Getting to know the Crusader Type
It's nice to meet you I know a female before so it's nice to meet face to face so tell me about your um thought process and your discovery and where you have ended up in figuring out your personal style okay um well yesterday I was seen parts of different um either I strongly connected with either one or three and when I left here yesterday I thought it was a three but after kind of sitting with it last night in reading a little bit more about it um almost everything if I really connect with the subtypes are still them not sure as you were even just discussing but I feel like I'm almost a classic one classically I totally want to hear about that but I also want to tell people the book that she was reading because we facebook messaged about it and it's called it is called the n e a gram and it's by helen palmer who is like the queen of the n e a gram I would say a brilliant teacher of this information and anyone who reads that book I feel safe saying what will benefit tremendously from ...
it so anyway so I was reading it was reading that book last night and when I read one I said how does she know this about me interesting? This is everything she said on every level spoke directly to what I do um who I am a man very, very clearly, um, I'm very black or white there's usually no gray, I try to find grail, I know this about me, so I try to be aware of that, but it is very right or wrong, black or white and it's interesting, because I've used those words in the last few years just explaining myself to other people how I want to hear that. But I also want to say that the type that she's describing is called in in the system that we have been working with the crusader it's on the intuitive triad, where the, um, the default defenses anger but it's a it's a person who operates on gut. So anyway, so what? How what words did you use to black and white buttons? Black and white? Um, I I'm very much a perfectionist, and I've recognized thiss about myself, um, I do a lot of things to try not to be a perfectionist, so I think the first part of this and just accepting who I am might why do you try to not be a perfectionist? Because I see part of it as I see the wrong side of it or the bad side of it, and I don't want that part, I want the good part. It's not perfect to be a perfectionist way were just talking about that earlier that oh, I'm a perfectionist, so I have going to this therapist and I have done this and I have done that to try to perfect not being a perfectionist, I mean it's it's, I mean it's classic and really pretty classic so how's that been going, it doesn't work, but it's almost refreshing to sit here and say, well, this is who I am, and I don't have to change that I mean, that's what my meditation and practice has been saying for years, but I don't I'm not that's not right, right? So that's a great discovery, and I want to remind you, I probably don't need to, but I will anyway, and also you and you, anyone out there who was finally feeling that this is their point, one that there is a profound trustworthiness and I would say wholesomeness, even though everybody gets cranking grumpy and does weird things but a kind of goodness to this type that is singular, and so I would just say to you or to others, if you start to get down on yourself for being this black and white thinking he wants everything to be right, look a little bit under the surface and what you will see, I believe, is a wish for the world toe work and everyone to be happy it's not because people are doing things wrong although it can come out that way I think that like I said I've noticed this about myself over time so like for example in a work situation um if something does something happens that I feel oh how could I have done that better and I analyze and over analyze okay what were the actions that I took that made this outcome very self critical about it and then once I go through that process and realize okay there is nothing that I did wrong but how can I make this different the next time it seems like everything's kind of systematic in that way it's it's start self I always start self critical um and then it's getting the information and then it's well let's wait we gonna dio what am I going to dio so it doesn't it doesn't happen again but your first first consideration is what did I do wrong and then say you find something what do you do how do you feel what does that mean to you? Well I beat myself up for a little bit and then then I just kind of get the awareness around it and say ok it's done moving on but it's not easy to move on right? It takes a lot of awareness and a lot of um it takes a lot to move on you have only learned how to do that in the last few years. How do you do it? Um meditating and just really understanding how my mind works and that my neurosis is constant replay. And, um, I wanted the only way that I have learned to stop. That is just too notice that I do it. And when I noticed that I do it, I don't try to stop doing it, but it makes the segment shorter. And it's had the segment segment become shorter over time, right? So it's less frequency, less intensity. Yes. And you mentioned earlier that it's this style is also per, uh, portrayed in the in the work that you do can you say a little bit about that? Well, I'm in sales myself, medical devices and, um it's to me sometimes medicine is right or wrong. It's you do this, you don't do this, so we try this, we try that, um and I know it's an art I might have learned over time that it's not so black and white uh, and then the sales part of it it's ask for the sale or you don't I mean, it's, it can be very black or white are you going to buy for me, are you not gonna buy from me that that I understand that part right? And I'm good at that part which part the part of saying just a yes or is it all right just asking for it and I'm going it's not so good with well let's talk about this in a couple of weeks or will I want an answer so so there are other salesmen I think here and there and that is not how every salesman does it write almost you need this finesse of it I don't I don't always have that way when you think in a black and white way and you're driving to an answer and the answer is the thing not yes because for many sales people the yes is the thing of it but you're saying the answer is the thing which is cool I would prefer sales person like that myself um that's not typically how people sell things but how do your clients well I don't know that I um my the products that I sell really sell themselves and we're doing it for minutes it's helping people so I'm not going to go to someone and say you need to use this over that physician believes that the other part's gonna help because I think if that's my grandma or if that's my child I'm I'm not making that too so you know it's it's, it's it's a different it's a different way to approach it I guess I mean more and the way that I do things aren't will you try this? I will ask the question will you try it and the answer to me it's more important that they try it and if they say they don't like it then I'm okay with that I did my job so it's not so much that yes like I will use this forever and give me a chance here me out do you understand me right so can you hear how this person is trustworthy she's not going to try to pull the wool over your eyes just to get you to buy something she's going to tell you the truth just going to make it clear gonna answer your questions and then it's your call and she's not gonna not gonna sort of obscure anything that might make in order to make it more attractive to you that's very trustworthy thank you so, um for people that work with you say what would they say are the best things about working with you what would they say that the difficult things about working with you um I think the best part so that I can be very organized um I can know what I'm going to do have a plan and how to do that the um the frustrating parts with me r if I don't feel understood or if you don't give me a chance um I tend to get very he did and um like I can call my manager often say they wouldn't even let me in the door I don't understand this how could they say no if they don't even know what I have um that's uh and it's it's more of I think people that work with me calming me down I see so they know that you can just sort of have a finger yes and what is your relationship to anger? Just generally speaking are you good at it? Are you bad at it isn't a big part of your life a small part of your life oh, I think it's a it's a it's a big part of my intimate relationships so with um it's not to the rest of the world but the people that are closest to me get the most raff get the most um I be I'm very reactive so if you say something to me that that threatens me or, uh or hurts my feelings my first reaction is that's not true or I'm going to defend myself and I am definitely a against person are is that what we were doing it earlier against? I've had to uh close relationships tell me that oh I like to defend my all I do is defend myself I defend myself a lot I don't see it as being defensive I be it has I see it as I'm trying to make you understand what I'm saying, right? Which I see after being told that by two different partners that can come off as being very defensive, right? But to me, I want to be understood, I'd like my comment yesterday, I'm gonna beat a dead horse, and then I'm gonna beat it again, and then one more time, I want to make sure that you understand and it drives people crazy, you know? Yeah, so I would say that two things one is I would guess that for you to think you're that you've done something wrong is a bad enough, but for someone else to pin wrong on you, even this much is untenable, so you have to defend because that is not acceptable. And the second thing I would say is, um, remember, type one is the type where all the anger and instinctual drives go in, as opposed to out or numb, so when anger is swallowed, goes in because not right to be angry, so you try to eat it, it can create a kind of seething quality called resentment, and I wonder if you relate to any of that. Absolutely I've I've gone through a lot the last couple of years, and yes, very much so I mean, without going into specifics. It was told to me that I let things build up and I can I could take it I can't take it I can take it until one day I explode and it's it looks like it might be that one thing you said to me but it's not it's everything from the last year that I haven't said that eroded in the volcano has erupted right? So if something happens that bothers you or hurt you and you're like okay, whatever just keep going forward, okay? Nothing okay whatever keep going forward and then there's that one little straw and then poon yeah, so you find a I can't remember did you say you can't figure out the subtype or do you because something sort of coming to me and what you're saying but I wonder what you think? Well, at first I thought it was kind of the self preservation one because I know that everything comes in and I and I think it's called worry iss I worry a lot about everything from little to big um but then when I saw the intimate heat and read a little bit about that and hellman palmer's book, I was like she I mean, I am very much kind of what I was describing especially with I want one on one connection and it's usually my partner an intimate partner boyfriend and if that is not working for me it enrages me to the point of this is not gonna work we have to break up now I can't deal with this I need you know, if you can't give me an answer to my plan right now I cannot deal with this I mean, this is and I recognize this and I apologize a lot for it but this happens and and so then I tend to say, well, maybe it is my fault that we're not getting along when maybe it's not always true right? But this is the assignment of blame is very important I have a friend who his name is greg and he told me the problem solving method in his family has two steps applies to every issue that could ever arrive step one defined problem step to assign blame problem solved I tried not to though I mean this is the point of the awareness of I know I do these things and it drives me crazy, right? So that's where I'm looking forward to this afternoon or what? Not me too but the assignment of blame is meaningful and for the rest of us it's like yeah okay, I had my part you had your part but let's let's try toe what does it mean or how can we solve it or but for someone of this type sometimes the assignment of blame is the solution or at least a big step towards the solution so do you think it's self preservation think this intimate it was when he said especially with the people who are close to me so for an intimate subtype it's called heat and there's a you other people don't feel it out in the world are like so nice she's funny she's so easy going but the people who live with this person or like that's one intense you know full on they are like they're looking at everything I do and they're like why did you put it here? Don't you think it should go there? I totally do that when you said that yesterday I do that like this doesn't belong right there I mean I clean up and everything has to go into space you know it's it's classic this is I'm married teo intimate one and this is he's everything's in its place and I appreciate that um so okay, so if you had something that you could say to the people who loved ones and I put myself in the front of that line to help us make you feel loved what would what would you say? The first thing that comes to mind is being understood I want teo I know that you understand where I'm coming from and that even if it's I don't agree with you but I hear you um I find myself saying that a lot interesting so both of you are saying I want to be understood which of course is the very essence of what it means to be loved being loved and being understood and but and you're saying a little bit different than mariam is you don't have to agree but no my point of view and that's different then I want you to understand how my mind works and my joy of thinking so I wonder if you have questions for our beautiful one here or if people out there do I would love to hear them what what what do what it cares about people were chatting now about family relationships and they're identifying either people are thinking well this is this is my daughter nora saying this is my brother's and she centers she's finding is very, very helpful the way you're describing yourself he's helping people understand because people have been asking about this does your position of family have any impact on where you are how you develop your communications start etcetera so really but it's interesting to people so now identifying with other you know, other people they know through your stories so I really appreciate you sharing it they've been very powerful for our online audience indeed um but any questions from our students it's not easy to be up here that trish you've been very brave you know it's not any questions in do you feel that you are do you know a one? Are you in a relationship with a one on one where have you been? There are suddenly yeah, but that's like that uh he's very much about right or wrong he would take risks like major risks to prove a point that he's right and this is the right way to go huh? And sometimes it for someone like me it's like there's not only one right way you know you have to see other people's point of view but now this is I know this this has been proven and you better agree to move with me on that one so way don't mind what is your cultural heritage? I'm from pakistan pakistan yeah do you do I'm gonna ask you sir do you think that influences you know because I think you're different cultures have an impact etcetera perhaps where where were influenced that's an interesting question because said that different cultures have a style people say america is a three they could say that mexico is an eight for example so that may have a flavor that may creep in but I don't think it produces more threes or more aids but it could make it more confusing to find your type if you are in a certain culture that promotes particular attributes as right like in america success make your own way get it done you know if you're not like that you can stay feel bad about your type but doesn't make it you make you that type carolus was asking that question to your parents have any impressive does their type influence you actual that's also an interesting question and I don't know the answer where does your type come from but here's the best way that I can answer that question first to say I don't know how why are you you but the way I think of it is if you've ever had children which I bet most of us here haven't um but saying okay, you have so you have how many children do you have? Two daughters to two children two pregnancies people who have had children more than one say they just feel different did you feel that in the like in gestation this felt different than that subtly but yeah a little bit so sometimes people say you can feel that a different thing I think that's the type like this had essence and it's pretty predates the buddhist would say it's a karmic but if predates nurture although nurture can certainly play a role. So what do you think? Well, I see in my older daughter she's nine I c perfectionist tendencies and I don't the parts that I don't want to pass along to her right? So we work I worked on myself to be a different role model, but can I and you know it you hear that but my younger daughter I don't see that in her she is a very different um she's very different interesting interesting yeah, I hope that you know that you have a lot of support in the chat room here they're actually saying such such generous and supportive comments and that they feel like it's so nice that you're opening up and you're sharing this and they're reminded to of what you said susan about not judging just observing and there is a question of spitzer's it specifically for you from the ways the wiz wants to know as an intimate I'm wondering how do you feel when going in a group? Are you looking for individual connections when you're in a group? I was thinking about that because I used to be more of ah one everybody to like me person but now it is more of having one person if I connect with one person at a party and have a good conversation than it was a successful party or it was worth my time if I don't I'll just kind of make my way around a room if I don't really know anyone there and leave and it wasn't so I would I didn't even before I sat down here listening to your talk to miriam earlier I was like I don't understand that what you were describing as an intimate one on one connection but it's starting to feel a little different if I look at it from different points of view. So I think so. Thank you for the insight. Thank you. Is there anything else you want to add about your style? How it feels to be the style in the world how people can be supportive of you. I think I need to become more, um, gentle with myself and not so looking at all of the harsh parts of being a perfectionist that there are good things about it. So that's internal it's always an internal thing for me. Um but I think really it's being understood um really feeling that someone knows where my heart is and where I'm coming from or why I do certain things. That's would be hopeful for the people that I love. And if someone chooses to be in a relationship with me, we all understand what? What that's that well, I wish that for you thank you. And also mindfulness is going to comprise the rest of our session in a little while, and that is synonymous with the practice of gentleness. So we will be cultivating rousing gentleness together in the session. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you.