The 4 Pain Points
- [Sheri] Well, now, guys, we're going to really dive into the meat of what gets us stuck, those areas where we just, "Ugh…" Right? So what I found is, consistently, is what I call The Four Pain Points, The Four Pain Points. And these are in no particular order, and to be honest with you, sometimes we struggle with more than one at a time, right? So the first one is what's next? Now what? Is this it? And my big one here, how do I live? How do I live? Now, the first one, what's next? I've reached my goals, but it's time for something new. It's time for something new. I don't necessarily want to leave or change. I'm fine with my career, but I just need more bandwidth. I'm okay with what I'm doing in my life but there's more that I want to explore, right? What's next? What's next? And what I found with this one is, we have gotten so trapped in the routine and the habit of what we're doing but we have this gnawing, right, where we are… Let's say you have an amazing job but you want to serv...
e in the community. That there's more work that you want to do in the community, you want to volunteer more. Or you have this amazing career but there's always been this other thing you wanted to do. You don't want to become a full entrepreneur but you love making something, or you love this art, or you love baking, whatever it is, but you just want to do that. You don't necessarily want to make a living, but you would like to… There's a few hobbies that I wanted to have. So it's not like I wanted to leave my job, but I did want to create some hobbies. Or I just want more time for my family. I just need to create bandwidth. And I had this…one of my clients, she had this amazing job. She still has it, but she wanted more bandwidth. She just knew there was more she wanted to do. And so we really worked through the how. How do we do this? How do we do this? Well, the first thing is we got to stop saying, "I don't know." We've got to stop saying I don't know. Let me tell you how "I don't know" stops us so much. I had a good friend of mine. And she gave me a call and she said, "Sheri, can we just…I don't want to hire you but I need your help." Any other entrepreneurs get that? But she's like, "I just need…just can you give me an hour of your time? Just as my girlfriend. Give me an hour of your time." I was like, "Fine." So we set up a call. We had an hour set aside. And this is how the call went. I could probably tell you…explained it this way better. "Hey." "Hey, Sheri. How are you doing?" "I'm good. Okay, so what's going on?" "I don't know what I want to do. I just don't know." "Okay, well, what do you mean?" "I don't know. See, okay. So I've had this for 10 years and I love it. I really love it, but I just feel like that what I need to do next is," and she listed four things she need to do. "And in order to do that, I need to change this, this, and this. And see, when I change that, it's going to give me the time to do this, but here's the thing. I have no clue what I need to do." Did you all hear that? She started with…exactly, Denise is, like, "Okay, I'm confused." She started with I don't know. She told me everything she needed to do and then she ended with, "But, girl, I just don't know what I need to do, that's why I needed to call you." And that has been the norm with so many of us, is we really do know. Now, we may not be ready to make the adjustments. We may not be ready to deal with what it means to accept our truth, we may not be ready to do what? Give up something so we can go to something else. We may not be ready to tell the people, change some relationships with some people, let some people go in our lives, go after some new people in our lives. We may not be able to do, experience, accept, but what we do know is what to do. And so that's the problem with "I don't know," is because, one, it's not the truth. Because, just like my girlfriend, between those two bookmarks was "I don't know," but in the middle was everything that she needed to do. So we have to stop saying, "I don't know." The second, we've already talked about. We have to make a decision. The biggest challenge with what's next is we're already comfortable. We already have what we want. So we get challenged in making a decision because that decision, we don't know what's on the other side of that, right? We know that this is a good job. We know that this is a great this, but if we make this decision, we don't know. "Am I really going to be good at baking those cookies? Am I really going to like volunteering with them over there? That is a half an hour drive to get there. Is it a waste of my time?" Right? So we have to make a decision. And guess what? If you don't like it, don't go back. We have that ability to make another decision. But when we don't make the first decision, we eliminate the opportunity to make another decision. Make a decision. The third thing is we have to give ourselves permission to get help. We have to give ourselves permission to get help. One of the biggest challenges for many of us is asking for help. It is not a weakness to ask for help. It doesn't say that you're not solid in what you're doing to ask for help. It doesn't minimize your impact asking for help. A colleague of mine said, "One of the most powerful things we do as life coaches and life strategists is, we give really great people permission to get help. We give people permission and put that dot, dot behind that." Make a decision, ask for help, and stop saying, "I don't know." Also, when we ask for help, many times, it doesn't come in just the form of, "Can you help me," right? Sometimes, it means you have to actually take the time to learn the new thing you want to do. How many of us don't even give ourselves permission to learn something new? One of my good friends, he actually had a career in one field and wanted to go into another field. And so for five years, he literally just learned, read books, got information, read books, got information, and when the opportunity presented himself to have a conversion with someone in the other field he wanted to go into, he had no fear in asking them, "Can you give me this opportunity?" Why was he encouraged to ask for help? Because he had spent five years just learning the information. He had a great job. He didn't have to change. He wanted to change. So many times, that pain point of what's next, you just need to do these three things. The second pain point, now what? This was me at LaFace. I have done everything I wanted to do. I'm here. It's good, but I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go. Got to do something else. Got to make that change. And how do we deal with that? We have to assess our commitments and remove what no longer serves us, determine our three most important priorities and identify and focus on our strengths. We have to remove what no longer serves us. There are so many times that we continue with the habit of what we've already done and always done instead of really assessing, "Does this really work for me in this base and place that I'm in? Does this still serve me in this place and space?" We have to determine our three most important priorities. Everything is important, but everything is not a priority. And the last one, identify and focus on our strengths. Now, what I have found most consistent is all of us are working on our weaknesses, right? We're working on those areas that we just need to be better. For me, I love this. This is a strength for me. What's a challenge for me is online stuff, Infusionsoft, and database, and technology, and emailing, and setting up this, and contact…but all of that is a part of what I have to do as an entrepreneur in this space. So I found myself spending all of my time and energy trying to get better at database management. And guess what I wasn't doing? I wasn't getting better at my strength, standing up in front of you guys, delivering the content, the message. So when we focus on our weakness, and it's natural to focus more on that thing that you think you want to make better, but what happens? You just have a stronger weakness and you don't get stronger in your sweet spot. No one else can do this on my team, but there are plenty of people that can do database management. There are VAs that can do a lot of the things that I was focused on doing. And that was a really hard adjustment for me because I felt like, "I can get better at this. I can get better at this." What are those weaknesses that you just, "I can't get better at this." But when you really step back, is, yes, you could, but are you taking time away from the thing that most benefits you, that most gives you pleasure? This is what gives me joy and pleasure. This is where my peace and power is. Database management, it's a necessity, but it is not where I get my peace and power. But I literally was spending all of my time on database management. Think about that because we are going to talk. What are those areas, those weaknesses that you've been spending so much time on but you haven't really been diving into your strength? The third pain point, is this it? I am living my dream and I am miserable. I am living my dream and I am miserable. Many of us go, on Sundays, we're just upset. We're tired. We're frustrated because we do not want to go to work on Monday. Many times, when I have someone tell that to me, when I ask them a few questions, what we really usually find out is, they were supposed to have left that job five years ago. Somewhere in that conversation, it'll come out. "Well, I really want to leave. I really want to change," or, "I want to do this." And I go, "How long have you felt that way?" 'Oh my God, for about 10 years." "But you wonder why you're anxious and upset and depressed every Monday, because you're there 10 years too long, 5 years too long." Or you have outlived the time that you were supposed to be in that thing, that thing that you do. And it's okay to now do something different. Is this it? Is this it? I've already read, some of you guys, you've had a great career in one area, now you want to do something different. What do I do? Right? What do I do? How do I do it? Is this it? And the fourth pain point, the how. Accept our truth, commit to what is most important and make a move. Accept our truth, commit to what is important, and make a move. The fourth pain point, how do I live. How do I live? This is when you have a forced or unforced transition. You're a woman in her early 40s and now, she's pregnant. Or you're a husband and wife in your early 40s and you have empty nests. Your last one just went to college. You were downsized, right-sized, whatever the term is, bottom line is, you got laid off there. There is no longer a job there, right? There is a forced or unforced transition. You have a health scare. The doctor comes to you and says, "If you do not make a change, that high blood pressure, it's going to grow into something worse." You have to make some changes. Forced or unforced. How do I live? The how for this is you have to give yourself permission to grieve. Grieving is not just the death of a person. Grieving is the loss of anything, the loss of your comfort zone. You were laid off. You've been at that job 20 years. There's a grieving period there. Your child, the last one, is now going to college. There's a grieving period there. So many of us don't even give ourselves permission to grieve because we only equate grieving with death. But it's any loss. It's any change, anything that abrupts, anything that changes your comfort zone, there's going to be some grieving with that. And grieving isn't just tears, sitting in the corner. Grieving is sometimes just allowing yourself to feel the change because so many of us want to run from that. Giving yourself the opportunity instead of suppressing the hurt, denying the hurt, or what I used to do, self-help the hurt away. "Let me read another self-help book." No. It's okay. It's okay. Give yourself permission to grieve the change. Acknowledge the hurt. Acknowledge the hurt. You got laid off. The company that you started, it didn't work. You put all your money, all your time, all your effort, it didn't work. You're hurt. Just recently, I was a NAACP Image Award nominee and I didn't get the trophy, but I had to accept that hurt so that I could say, "You know what? Getting here was a victory in and of itself." Because immediately, I kept telling everybody after I didn't win the trophy, "But I'm still a winner. I'm still a winner." And guess what? I was, but my husband stopped me and said, "But you know what? You're not accepting your hurt. You're disappointed." And when I said, "Man, I am disappointed," can I tell you, I felt the joy of the entire experience. But if I had just kept saying, "Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm okay. This was great. This was great." I'd still be upset and somebody could say something to me and guess what I'd do, I'd break down crying, because I never acknowledged the hurt. And then we got to focus on the positive. Focus on the positive. So many times, 100 things can go right, 1 thing can go wrong. What do you focus on? - [Together] The wrong. - Say it again? - The wrong. - One more time. - The wrong. - The wrong! Yes! And guess where we'll spend all of our time and energy talking about, focused on, trying to correct? The one thing, two things that was wrong, negate everything else. How do you live? How do you live in this pain point? Focus on the positives. Your child is an amazing human being that you know is ready for college. You know you have prepared them. You know that they can handle the trials and tribulations of freshman year, sophomore year. Not just, "My baby is gone." You served that job for 20 years and you gave them your best. You got some great friendships. They paid you every week, hopefully. Guess what? That season is over. Now, get excited about this new opportunity, whatever that is. It may be taking time off to do nothing. Oh, think about that for a minute. How many of us would just love to absolutely do nothing for a while? Anybody? I'm the only one? Okay, that was me. I took 10 months off when I left LaFace and did nothing. Or would you stress out about, "Oh my God. I got to figure this out. I got to figure it out. I got to figure it out. I got to figure it out. I got to figure it out. I got to figure it out." No, sometimes, we just need to focus on the positive. I got a few months to do nothing. When I left LaFace, I went to Kmart in the middle of the day and literally, it blew my mind. It blew my mind because there were people in Kmart in the middle of the day. And that my reality, my reality was, I'd run in there and literally dash in at 11 right before they close because that was the only window of time that I had. So the fact that I took that space to go, "Wow, look at what happens. Look at what happens in the middle of the day that I wasn't even aware of." Being open to the positive. So with these four pain points, I want to just dive a little bit more into those because these four pain points really help us go from our 10% to our 100%. So with the four pain points, what's next, now what, how do I live, and is this it, how many of you guys have actually been challenged with one or more of those pain points? Yeah. We haven't heard from you. I do volunteer people. Yes? So which one of the pain points, tell me your name. Please stand and tell me which one of the pain points and as many as you have that you've been challenged with. - [Rachael] My name is Rachael. I felt like I identified with all those pain points. Which one did you want to discuss? - All of them or one of them, whatever you would like to share. - I felt like... That I needed to… Recently, I felt like I went through one that I had to give up my second or my first business because my second one is prospering and I can't function with both, and so giving up the first one was painful and sad. But in a way, was awesome and everyone was like, "How do you feel?" And I was like, "Great about that. I feel great about that. I feel great about that." And I do feel great about that, but I didn't really get my chance to grieve about it and saying that I'm sad about it is okay and freeing. - Yes, yes. Tell me your name. - Rachael. - Rachael. Rachael. Thank you for sharing, Rachael. One more person, and it doesn't have to just be one. I'm saying that, but who else would like to share? Yes. Yes. Please share your name. - [Mark] My name is Mark Juarez. - Hey, Mark. - I'm looking at these and I'm… I was living in the past. I know it's not exactly one, but it is for me. And it's accepting where I am right now and what I could do. And what you just said about not winning something, I totally identify with that. When you actually have had a success, you're not living, but you're not doing it right now, it's hard to accept that. And a friend kept saying, "Stop living in the past. Look where you are now and what you can do now." And that's really powerful. - Ooh, you know you just gave me chills, right? - Thank you. - Yes. So, Mark, now in this moment, hearing that, accepting that, what does that mean for you moving forward? How do you move forward with that? - God, that's a really good question. A billion things just came on my mind. I apologize. Let me just tell you a story. - Yes. - Six months ago, I was heavier. - Congratulations. - I went to have dinner, I was having dinner in China. I have an office in China. - [Woman] Can we get the mic just a bit closer? - Sorry, I was having dinner in China and I went up to…got up to use the restroom, I came back and you could tell people were talking about you. I'm like, "Guys, what's up? What were you saying about me?" And my assistant was like, "Nothing bad." And I'm like, "But what is it?" And she said, "Well, you're not really fat. You just got a really big stomach." And I'm like, "Wow." And I wanted to change that. I lost 46 pounds. But losing 46 pounds wasn't just losing the stomach. It gave me a whole sense of power of what was possible. I suddenly had so much energy. And I realized I'm not going to stop there. Next step. What am I going to do now? I'm going to start living the life I really want to live. This was just a representative of what it was. I started a company 25 years ago, The Happy Company. To me, doing the Happy Massager was about bringing caring touch to the world because I felt like the world really needed this. Now, I feel like the world needs something much more, a thing to be happy. And I can do that. So that's where I'm at right now. - Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Thank you, and congratulations. - Thank you. - So you've hit that, a couple of those pain points. - Oh, totally. - Yeah. And I love the fact that not only were you motivated to make the change, but what you said when you first got up as far as there's just some truth that you have to accept in order to move forward. Thank you, and you have won in a big way. - Well, thank you. This has been so inspiring. You're amazing. So thank you. - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anyone else like to share from one of the pain points? Yes, please stand. - [Shelley] Hi. I'm Shelley Nun. And, well, one of the things that resonated with me is what you said about focusing on your strengths because I find myself, because I'm in transition going from being a freelance consultant to now wanting to go back to working in a full-time position because I miss working with people in person. And you read job descriptions and then you start ticking off, like, "Oh, okay. You don't really have that but I could beef up on that." And what you were saying about learning more about a certain software or things like that, and you think about, "Yeah, you need to focus on your strengths," because my strengths are content management and editing, and writing. And then adding on other things that may be parts of job descriptions, focusing my attention on that isn't necessarily going to help me get the next job that I want. And so that really was an aha moment, I guess, for me, on what you were saying. - Well, thank you. And you know what? I just recently had an experience with this whole database management thing is, when I finally accepted, "Let me focus on my strength. Let me focus on my strength." I've learned enough that I know when I meet someone who can actually do the job, but I need to focus on my strength. Literally, two weeks later, I met a young lady. She actually walked up to me in a luncheon. And when I tell you exactly what I needed is what she's provided in the last three weeks. It has been amazing but I know it started with me accepting that's not my strength. Because what would have happened if I had met her with that old mindset, I would have looked at her as just another resource for me to learn from because I have this weakness and she can help me in my weakness instead of that is her strength, here is my strength, look what we'll do when these two strengths come together, right? But I would have never thought…I would have missed that opportunity if I hadn't shifted in my own mindset and really, when I say live these principles, accepting that. Anyone else want to share what the four… Yes. - [Julian] My name is Julian and I really like what you talked about in terms of the core principles of the values, clarity, and peace, and courage. And one of my pain points was almost exactly a year ago in January, I was working full-time at the hospital. And I'm a dietician. And I realized that my gift and my strength is actually counseling people. So I quit that and I have spent this past year building my own business. So I'm a wellness architect and I do nutrition. I can take my clients out on trails. And really, it was about refocusing what my desires were, which were to be fully expressed, lit up, and radiant. So I basically switched. Instead of goal setting of what am I going to do with my business or what am I going to do here, rather, asked myself what can I do to feel lit up, to feel fully expressed. And as these months passed, I met certain people and I was able to really…it was more serendipitous in terms of what I was able to create because I started coming from that place of how do I want to feel. So everything that you're talking about here is really resonating. So, just wanted to share that. - Oh, wonderful. Thank you for that. Oh my gosh. I just literally got chills. I had to contain myself, like, "Oh God, Sheri, there's cameras here. Calm yourself." Because that is so it. You literally said, "I became that," instead of setting the goal of that. Did you guys catch that? That's what I mean about not being selfish because you just gave me a nugget. I want to illuminate what I am versus trying to go convince the world of what I do. Ooh, that was good. Thank you. Thank you. So these are the things that take us from that 10% to that 100%, is when we ask these questions, what do I really want in my life? Really, goes back to the obituary, right? What do I really want in my life? What is the legacy that I want to live? Before I really started this journey, my legacy was, "She worked hard. She worked hard." That is not the legacy. That's not the essence of me. And what do I value? Yes. Please stand and share your name. - [Emmanuella] Yeah. Hi, my name is Emmanuella. - Emmanuella, yes. - Yeah. I'm originally Italian. Sorry for my pronunciation. But I think it was so nice earlier when you said, "I love being here." And sometimes we don't think enough that we really must do what we love. So the moment that we are doing, that moment, what we really love, we feel happy and we can really meet our truth. And so we have this strong connection with the way we want to live and the way we are. And the entire world changes. And so I think we should always pay more and more attention to the moment of our life when we do something that we love and make us happy. It could be that we are playing with our dog, right? We are sitting on the beach, in front of the sunset, simple things, but if our everyday life is full of moments that make us happy, we are completely inside our truth. And my background in Italy, I worked in the entertainment business. And I arrived to the point, so I was working in the theater. It was just beautiful theater, beautiful audience, everything was working fine after many years of work. But at the end, I was not happy at all. I was feeling so trapped. So moving around the company with a little bus, sleep in the hotels. Basically, we were all alone. So we were actors and we were alone and we were connected probably with the characters but not with ourselves. And with everybody around, you always have to play these fake roles, the one they want you to be, right? Nobody really cares the one you are. And the only way that I really had to quit everything and I kept producing my own art, my own production, it doesn't matter. So the big change that I had to thought, "Okay, forget, forget it. I have not to care about the most popular, forget about it… I don't want to care about money. I just don't want to care about what I do, that I really enjoy what I'm doing, and that whatever happens, doesn't matter." And the most… So I'm in this transformational phase, but in my case, I also have the fact that I'm coming from another country and so I got my Green Card, so there are many other things involved. But still, I think that helps so much when you really pay attention to your inner feelings and hear yourself, "Oh, this makes me happy. I want to do it again." - Yes. - And so make it happen tomorrow again, right? Make a time for it, and don't be too attached to the money and to the things that you want to buy. We don't need many things. Try to live with less. Buy less. - And the good thing is when we get into that sweet spot, because we are illuminating, it brings those things, so now the money and all those other things can come, but we're solid. Right, we're solid. - Yeah. It's true. - Do me a favor. Say "exponential living" in Italian. - I try to translate it but… [foreign language]. - Yes, one more time. One more time. - [foreign language]. - Thank you. Yes, thank you. Oh, thank you. Ooh, yes, I love that. Well, guys, this last one, I want to just touch on a little bit because I think it's so critical when we talk about our value, and you just shared a little bit about that value, what do we value? I had lunch with a friend. Actually, it was a business colleague. And we were talking about how we could collaborate when I had my other business glue. And just in the middle of the lunch, she just… This was before I even started the couching, right? This is what I was called to do, because this is literally when I had my other business. She had a business, and this is a business tea, a business lunch. And she just was broke down and she was a new entrepreneur, and she was just…yeah, you know when someone is just low, just their sorrow there. So new entrepreneur, new mom, and she was just talking about all these major transitions. And I asked her. I said, "What are the things you value?" And I'll reference this a little bit. "What are the things you value?" And she named them. Laughter, something, something, and something. And so I asked her, I said, "Well, when was the last time you laughed? That's your number one value. When's the last time you laughed, and I don't mean on a Kevin Hart movie, right? Really, just from your gut, laugh, just life. Just in the middle of life, when was the last you laughed?" She said, "Sheri, I can't even tell you the last time I laughed." This is her number one value, her number one value and she couldn't even remember the last time that she'd done it. And I've asked that question of my clients over and over and over after I launched my business, and it's always consistent. When I ask, what do you value? And the things that they rattle off, but that's not where their time is going. Denise, you're shaking your head like, "Girl…" - A lot of work to do. - Right? When you get your values, and some of us don't even know what we value. We need to start there, right? We need to start, "Well, what do I value? I know that I've got to make a living. I know that I've got to provide. I know those things. But what do I value?" Because if you haven't even stopped to think about the question, then there's always going to be something missing because no matter how good you are at something, if it's not in line with your values, that thing is missing, right? First, let's stop, what do we value? Then, how much time are we putting towards the things we value? How much time are we putting towards the things we value? And I want you to keep your list really short. Just give me the...just the three or the five things. No more than five. Because what we do is we put a list of 100 and then we can't get none of them, right? That's what we do. I'm going to do all the things I value and the list is 100. No. Three, no more than five. And I want you guys online, do that. Stop right now. Write down those three to five things that you value. And here's the thing, guys. Your list cannot just be my family, and my job. No, we know those already. As a matter of fact, let me give you some criteria. You can't put family on there, can't put family on there because we already know that. That's a given, right? That's a given. It has to be other…what are those three to five things that you value? And then I want you spending time. That's one of your homework assignments, is really looking at, because what we calendar is what we do, how much time are you putting towards? Because in that, right here, this right here, a whole lot of that is what you value. A whole lot of that is what you value. So, guys, the benefits of exponential living is we get to spend more quality time with the people who mean the most. We remove the distractions and focus on what's most important. We remove the distractions and focus on what's most important. We get to enjoy more peace and less stress, peace and less stress. So many of us didn't even realize until today that peace is the thing that they're missing, because stress has become so common. Stress and anxiety have become so everyday that we didn't even realize that I don't have to live with this. I don't have to be consumed with anxiety. Clarity and less confusion, no one can say what anymore? What's those three words we can no longer say? - I don't know. - I don't know. Every time you start to say, "Yes, I do. Now, what am I not trying to accept? What do I need permission to help me with," right? Because we do know. We do know. Less confusion and the courage and more freedom. Who wants more freedom? And I don't mean from (inaudible). That's not what I'm talking about. Who wants more freedom in your thoughts, in your day-to-day? Who wants to wake up and not immediately be consumed with the day struggle? Who wants to wake up and not feel that urge to go grab that phone because you don't want to miss out on anything? Who wants more freedom to just make a decision and not fear what's on the other side of that decision but be excited and encouraged about what's on that other side?