How to Get Along with Anyone
we're here. Guys were a human vampires. I know that. We've been We've been talking about this throughout the course. I feel like it comes up in every segment because human van parents are in every area of our life for a day. 25 human vampires. My three goals for today. I want to show you how to prevent toxicity, Had a spot, the four types of difficult people and then how to deal with them, how to get along with anyone. But of course, first we have a warm up in the warm up is about something called the narcissism personality index. So this is created by Robert Raskin, who wanted to study narcissists. And we're gonna learn that one of the difficult people is a narcissist. And so I thought I would talk about this index. It is 40 questions long. Here's what's crazy. From when it was first created to 2006 the average score has jumped 30%. So as a society we are getting more narcissist in general. So we're seeing that personality type more and more often that something for us to really be a...
ware of. The issue about Narcisse is they can typically self identify. I know this is surprising, but if you directly ask someone in a safe space or in a workbook, Okay. Are you a narcissist? Usually Narcisse can tell you that they are. They might not admit it out loud, but they know they are a narcissist. I thought I would pull three questions from the narcissist personality index. You do not need to answer them out loud. Okay? I'm not getting There's no Narcisse here, so we're good. But in your workbook, I want you to journal a little bit about inventing these questions. My resonate with you. Do you sometimes feel like you're the most important person in the room? Yes or no? Do you often fantasize about the inevitable success power, beauty, power, beauty and romance that will enter your life? Are you happiest when all eyes are on you and you're receiving praise? The reason that I start with this he's a couple of these questions because at the end, we're going to talk about what if you're the difficult person and on our worst days, we all can be difficult. All of us are one of those four difficult people right on our worst days and our worst mood. And so I want you to do a little bit of self exploration in your safe space in your workbook about maybe, if that Narcisse one is you First, I want to just talk about your interaction Bill of Rights. You have certain rights when you interact with people and you have to know them. You deserve to be treated with respect, to say no without feeling guilty, to set your priorities to healthy relationships, to create a happy life, to have fulfilling connections. You do not have to deal with difficult people. It is in your interactions right to deal with people who fulfil you. They, we have remember about them is they also have rights. Remember that fear is a cross dresser. Fear often comes out as other things most difficult people are covering up, hiding from or ignoring their low road fear. That's what makes them prickly. That's what makes them difficult. It's because they have a fear that they're not addressing. They're covering up or they're hiding. They have a set of bill of rights, too difficult people. They're allowed to have their low road fear their insecurity, their gremlins. They're allowed to be avoiding anxious or self near, and they're allowed to have their self narratives. As long as our boundaries are being protected, right, well, they're allowed to experience their fear. So now it's time to talk about four different types of difficult people first. Downers. Downer's also known as negative Nancy's No People or Debbie downers. They complain. They critique. They judge. They always have something negative to say. The difficulty is that they're almost impossible to please anything you do everything you do. There's something wrong with it, right? It's not acceptable. It's not enough. Their fear is that they're going to be rejected first. Now there are many fears that could come up, but often times downers. They criticized because they're worried that you're gonna criticize them. They feel like, Well, if I criticize everyone else first and I'll be out there and they won't have to criticize me, I want to hear it. I'm the one who said no. First, it's like ending a break up when you think the other person's gonna break up with you. It's kind of the same kind of thing on the personality matrix, downers typically fall low. Agreeableness, lo openness, high, neurotic again. All of us, on our worst day are one of these four types and that's okay. One uppers, also known as better than show offs or know it alls their habits is they want to impress you. They want a name drop and they want to compare. Oh, you're stressed. I'm even more stressed. You're awesome. I'm even more awesome. They're difficulty is narcissism. So Narcis typically fall into this one upper category where they're always better than they're always superior. Their fear is typically the underlying fear is that they're afraid they're going to be forgotten, ignored or undervalued. So they show off because they want the attention. They're worried that if they don't show off, he won't like them. They actually think most one uppers think that they're not being a show off. They think that they're actually trying to impress you and being likable. They think that's a part of their likability in their charisma. They don't realize what they're doing is actually putting you down. We're not validating you, right? I don't want to hear your story. I'm just gonna tell you mine their personality matrix on the personal Petr personality matrix, high openness and high extra version. The reason for this is because high openness, sometimes they want to show off all the things they've done right. They think it's super impressive. They have this great. We'll look at all my adventures I've done. They trump your stories with their stories. They trump their fax sometimes high extra version with their directness. So they want to be the life of the party. They don't want the for gotten, so they feel like they have to razzle dazzle everyone all the time. They always have to be on passives, also known as pushovers. Yes, people and weaklings habits. They pulled back and they hold back right. They're afraid to share. They're difficulty is they're invisible there for gotten their non contributors. People don't always like to have them around because they feel like they don't care. They're apathetic. They don't contribute much. The fear is that they're gonna be criticized. The reason they hold back and pull back, they don't contribute because they're afraid that if they do, they'll be rejected and they'd rather be for gotten been criticized. Personality matrix typically tendencies only low extra version low openness, high neuroticism, high neurotics are afraid they're gonna be criticized. They're afraid of the very sensitive to other people's emotions, and they worry about every possibility so they might hold back for that. Low Open is they don't want to try anything new, right? It scares them a little bit. Lo extra version. They're inhibited, their little more reserved. They want to take it in first. That makes them seem passive tanks, also known as explosive bossy. What a handful. That's usually what it is. Drama queen. Their habits are their over the top, overly emotional, and sometimes they can have anger issues. They exploded, you difficulty there. Sina's dramatic, overly reactive, and they're very unpredictable. You never quite know what you're gonna get, but you never know what kind of move that there and attending feel their moods very, extremely fear. They have a couple fears here, but being boring. I've talked to a couple different tanks in those moments of openness, and there's this fear of being boring or being for gotten slash. They have just a really hard time controlling their emotions. They're super reactive, and they don't realize how extreme they look to other people. They don't realize how hard it is that their unpredictability makes it hard for other people to react with them. They just don't. They cannot control those high emotions that are running in them. On the personality matrix sometimes could be high extroverts, especially, but someone who swings from being like the life of the party toe wanting to be a recluse. High neuroticism, high emotional reactivity, worrier and high openness because they want experience, a lot of things there always going, and that can make them a handful. They're always trying to do too many things at once or doing too many things explode tanks, by the way, the hardest of the difficult personalities, because they're so unpredictable and they can range unpredictability. If you had to describe it in one word, it would be backs. It's that person your life. They cause you a little bit of stress that a little bit difficult, but you don't always know what you're gonna get with them. You cannot argue with a feeling you can't argue with fear, right? Difficult People are in fear mode. They're feeling afraid. They're feeling anxious. You cannot argue with feelings. They're not logical. It's literally impossible. Trying to argue with someone's feelings about someone is like trying to tell them right with your non dominant hand. Please. It just doesn't work. But you can acknowledge it. Remember how, with our own fear, fear of Ana, we felt the fear and we acknowledged it. You could do the same thing for someone else, and this is step to value and acknowledge them. This is like the hardest part of the chorus guys right here, Right, as I'm asking you to those difficult people in your life to figure out how you can value, acknowledge them. If you value difficult people, they will be less apathetic, angry and fearful. The other side of this, which I think is like a super pipes like with the word, is like a potent combination here, like a lethal weapon is combining the Franklin effect with the pig Malian effect. This is like the ultimate disarm er for difficult people. If you can combine these two things, let me explain how that works. If you ask a difficult person for help, they will almost always rise to the occasion. Typically, we do the opposite if we have a difficult person were like, Don't ask them for help, right? But actually, if you can value them and acknowledge them by giving them a reason to help you and that uses both the pickney improve alien effect on the Franklin effect. So in in a one stroke, you value them. You use the pig Malian effect. You expect the best from them instead of expecting the worst, and you use the Franklin effect by asking for a favor. Next, set your boundaries. There's going to be times where you cannot snap them out of it, and that means you have to make sure that you prevent the toxicity from reaching you. So we learned about how to do this in day number to detox, blocking your calendar with refuel activities before and after having to see them saying no and setting limits. We learned exactly how to say no, but I want to teach you one more technique that works extremely well with difficult people. And it is the wen feel need a technique. They would know this technique. It's used a lot and fantastic. Yeah, it's great. So I want to teach it to you. The wen feel need technique is when When you do something, I feel an emotion I need next up. Sometimes you can have. Could you write? That's kind of like a parentheses. Sometimes there has to be something you need from them. Stick to this formula. This is your people encyclopedia. When this happens, do not deviate from this formula. The reason why is because they cannot argue with a feeling, either. Sometimes, if you're talking to a difficult person, you go into logic and reasoning of why they should do something. They get distracted with the logic and reasoning and try to argue with you, you have to stick to the feeling. Ninja Tip. Imagine yourself as the most patient, kind and fair person you know. So sometimes I'm doing a difficult person. I've talked about my friend Barry before. My friend Berry is like the kind ist most patient, most honest person I know. And whenever I'm with someone who I'm like, I'm just Channel Barry. Just Channel Barry actually does help your brain get into a different mindset. It makes you step back. It's a trick on the brain to get emotional distance for just a second to channel yourself with someone else I'm like, What would bury do in this situation? How would bury respond to this email? This works awesome in emails. It's a very, very direct and clear way to communicate when you I feel I need. Here's the thing. We're all one of these difficult people on our worst day. What happens when you are the difficult person in your workbook? I want you to look at some of these descriptions and think about where you tip into all right, what's your fears for you? And here's how we deal with it. It's the exact same three step process is learning. We start with awareness. Did people say to you, or do you feel like this always happens to me? All right, always hear that sometimes we don't realize that for difficult person are people always saying to you, You know, I we should get back to me sooner or you're always late, right? That will give you some clues about how you possibly difficult person and just being aware of which one of those you tend to fall into in the fear that's underlying it. Same with learning. That's the first step to fixing it. Second discomfort That's the second stage of learning. It's also the second stage of dealing with difficult, your own difficult person reframing the low road, figuring out that fear is and then reframing it so identifying it and figure out what's a name you can call it. How can you have some introspection on it and asking for feedback? Sometimes the part of discomfort is asking for feedback from people that we trust. How can I be a better friend? How can I be a better client? How can I be better? Coach? How can I be a better instructor? Yeah, that is how we get uncomfortable. But it's also how we get to the next stage of learning. I try. It's very difficult, but I do try to ask this of my employees on people who I work with because it gives them a safe space to tell me if they have sometimes been on their mind, gives them a safe place. Actually, tell me that, and lastly adoption, I want you to turn your fear into determination. If we're determined to be in a growth mindset to know that our failures or our show shortcomings or are bad moods, they don't define us if we're in a bad mood, were not a bad person. We made some mistakes with people That doesn't make us wrong. So wait a turn in determination and turn it into growth. We absolutely can change our natural response, and this is the biggest challenge. First, I want to ask one person, one person. How can I be a better one person? I know that's hard. Could be at one of your intimate. It could be your riser. I want to ask someone that, but I want you to try the wen feel. Need technique in action. It could be something extremely small, very, very small, but I was going to try in action once and see how it feels, what the words you use that come naturally to you. My bonus for today. Think of a really difficult person in your life, and I want you to try to crack them. Endeavor to discover give him a call, email them and see if you can solve their matrix. What's their value? Language. What's their intelligence was so love language and what's their ocean. See if you can crack them