into my body, my daughter's body, who has not been sick since we started drinking green smoothies. Yes, and so basically, we just share free green smoothie recipes. We have a free 30 day green smoothie challenge where were inspiring over 150,000 followers on Instagram, and we have 50, people signed up for a challenge right now, and one of my favorite things is just being able to hear people say my one year old steals my green smoothie and that just way should have you in the health and energy program. Do you think I I'm a huge believer that I think there's an incredible and we both are e plant based on. So we were like, Yes, you also say, plant based vegan. You know, we Yeah, I was a plant based, but I really try to make it so that no one buddies turned off by the green smoothie movement, so we don't label it. But we don't use any, um, dairy products. Added sugars. Anything like that. Gluten free. It's perfect for a vegan friendly, diet plant based diet. No, I think the word vegan contributor thought so. That's what playing bass has been this embraced term. But the truth is, there is a significant connection between these raw food sources and our body's ability to have this powerful immunity. Yes, so So as we just chatted a little bit, you overheard our conversation with Jenny One of the things I'm very interested in with this segment in terms of how how do you create a relationship obviously what? What I keep hearing is it requires some focus and creativity. And I'm yes, but creating these relationships with your Children that can last over time. What would be some of your suggestions? Well, some strategies that we use in our home is minutes of play every day. So what we do is we invite our daughter to basically tell us what she wants to do with us. I think in a very busy world, sometimes we're like, Let's go to the museum. Let's go do these fun things and all the planets. You do all the planning and, you know, sometimes they can end up like the kids dragging and they're tired, and I some time that's what the brochure said. Absolutely right. So, um, what I found is to make it more simple and connecting with our daughter. And we allowed her to basically name what this 30 minutes of play is. So it Zoe time, right? And held Michigan. She's six years old six years ago, and I find now that she was in school, that we have to work even harder to connect with her and be really present with her. So the 30 minutes of play really allows us to say, Hey, we're here at your disposal to do whatever you want to dio so and it's a one on one time. And what I realized when we do that is that she's able to tell us what she's really interested in doing with us. So it's not going to the museum and to the beach all day. But she's just like Mommy. Can you just sit down with me at the table and draw next to me? It's so simple, but it's also you start to learn a lot about yourself as a parent is that it's also kind of hard of 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with your child. Do that. Yeah, don't do that. It's your like I cannot believe 30 minutes is so long on. I'm glad you say that because I think sometimes, as parents, we can watch a conversation like this and say, I'm such a horrible person. If I really think about 30 minutes when I'm doing nothing else with my child, I don't do you know. And the goal isn't like, feel badly about yourself. Yes, it's start to get in the mode of practicing because it is an effort because we feel like there's so much to do. That's another thing you do on git feels like a passive activity where we're not accomplishing anything. And yet the accomplishment is being able to just play with your child and be present and allow them that peaceful yes, and if it feels 30 minutes feels too long, start with five minutes every day. And I think with anything is building the habit in the practice like we're not naturally like, I want to be on the ground with my child. 24 7 right? So how do if it's really important for us to connect with our family? How do we build that habit? The same thing with green smoothies. We just just do it every day for 30 days and see what happens. It is awesome. So how can you give yourself to weeks of 30 minutes of uninterrupted play with your child and not touch your phone like we need a net monster in our house? Yeah, just being really could be an app like shock on your turn on every time. Well, Daniel Craig later so and then what? I heard you say was also not feeling bad about ourselves. So one of the things that we also do in our family is communication. And that's communication with my husband. Communication with my daughter on how we deal with our emotions. And so I'm not perfect. I lose it a yellow I'm like, Ah, positive parent. But I'm freaking out right now. I e parenting website, Please, Nobody catch me. No, I really, um very honest with my daughter on when I screw up, I let her know that you know what? Mommy really lost it. And I'm sorry. And I asked her for feedback on How can I How can it be better next time? You know, I was really frustrated that you weren't listening to me. I yelled, We don't like to yell in our family. What could I do next time? Do you have any suggestions and yet ideas? Right. And it's my favorite because the things that she comes up with this mommy, you could scream in a pillow like OK, yes, because I said that to her. Like when you're feeling really angry and frustrated, go screaming a pillow, read a book, and just have quiet time, so it really gives her a chance to kind of practice the lessons that we've been teaching right and getting to tell me what to dio. I think I think it's extraordinarily powerful about that. Is your obviously We'll talk about a second the idea of modelling behaviour, because I think that's a big, big point there. But the other thing is, you know, we talked about there's theory in this practice. There's fear in this practice. You can theoretically tell her that I want you to go screaming a pillow, but that doesn't mean that's the first thing that comes to mind. But when she starts teaching you that, it's more apt to come into her mind for her to do herself. That's part of that. I think that feed that could be really power, absolutely. And another suggestion that she likes to give is breathing. So just breathing deep yoga breaths. And so I have my own yoga practice and she has kids yoga practice and so we're able to come together on a lot of like how we communicate and how we deal with stress of just being able to just just breathe, and that's one of my favorite moments with her is when we're either. She's frustrated. I'm frustrated. We come together and we just breathe together. Actually got to do that with your daughter over their loved. And she was just taking deep breaths with such daughters. Annalise are Sophie and finally okay, they they all do forms of yoga and we do the breathing, meditation and another strategy that my husband just kind of incorporated into our family, which I really love, is taking a mental picture. She shared this? Yes. So it is being able to leave my cell phone at home that I don't need to go capture every moment on camera and then connect with the world and post on Facebook and Instagram, which is really being present with each other in the moment when we're at a playground and my husband, I just feel like I'm taking a mental picture right now soaking up the weather, the ease of parenting Right now, Daughter decided on just and really kind of building up our memory muscles because I think our smartphones are so smart that they're making us a little bit dumb way, Don't think, and we don't remember as much. So you don't think there's something you just google it? Yeah, Google. And then just post player is that instead of come up with this sort of thought process where they really break it down and come up with a complex solution, they just go to Google to Yeah, absolutely. So you're right with dumbing us down? Yeah. So just being in the moment and taking a mental picture in your day whenever you see that there is just ease and peace and just being able to like, I'm gonna put that in my memory box, and I'm really enjoying this moment right now, So you're and what you're doing also is showing your Children how to be more present. Absolutely giving them This is exactly what we're doing right now. Every time you take a mental picture, you might as well be saying I want you to practice presence. Yes. Yeah. Which again that our Children are growing up in a world that's faster pace than anything we knew at that age on day. Need these tools even more than we need them now because they have a whole world ahead of them with this. Yeah, So you had also mentioned to me earlier something about 11 logic program which I actually love. That school. Yes. You share a little bit of that? Yes. So my husband and I read the same book so that we're on the same page about parenting philosophy, and one of our favorites is love and logic. And what they teach you is being able to teach your Children to be responsible for their own actions and that if we can teach our Children to be problem solvers younger, that this will help them when they're teenagers when they're adults. And so I really take pride in being able to pop album solve. And if we can teach our kids that to problem solve, you know, when they're in a in a pickle If they did something bad or they kind of messed up, it's like, Ah, man, that really sucks. Like so what you gonna do about it? So it's no longer have you rushing. Yeah. Yes. So we're not rushing to fix it, and we're also not being the bad guy anymore. It's kind of like, wow, about that kind of sucks that you did that. So what you gonna do now like and this is where we're kind of doing it together as a family is being able to problem solve and figure out what it is she needs to do. So usually say, you know, do you have any ideas or suggestions on what you could do about that on? She might be like, No, I'm like, Oh, would you like me to come up with some ideas and suggestions and yeah, so then this gives me an opportunity to kind of give her some tools to play with. And so love and logic is really big on that is that we are consultant. Parents were not helicopter parents were hovering over a child. Every move and I've been guilty of it. Trust me, I hover at the playground and use your words and doing so. It's taking a break from that and also not being a drill sergeant. It's like you do this. You do that. You do this. So So it's really being able Teoh, give them the space to problem solve and that we problem solve as a team. And so then I get to say, you know, here's some things that I'm thinking about, that you might be able to dio and then usually after I give her ideas than she's able to give me some ideas, too. But then, collectively, we can come up with, like, what is the best idea? What do you think is the best idea? So it's always leaving her to practice those decision making skills. And so where love and logic says that this works, especially in the teenagers years. We practice it when they're young that when they're out there in the world and they're with their friends under peer pressure, that they've been practicing that these decision making skills and problems off solving skills at a young age that now they're able to do it on their own. So now they're thinking. So, like, instead of calling you from prison, why not go to prison, right? Absolutely So it's giving them the tools and the confidence. I think it's huge is having the confidence to you know what? I think I can work myself out of this, so I think I can figure out some ideas that I'm thinking about. How do I get out of this, or how do I make this better now? I think that I think that's hard to do. But when it's hard just to sit back and not fix it, because our immediate impulse to actually speak for myself, my immediate impulse is to make it better for them. You know you want Teoh sue their emotions. You want to put the bandit on the cut. You want Teoh immediately. Give the hug. It's hard to stop and say, Well, why do you think that? You know, for instance, my daughter has a friend who tells her that she has anger management issues. My daughter. Well, it's not my fault life, anger management issue. And everyone said, Well, she just kind of exploded. Say something really mean. And then my daughter will come home in tears, and what I want to do is give her a hug and say, She's that you're right, Andi. He's not a jerk just as anger management on. But instead, what I try to do is say Well, you know, sometimes straitjacket myself from, not really. And just say, Well, tell me a little bit about how this unfolded in this and that pause. I don't think come that these for me, it doesn't come naturally Yeah, it's definitely practicing, and I think when they're young were on them. But then I started to notice every time she fell would have happened if I just don't say something right away, right? And now when my daughter falls and scrapes for nations like I'm OK, OK, OK, OK. I don't have to, like, run and rescue you and hunger in this moment, but I'll usually even if she says I'm okay. I'm like, Do you need a hug? So it's like giving them the permission to react and feel on their own. And so, even with your daughter, you know, you can ask her Well, how does that make you feel every time your friend says you have anger management issue and she, her friend, has anger management issues. Yes, I think mine used more anger. Just wilt, but the other Yeah, exactly like coming up with suggestions and ideas of how do we problem solve through that work with the personality that way could learn that at age two, as we know, yes. But it will become because that's where you get into. I think that's part of the relationship that becomes so important with our kids is that when our Children get into experiences where they are being bullied and against serious and it gets damaging and it becomes threatening In many ways, this stuff you're doing here at home is what gives them the tools to handle those and sometimes very scary situation. Yeah, And I think when you say that especially about bullying, is being able to prep your Children for what's to come so they can kind of have the practice of those tools. So I can constantly remind her that you can always talk to these people if you're having a problem, right? Or, you know, you can always talk to me. There was an example of Zoe and I walking down the street and this this man came up to us. He was Mormon, and he just wanted to introduce himself and talk to us about the word. And so my daughter felt really uncomfortable that a man was coming up to us and talking to us and, you know, is holding her hands and you're not talking stranger danger, like was in her body, right? And she was not talking at all. She wasn't, you know, we teach her to say, like, Hi, how are you? But also respect her boundaries, that she ever feels uncomfortable. We never forced her to hug somebody for you know where we want her to be in touch with her intuition, A young age, and so afterwards, uh, we sat down before we got to the library and I said it seemed like, you know, you were struggling a little bit that you didn't want to talk to this person told me about it and she was like, No, I'm embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I can't tell you what I'm feeling. I'm like, Oh, my gosh, Just have a crush on this old man. I really happening. So we just sat for a while and I couldn't get moving on going in the library. But I felt this was a really important way for me to open up the communication lines with my daughter. And I said, I know you're embarrassed, and I know it's uncomfortable for you to talk about this, but I really want to know how you're feeling. So if we were sitting there for a good 10 minutes when she was just like I'm embarrassed, just like I'm here for you. And I want you to know, even when you don't feel comfortable, you feel embarrassed that I'm gonna listen to you. I'm not going to judge you. And she's like, I don't know what your response will be. And I like I just want to listen. So being able todo So So we sat there and she was like, Oh, let me spread And you know, she was just so comfortable like that. And she said that Kai wants to marry you on I was just kind of like, OK, I can deal with that When she felt like this man was intruding on basically her daddy and her mom. But how did not ask her? And had I not, like, followed through with that moment, right? I would have never really known what she was thinking. So this is just something that I was like. I hope that this will continue when she's 17 year. And yes, and that's what we wanted. That's the whole point of relationships. Is that you say, You know, you can tell me anything, and that means you have to hear some things as they get older that make you win. Yeah, That's a really hard thing to do, because when you might want to say, like, No, no, no, that is not okay on what you're doing, unfortunately, is kind of cutting off the ability to be the receiver times kind of difficult messages. You know, we were actually joy in the office, were talking to your daughter the other day, and she was some stories about like like, interpersonal conflict and sixth grade and stuff like that. And I I noticed you just listening and you weren't gonna say that this year. That's what I talk about. I think it's interesting, like as they get older and you start to feel like What's my role of the parent when they start to move into their own adulthood and boyfriends and best friends and things that you can't do as a parent for them, they have friendships, and I have to sit on my hands a lot of time, right just so that you can still continue to be the person they feel they can go to. I think that is that it's funny that how the challenges just keep shifting as they get older. You know, I have very different challenges with my eight year old who still like emotionally five Exeter's loving to play and and then my 11 year old who wanted to take over the show today and told me I could go. Now I've got it here. Mom s Oh, you know that. It's it's very exciting. And I think part of that underlying thing is it doesn't matter if they are six year old embarrassed to say something and you sit with them or their 16 and they're embarrassed to talk about something. You sit there, and the topic and the subject matter will be strikingly different. But if you are still the person they can trust and it says it's okay and let's talk through this that's the relationship heart that sometimes we miss. Yes, and I, um, find myself even when my daughter was two years old, already reading books about having a teenager because I'm freaking out that much that s being able to figure out what is it that she's gonna go through later that maybe I can start planting the seeds now and building community and relationships with people so that she has powerful models in her life that are not just me or my husband that she can look towards. And also I think you know, they as they get older, they want to spend time with their friends. So how can we cultivate those those relationships in the future? You know that they might be ableto last them when they start young. So I'm definitely doing my homework now for teenage years. Yeah, you mentioned earlier that one of the things that you'll do is you'll ask her for advice or you'll say, Sorry, Mommy just got way out of hand. I get really frustrated. One of things I noticed when you said that was that. That's that's also something that takes a little bit of effort to be able to show our Children that we are not perfect and that we make mistakes. But what you're doing is you're modeling for her how to apologize, yes, how to how to be a fair partner in any sort of relationship. And again, it doesn't matter what the dynamic is. Your being justice fair to her and saying, You know, I did something wrong and I'm not perfect. And then you're giving her this great example of what then she can do for you and other people in her life. Yes. And another thing with that that I love is that she also knows that I'm not perfect. And I known up to that so that I don't have all these rules for her. And she's just failing them every single day and you're not. I spill milk and I don't do anything about it. Don't freak out. If my husband spills water, I'm like, uh, baby, That's okay. I'll clean it up for you. My child spills. Malcolm, wake out on them. So how can we incorporate some of the respect and love that we give to our piers to our own child they their human being and deserve that we're not perfect, right? And that it's okay for her not to be perfect all the time. So being giving myself permission to apologize to my daughter when I do mess up really takes the heavy weight off of me feeling like I have to be perfect. Yeah, And I don't beat myself up because I do this. So I know that I mess up and I get frustrated, and I don't feel bad because I'm able to have a really intimate relationship with my daughter in a conversation of I'm a Stop, but I'm really sorry, and I said I wouldn't do it and I did it again. Yeah, so it is that is that that we know this. We talked a little bit earlier about how nonverbal, so much more powerful verbal tone over content. You know, Children's. The highly sensitive person tends to feel the emotion before they hear the words Children do that like crazy, right, like crazy. So on that that's what you're giving them in terms of modeling that you know the other thing, too. I was actually on Twitter when my oldest came over, and she has. She's had this experience a couple times where she's been, you know, bullied. I think a lot of kids in sixth grade, fifth grade, fourth grade. They're starting to experience some of that, and luckily, I think the schools are getting way smarter about how they handle it. But I actually was on Twitter and reading feed, and there's someone made some kind of little snarky Post pulled up, and I said, Can you believe adults are still doing this? You know, and then I read it and I explained it and I said, Somebody out there feels exactly what you feel, you know, all the time. I get it, your dad gets it. You know, everybody who's alive in the world has somebody they feel bullies them, whether it's to their face or it's up against the locker or it's just some snarky comment, they make this will. This will continue to occur. So let's work now on what we do with it, you know, and treat that like a very real time thing because I think part of how we treat bullying is we say the bull, your needs. Teoh have all these ramifications. But the person who's being bullied needs to understand how to emotionally process. That needs a lot of attention to on that. I think that's part of that relationship. Absolutely. Hearing is you're giving them the tools. Yes. Do you guys have any questions for Giada or to be have a thing online? Yes, we dio one question for data from Hassan Netherlands. How do you make the time to have 30 minutes with each child when you have four kids? Awesome. That's a great question. So some of the things that you can do is you could split it up with the 30 minutes, or you can also shorten it. So it's maybe it's 15 minutes or even 10 minutes. Imagine being able to give each child seven minutes, you know, that's 28 minutes total. So if you had four kids and you said, you know, starting the timer seven, then it's whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. Let's do it. How crazy that that is. That seems like nothing. And yet, if you really were to think about your day, are you doing that? Yeah, it is crazy because I'm not perfect and I don't get it every time. And I'm like, Wow, so that means that I didn't have minutes of uninterrupted time with my child, and that's kind of scary, right? So you know, if we want to be able to connect with our kids when they're out in school and they're doing sports like, when do we get to create and build that that relationship, the foundation we have to put in the work because that's different than sitting on the sidelines watching them play again? Absolutely. Yeah, Yes, because that can. That can be the time where you're talking, taking your child to Starbucks and having some coffee together or being able to just sit down and read a book. Even I think as our kids get older, we stop reading them books. But I believe that kids love hearing their parents. Read them a story, whatever it is. So maybe it's, you know, seven minutes of I'm going to read you a chapter from your favorite book. I'd love to read it out loud to you in the bed, and then you have another seven minutes to go to your next child and your next child. It's It's what works in your schedule. If you look out your day, how much free time do you have to connect with your Children? And I do believe they're worth it and that you schedule in that time, just like when you do your laundry and yes, you, it's if it's important you schedule it absolutely. And actually, one of the things I do we talked earlier about the schedule. One of things on my schedule at least once a week and sometimes more often than that is a private breakfast with each kid. And so before anything even kicks off its a get out of bed early pulled the kid out, and they know that before it's even if it's just one a week with each child individually. Every three weeks I'm having this 45 minute time where we sit and have breakfast. There's no phones and there's nothing. And then I take them to school. It's this private time, and the other thing I'll do a lot is grocery go grocery shopping with just one right, and it's incredible the amount of conversation you can have with one child when you go shopping when you do it. Multiple kids. The dynamic changes the one. The one child is a whole different person when they're one on one with you. Then within a group, you guys agree that they felt that yes, like how much more important it is to make that one on one time because probably so much more rare. You have one child. If that would probably have a significant impact on them growing up the significant time, even short amount of time, one on one that there so many kids, absolutely do any of you guys have some suggestions of things that you have found have been very successful for you in terms of things that you do that help create relationships with your Children, those of you who have Children. This goes to what you were saying about being open and honest and apologizing to them. And I think about keep making analogies between the relationship with your spouse or partner and your Children. And if you're not demonstrating and giving that first to yourself into your spouse, how are you gonna teach it to them? Absolutely. And you know, they always say, Don't go to bed angry. You're in a fight with your spouse. I try to do that with my kids, Like, you know, I don't want to leave Jim. I want them to go to sleep thinking Mommy's mad at me. Yeah, I did something wrong. So even if it it's been a horrible day for me and I put it out on them, I try to go lay down with them and make sure they know I'm sorry I screwed up. Yes, I love you can talk to me about anything you do. You know anything and you may ask a question quickly. Huge question. Go. I'm just gonna hang. I just had to deal with some really heavy topics with my kids. I have 14 and six year old and course initially, the six year old is only able to process. But their grandfather passed away this year, and it's been at first my six year old. I thought he was just gonna, like, melt down everything, but it didn't seem to bother him. And that bothered me that he wasn't seriously affected by that. He was like Pop pops in this guy, that's fine. And then later, as the months have going on, you know, they talk about it and it comes up. He'll burst out in tears, and I'm like who you know, have toe be ableto figure it out for myself before I helped him with. And then you have other things like the school shooting, you know, and how that happened to first graders and I. And so how do I explain it to them without making them seem like the whole The whole world is such a violence. Very plain right? Yeah. We actually had someone who did a guest post about dealing with that dealing with, like a grandfather passing away. And it's still keeping the communication open and and saying that I am here for you to talk to you any time you want to talk about it and that it's hard on Mommy, too. It's really hard and being able to cry and process those emotions together that it is okay to cry. You know, I think that's an important message for our young boys to hear. To that, um, they can cry and that I really appreciate you being able to share this with Mommy. I know it's hard, and I think as far as like, the worldview, um, that's such a scary thing. You know, we're trying to protect our so much I'm on on on call home school, so it freaks, you know, definitely configures out as it was on the on call home school. Like if my daughter was really, like having a hard time, I might just pull out of school. Okay? Yeah. So it's being able to be in tune with what your Childs needs are. What do they need from you? What do you need from me? Is there anything that I can help you with in processing those big events. We wrote about that to about 9 11 and maybe it's through art and drawing a story or how they process that some people do bad things and being able to let them know that people do bad things in this house we don't. But there are people out there that do bad things, and we have to be cautious of who's who's in our world and protecting our family. And that's why we like to stay really tight as a family, you know, and letting them know why you do the things that you dio because the world out there, there are some scary things. But there's also really good things in the world to so being able to show them both sides of you know that the traumatic things that are going on, but also the amazing things and and honoring that. So it's not just they see all the bad things on the news, but what are the people that are doing really good stuff in the world and showing them that, too, so they know there's another option. There's another way to live in our society and being able to see more models of that than the violence. Yeah, I do remember, after the, uh, bombings at the Boston Marathon, the the quote that went around Twitter quite a lot like wildfire was Mr Rogers wrote. That said, whenever something bad happens, remember to look for the helpers. There's something I think I have. That quote, pretty like that I thought was brilliant for Children is to remember the look that every time you say something awful, you see so many people trying to help you see so many people turn up. We've seen so many people just emotionally wrought in what can I do? And how can I change this on def to kind of keep your either. So you better understand the ratio of who's out there, you know, because sometimes like what you said, sometimes it seems like everywhere you turn, I actually get angry when I see it. I'm like, Why are you what? You get angry because it happened and that people are victims. But then, like and then I have to tell my Children one more thing. That makes it seem like this world is so scary and one that comforts of how with my husband was he? He remembers growing up the group in New Jersey. You scared? Grab in New Jersey. And he remembers that his dad is Dad to this day is a news junkie. The news would always be on, and he just remembers just growing up thinking. And when I stepped out of my house and probably gonna get shot like he just had a sense of this, that the world is a horribly scary place. And if you don't leave the boundaries of this and you have to be worried all the time and it led to a lot of anxiety for him at a very young age that he didn't understand, I think also part of managing that is I talked earlier about focusing consumption like focus your consumption. We have a practice that our kids, we just meet the commercials. We fast forward to that. So I don't need that going in their psyche and making them feel like everything so terrifying. Yeah, yeah. Who was raised their hand? Yes, I really like your approach because I think there's a certain amount of dignity given to Children with that approach. Um, and then there's this. So I come from a teaching background. So for me, I really am in tune with what you're saying and I appreciate it and thinking about starting a family down the line. Um, I feel like I'm gonna be on your blood, all that. I know I like that because I feel like it gives the Children a certain amount of autonomy or teaching them to to be able to be on their own with your support, but that they're learning to become autonomous and independent and problem solvers. And I'm really big on that. One thing I was gonna say is very similar to how we use talk your daughter through problem solving. My best friend, who is an administrator. She started doing this at her school, and I started putting that into my classroom. But instead of saying like, Don't do that, she was like, OK, can we make a better decision? What's a better decision? And she lets them kind of process goes first. They're thinking, OK, so this is a lot of good decision, so that means I need to stop this, and then the kids actually have to then process that and then make that switch on their own. I mean, she shall help guide them when they're younger, but you start seeing it. And in her school it's just like it's dramatic, like you see the change. Legislate, can you make a better decision, please? And it's also more positive because Children slightly better feeling cause not like your evil. Stop doing that. And so I've seen her do it with her nieces, nephews. Now I do, and my niece and nephew. So I love that because it just kind of flips it around and it gives the power to them a little bit. It gives them the choice is or gives them the ability to make those choices. I understand you're dating. Do you think you could make a better decision? Wait, Period E. I love that you're practicing already like practicing even before having Children, which is other people's Children. I would do that with my husband's nieces and nephews and and it's just getting the practice in all, everything is practice, you know, we're gonna mess up, and we just have to experiment also with what works best with your child, because every child is so different. So very different on how they receive information, how they receive love. One other book that I love reading is the five love languages. We just reverted that they moved Andi, just like you were saying that they all crossed over into how we connect with our partners. And our spouses are very similar things that we need to incorporate with our own Children that those dynamics all have toe happen and boundaries have created. You know, our daughter never wants us to go on date night, but we make it very clear that date night is happening. Mommy's love languages quality. It s being able to create those clear boundaries and just being able to practice. It's all just practice and we mess up. And so I think when you give you permission yourself, permission to to mess up, apologize and start over. Then you get the practice and you always get better. And that's that's the best thing. And then I also wanted to add into the bedtime stories or at bedtime, being able to do not go to sleep angry. Those are actually the most perfect moments. To talk to your Children is at bedtime, so I know usually bad time. You just want to go to a bad as quickly as possible. So you have me time. You know, I have a bottle of wine, but those air the best moments to connect with your child because they want to stay up a little bit longer. Really appointed whatever you want to do is long. So if I start an apology session or like wow is a hard day for me today with my daughter at bedtime, embed the conversations get so deep, like I'm like, Wow, you're only you know that these moments, like you're only five years old and not your sex and the deep conversations that happen and they'll call you out on stuff which I love is like What? Yeah, that's what Mommy did that was start going on a roll at night time. But in the moment of when those things are happening, we think we need to have those deep conversations. In that moment, you can't The same thing with 11 logic is that you can't reason with the unreasonable. So whether I'm losing it or my daughter's losing it and then try to have this deep lecture about better choices, is not going to happen, and it's not gonna be effective. So usually at the end of the day, where we can kind of really process, have a more intimate moment of just cuddling and ed together and just and talking, and because they want that extra 10 minutes to be awake is the perfect time to really connect with your child at that time. Absolutely. And I know a number of friends I don't I'm not bury it with teenagers but have a number of friends who have friends whose kids were teenagers. And they said that they have found that they're finding longer routes to go to places because in the car is the only time that teenagers will really talk to them on DWhite. One friend of mine says that she if there's a rule that there's no radio on the thing you can't be on your phone on, Dshea said. Just the fact that I know that since he doesn't have to look at me, I'll hear more will hear more from him because he feels safer that way. Kind of like it's easier to post on Facebook. Sarah, Does that sound familiar? When you start talking about the bedtime, sleeping if I lay down next to how, tell us how old you. But I have two boys. One. It's almost 16 and the other is 12.5 on both of them. If you lay down next to them and there's just something different for them about not having to look you in the eye, tell us, I think maybe especially for boys. I don't know. Yeah, for girls. E o really honest conversation and car rides. And so there's something that you noticed that when they don't have to make eye contact, they're that much more open. And that's that. That's where you don't push, push, say, Look me now that you grant them their space and that's that's respect and dignity for them is respecting that. That's where they are. I think that's fantastic. And so with your 16 year old, that's still something just laying down next to him and looking out and down. He'll just opened right up. Yeah, there's probably something about that that that's very comforting to what's actually. Sometimes he'll text me your next, lying in bed theme the next room in the next room, he will if there's something that he really wants toe, tell me. But he can't tell me he will text it to me, and I let him know that's perfectly acceptable form of communication. I love that. What I love about that is that you're giving him when we're out to reach you. Instead of saying no, we don't do text talk me. Well, if it's easier for him and he gets to communicate, absolutely. It's kind of are what we have to be doing. His parents being more flexible. Yeah, well, that's good one. Yes, we have a couple of great questions that are coming in Internet for Giada Um, and the 1st 1 is, um, that newbie says I have a friend who will not apologize to her kids because she thinks that the kids will lose respect for her. Can you please offer some advice? That's a good question. So obviously that's her friend. That's making that choice of no apologies. And my husband and I, we talk about that a lot about respect, and, um, it can be hard going that route sometimes, especially for men. I think my husband can feel very disrespected by our daughter and moments. But when we're looking at the bigger picture that we're raising a human being, that we want to be able to survive in this world and communicate in a very loving way with the people that she comes in contact with, yeah, that we just believe apologies are important. And for her, if she's choosing that, the apology loses the respect. I honestly, I just don't believe that. I believe that every human being deserves the respect to be able to apologize and say when we mess up and to be able to model that. But if that's her personal choice, that she feels that she's not being respected, if she apologizes, I can understand where she's coming from. But when we apologize, it's just saying I messed up and that's okay. So sometimes it's like World was holding ourselves up as we're this bigger, better person that's in control of everything by not so yeah, and so there's other ways to to create those boundaries of respect without saying that I'm not going to apologize, but if you really touching your teaching your child, you don't apologize. Yeah, and I know many adults that that for like this is just the way I am, so whatever. And we've been talking about that when you take a step out and see if someone was to say that she will. Look, that's just the way I am. I'm not gonna change. I'm not gonna do these things. You have to really do. I want to be around this person. Are they really supporting the type of lifestyle that I want in my life right now? And if you're wanting to interact with that, that type of mentality, some people, it's OK. But for me, I believe in apologies, and I think that it's important no matter how old your child is. Now, if they're messing up the there's consequences that you can create with them in a very loving way with limits. And so that's kind of I think that's brilliant. I completely agree with you just to piggyback. I heard heard. Um, it said once I think I read it somewhere and it just got struck me as a parenting rule. This is something that I thought about often is that when you're thinking about yourself as a parent to this child to remember that this soul is on loan to you that this child does not belong to you, that you don't own this child. You don't own the spirit. You're the one to guide them and show them and treat them with dignity and shape the soul as best you can. And I think if you can think about it that way, it removes you from feeling this like you must respect me. And I am never wrong. And it helps you, Teoh. Just just think I'm supposed to just care for this soul as best I can so that they can do their best Rob when they get older, there's just so much respect and dignity in that. And there's also a line that we say to our daughter because she can also say You need to say sorry for that and I'm like, I eyes is I'm feeling really disrespected right now. Uh, and just being very honest, like you're crossing the line and I'm feeling disrespected right now and that's not OK, so modeling and that they between, you know, in that disciplinary thing you still have to be able to set them up to be kind in this world people. So it's not being doing this type of intentional parenting isn't about being walked over by your child and them do whatever they want. It's being able to raise them as decision makers. Problem solvers in people that respect people that they come in contact with are able to decipher when. Maybe I shouldn't spend a lot of time with this person because they don't respect my boundaries and then that's OK. We don't have to be friends with everybody in this world, right? We have to respect them. But we don't have to be friends and invite them into our personal world. And so if I model that and then my daughter learns that, then she can go out into the world and kind of know, like that person doesn't want apologize. OK, so and again. I kept saying for last couple weeks I'm teaching to incredibly different courses. Opposing is a photography workshop and then this. But I'm finding a 1,000,000 parallels between them as we're doing this, which is one of the things I do when I'm photographing Children or anybody is nearer for them what I want them to do, and that's with it's your constantly nearing for them what you want them to learn. Absolutely. It's pretty incredible. The chat rooms air, finding the cell very incredible as well and very much relating. It is a time for our break, though. Wow, any wrap up? You'd like todo I just want to thank you. Can you tell us a little bit about what people confined when they go to, especially for family Sponge? What can they find when they go there? Yeah, So family sponge is all about unplugging and reconnecting with your child or actually working on adding in a 30 day challenge to really connect with your child and take a digital detox That's not yet to talk. But if you add yourself to our email list, you'll definitely be in tune of when that happens. And basically all of our articles Air really surrounded around around raising Children that our world changers, by modeling that, as well as unplugging from the TV as much as possible and reading and doing art together and being in small inspired by doing, you know, recipes, kid friendly recipes where you can really just play with your child. So that's kind of what we do is really giving a lot of inspiration. And then the 30 day green smoothie challenge that we do One simple green smoothies I connect with my daughter on. I mean, sometimes she turns on the blender, right, and is adding bananas and spinach waiting. Just I don't want you to turn the I s. So those were the two places that you can find me. A simple green smoothies and family sponge. Wonderful. Absolutely. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you so much. And you could just stay up there until weeks since we're about to go to break. But I do have to say that I immediately went and signed up for your newsletter for the simple green smoothies. Because in in tomorrow's last class in this all in one hell theories I bought a juicer. Eso I'm excited. Teoh, check out your site and get those newsletters. Thank you. And then for the other one. I mean, I don't know about any of you are waiting to get to a computer to sign up, but if you think about anybody in your life that has Children, that just sounds like such an amazing resource. I'm a proud auntie. So excited. Yeah, my sister way are going to take a 20 minute break. Tamara, how we're going to bring it all together. When we come back, we're gonna come back and talk you mentioned a little earlier about like, there's some You have to be friends with everybody where they start out with toxic relationship. Just quickly touch on that mostly from the perspective of better understanding what they really are and how that's different than a relationship. That's just not going well. There are certain things that you can identify fairly well s were started with that and they're gonna talk about friendships that should be in your life. And why a swell a social media, And then we're gonna means a lot. Teoh kind of close up. We're gonna close on really well. I have so loved this day. Hey, Hello. I can't wait for the wedding. Much about sex. I'm ingenious. It's pretty great. Tamara grabs a couple a couple things that the Internet is saying. Lorna's lenses. This is wonderful. I'm having so many lightbulb moments over the last few days. My head is like a Vegas. Thank you, Tamara. Awesome. As always,

Class Description

Relationships are integral to all aspects of a fulfilled life — from compassionately parenting your children to effectively communicating with business partners. Through strengthening your relationships, you are able to amplify your happiness, confidence, and business potential. Join renowned professional speaker Tamara Lackey for a 2-day workshop focused on improving the quality of your relationships — starting with developing a strong sense of self. Guided by Tamara and a panel of experts, you will learn the communication skills needed to be a great leader, a present parent, and a loving partner. Whether you are looking to expand your professional network or reprogram your dating life , this course will provide you with a roadmap for developing satisfying, functional relationships.

Reviews

Trudi Butler LSWPP
 

Brilliant insightful course. Extremely helpful advice and practical solutions. I find Tamara a very warm, knowledgeable, fun and understanding instructor and almost everything she said rang true with me and probably everyone would find the same. I hesitate to say it's been a life-changing course for fear it sounds cheesy but it's definitely had a profound effect! Thank you so much Tamara for your honestly!

a Creativelive Student
 

I have read a review that i highly disagree with. I got more out of this course than I have from many overpriced therapy sessions, with so called qualified practitioners. She is honest about her qualifications and I feel lucky that she did not let her lack of formal training stop her from sharing her experiences and strategies she has put in place in her own life. I also thank her for sharing some private stories many people would not have felt comfortable to do so. My husband and I are both very grateful and much happier. THANK YOU!

a Creativelive Student
 

Insightful class. I recommend watching the course more than once.