Our friendly yin and yang symbol. Okay, why am I showing that again? Well, we're gonna add some specificity to it this time. What is on either side of the yin and yang, in this course, or on feedback? The mindset of feedback, that I'm really proposing, in terms of how we communicate where we're coming from, energetically, or how we're orienting ourselves, what is our goal, is this. It's to balance... Being friendly and compassionate, that's one side. Can you anchor, in friendliness, and compassion, even if it's something that's driving you crazy, even if you doubt this person's intentions, or motives, even if it's really tense for you, and you get really serious and locked up, can you re-anchor, to friendliness and compassion? And can you also be clear and firm? (clears throat) The tricky part here is, sometimes, in people trying to be friendly and compassionate, they lose their clarity, or they lose their firmness with someone. So, we're gonna go into each one of them. What does that ...
really mean? What do I mean, by these concepts? 'Cause, there is realness, there's real behaviors behind this. So, first, friendly. That means, can you, when you're giving feedback, sit on the same on the same side of the table as someone? Metaphorically, and maybe even, literally? I sometimes do purposely sit on the same side of the table of someone, when I'm giving feedback, to really anchor this, physically in my body. But, at least, from a vision standpoint, can I be on the same side of the table? The second is... Well, and I would say, I'll say this for the same side of the table. Instead of, I'm across from you, and I'm pushing the issue onto your plate, it's yours now, deal with it. The other person might be taking the actions, to change, but that you're still connected. Even if they're doing the work, you're on their team. You're on their side, versus... Fix it. And it's adversarial. So, we also wanna take an emotional correctness. There's political correctness. Don't say a thing, that's gonna get you in trouble. Don't say a thing, that people will be upset at you. That's political correctness. This is emotional correctness. Emotional correctness is, are you coming from the right intention, or emotional space? So, I want you to think about emotional correctness. What emotion do I want to generate, in myself, and have received on the other side? If you're feeling frustration, or disappointment, or anger, or whatever, hey, guess what, they're gonna notice. But, on the same token, if you are feeling love, and support, and service, they're gonna feel those, too. So, get clear on what your emotions are, and be correct on that level, first. Be kind. Try to realize, that other people are doing their best, with what they've got. And, you might slowly need to make them, have them do better, but can we come from that place of kindness? Friend signals. When I coach people, on how to give feedback, you will see the sourest faces, when they go into feedback mode. They just got scowls, 'cause they might be nervous of thinking about what to say, and their faces, and their body language, crossed legs, crossed arms, their signals are foe. Foe, not friend. So, our brains are looking for threats. We're scanning, all the time, 'cause we're wondering, if a lion, biologically, we're wondering if a lion's gonna jump out, or a snake. So, we're always scanning for threats, always scanning for threats. Now, we don't have the same environment we did, when we were evolving, biologically. However, we still have some of the same hardware. So, if you give foe signals, in scowls, crossed arms, big energy, domination, people are gonna be defensive. So, can you give friend signals? Can you be constructive? This is what we call, I think this is so silly, but it is helpful, so I'll say it to you. Can we think about this, as feed forward, not feedback? Feed forward, not feedback. Never look back, always look forward. I know it's cheesy, but it's true. Or, can we give the feedback, not dwelling on the he said/she said, you did this, you did that, but think about, how is getting connected, on what happened before, gonna actually help us change what's going on, in the future? That will help you a lot, when people get really argumentative over details, or frustrated, if you have that feed forward mentality. And friendly also means giving context. Now, some people that are friendly, get lost in context, but you do wanna give enough context, people understand where you're coming from. We'll talk about that in the model. Okay. Now, compassionate. What does that mean? So, it's friendly, compassionate. Compassionate means, really coming from a place of love, not hate. Now, I don't think people... I don't think any of you would say, I hate someone, that I'm working with. But, we do have this kind of yin and yang, where we talk about being a Taoist. There's a side of us, that's our loving thoughts, and loving side, and there's a side, that's a little bit more judgmental, frustrated, and I would call that hate, even if it's not at its extreme. Hate, as extreme, is really extreme. But, even if we're more just in that world, even a half-step, I got the lines here, and we step over, and I hate this much, even though you could go all the way to the wall, you have to be real with yourself. Am I in more that mindset, or I'm in love? 'Cause, when you're in the love thoughts, about someone, that's all you're thinking about. You're thinking compassionately. You're thinking that way, because you're in it. You can only either be in one at a time. In the moment, you're in one or the other. So, you gotta be clear, which one you're in. Compassion also means being thoughtful. Trying to think through, why would they may be doing what they're doing, even if it's baffling? And that people might be doing their best. So, that's that compassion. It's like, I'm coming from understanding. I get it, you're human. You're doing your best. Now, we have to balance those two, with the other two. Clear is so important. This is the bedrock. If I had to say, we'd start with something, we'd start with clarity, and everything else builds on top. 'Cause, you want people to understand, really, what are you saying? What did they do, that needs to change? What didn't work? Or, what did work? What did you love? Is it clear? If someone says, Cory, great job, great presentation, I go, super, and I always ask 'em, what did you love about it, or what was great about it, from your perspective? 'Cause, I don't know what great means. They could think I'm funny, or they could think I had good information. I don't know what they resonated with. So, it means being direct. Don't be afraid, to let the punch, or the slap land. If it's a harder feedback, not that you're trying to punch or slap someone, but if you know it's gonna be a little stinging, just lean into that. Don't make it any harder than it needs to be. But, don't be afraid of what the impact's gonna be. We're gonna talk about how to mitigate that later. Evidence-based. Make it, like a camera would see it, evidence-based. What did they do? What was the pattern? This happened, and then this happened, and this happened. Not, this happened, and I thought this about that, and then you did that, and then you add in your own emotional judgment, or no. What actually happened, as the camera would see it? And clear means, no bologna sandwiches. I really think you're doing a great job, super duper. What you did is pretty much gonna get you fired, but I think you're, I love your outfit. (group chuckling) That is not the way to get feedback. Compliment sandwiches are awful. They're disingenuous, and people will lose trust in you. If you just give it to 'em straight, and then care for them, and they can feel both, that's what we're gonna work on today. No bologna sandwiches. Focus on the pattern. What I mean by that is, it goes with evidence-based. What is the pattern, they've been doing? What I would like to say is, you should have at least two examples of when it happened. Because, two examples is the fastest, or shortest way, to a pattern. One is not a pattern, two is a pattern. Three is sometimes overkill. Even if they had done it ten times, you can keep the ten in your pocket, but only communicate two. So, that's focus on the pattern, and help them understand, that this is more than once. There's a pattern happening. And be evidence-based, when you are showing them the pattern. Yep, we'll talk more about that. Okay. Firm. So, clear is like they get it, you're being direct. Now, firm is, no compromising on facts. I have a lot of leaders do this. They tell the person their feedback, they get through all the opening, which we're gonna go into, and then they say, so, do you agree, that this is happening? And immediately, now, they've opened the door for someone to disagree with facts. If you know it happened, then communicate it as a fact, and stand behind it. And don't let someone sort of bend the truth. We have enough bending the truth in our culture right now, in our news. So, when you're in the room with someone, don't compromise on the facts. We'll talk a little bit more about that. Focus on action. So, again, people sometimes will say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the feedback. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanna fix it. But, if you don't actually get it, to where you're focused on some real action, then they're gonna leave the room, and nothing will have changed. So, you can ask people, and use the words like, what will you do? And then you could ask them, when will you do it by? Things like that. By the end, you have to have people committed, and bought into something, 'cause some action needs to happen. And it has to be specific. If you're not clear, on exactly what they're gonna do, then you can measure, and check in with the month, then you haven't been doing your job. So, you gotta keep talking through it, and negotiating, and getting clarity on that. That's the firmness. And it might say, you might have to bring people back, bring people back. Okay, let's slow down for a second, and really focus on what's gonna happen. And, don't be afraid, if necessary, to lay out consequences. Not to be manipulative, not to be a jerk, but for example, how much of a jerk are you, if you don't tell someone, what they're doing, is gonna lead them to get fired, and then, only you tell them, that it was that severe, when you fire them? That's awful, right? So, in telling someone what the feedback is, you can be kind, and friendly, and compassionate, and clear, and as part as that saying, hey, based on what's happening right now, I gotta tell you, we're gonna have you off that project, if it continues, unfortunately. We're gonna have to switch your accounts, to more junior accounts. Like, I'll let you have the senior accounts. Something I wanna do, but based on the impact, that's what would happen, after a month, if we don't pick it up. You're helping people understand the stakes, if they're real. You don't need to introduce fake ones. But, be clear, so they know how serious it is. I want you to think about these things, not as on a spectrum, like where am I on the spectrum? Like, am I in the middle, or over here, on one side? They're like bar graphs. How filled are your bar graphs right now? So, on your paper, I want you to write down, out of 100 percent, where are you currently, with being able to be friendly, compassionate, and clear, and firm? So, you could be, for example, really good at friendly and compassion. That's at 90. But, your clear and firm's at a ten percent. Or maybe, you're so good at being direct, but you're really scared to bring your heart. You're more of like a business robot. Or maybe then, your friendly and compassion's at 40 percent, and your clear and firm's at 90 percent. Or, maybe they're both at 50. So, I want you to just write, do the bar graph real quick, as to what the percentages are. Will someone share, where their bar graph is? Yeah, Ruben?
So, for friendly and compassionate, I've put about 85, and then clear, and for firm, about 50.
And knowing you, you're such a nice, I can just see it all over you. So, great. So, lean in, when we're coaching on this, going forward. Is there a certain area, of clear and firm, you know you need to grow in?
More so, on the firm side.
On the firm side, yeah. So, you have the clarity, but then, there's that, kinda hold back sometimes, like challenging people, really locking them in.
Great. Can we hear one more? Yes, Lauren?
On the opposite spectrum. I put clear and firm, 90, and then friendly and compassionate, 50. 'Cause, I feel like it depends on the situation for me, if my compassion is there, or not, which is something I definitely need to work on.
And what... What allows for your compassion, or what maybe prevents your compassion, in your experience?
If we talk conversations before about it, or if it's a known issue, and there hasn't been any change, that kinda stuff.
You're like, tick-tock!
Tick-tock! Right, so great. So, your patience is what you're gonna really need to supercharge, and understand that people need time, to shift habits. And this is a good point, I wanna say this to everyone. Remember, that the thing, that the person needs to grow, might be something they'd been having a problem with, since they were a child, and it could've gone back to a childhood experience. So, you're not asking people to just do something different. You're often asking people to change who they are, which can be the greatest gift, ever, if you could help them through it. But, just remember, you're not just like, they're not just like a little puzzle piece you get to flip. These are deeply-rooted survival strategies, that people have done, to protect themselves often, and you have to give them time and space, and support, to rewire, and reroute into a new habit. So, that's for everyone, is remembering, that this goes really deep. Even if you're not gonna go that deep with them, to know the root cause, we can always be in that compassion with someone, knowing there's a really deep-root cause, usually. People do things for a reason, even if the reason's a bad reason, there's a reason. Thank you, for sharing those. So, think about your own scores, and what you need to focus on. So... We're talking about eloquence here. That's what's gonna tie this together. So, how do we weave in more compassion, and patience in our conversation? Or, how do we find a way, to be really firm with people, without feeling like a jerk? That's eloquence. We're gonna aim for artful communication. And even if you miss, you still grow. You're not gonna do eloquence. It's kinda like a highfalutin word. It's kind of a scary word sometimes. I don't know. Just increase your eloquence. Don't worry about some max number to hit, or anything like that. Okay, so, skill or will? It's important, to think about whether the area of development, for the person you think is not working, is that a skill, or a will issue? There's a old story, about this, where a boy comes home, with a bad report card, and the mom says, what's going on here, with this report card? Is it ignorance, or apathy? And the boy says, I don't know, and I don't care, Mom! (group chuckling) So, it's like, someone doesn't know, or doesn't care, might be SOL. But if it's, okay, do they not just have the skill, or they don't have the will? Now, just because if it's will, doesn't mean that's bad. It just means, maybe, we gotta figure out why are they not motivated? Where is the resistance? Is it fear, is it disengagement? Do they not feel challenged enough? We really have to lean into that, to be able to know what it is. So, what I'd like you to do, is think of it, that real feedback situation, that you have, and write down, is it a skill, or a will issue? You might not know the answer. Take a guess, if you don't know. Even if you think you know, it's probably still somewhat of a guess, unless you've checked it. And I want you to write quickly, why do you think that? Just a bit of a point, I'm gonna have you share. But, the thing you need to get feedback on, on the other end, do you think, for them, it's a skill, or a will issue? Okay, does anyone have theirs they'd like to share, or willing to share? Yeah?
So, should I start with the actual feedback that I wanna give?
If you can share it, that'd be great.
Sure. So, there's a senior person on my team, who is super skilled, but I think he's not motivated enough, and sometimes, I feel like he's not giving his 100 percent, and he's super skilled, so I think it's definitely a will issue, and I think he's too comfortable, when he is, and he knows he's indispensable, because he's super skilled. So, it's very challenging giving him feedback, because he's vice senior. He's been with the company, for like seven years. I think that's it.
So, what's important first, that's great. Maybe not great for you, but great piece of feedback for us, to work with, that's great! Why is it important, to know whether that's skill or will, for that situation?
Just to know where he's coming from, and why he's not putting his 100 percent into his tasks.
So, how you give the feedback, or how you orient, is gonna be different. Totally. So, for you, what do you think you might need to do, in order to help him through this? Like, what is needed? What's gonna work, do you think?
Maybe give him something challenging, or give him something, maybe have a chat with him, to understand what really his interests are, and maybe give him a project, that really motivates, and interests him.
That's right. So, you don't really need to give him a lot of, you didn't do this, and you didn't do that. It's probably more, you could go in, and try to figure out, what's gonna spark him? What's that stretch for him? What does he care about? So, you might even do some of the things that we did in the first course, around values, knowing his identity. What does he care about, first, and then figure out, what do we have, that might fit into that, plus stretch him, and challenge him? What are his interests? So, we can give some of the feedback, but for someone like that, we might really wanna focus on the feed forward, of what can I do, to push him?
But, part of the thing, is I don't think he realizes, that he's not giving his 100 percent. So, he thinks that, yeah, I'm doing my job, I'm doing it fine. But, from my perspective, I'm like, you can do a lot better, and a lot more.
So, we're gonna talk about putting our intention into our opening. For you, you're gonna have to give that feedback, to wake him up, maybe a little cold water on the face. And part of your intention might be, hey, you're a rockstar, top performer. You're doing good right now. I think you can do great. Or, you're doing great, I think you can do outstanding. There's so much more in there, you're not even goin' for it. And so, that's a way of showing him, where you're coming from. Giving this feedback, I want you to be at rockstar status. That's different, than giving feedback to someone who's not performing at all. You're gonna have a totally different tone, look on your face, energy's gonna be completely different. Great.