So a big part of when we talk about goal setting both in our fitness world and in our life world is you know, self beliefs I love this by nathaniel brandon he's one of the leaders the thought leaders in self esteem and I sort of had this book for like twenty years so again you teach what you need to learn self concept is destiny what we think about ourselves whether we think we're going to be able to be successful in that fitness program whether we're going to be able to be deserving of going for that job whether we feel we're going to be empowered enoughto ask that girl out that guy out have the relationships of our dreams comes from a place called self esteem and they say he will say oftentimes that doubt kills more dreams then failure ever will think about that doubt will kill more dreams than failure ever well if I doubt myself it stops me from even be able to take that first step we're talking about your life here this's again you big galoot we talk about this morning strength tra...
ining for your life what makes you resilient when you lose a job the relationship ends you someone passes you have an illness in the family you have an illness you how are you gonna bounce back from that and whether you think you can bounce back or you think you can't bounce back you're right our reality composers of two comprise of two things what's out there and what's in here our interpretation of reality creates our belief you've heard that a lot about a person perceives the person believes on our mind doesn't like it when there's a difference between what's going on here and going out there so when you ask this morning what makes you happy I can tell him in my happy place ace when my mind and my heart are talking the same language when my mind moves into its fear based thinking which I have to bring back probably one hundred times a day sneak it all. Thank god I'm out of my happy place so is that difference between my internal dialogue on what's happening out there that my brain does not like watch your thoughts because they become words what your words because they become your actions what your actions because they become your habits what your habits because they become your character what's your character because it becomes your destiny by frank outlaw if there was ever a quote that I tried to live by, it is this who knew thatyour he was a wise man he knew way back then that your thoughts create your destiny and now we have research to prove it this is powerful stuff I get so excited about and I have to go back to my british roots because there was a piece of research don't very recently in nineteen ninety eight, the discovery of neuro plasticity came to fruition thie exciting discovery that the brain is plastic it fires and wires based on using it on what you think about new connections conform on the brain and adapt but depending on the external stimulus on the internal I want you to remember this your brain does not know the difference between what is a thought and what israel your brain does not know the difference so all those well thought you have your brain doesn't know whether it's coming from your thought process awesome that happened out there so what happened is in two thousand I don't know if you've ever I grew up in england, I've lost my accent completely used to talk about this right there love anybody could have found a way of saying so you're still not moving to happiness anymore you think I talk dad like common like and decker what you're talking about, but I can't not like america now and part of that I lost my accent because I was listening to the external feedback when I first started presenting I'll get comments like can't understand her what does she think she is likely make ridiculous things that I would take on? I don't think I changed my innate, you know, voice because of that, but it's certainly resided with me so what happened is you live in england in london the streets are crazy it's like trying to find your way without an agency map is impossible on what they found out is the hippocampus in taxi drivers woods grew after they were studying for that test but not the same for bus drivers who had the same route every time it actually grew in size because they had to memorize the part of the brain that usedto learning grew in size because if you know it's not like living in new york where you still there it's not like fourteen street over here eastside westside is like waterloo bridge next to like queen victoria I mean it's like crazy on another piece of fascinating research is a neurologist arne may from the unit one from amazing university twelve people were taught in there only twenty to learn how to juggle for three months over three months and they also had a control group that did not learn how to juggle on the part of the brain that's responsible for visual learning grew then to follow up two months later they stopped learning to juggle they stop juggling and guess what it's shrunk again so talk about our body use it or lose it talk about our thoughts use it all those it talked about a brain use it or lose it before we even get to goal setting that's like about our belief system at a judgment, those little snap judgments that happens so fast again thoughts are electric. Before we even know what's happening you we often miss the thoughts, and we go straight into the body often times for meat, shame or fear it's creed, because these little thoughts go on all the time. So it's the belief of ourselves before we set these goals. And again, it's not whether you achieve the goals of not it's recognised in the process of having these goals is an amazing thing. We also the beliefs matter your beliefs of yourself and the world. They affect your health, your relationships, your happiness and the outcomes when re raise our internal belief system and the report action behind those beliefs, amazing things can happen, but oftentimes it's that belief system that either stops us from even setting a goal or stops us from reaching our goal. We need to remember guys, there is no mistake or no coincidence. The most successful people are also the ones who have what the most failed nice job. You got a dvd way. Look att, you know, are you an optimistic or pessimistic goal center? Well, what does that mean if you're optimistic goal center, you set your goal based in reality, and you make it. You going to relish in that if you don't make it, you kind of re evaluate your goals and you start out again if you're a pessimistic goal set and you reach your goal, you discounted I was lucky, you know, it's kind of crazy. You've done all the hard work cell in and enjoy it. Yes, I had a thought about this slide. Um, we always admired my grandfather because he he kind of lived by the principal if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything at all and so I tried teo continue that it when? When possible, but I never applied it to myself that you said bingo it was giving go, we look outside of ourselves and we're gonna talk about that small gonna bring it up again I think we can't hear this enough hey, he was a very wise man on to be a lot more silence in this world if something is going on sometimes people but we talk about the golden rule trying messes that the golden rule is treat others as we would like to be treated right platinum rule treat others as they want to be treated what sweet spot for you is different to you to you, to you here's the diamond rule, treat yourself as you would treat others think about it, treat yourself this is what I want to talk about these thoughts these ruminating thoughts thatjust happened and here's the thing we're all perfectly human it's not this is not a judgment it's just a statement of fact that it's human nature to go over to that negativity bias but what hurts us in our drop and our job our dreams, our relationship a collie of this very moment is that how we talk to ourselves? Thank you for bringing that up you know optimists work the loop we keep working and working and working and we raise a life to our beliefs we don't lower our life to our beliefs we raise the life the least what a difference so this is um really how we can learn to fail or failed to learn that this is a look off based on perfectionism um how we often pursue unrelenting standards and we wander we beat ourselves up when we don't make it you think of the standards that you set for yourself a hole in your work you know in relationships with yourself and what happens whether you make it if we make the standards we decide that the original standards were not demanding enough we reset higher standards and then if they perfectionist doesn't doesn't make it they self criticize I'm worthless I'm useless time and we over generalize that maybe we maybe we didn't not even fail may we didn't succeed in one area and then we magnify that until I am worthless I have a typo in an email I am worthless you know it can't exact crazy sometimes I get like that or I send out an email blast a lycan focuses not one word when all like the other three hundred words have beautiful message into them at that typo is if the eye before the gonna think I'm so stupid boom on an appropriate standards and we have constraints called life you know we set goals and there's something called life can get in the way so just because you don't always meet your goals doesn't mean you're a lier it means that maybe we try we need to re evaluate with what's going on in my life right now what goals I need to set for myself and then if we do way if we do reach our goals we feel great and then if we don't meet our goals I'm going to go well you know I got kind of busy right now my kids got sick and I'm running this part of my job will be crazy so let me re evaluate what my goal is right now let me just backtrack a little bit and make a different gold with no judgment on south but we set ourselves up into his black and white thinking all or nothing thinking we set ourselves up for such a you know a challenging times life is challenging enough what we believe about ourselves can really make the difference between whether we cope or avoid, and the only way you grow stronger is by coping your self esteem does not grow through avoidance. I used to have such chronic anxiety I used to try and push it away and it's the day I made friends with my anxiety, didn't we shake hands or buy that for a cup of coffee? But I made friends of it, and I realized that it didn't make me a good or a bad person. It was just part of all of me, you know, my shiny side and my shadow side and realise that that didn't make me last man changed everything our believes in our expectations create motivation and consistency, if positive, all they can debilitating us into procrastination and it's, not just our performance it's more thie interpretation off our performance, we want to make sure interpretation leads to an upward spiral the fact that you didn't make it the fact that that picture wasn't perfect, the fact that that item on s he didn't fell in the way that you thought it would we just reevaluate we've become such an all or nothing industry, this loop is based on kula self perception theory, meaning how we view ourselves is really how we view others, so if I allow myself to come through this and I fail I see I look at others when they fail, I don't go, they're worthless person. I go good for you for trying and those small mistakes that we make along the way, they actually up a sense of self efficacy and self esteem we up our own belief system. No one could do that for us. We're the only person in our life that khun up our only we can have help you have people empowering us, you're the only person responsible for that is our thoughts, and we are the keeper of those thoughts. The higher the stakes, the more failures. But guess what the more resilient you become. And again, like I said before, if you're never anxious or nervous or scared, you're not seven mistakes high enough, you're not allowing your own potential to fully blossom and small victories also help us put a small failures into perspective. Failures to me are trying. The more you try, the more you fail to guess what the more you try, the more you're succeed on my definition of failure has changed. My definition of failure to me right now is if I don't try. The last thing I want to do in my life is to go, what if yes? He had this comment come in from happy face someone she says, does petra have any suggestions on overcoming this self doubt or boosting that self confidence and that's really what we're going to be talking about for this the entire two days? But it got me thinking and I was kind of wondering what what do you have to say for those of us who want to stay positive in our interpretations of ourselves? But we also want to keep a true, accurate assessment of who we are, how we're doing so we don't get lost over and oh, I'm perfect that's great and you are perfect, by the way, perfectly in perfect. So the thing is to know that positive psychology is group grounded in reality and self esteem is grounded in reality, true self esteem, a strong sense of self is not oh, you don't look in the mirror one day and kiss yourself go! I'm beautiful that's like actually ego and to me ego is edging gratitude out, so we're going to talk a lot about this tomorrow, but with that it's for me, what two things that flip the switch right away is gratitude, just moving from finding something that to be grateful for in that situation and being of service the minute I stopped the eye and it becomes about the others. It will stop you from going into the eagle place, and sometimes we need we will talk about that. There's a big difference between ego and self esteem, self esteem, a bad rap. People think that self esteem is ego. Oftentimes the people of the biggest egos have the least what? Self esteem? Quiet, secure, unwavering self esteem is powerful in its quietness. So does that answer in a little bit. Okay, thank you. So again on in your book on page three there's a list of the top five belief and for me, often times where do these beliefs come from? The self we call them self limiting beliefs. Is that your story? Or is it someone else's story? So for seven years, I suffered from anxiety really the belief that I wasn't good enough voice come from so many times, I thought that's who I am if I really sit with it without ruminating and I'm not rooming indigo woe is me and I just don't understand this. Tired of being anxious all the time. I'm tired of saying no to things, my life's becoming smaller. I'm tired. So what triggered this and your self esteem and your beliefs come from other voices, voices of teachers most and your first level of self esteem is grounded when you're growing up and that has to be strong before you build on the other layers it's kind of like a building a house you can't just pop on the roof in the shiny bits you gotta do the hard work and what I realized wass without throwing anyone under the bus I was a dancer and for my formative years between, like fourteen, seventy, eighteen the words I heard were you're not good enough you'll never make it. Who do you think you are? I have my hair permed very far forces at the time I was like all permanent hearings and I was really excited and I was gonna have my head down. It was christmas I was seventeen. I got the look going off the banks. I came into these role models and they told me I looked like a tart, which in us means I look cheap. These are beliefs I took on azriel. I downplayed how I looked for many years because of that and for many years when I was up on stage, those voices and it's not until I realized that just voices do I choose to take them on and live my life from their story. I always say who's writing the story of your life make sure it's not a ghost writer and make sure it's a best seller and non fiction and you are the author