The Lost Art of Listening
the lost art of active listening. Jason doesn't. This is Jason, the co founder of Inamoto. I just shot this with my thing, and then I made it kind of speckled. And then through my presentation, I thought, I wonder if we'll see it. Um, okay. The lost art of active listening. Why should we distinguish active listening from listening? What do you think? The differences kind of processing what the other person is saying versus just kind of like hearing the words and not really hearing the intention or the tone or or just understanding everything. That where they're coming from versus like, actually hearing all of it and processing in trying to understand? Yes, yes, very much so. I actually listen to that. I think one of the things that trips us up is that we believe growing up. And this is how we're taught that talking is an active thing. And listening is a passive thing. Okay, it's my turn to talk. I'm gonna do something. It's my turn to listen. I'm just gonna sit here and wait till you'r...
e done so I could do something. That's why I refer to is the lost art of Active listening most the time many of us in society just wait for the other person to get done so we can do our part. It's not inconsiderate per se. It's just like that's what we think is an activity. Is the actual talking. I'm listening with an intention to do nothing but listen is active listening. So how do you listen when you do not feel like it? Have you ever had a circumstance where you felt like Okay, I've gotta listen. But it's the last thing I want to do because I'm either angry with them or I don't think they're going to say anything that's gonna change my mind. Or I'm just gonna have to hear the same thing over and over again. Why should I bother? Have you guys had had experience that way each other sometimes Eso I think that when you there's a couple components at work, it's not just the passive vs Active thing. Talking is active. Listening is passive. It's also the fact that hey, truthfully, we have so much coming at us all the time. We have a lot of messaging coming at us all the time, asking somebody to very much focused just on you is very hard to do. That's not an easy thing to do anyway. We could be really interested in the person delivering the message and still have no interest in the actual message. That's not unusual. So why I think listening is truly defict difficult right now is one big part of it. It's the day Luger stuff coming at. It's the fact that we think it's a passive thing, but third, we don't feel like we really listened to a lot. We're not getting a lot of examples in our life of people showing us how to be listened to. How many people here like their listen to all the time? Nobody. But of course you know the idea. Feeling like, Well, no one's really listening to me. Why men to sit down and make this full length effort and be the only person who is really putting that much effort tow listening to my life. You know, I feel like maybe I'm in a just a really busy lifestyle mood, and I'm surrounded by a lot of very busy people. But most people I know are kind of huh? Uh huh. And now that they don't care about me, but they're consumed with how much they have to do. And I think starting out and striking out and being the person who starts the chain, the chain of the sink, and have a really big impact on everyone around you because people start to then tune in and get it. It's the idea of attracting people versus telling them what to do. If I say to you, Hey, listen to me versus I constantly show you a form of listening that seems even a little unusual. But you will start to notice he will start to notice that I'm actually listening to you very closely and you'll start saying things that maybe I should do that for you. That's kind of back to the idea of what do you do when somebody else doesn't want to change? I saw this Oprah once. It cracked me up. It was his whole thing on listening about this couple were profile. There's several couples profiled, and their biggest complaint was that the other person didn't listen to them. That was the topic of the show, and they showed this show. This guy on the video and this was not meant to be a joke. There's not the joke. He's sharing his feelings and shot him in the video. And, uh, what they showed the video was them in the kitchen talking. He and his wife, as his voice was over, laid on top explaining what his concerns are, and they zoomed in on the wife talking. It was like a full frame on her face, and he said, I don't know what it is. I mean, I try and I look at her and I see her mouth moving. I know those words coming out of there like I see them coming out, but I don't know what to do. I just shut down. It's like jobs gives coming out. God keeps coming. That's like his intentional way of trying to explain how he feels about it. I think part of when we go back to the idea of feedback versus criticism, we stop listening to other people when we feel like it's just gonna be another form of criticism. So, um, this composing and half listening. This is the other thing. I did this. I went ahead and showcase for you how to do this. The idea of composing other things to say or composing messages or composing email or composing the next paragraph for the next topic I want to move to while I'm listening to you. This is a very common thing. There's a great book out there called Just Listen by Mark Goulston and he has a scenario, Way says. Part of what happens when we're half composing and half listening is we're trying to be more interesting. We want to be more interesting in our dialogues in our exchanges. We want the other person to be more interested in what we are saying. The stories we have to say then then we are putting effort into being interested, and he gives this really great example that I thought that worked fantastically. The book was Just listen bite Mark Wilson, he said. Imagine you're sitting at your kitchen counter and you just picked up the mail and you're flipping through some holiday cards, and the first holiday card you get is from this family will call them the interesting family and you open it up and you read it and this is what you read. Bob and I took the family to macho Peaches this year, Unforgettable now in the barn dances and artisan bread baking. Call us crazy, but we just weren't busy enough with all our charitable work. Wow, Was I ever surprised in the hospital gave me their Volunteer of the Year Award last month. Bob just got promoted vice president, the youngest one in the company's history. Jesse soccer team took first place in the state tournament tournament, and we were nearly bursting with pride when little Brandy got a standing ovation as the lead in The Nutcracker. Hope you're fine. We'd love to catch up with you next time we're in town. That's not unusual, is it? That's not unusual. Car to get stairs like, I think that was my car. Now. Now trade that. Go ahead and take that moment. Put that car down, pick another card up and read this one. Hey, how's it going, mate? And I thought of you the other day when we spotted an old junker that looked just like Are you had in college? What did you ever do with that monstrosity? And how did you ever get somebody dates when you drove it? We're hoping to swing through town someday. soon and take you out to lunch. We'd love to see the kids to do at least supply to Juilliard. Yet we listen all the time to the tape of her performance last year. It gives me chills every time I play it. What an amazing voice. Tell her we can't wait to see her on Broadway. As for us, the kids are fine. Nathan are working too hard and earning too little but having fun anyway, we want to get to town soon and see you. Hopefully, we could get a chance to do that. Where do you feel listening to both those cards in a row? Which one do you want to see when they come to town? I think that's a fascinating example of something we don't think much about. Of course, the standard when you send out a card is to tell people how you're doing. Same thing with Twitter and Facebook and posting. If you've been following me for the last five days, I keep telling you, I'm this on the show. You heard a lot of that family. A is actually probably more interesting in the activities. They choose to dio the places they go. The fact that they not only travel but have achieved success in a lot of areas theatrically as well as business wise, etcetera and family be probably lives the less interesting life by comparison. But who do you want to spend time with? B. I thought that was really interesting for myself, and I'm gonna start changing my cards when I come out of the measure of self assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others. The measure of insecurity is how much you are trying to impress them with you. This is a wonderful mantra to kind of repeat when you're thinking about what it means. Toe listen. Toe listen means to be interested, to be curious, to generally wonder what the other person's meaning, not just what they're saying to take a full account of all of it to try to eliminate tone, the inner inner tone that you will apply to a situation and really try to get to better see the person. A quick note on interrupting interrupting is basically saying that what I think is more urgent or more important than what you think interrupting is a way of life. We do it all the time. We saw a loaded weapon. Listen, you see it on talk shows all the time. I've seen myself do that. When I watch myself on shows, I try to get a lot better at it. But what? Basically you're telling that the person is not only can I not listen to you I can't even let you finish. E have to get back to me. It's just too long. That is what interrupting is, um the meaning. Of course, that we assign when we're listening has a great impact on the filter we choose. Have you ever been to the Galapagos Island? These are pictures of me to take it back to my home. Picard, if you've ever been to the Galapagos Islands off the coast of Ecuador, one of the most you've been there. Can you guys did that whole round the world thing? I've been to Ecuador, but not to go up ago. What I think has been tasked about the Galapagos Islands and this ties in tow let these giant turtles or tying into listing. The reason I find this very interesting is that human behavior is such that if you're talking to somebody who just doesn't listen to you. You don't feel like you're going to be heard. You don't even feel like it's worth the time to fully explain how you feel. And if you start to explain how you feel, they're gonna interrupt you anyway. You start to shrink back, you start to change your behavior, and you start to check out of the relationship whichever direction that relationship is going and you check out When I was in the glove because island, I was struck by the fact that these animals we'll rock right out to you and, like, poke them with poker, knee with their beak or let you pet them or let you touch inside their shell and all its for stuff. And the reason is is because no one's ever come up and scare them or try to attack them or try to eat them. Go vegan. They have not learned yet how to pull back and be afraid and to protect, and that it's the same sort of behavior when it comes to communication styles. If you feel like you're constantly critiqued versus given feedback and you're not not being listened, Teoh and we assign value to that relationship based on that exchange, Um, I want to jump in real quick. Take a pause, real quick to say that in about 10 minutes, and this is really funny. In about 10 minutes, we'll be joined by Kyle Cease. I mentioned him earlier, a well known comedian, but also doing a lot of work in the space of transformational thought and how laughter can affect relationships. We're gonna talk about that in a little bit, but one of the reasons I asked him to be on the show is he put out a two minute video about listening. And basically, what he said is, Hey, if you can't be present for the people in your life, go ahead and do me a favor. Open up this video and turn it so they can see it and just hit play and I'll be present for them, for you were about to see that in a little bit, but what struck me so much about the video other than fact, it's funny. It's funny. You're gonna watch him for two minutes. Just listen to you, even though you're not talking, what's funny about the video to me and striking is that when you look and you watch him listen to you. You're very aware that, um, how rare that you get that in your life with the person you're in a direct relationship, not to mention all the other people in a relationship how rare it is for someone to look at you. It's a funny as I'm saying this to him. Look at you guys looking at me, saying You are really good. Listen, really, really are like extra. I feel like this point doesn't make sense talking to you about it. Who can I talk to Tokyo? Imagine if you will like watching this video, and the people usually aren't looking at you. They're looking like somewhere else that their phone or at the camera or something else, and it can feel kind of like you have to rush. You have to bum rush your sentences in between. When you get there, I contact back. It feels very unusual for someone to just sit there and look at you with gentle eyes to encourage you, and then in a firm you and all sorts stuff. The joke is that we don't get enough of it in our lives. And that is why it's funny, the idea of being present for another person and really being there for them. Thanks for not listening. You really illustrated my point Well, a couple superfast ideas about listening. If you heard earlier, Rebecca was trying to say something that obviously was emotionally charged. It's always difficult to communicate when we're feeling emotionally charged. I asked her Teoh. I wanted to say back to her what I thought she was saying in a way to make sure I was hearing her correctly. Psychologists call that the power of reflection, the idea of reflecting on what somebody says and saying, I do believe you said this. Can I say it back to you that is different than verbal regurgitation, which we do often? No, I heard you. You said you had a store in two minutes. I was listening. You get that? I get that a lot. That's a verbal regurgitation. I get that for my Children. You know, Mom, I heard you said and then just repeat the last 30 seconds with this unbelievable extended memory when there's no way they were listening. Teoh Reflection is saying, I want Teoh say back to you? The words I heard you said with my filter that I applied and and sit in the words I would use, which is very different than just repeating it. I want to use the words I would use based on what you just said for you to tell me if that was right, who would do a quick example of reflection? Who? Two people want to come up here in the reflection. I'm just gonna point to if you don't. All right. Got. And Neil come up here and do it. And I want you to do it for serious, don't they? Oh, good. Okay. All right. So pick any topic. Say it's a phrase, Teoh. Guess and let's see how Gus repackages it back to you as a way of of reflecting. I'm saying I heard what you said, and this is the way I heard it in my Am I on em and Target. Uh, so it's been really cool to have been here on parade of level week. So you're saying he's had a really good experience? Okay, close. Very good. I'm gonna give you a new topic line. That's what's closest. So you said So what you're saying is, and then part of the power of reflection. If you say so. What? I hear you saying people get turned off. I would if someone says to me, I'm nothing, you're doing that But in a relationship if we use over, I believe if we use over therapeutic words, the other person tends to two. Now if I would say I do believe the feeling I have when you say this to me, A lot of his words could be really impactful because they remind you of what to dio. But I use it in your own comfortable vernacular, like your own language. Exactly how you'd say it. It feels like more of an authentic exchange versus you following along with the therapeutic step here. Does that make sense to you guys? Eso Let's say the topic is you do a blurb on maybe something that you did last night that is PG rated for the so last night I decided to just relax and shell out at home and watch a movie of our feelings that you had When you did that. It was very relaxing for me. It was very enjoyable for me to have some time to reflect on the week that I've had. So you must have had a rough week and this was kind of a relief from that from that week. Excellent. Very good. And then so did you mean it was a rough Weaker is just a big week. Like, what was your experience? Just a big week. Yeah. No, actually, in a good way. Yeah, the reason why that part matters. As you said. So you had kind of a rough week, right? That was maybe what you heard. And then So you're talking to somebody else and said, Yeah, just talking to Neil. He's had a really crappy week because that was your genuine experience of it. That's what you reflect it. But But that That step when you reflect it back, that's when you're like No, no, Actually, it was good. It's amazing, actually. Credible. It was just a lot. And I needed some time to decompress and calm down and step. And you're like, OK, I was giving him the opportunity to clarify the genius. You're so smart. You're a You're a gust nous Okay, let's do that. Get away and God I know This sounds like silly stuff. This is how you get it. You start practicing, you start thinking about your psycho power affliction. I'll do it. Move. But then it has an impact. The other person feels like you. You were heard. How often do you get this? How far do you share something with somebody? And they say, Well, well, that that that that this is what you just said to me. And this is what you felt is that you know, you don't get that. It's a luxury. So let's try that, Uh, something about emotion and feelings. A man. I'm just totally stressed out because I got work here, and then I have creativelive to go to, and then I'm gonna go home and deal with family. Uh, just crazy. Well, thus I can really empathize with the fact that you're feeling all these this stuff stern inside of you. Is there any reason in particular why you're feeling a little a little stressed out? Good. You did empathy, and then you did a little place of the reflection. That was good. It was great. But then a little bit more in the reflection. So gosh, it sounds like you mentioned five or six things that are in your head and on you, you know? And the reflection is just kind of accounting for that and saying it Is there something going on here? Here. What part is it? That's the biggest part. That's kind of what that is. But is that a normal thing? That you would normally stay back to somebody in a conversation? I tend to find it like we're well, not weird, but harder to like Remember every single emotion or something that someone says and reflect it back. Actually, like the empathy and the drawing along with the conversation and feedback and at least in a way, making sure they know I heard them that I think comes were naturally, but especially, like put on the spot. I remember everything and not blow it. Yeah, but that's conversationally. I don't know. Does it make sense to, like, repeat things back to folks? Or I think the way you did it was great. It is the idea of encapsulating back that you heard him. You kind of said, This is how I heard you say it, you know, And then and then with the empathy. I think that's fantastic. If this feels a little forced or, you know, kind of tougher, like, Oh, cheesy roadway. I'm telling you that this when you kind of work it out a couple times, that's when you start to think about it. You start to consider it in your own relationships, and you start to work it in this idea, this reflection stuff. This is where your basis saying the other person you matter, I hear you. I haven't Empathy versus I'm feeling down for you or what is even more likely, as you say, all that to Neil, Neil would say not kneel specifically. But another individual might say, Ah, here, you Let me tell you about my week. Holy crap. I am so crazy busy you wouldn't even understand. Yeah, that's everything. This definitely comes up in my marriage. And it's something that, um, I've worked on, I am working on, And, um, and when I get it right, it's It's b. Being able to, um, translate, in my words, back to my wife. What she was saying until she feels like she was heard. Yes, yes, that's exactly um and then and then when I fail, it's like it is bad, but But that's that. That's a thing that makes her feel like she's validated. Yes, yeah, And I think just doing that because, you know, again, the fact that you make the effort, it's the trying Oh, it's the trying. It's the trying that gets missed in a lot of relationships, Especially sometimes over time, people kind of just say, Well, why don't you put that much work here, too? I'm doing it here, here and here. And yet the ability to say I want to put in this work I do want to try is massive. It's a big deal, and it takes It feels like it. Um, it has to be practiced like it's a small still. At least I don't know about everybody else but for me. And it was a guy. It's like It's just not natural. Teoh come home and like so sit down and intentionally after a long they come in and say So how was your day? What's going on? Tell me. Yeah. Bring it. Bring it. I'm here for you. I am present for you. Yeah, I know, I understand. That's the part. And again. It's also choosing the right time to have the conversations. Most of us try to have tough conversations in really fast paced time slots and then find herself more stress from even having tried to the first place. Yes. All right, well, we have We have a video to watch. Thanks. Waiting. Good. Good, good. Okay, So we're gonna accuse Step I mentioned this video just totally cracked me up. I want you to do me a favor, acknowledge that part of this video when you're just watching it. You're kind of like we're just watching him. Listen, but do me a favor and try to look at it from the angle of everything we just talked about about listening in terms of having somebody present and focused and not doing a bunch of other things and look at his expression and look at how he looks at you And try to think about that as a great framework for for being a great listener. Okay, lets go. Hey, it's Kyle. And I thought I would do all my fellow guys a favor by making a video, Uh, where I respond to, uh, if your girlfriend is talking and you can't. You can't be present for her. You can't pay attention. I thought I'd make a video for you so that when she comes home from work and has a long story about work, you can just I put her here so you can still watch the game and stuff like that. So when she's sad about something, this is for her. So just just that way I could do it, and then you can go to your own thing, and then everything's cool. Hey, what's wrong? What's wrong on come here. What? Tell me. No, I really want to know. I really do want to know. I actually really want to know. I listen, I'm totally like the TV. Saw what? Tell me what happened. Really? Really. That socks. But that's that. Okay, I totally I agree with you. I agree with you. Yeah. Huh? It's socks, man. Well, I totally understand that I agree with you, and so does your boyfriend slash husband Totally agrees with you. Yeah, African. We'll go love him. He loves you. He was telling me that. Yeah, he really does. All right. No problem. I'm glad you feel better. It's It's just perspective. You're totally right, though. That's it. That's ridiculous. But look at you like you totally nailed it. All right. All right. Take care. I'll see you to Mom.