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Student Coaching Session

Lesson 15 from: How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence

Mel Robbins

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Lesson Info

15. Student Coaching Session

Mel answers questions from students on how to handle their own situations.

Lesson Info

Student Coaching Session

Anybody got any quick questions, yes? I do coaching right now for professionals that are trying to leave their nine to fives in the hope of finding something much more inspiring and perhaps starting their own businesses. A lot of my friends are in this group, in this, my target market type of group so I get a lot of questions saying "Hey can I pick your brain, can I talk to you? Can we do a quick chat, can we take you to dinner?" And these are services I charge for so I would love your advice on how to tactfully navigate that response without ruining the relationship. Great question because I bet a lot of you that maybe don't do coaching but you, could you photograph my kids? Could you help me with my website? It happens a lot and so there's no way around it because it's clearly something that bothers you. If it's not something that bothers you, 'cause there's some people that don't actually want their friends to pay them, because that's more uncomfortable but for you there's the s...

ense that you're getting taken advantage of, right? And it also is the sense that people aren't recognizing, they recognize the value, they're just not thinking about it as a service. And so what I would do is, and you can research this but one way that you could say it, because you just have to say it, and it's never gonna feel good, ever. Because you don't want people to judge you, you don't want people to be offended. And so you can come out in this situation and just say that and say "I love that you asked me, I'm honored, and I don't really have time because I'm busy working with other clients, but I have two books that I love and a blog that I refer people to and if you ever are in the market for, if you ever wanna work with somebody, I'd be happy to talk to you or refer you to somebody else that I like." So you basically acknowledge the compliment that comes with somebody asking for your services but then you say "I'm so busy with clients I'm not taking coffee with people for this kind of stuff but here's the books I love, here's this." I remember, I can't remember whose advice it was, somebody saying I thought, oh that's really good. Where if somebody has an emergency and they come to you and they now are trying to make their emergency your emergency just say I have planned out my entire week, and this is really not a priority for me. I'm sorry you're going through it but it would require me to deal, to actually move priorities around. If it's an emergency you wanna help with, great, but you're also then communicating that you're the kind of person that plans. You're the kind of person that has priorities. But that's how I would handle it. And expect the feelings to really stink. Expect to have that anxiety. Expect to feel worried. And you can be yourself after you say it and say "And I really hope you're not mad at me, I just have to protect my time because things are really busy, okay?" Of course, any other quick questions? Yes, Hector. Yeah, just I wanna say also that I was doing two things, avoiding, avoiding because when I feel that the worry, I decide to think of something else. I didn't change the worry for excitement. You know what I was doing, I was trying to understand the feeling, and I waste so much time trying to understand the why I feel that way. Went through my channels. Who else does that? You spend all the time like why am I feeling this way right? That kind of stuff and now I say okay, you've gotta just change the anchor to that. Yes, and you also let the feelings come. So the feelings are normal. Do not focus on the feelings. Feeling jealous is normal. Listening to it's a choice. Feeling anxious and scared is normal. Listening to it is a choice. And so in those five second windows when you feel feelings come up don't add to them, choose to act different. And now you also know using five four three two one and anchor thoughts, you can stabilize what your body is doing and you can redirect what your mind is thinking about. So then the question is, about raising prices, right? For example I'm feeling more value for my own work, so I, because I've been something my whole life maybe, just knowing you're gonna change from one day to the other. When past my, maybe you can. So do you wanna raise your prices from 2,100 to 4,000? Yes. Then do it. Just like that? Yes. (audience laughs) That's easy. And you're not gonna feel like you're ready for it. But nobody's gonna come out and be like "Oh, 2,100, I think you're worth four, I'll pay ya more." But they might say, four, eech, could you do three? And then you get to choose yes or no. See the problem is, is that you, what'll happen if you under price yourself Is you will actually start to resent the customers that are paying you for what you ask for. When you start to feel that way, it is time to raise your prices. 'Cause it's not their fault that all this stuff is getting done so cheaply. It's your fault for charging that much. And so yes, if you wanna get paid $4,000, ask for it. They can always say no, and so can you. Thank you. And you're not gonna feel ready, that's part of the impostor syndrome. And so as you feel that angst, if it doesn't go away, with you asking, asking, asking, four four four, no no no no no it's a numbers game, right? Then you go to work for what is it that makes you uncomfortable and you did say something about how you're not totally proud of your work. So I would share your work more on social media, and if there's a particular kind of class that you need to take from creative live to up the skills, take it, okay. But continue to ask for four. Yes, Danny. Mine is just actually a comment to Hector. Great. Sometimes when you or, and that I've noticed, you're dealing with somebody that undervalues their own product. It makes the customer also undervalue your product as well. Especially if you are, that's so much cheaper, or inexpensive than the other. Then it's like okay well, then maybe I shouldn't go with him 'cause I want really good quality photos. So sometimes when you undervalue, they'll undervalue it as well. And you can also do my trick. That's excellent advice Danny. You can ask them, what's your budget? Because then you know and you can say if they say my budget's two grand you say, oh my starting price is four. The other thing that's interesting, to piggyback off your point, and these are all lessons I learned the hard way because I was listening to my feelings. When I first got into the speaking business for pay, remember, and I had a, my first corporate client and it was a financial services client and I was doing a corporate retreat for the CEO and I was with some big time, New York Times bestselling authors. Like holy cow fangirling in the back that so and so's up front, woah. After the event, the event planner came up to me, Hector, and said "You were really awesome and that's why I wanna give you this advice." And I said, "Sure, what is it?" She said "We almost didn't hire you because you were so much less expensive than the other speakers, we wondered how you could possibly be as good as they said you were." And because my, because of how I felt about myself, my feelings didn't match what I should be charging. And I was insecure about charging that and so the only way to do it is to start charging what you want. And again, remember the clue, when you start to resent the people, that are hiring you because it's worth more, that's when you really need to charge more. Okay, any other quick questions? Jess, right here. This really got to me right here and I wrote it down because you don't have to listen to the shit that I think and I'm going through, I had a big year also with lots and lots of life. And I feel like it's the unworthiness issue where I keep trying to do more, you know I think I didn't get a degree, so I got the degree, but I didn't have a masters' degree so I got the masters' degree. I run a marathon, do a triathlon, do a this. When I get that I'll be better, when I do this I'll be better, when I do that it'll be better. Like when am I gonna be good enough? And when is my mind gonna tell me that I'm good enough when I keep, and then, relationship things, and then the rug pulled out and then starting over, new career, like-- See telling yourself-- Can you hear the anxiety and panic? Yeah. Telling yourself that you're not good enough has become a habit. And what's interesting is we've talked all day about how the fastest way to change your mindset is to do the things you're doing so you see that you're good enough. And then I feel guilty that I actually succeeded a little bit, so I don't honor the celebration that it actually happened so it's like-- Self-improvement guilt, yes. You have to go to war against this because you're making your life so difficult. And it's just a habit, that's all that it is. And you-- See what I do, I've been waking up early, I've been the boss of my morning since August 4th. Awesome. And that was challenging. But how do I make the boss of the rest of it? You have to mind this, upstairs, like a shark. You have to protect your happiness by literally, the second you say something that is not powerful or positive or kind, like let's start with you just being kind to yourself, okay, just kind. What'd you say? Well I've kind of tried that, a little bit. But see, the, how old are you? I'm 44. Don't raise your eyebrows at me sister. I'm about to be 49. I'm almost 45, new career, whole life change. And it's fine, I'm kinda tired of. But see your issue isn't doing. You're exhausted because you're beating the hell out of yourself upstairs. It's never good enough. I don't know if you adopted these tapes from your mother or from your father, like who in your life you're now mimicking, but it has to freaking stop. And so I need you to understand that this is a habit. You have gotten so used to beating yourself up you don't even hear it. That's true. And so it's a lot like any habit. So if you write with your right hand and you wanna teach yourself to write with the left hand, how long do you think it would take you to be just as good at writing with your left hand? Let's just guess, what do you think it would be? What do you think it would be? 10 years. A couple weeks. You say, oh yeah a couple weeks. I know, I know because I'm a doer. See I mean except for today I was hiding because, but I'm a doer to keep trying to prove to myself that I'm worthy enough to, but then the guilt overrides like I don't know how to be kind to myself. Okay, well we're gonna start. So you're not allowed to let any unkind thought linger. We're gonna go into like super bitch slap mode upstairs. (whistles through lips) Like just all the time. Because you've gotten so accustomed to this. And I want you to not get heavy about it like, Oh, there I go again, oop there I go again, oop there I go again. You could even give this thing a name. You could, you could call it, when my son gets anxiety he calls it Oliver. Oliver's back because it makes it outside of him, which allows him to be objective versus subjected to what's happening. And so the first skill is spotting it. So every single time, oh I know exactly what you're gonna do. Okay good I'm so glad I just realized this. Every single time you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself, your immediate reaction instead of being like Oh I just caught myself, moment of power is gonna be shit I'm doing it again. Okay, okay I can do that. So you're gonna catch yourself going I don't like how I look, oh that was a dumb thing, oh (mumbles) gonna work out. Like oop what am I doing, five four three to one, good job. Good job. Oh, there are, I'm just doing it, what is Helga doing? Five four three two one, good job I just caught it again. And so you can retrain where your mind defaults to. You are so used to this that you don't even hear it. It's like background noise. This goes for every one of us. Every one of us because in any area of your life that you wanna change when you step into that new area, you are going to have some disempowering story about yourself, 'cause you're learning something. So you have to take the actions first, most of the time if it's new behavior the mindset will follow. But with old patterns, old behaviors, always thinking, anxiety, all of it, it's so fast and so hard-wired and encoded as a chunk, that you gotta break it apart, one little slap at a time. And it's doable? Doable, do you know how screwed up I was, still am? You know I, seriously, how much do you wanna be happy? I'm ready, I'm-- I didn't ask you if you were ready. How much do you want to be happy? Like are you willing to fight for this? I am. I think this is the best thing worth fighting for is thinking thoughts that make you happy, thinking thoughts that empower you. And it is a skill. And hell yes, you can learn it. You're a very successful, smart, accomplished woman. If you can run a marathon, you can teach yourself how to think differently. No question because a marathon in my mind is like every single step you've gotta keep pushing forward, keep pushing forward. That's all that this is. And so be prepared that you may have to autocorrect 100 times, no big deal, you're learning a new skill. You're done with being negative. The other thing about being kind is there's this thing that I do that I love. It's called savoring. So there's one thing a lot of you probably have gratitude practices, what are you grateful for? Savoring is when you say it out loud. So when you compliment somebody that's a form of savoring. When you walk outside and you say it's a beautiful day today, that's a form of savoring. It amps up the benefits of gratitude. So you need to start to take on a practice of savoring things about yourself. I know it sounds stupid, but about your life. Oh my gosh, look at these flowers, they're gorgeous. Oh what a beautiful day we're having today. Hey I did a pretty good job on this. It's not, it really works because we're trying to retain, we're trying to you retrain you from defaulting negative, which so many of us do, to actually doing something that changes, fundamentally, the experience that you're having in life. So there's nothing conceited about? Conceited, about what? About feeling proud of myself, I guess. Seriously? No, I think you need a hug, come here. I honestly, come here, why are you, what is it that, what is it that happened, that had you not be proud of yourself? Well, I'm, betrayal and Yeah, how many? Well Like did one person betray you? Well the most important one. Which is who? My children's father. Okay? (mumbles) Yes it is, that's all right, everybody can relate. Don't worry about it. Okay, so you got cheated on and he left, is that what happened? Kind of. Kind of or? I mean yeah. Yeah, that's what happened, how long ago? I mean, recently. How recently? A year. I'm sorry this happened to you. That sucks, it's not easy to get divorced and one thing that I want you to think about is how many people are in the United States? Billions, millions? I don't know either, anybody know? (laughter) 300 million okay. I'm not good with math. Okay, 300 million people. And look at how much power we're giving one of them, 'kay. And so he already did what he did. Don't let that instance dictate the rest of your life. That was about him, he was unhappy, clearly. He needed a distraction, clearly. Who the hell knows why? You can go to therapy and you can figure out what role did you play so that you can see and accept some responsibility. But the thing that you cannot do is to let what one person did dictate how you behave the rest of your life. That was, I'm gonna even say something, that was supposed to happen. I know. Do you see, I know. Well it's just because I keep, well I just keep proving, trying to prove myself to myself that I can carry on. Well you can carry on. The question is, can you carry on and be happy. I can, but I've I don't know why I feel so guilty trying to be happy. I don't know, because it's a lot more, is it a lot more fun to just be the victim and to say "He's an asshole and I got cheated on, and now my life sucks and it's his fault and it's never gonna be good again and" a little bit of that? I know it feels good to make people wrong. Well I don't really blame him but it's like my own never good enough things, like. So here's what happened. Your husband had an affair and he left, that's what happened. So we can't necessarily control what happens to us. And we can't necessarily control the feelings that rise up, right? But that triggered a deeper button in you. So you remember how I said people only attack and the trolls come out when you trigger some truth that's buried in there. And so the truth is that yes, the never good enough and so the problem is, you're not an attorney are you? No. But you're so busy looking for evidence that you're not good enough that that's all that you experience in life. But I keep doing things to show myself that I'm good enough but it's never good enough. I don't know, that's why like I didn't know what my question was but I know like-- You're trapped in a mental pattern. Yes. That's all that's happening. Your husband left, he's gone, you have to deal with him for the rest of your life because of your children. You need to get over this. And I suggest that you start getting annoyed with the fact that this tape is still around and that you go to literally to war against the way that it goes there. And until you make a decision that you deserve to be happy this ain't happenin'. The next chapter of your life is simply, and I say simply because I want you to focus on one thing. Building the skill of happiness. It's a skill, you're born with, I think it's like a 40% level in terms of the preset level of how much happiness you have that's genetically set, the rest of it's totally under your control, completely. You ain't stuck here, sister, But you gotta choose what you want for the next chapter of your life. So tell me what is the next chapter for you? Well joy, for sure. Yes, yes, joy. So anything that doesn't make you feel supported and happy, not allowed, not allowed. You can, you're, listen, you're stuck with your ex because you got kids together. So he's gonna text you and feelings are going to come up, here comes a fart worry, wooh, got one, okay. And then, five four three two one. He's the father of my kids, I'm gonna get along and show my kids how you do this. That's what you're gonna do. 'Cause that's what somebody who's committed to happiness does. You're going to see something and you're gonna woop, fart worry, here we go, five four three two one, I am not thinking that. Thank you for being here. Do you know how many people you helped today? No. Say, you should feel very happy about that. My pleasure. (audience laughs) Oh me too. All right, one last one. Anyone, yes, hi, hi honey. (woman mumbles) Yes, I love you in pink. (woman mumbles) I'm mic'd, is it not working? Is it working, does she need one? Double mic. Okay, we're good hun. But I find, and I've lost a lot of weight. You look fantastic. Since the program began. And I suffered from terrible night eating compulsion for a couple of years. And I overcame that. And I bet seeing the habit loops and the way it triggers, time of day is a huge trigger for behavior, by the way. And you know what helped me stop, just some stuff flipped in my mind, going through the course. But I said 8:00, I don't eat after 8:00. That's right. And that was really when second dinner, and second dessert were coming into play. So I feel like I'm on the right track but it's then going to the next level and overcoming, it's sort of related to what you were talking about where you have people in your life. You have a lot of sabotaging thoughts that you can say five four three two one, go away. Yes. But there's real stuff, there's, my kids are all grown up. But they're still in my life, and they still either have issues, have issues with me and I find that it throws me off to what I'm trying to accomplish because they really are my priority and they probably always will be. So my question is, what do you do with that? How do you stay on course. Right, well what are you, are you off the course of making progress on a business objective or life changes or do you get off the course of being who you've become? Do you see what I'm, does the question make sense? Yeah, yeah, well just to tell, the way it works is, my day gets ruined almost from the get go. Now I know how to overcome this. It just hit me now, which I have no explanation why, just going five four three two one, I'm going to the gym now, and then I'm gonna do, and don't let any of that in before it hits me, I've got that. But the thing is, by doing that, it doesn't go away. It never will. It's still there. Can I explain something? When will you ever get to stop doing laundry? Not in the foreseeable future. Yeah, never. There are going to be things about your life that never go away and the real mastery is in managing yourself so that you can either turn and not let the day be ruined and step into helping the emergency of the day with the kids which happens in my life a lot. Or saying "Hey, that's your issue, I'll be back in an hour and we'll talk about it." And not adding anything to it. That is literally what, that is the heart of everything that you've learned, and you actually frankly, have mastered it. And the other thing is that I think that our kids at least, and our family, 'cause it might not be kids, it might be that you got a dog that's sick. It might be that you have family members that are constantly, it might be that you have Mom and Dad that you've gotta take care of. And so those are real issues. But what I know that you're capable of is not letting those real life things that do come up interfere how you feel in the moment, in terms of what you do next, how you choose to talk to somebody, what thoughts you're gonna have, all of that. Does that make sense? Yes, and as I listened today and I was thinking about this problem, I figure it's like when I, when I get up in the morning or after the gym or whenever it hits me, it's like there's two paths in front of me. And I could go down that left handed path which is all of those feelings of upsettedness or inadequacy or whatever that is that they trigger in me. It's not me doing it necessarily. It is coming from a legitimate source. But instead I stay the course and go that straight path. Yeah, so remember how I said I'm working a lot on tone right now. So that's in relation to my family. So not snapping at the kids, not using a sharp tone with Chris. Pulling back before I, even with my team, like trying to be more conscientious about how I speak. And so this is all advanced self-monitoring, same thing you're working on. So what tells me, what that tells me, is that you got the basics handled, totally. You got 'em mastered. Now it's about those situational things that happen every five seconds. And because when you tune up your awareness. When you start to learn the basics of what we've talked about, in terms of confidence is trying. Self-doubt is the decision not to, that there are four traps, actions that you actively engage in that are forms of self-doubt that rob you of your power, of your joy, of your opportunity. When you learn how to interrupt the thought patterns that really betray you and you take control of them you got the basics down. Now what happens is you got a problem because in every situation you're actually so clear that you know you have a choice. And so, there'll be some things that really irritate you, because you wish that you didn't feel it. It irritates me that after all this time, I still hate exercising. And that I have all that agit-- it irritates me that my kids haven't absorbed all this yet and they do things that trigger me. So there are things that happen but you now have the control to make the decision. And the next level would be to make the decision without torturing yourself and also without destroying everybody around you. You know a really powerful thought, and it's evolved a little bit, is the only thing between you and your dreams is you. And I actually would visualize that, I mean I still do. But this whole idea too of if you, if an action will solve your problem, you don't really have a problem, wow. And here's the other thing. If you think about, I think I shared with you in the beginning the story about discovering the five second rule and how if I rolled the clock forward and thought about if I continued to behave this way in my marriage it would lead to a place I didn't want it. You start to see when you slow things down to a five second window. Like time sort of expands a little bit and you can roll forward if I go down that road with the emotion it leads here. If I gut check myself and push myself in this direction, it's actually toward the thing that I want. And the thing that you want might just be a little bit more confidence. It might be the funding for your company. It might be to not have these waves of anxiety come over you. I don't know what it is, it's your life. You get to choose, but what's cool is all of these tools will work when you engage in them. So that's amazing, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Yeah, of course.

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Ratings and Reviews

Michal Levi

Let me start by saying I bought a book of hers and could not get through it. I just tuned in live today out of curiosity.. with low expectations. BUT WOW. THIS WAS FANTASTIC! As someone who teaches professionally (and has won teaching awards), I have to say I was in AWE of what a great teacher she was. Also, while she is not a licensed therapist, which some have complained about, she is so gifted in this area. WOW she has a talent! Watching her with individuals from the audience was moving, informative and inspirational! UTTERLY AWESOME! Truly glad I took the time just in case there was any value to it. THERE WAS IN FACT A LOT OF VALUE! Thanks Mel! Hey, I may even try to pick up that book of yours again. BRAVO!

Go2 Norway

Wow! The science-behind-typical-human-behaviors that fuel self-doubt AND clear ways to understand how to acknowledge those, and move into confidence-through-action. Easy and interesting ways to remember the points! Marvelous presenter skills -- a real model, and inspiration. Actual coaching sessions within the class to make it real. Mel is totally herself, and vulnerabilities become her strength in real-time, which class participants also lived out in real-time as well. Very memorable. And, the explanation of anxiety as a high energy state matching excitement more than calm was significant, as well as the myths about confidence (such as confidence is not about a personality; rather, action). Well organized, made sense, and I will integrate multiple parts daily! THANKS, MEL!!!

Wild Flower Murals

I'm training to be a life coach and have been a public muralist for years. I've been researching creativity, self initiated empowerment and positive psychology from various angles for many years- in hopes to make it accessible to many. I initially came across Mel's book and was wholly impressed by how effective yet simple the 5-4-3-2-1 book was. I am so glad I took this course, it is the best of the best of the best!!!

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