Hacking Your Own Body Language


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Lesson Info

Hacking Your Own Body Language

We're talking about hacking your own body language. This is one of my favorite things, and it's called embodied cognition. I talked about, a little bit before, in the previous segment, but embodied cognition is basically this phenomenon that when you are in an emotional state mentally, then that will translate through your body, subconsciously through your body language. But what is amazing, is that your body language can play a role in that conversation as well. Your body can influence your mind. So, if you need to fake it til you make it, as we mentioned before, that actually does work. A few things to help you with a good, solid baseline of confident body language is, you want to have a solid stance, which means that feet, the weight evenly distributed on your feet, hip to shoulder width apart, just depending on what's comfortable for you in your own skeletal structure, and imagining your vertebrae stacking one on top of the other, rather than any of this, or any of this, or any of ...

this. All of those things send different types of signals. For the actors out in the world, this is very close to Alexandrian Technique, so if you have been trained in that, hello, now you actually get to put that theater study to work. Shoulders down. Any time that we are stressed, we will subconsciously start to turtle ourselves, so you need to get that turtle out. Other things are try to always keep your chest, your ventral side forward to the person. If you notice, throughout the time, when any of you ask me a question, I will actually square up to you, even though I'm a good distance away from you, and I'm up here, I still square up to the person that I'm talking to. If you are in a conversation with multiple people, that won't work as well. If you have two people here, and somebody asks you a question, you don't wanna ... That's not gonna work, so you need to cheat out to keep everybody engaged. Some of the best hosts and hostesses, in the socialite world, are very skilled at that. At communicating with their body language of being approachable and creating connections with others. They bring others into the fold, by opening that door. By consciously, instead of closing off, in that circle with their feet, they'll actually open their feet and open their chest, and let their front be exposed, so to speak. Because body language all comes from the primal part of us, and so this is our soft underbelly, so anytime we are uncomfortable, we protect. Any time we're comfortable, we display. Basically, that's what you need to know about body language. That's if you understand the basics, that body language stems for our survival, it becomes so much easier. So what would somebody who is confident look like? Well, they would feel like there is no threat. So I can stand shoulders back, and be exposed. But if I feel like I'm under threat, then I become smaller and I don't wanna be seen. Right? Ways to hack your body language. One of the most famous studies, recently, in the world of body language was shared on the TED stage from Amy Cuddy. If you haven't seen it, it's a great keynote that she delivered. But basically what that studied showed, is that when you stand, in what is considered to be a power pose, however you like that to be. Whether you wanna be superwoman for a little bit, or pretend like you just won the Olympics, or whatever it is, standing in a power pose of some sort for two to five minutes, two will do, but if you really need the help, go ahead and go for five, it actually effects your hormones. This is what embodied cognition is all about. That if you stand in the power pose for two to five minutes, your testosterone, your power hormone goes up, your cortisol, your stress hormone, goes down. You are less stressed when you take on the powerful position. Hence, fake it til you make it. Therefore, if you are nervous, and allow all of that to leak through your body language, then you are skyrocketing your cortisol even more, and you're making your testosterone go down lower. Taking that conscious check in that you mentioned, is critical. What other questions do you have about body language? What ideas come to mind? There are so many ways to go with it, I just wanna check in with, online and here in the studio, of what if this, what if that. What about these scenarios? Yeah. Well, I was just thinking about how you were talking about the host and they're in a group, they'll sort of have the open body language. I guess, that's where it's important to look at the big picture, as you were saying, no just one thing, because you can be talking to the host, and notice if their legs, or their feet, are open, and think that they're not necessarily wanting to engage with you. But if you know that they're the host, and they're wanting to make sure that everyone's inclusive, but you don't necessarily need to take that -- As a slight. Cue. Right, exactly. Yeah, so there's the levels of body language are gesture, clusters, relationship, and then dynamic. Dynamic is the everything else that's happening around you. They're dynamic with the temperature in the room, if it's really cold. People say, well, isn't it bad if they're like this? I'm like, I don't know, how cold is it in the room? That's a sign of something else is going on. Like you said, broadening your scope. That really is kind of the, I feel like that's the Sherlock Holmes way of approaching these observations. Is you start small, and then you incrementally work your way out, and then develop all of your theories and hypotheses, and then see how you can test to make sure that they're true, just like I did with the guy, and everybody's feet were pointing towards him. I wasn't just gonna walk away and feel like, I know that that's the most important person in the room. I'm not that much of an egotist. Instead, I subtly asked around, who is that guy? And then I got confirmation. That's one thing that will help you against a phenomenon of confirmation bias. That's something that happens in the world of profiling and body language. People feel like they read a book, and then they just start reading people, but they never confirm it. And then they interact with the person based on their own theories and hypotheses, assuming that they were correct in the first place. If I had the woman at the airport, if she was just shaking, I could've just assumed she's not aware of her surroundings, and she's been very rude, and how dare she, but instead, I wanted to confirm this theory of maybe something else is going on. I will say that is a skill of an influencer, is being able to figure things out, but then avoiding confirmation bias, by getting, finding ways to make sure that you're right, instead of jumping from your own judgment conclusion. Yes. I noticed that, it seems to me, that a lot of women stand, maybe with one foot in front of them, sort of turned out. So are you really looking at their planted foot, the one that's behind, the way that's pointed? Yes. If it's like what I'm doing right now, then what this actually shows is, because I'm ... There's two levels to this. I am off balance, which somebody might read as potential nervousness, but because I'm grounded in the off balanceness, this actually shows great comfort. If I consciously put myself off balance, it means that I know, I feel comfortable enough, that you're not gonna push me over. If I feel not confident, then I might, (grunts) ground in a little bit deeper, because then I'll feel under threat. The other part, with women in particular in heels, is that is a dynamic of their body language. Sometimes if women are shifting in their feet, it's because they hurt. That needs to be factored in as well. Also sitting. Sitting can tell you certain things. People often ask me, okay, reading the legs and reading the body language while standing, that's all well and good, but what about when people are sitting? That question just came up instantly, as soon as you said it, reading the body language of the online community, I don't know how you do it. Go ahead, sorry to interrupt. All right, so body language while sitting. We'll talk about this under norming insignificant shifts, which is coming up next. Things that you can tell is their proximity to you. Are they leaning towards you? Are they in the middle, or are they leaning away from you? Or are they shifting in their chairs. Another thing, a lot of the ... We'll talk about this in a little bit, but the fidgety feet. You need to discern is this a normal for them, or is this showing stress and anxiety? One way you can tell if somebody is fidgeting their feet without seeing if they're fidgeting their feet, is ... There's a few ways. You can sometimes feel it in the desk or the chair near you, so you can sense that movement. Another is, when they move their leg, then their shirt bunches up and goes up and down, so that's a very subtle way that you can pick up on that cue, by seeing that movement. Tips for body language while sitting. This comes from the world of trial attorneys, and how they coach witnesses. How witnesses can be more effective on the stand. Obviously, squaring off, because this is what people see. Being open, not closing off. Perhaps the most key of this, is to make sure your hands are seen. Don't put your hands in your lap, don't hide your hands, because subconsciously, when we cannot see somebody's hands, we think that they cannot be trusted. That they are hiding something. Witnesses are coached to keep their hands above the stand and seen and gestured while they're on the stand, because that way, it demonstrates more trustworthiness. The jury believes them more, rather than if they can't see their hands. For those in the video world as well, if you notice my YouTube videos, or anything that I do, I make sure that the shot is where I gesture normally. If it's not, then I still make sure, if I get a close shot, I will still try to get my hands in there as long as it's not crazy. (laughing) But I make sure that my hands are still seen in the video, because it demonstrates the trustworthiness. It also adds a little bit of illustrative value to it, because your hands are painting the pic ... Especially mine, are painting the picture of what you're talking about. Another thing with the hands, as we are at CreativeLive, and there's a lot of photographers, is that when the hands are seen in the shot, the person is perceived to be, again, more trustworthy, more open, more interesting. If you notice a lot of my head shots, I actually have my hand in the picture. A power pose, as well, is when you're listening, to have your hand rested like this, touching your face in some way. Obviously, not bored, but in some way, this is a strong power pose to have. I didn't even -- I always thought that that was really bad manners on my part. No, not necessarily. Again, it depends if you're sending other signals along with it. If you're covering your mouth, then that's different. I'm really interested, I find myself doing that. That's great, that's great. Especially if you lean in, just as you subconsciously did, it shows interest. Yeah. If you are getting some sort of signal from the other person that they're off put in some way, then you might need to adjust. But if not, then go for it. Yes. I hope I'm not jumping forward. You're fine. But you notice these things with body language, right? If you notice somebody moving their feet out, or becoming more and more uncomfortable, Yes. How do you counteract that? Yes. What's the response to help put them better at ease? Beautiful. So let's go move forward in the presentation, 'cause that's exactly where we're going. Okay. The first thing that we need to talk about when reading body language is, you need to norm the person. This is also referred to as the baseline of the person. This is when you scan them, from whichever perspective works best for you. I like to go from the feet up, and there's certain key things that I look for. Basically, what the norming is, is this is their normal behavior, and anything that goes outside of that zone, tells me something just happened. That's what I call a significant shift. Either you said the wrong thing, you did the wrong thing, or you did the right thing, and they're really engaged. Whatever deviates from that baseline. Now, people do have different baselines in different situations. How I act right here on stage is one of my baselines, versus how I act when I'm in my yoga pants in my apartment with my dog, that's a different baseline. If you are interacting with people in a lot of different situations, if you work with them at work, and then you go to the bar. If you ever notice, you see a whole different person, when you go with somebody and just grab a drink. You have a different baseline. But that's still interesting to compare and contrast, because if they're really comfortable at the bar, then you now know the baseline for comfort for this person. So then, when you're influencing them, you are looking for those comfort signs, rather than defensive signs you might see at work. There are multiple baselines that you can look for within people and do a little compare and contrast. Here are the components I look for. Obviously, scanning from feet to head, as I mentioned before. The next thing I look for is movement. Are they fidgety, moving people, or are they very still? Myself, I am very still. Either, consciously I've developed that over time, I know that that was something I would be chastised for at home, from my father. He just was like, stop moving so much. I think that that kind of played a role as well. Personally, I am a very still person. Some people are very fidgety as their baseline. The next thing that I look for is proximity. Is somebody very close to you, or are they far away? In sitting, that still can be a role. Is that they lean in, or they lean away. What is their space bubble that they start off with? One way to test that, is when you shake hands with somebody, if you lean in, and they don't move, then they have a small space bubble. If you lean in when you shake hands, and they step back, then that is their distance point. Within three seconds, you know how to engage with this person. The next one is eye contact. Some people are really great at making strong eye contact. Others, they have to move their eyes around, to get the information that they're trying to share. Again, that's not good or bad, that's just their baseline. This is their starting point. Dominance level. So dominance generally means taking up space. There's a few ways I look at dominance. One, they take up the territory, they take up the space, they have big gestures. They stand with ... The artists in the room will appreciate this. I look at it as positive and negative space. Not good or bad, but, I'm taking up a lot of positive space right now. I'm completely filled in, there are no gaps. But if there's a lot of negative space. Negative space, negative space, negative space. Then I am more dominant. I'm taking up more territory here. How dominant are they? Next, is open or closed. Are they open up to you, or are they angled away and closed off? Facial expressions. Are they smiling? Are they kind of deadpan? What's the norm for them? Also, noises. This plays more towards the auditory people, so some people will tap, they'll kind of ... Especially when they make a point, they really, (taps) make the point (taps), when they're trying to tell you something. I hope I didn't break that. Another one, this is more subtle, but once you start to see it, it opens so many doors, and this is tension. Tension also plays a role in breath. I'm not going to delve deep into this, just simply because we don't have time to go over all of these nuances. When people are, some people's baseline is very tense. They just hold a lot of tension. Men, in particular. They hold a lot of tension in the chest and shoulders. They come in just like a brick wall, sometimes, and that is that person's baseline for that moment. Some people are very relaxed and cool. Just hanging out, so they have less tension in their bodies. Notice how, even subconsciously, I go into a different role, just by changing that, then the voice changes. That's what happens. Their voice is affected by the tension, because that affects the breath, how much air you can take in and exhale, and then, the breath is what fuels the voice. There's all of these things intertwined just marvelously. The next area is the paralinguistic. Which is a term that means your speech, but not the words. So everything that's shading your speech. Paralinguistic means the speed, the volume, the percussiveness, sometimes people are just very this is what I'm trying to tell you. A lot of people from New York have this percussiveness to their tone, versus in L.A., where I live, it's just more of, you know, did I tell you all these about the story, and everything connects really nicely. Percussiveness range of how they speak, as well as their tone. Right now, I'm speaking with a fairly full toned voice, it's supported by my breath. Some people are much more airy, and they cut from the vibrations in their voice. They add more air to it. So that's their baseline. Word choice. For that, specifically, I look towards do they use short, simple words? Do these use a lot of words with a lot of syllables in them, that are more high-brow, intelligent ways of speaking? Are they illustrative? Are they to the point? We'll delve more into that when we talk about profiling. As well as the pauses. So, some people need to take a lot of time to think things through, and they pause before they speak. That leans more towards introverted in other parts of profiling. Some people jump in right away, and use a lot more words, and speak a lot faster. And then, acknowledgement filters. Acknowledgement filters are the yeah! Yeah. Hm. Yeah, I know. Those are that they are acknowledging that you hear them. Just to give you insights as to what we will talk about later on, is with, specifically, acknowledgement filters, is, if they use a lot of acknowledgement filters, that is their subconscious way of saying you have been heard, I have heard you, I get it. Then, what happens when they speak, and you don't use acknowledgement filters, and you're silent? For you, that may be a sign of respect, that I am listening, and I'm not jumping in. But for them, they're not getting the acknowledgement that they need along the way. So this is one way that we will talk about mirroring later on, during the connect part of our session. I want to give you a little bit of insight as to, these are the things that we're looking for, and then we connect these pieces, as we go throughout. This is the baseline. Then, what we look for. We talked about clusters already, so I'm just going to go ahead and skip that. What we're going to look for is the significant shifts from that baseline. Once you have figured out, okay, this person is still, talks in a full voice, pauses before she speaks, what else? Makes strong eye contact, dominant, and leaning towards me. That's the baseline. Great. What happens when that person deviates? So she's still talking in a full tone, fairly dominant, but all of a sudden, she's leaning back in her chair and turning away. The question is what caused that? What caused this seemingly negative response, within this conversation? Is it that I said something that she didn't like? Or, is it that I hit on a trigger unknowingly? That maybe I brought up a word or phrase or idea that connects to a past experience that she had with somebody. One great example, and I'm gonna put the list up here again, just so you can consider the significant shifts. One great example is, I was selling a package, a coaching package, to a woman. We just had great rapport, we had great rapport, all of this is working out. I said something, I think the word was, like collaboratively customized, something along those lines. That's when I got the signal. She leaned back and she turned away. Now generally, that's a selling point for me. In my coaching services, people like that we work together, it's not cookie cutter thing. That I do the same thing with you that I do with everything else, but I got a negative response from her. It was a significant shift in the conversation. What most people do when that happens, people have not been trained in influence, is they might notice it, but they bulldoze through with their original plan, 'cause they don't know any better. They're just like, this is the plan, this is what I'm going to go for. But instead, and I highly recommend that you use this technique as well, is call it out. Just call it out. If you notice it, call it out, and say, as I did with her, "I feel like something didn't quite resonate with you." "Can you tell me what happened?" Or, "I feel like I hit something that didn't" "feel right for you, can you tell me" "what I might be sensing here?" With her, what it was, turned out to be, again, beautifully, it had nothing to do with me. But if I didn't call it out, I wouldn't have known that. What she said was in her past experience with a previous coach, something that seemed to be more collaborative, and that person pitched it the same way, but the coaching was very willy nilly, like there was no structure, and they didn't talk as often as she thought, and she didn't know how to navigate through the coaching process, 'cause there wasn't set times. She took my phrase, collaborative customization, to mean, we just make it up as we go. Because I called it out, it presented me with an opportunity to deal with that internal objection. Her body language told me that something wasn't right, but she either didn't feel confident enough, or didn't have the rapport with me yet, to say, "I don't necessarily like that." Because I called it out, then our rapport was stronger. Because I was able to speak to what she was thinking, without her openly bringing it up to me. That's the beauty of these significant shifts. For a moment, I want us to think about what does it tell us when something ... So, if somebody speaks with a lot of volume, they're loud. What happens when all of sudden, after you ask 'em a question, they go, "Well, you know I don't know about that." "I'll have to think about that." What does that shift potentially tell you about what just happened? Yes. (woman talking) Go ahead. I was just gonna say that, that subject is really charged by that, would be my thought. That something charged -- That subject is very charged for them. Okay, like there's an emotional something? Is that what charged means? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I would tend to agree. That something, it seems like much more of an emotional shift. Especially, of course, it's hard to do the shift, without adding even more color, 'cause if you notice, my eyes also went down. I also leaned back. I'm playing it in my head right now. So I also colored it, without meaning to. But what if somebody starts off with a norm of being kinda quiet, and then as the conversation goes, they get louder? What does that tell you about it? Engaged. Excited? They may start to feel more comfortable with you, the the rapport -- They're opening up. Is building, exactly. What happens when they start off quiet, and they start to get louder, but then you stay in quiet? Then you're indifferent. You show that you're indifferent. Indifferent? Okay, yeah, you're mismatched. You're mismatched in that moment. When they start to feel comfortable, and you still stay in quiet, then they, subconsciously, are reading, oh, this isn't a reciprocal rapport. Oh, okay, then I'll chill out, sorry. Yes. We had a question that just came in from Willow Belden, and they wanna know, how do you know if a person's body language is the norm, versus a significant shift. For instance, when you just meet them, at one of these networking events. Sometimes, you may just get someone who's having a bad day. How can you look for those things, when you're first meeting someone? Right. So, when you're first meeting somebody, then this is the baseline for them in that moment. You just have to take it at face value, for what it is. Then, in conversation, if you are getting some agitated signs, then you can explore that further, if you think that that's suitable for the situation. When you first meet somebody, there will likely be shifts along the way, as the conversation continues, and as rapport builds. Those are still significant shifts, throughout the conversation. That is one beautiful and important point is, if you are having multiple interactions with somebody, if you start off with, you just met this person, then figure out the baseline. You want them to become a client, or a friend, or whatever it is later on. Build up the skill to walk in without judgment, for those first few interactions. Still keep up the mechanism, still keep it working, because trust me, you have not learned this person's life story after 30 minutes at a networking event. There is still more to learn. How they are in the networking event may be different than how they are in the coffee shop. All of this boils down to observe without judgment. Many people observe, but they latch on their own judgments, based on their upbringing, based on their culture, based on the stories of their past. That's, again, one kind of beautiful and touching lesson I did not expect from this world of influence, is that it actually helps you foster stronger connections, more connections, because you're not coming in with all of these judgments. Because you are curious. You are in a curious mindset. A recent study, hasn't been peer reviewed yet, but a recent study has shown, potentially, that when you are curious, it actually fosters your memory. So you remember more from an event, when you are in a curious mindset, which might help with remembering names, and those influential vibes, and all those things that we're going to talk about. Yes. We have these speech cues. Yes. Other than knowing those, is there anything specific about the phone, any tips you have? You're reading the minds of the online audience as well. Oh my God, yeah. We had a question about that, as well, from somebody who has a high-pitched voice on the phone, saying, "Over the phone, one's impression of me" "is very different from what they see," "when they actually meet me in person." Right. So any advice for these people? Absolutely. I'll talk about, first about observing people on the phone. It's interesting, because quite a few studies have shown that we're actually able to pick up on deception better over the phone, rather than in person. For whatever reasons, that's still kind of being figured out, but tests have shown that we can spot deception just over the phone. Take that for what you will. The first tip that I always give, 'cause I work with sales teams, who do a lot of work on the phone, and that's one of the first questions. I'm limited, I don't have body language. I'm limited in what I can pick up on. My reply is, what are you doing while you're on the call? And there's a pause. They say, "Well." I say, "Go ahead and tell me." They're like, "Well, I'm checking email," "and I'm replying, and I'm having a side" "miming conversation with somebody about to" "grab me this thing or that." People choose to be highly distracted while they're on the phone. It's not that the signals are not there, they are, it's just people don't choose to be in an observational mind while on the phone. My first recommendation is, get rid of distractions. If you see me on the phone, talking with somebody, I am likely standing and moving around, if I'm kind of nervous about this, 'cause I'm pitching something. So I'm kind of standing and moving around, 'cause I'm also kinesthetic, which we'll talk about later, and that helps me. But also, when they speak, I stop, and I actually close my eyes. I focus solely on this, on what they are saying, and I pick up on those significant shifts. On the phone, things that you can pick up on. Obviously, speed and volume. And then, the pauses beforehand, if you ask a question, or bring up something and they delay longer than usual in a reply, that's a significant shift. You still absolutely can call it out. Say, "Oh, I feel like that didn't really hit home with you." "What am I missing?" And notice the presumptiveness of that question. That's an influential technique right there. Is I am presuming, I am owning up to the fact that something didn't hit home, and I'm confident enough to hear your objection, or whatever it is. Rather than, "Does that sound good to you?" Because that leads to a social script of, "Yeah," and that's not truth. That's lip service. Everybody pick up on that one? 'Cause that one's not in the slides. That one was just bonus. (laughs) For the person who says they have a high-pitched voice, and what is she saying that -- Well, she said high-pitched voice, and it also makes her sound very young, when she's on the phone. Okay. I would be curious, if there were other things that back up the young sensation. Like if she's using a lot of ums and ahs. If she's, this is my idea of what young means. If she's adding nervous kinda giggle affirmations. Like, "Oh yeah, I know what you mean." That kind of leads towards a youngness. Other things might be, also, a high-pitched voice with an airiness quality, can send that young sensation. You might wanna add more full tone to your voice. I don't wanna say change your voice, 'cause first of all, I haven't heard your voice, and changing your voice is a presumptive thing that a lot of people will say. I know one phenomenal speaker, her name is Neen James, she's a phenomenal speaker, she's from Australia. She's ... Believe it or not, she's shorter than me. She's this cute little sweetheart, and she speaks with an Australian accent, and her voice is like this. You cannot believe that she makes money from speaking, but she does, and she makes a lot of money from speaking. She is skilled, so I don't want you to assume that just because your voice is in a different register, that that is going to impede you. I would just make sure that the rest of the full picture is mature, confident, professional, whatever it is that you're wanting to convey. Any other questions? Yes. I'm thinking about the sensation of a person being young on the phone. Is a lot of feeling words, like, you know what I mean? Sure, so, yeah. In the conversation, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Explaining something, but being short of the words for explanation. Feeling like, you know what I mean? Right. Yeah, so a lot of those. It's a kind of asking for assurance or validation, and if you do that too often, then that communicates that you are not confident, that you are not sure. It gives the sense of immaturity. Yes, absolutely. I do, on calls and in workshops like this, one of my go-to phrases is, "Does that make sense?" Make sense? 'Cause I am teaching, so I do wanna make sure that that I do check in and say, "Does that make sense?" I did notice, like about a year ago, I was like, man, I'm saying that a whole lot. It was diminishing my overall presence and message. I don't wanna say that you don't wanna check in with people, that still is valid. You just don't wanna do it after every sentence, and it become a default loop that you're on. Very good point, very good point. Just wanna bring our attention to the influential map. In the next segment, we're going to delve into that. We've talked about the influential intention, we've talked about what to look for, and the next thing we're going to talk about is the VAK, what to listen for. This comes from the world of neurolinguistic programming. Don't get scared. It's just a big name, it's not that scary of a thing. We'll talk about something that you can learn from that, and then what to listen for, in the next segment. I already know a few people I'm gonna be pickin' on here in the studio about it, so it's gonna be great. (laughing) All right. We have a few questions here that came in. Megan wants to know, "If you are intimidated by someone," "what are some tips on how to hold your body" "to come off as more confident" "than you're actually feeling?" Absolutely, square off to them. Square off. And it doesn't have to be ... So be careful of squaring off and leaning in. So one thing, this is a woman? Yes? Sounds like it, Megan, yeah. Okay. Yes. So square off to them, shoulders back and relaxed. One thing that people are often surprised by. This is how I view confidence. Confidence is a stillness. It's almost like you're a blank slate. Especially if you are in the observational mode, the less, and this comes from, what I've learned from interrogators, both police detectives and military intelligence. You don't want to be sending off a lot of signals, because that influences their reaction to you. So you actually want to be a fairly blank slate, to be in a heightened observational mode. If you have too much movement, or if you're, you know, yeah, yeah, and if you're looking around a lot, these are all signals that they can pick up on, and play off of subconsciously. So if you are wanting to connect with this person, be still and present with them. Squaring off, shoulders back, arms down, you can cross in front. If you are small like me and wanna take up space, feel free to do one of these type of poses. Yeah. And breathe. And breathe. 'Cause any time you feel that tension, any time you feel that stress, you start to tense up, you start to get these more shallow breaths, which leads to more of that anxiety. Any time you feel that nervousness, tap into a deep breath. Not a sigh. Don't go (sighs). But a silent, comfortable, full deep breath. Okay. Now a question, this is from Jason Spencer, we have a few other people voting on the question as well. They'd like to know, "What if your mark" "is a group of people rather than just one person," "such as when you're on stage, as you are now," "presenting to a group of say, 50 or 100 people in a room." "How do you generalize that profile?" "Are you able to take a survey of the body language," "and move on from there?" All right. So, I wouldn't necessarily go off of body language, when it comes to viewing them as a mark, in that moment. I would want to more focus on the prep leading up to the presentation. Things that I ask, there's 10 questions I go through before asking a presentation, and my top ones are, what are they proud of? So if this is an organization, what does the group think of the organization? What are they proud of? Did they hit their sales last year? Did they win some sort of award? Are they super proud of their product? What generates the positive state within this group think? Next is, what are there objections, potentially, to the material and or you? So if you are an outsider, and you are perceived to be an outsider, then you need to come in with some sort of way to deflate that concern, or those objections that they may not even vocalize, but you have to put yourself in their shoes. For example, one thing that I get, I got one of my best testimonials ever from this. Was I went into a corporate sales training meeting, and the testimonial afterwards read, "You would not have met a more skeptical person than me" "in the room, when I heard that we were bringing in" "a communications specialist," "but I was sold after five minutes," "after Shari had spoke." My way of overcoming this objection that I didn't even know was simply, I provide value. This isn't gonna be a fluff thing, which some, generally men, think it's going to be, they think it's gonna be a more touchy feely, and I just give tactic, tactic, tactic. So what are their objections to you? And then, what will they get out of your presentation? So what problem are you solving? And then to get them engaged, tell them that at the beginning. First of all, you need to know their problem. Describe their problem, so give them the pain. Then, give them the sense of the solution that you're bringing to it. By the end of this presentation, you will feel, you will know, you will ... And that hints to the influential intention questions, how will they feel, how will they act, how will they think, what will they do? Act, do, say, think. Yeah. Great. All right, well we'll wrap up on this last question. With Jayoza and two other people voting on this one. They wanna know, "How do you pay attention to all of this" "in real time?" "It seems like you have to do hyper multitasking" "to pick up on all these cues." They know that this is something that they're gonna learn throughout this course, so people get better at this, but any tips on how you can be aware of all this? Right, absolutely. It's a common question that I get. Keep in mind that I am giving you a skill set. This is not a skill, this is a set of skills put together. For you to develop this awareness, you start with one. Today, I'm going to pay attention to body language. Today, I'm going to pay attention and be on the lookout for the cues that we're going to talk about. Today, I'm going to look for vibes. Today, I'm going to look for ... And give yourself those personal little missions. Over time, then instead of, I kind of view it as, who's the artist that created the paintings with the little dots? And then, when you back away. As far as influence goes, is that you start with, I'm starting with this little dot, and then this little dot, and then over time, you can back away and see the full picture a lot quicker and easier. That's one of the reasons why I created the ebook that I mentioned before that I love, is the 52 Missions. Is because it gives you those specific things to look for once a week. So you have a weekly mission of, seven days, I'm going to focus on this. Seven days, I'm going to try this out. It's also one of the reasons why I wanted to do three days with CreativeLive, is because, there are building blocks to this, it's not just an all in one deal. But know that, just as it took you time to learn to tie your shoe, and each step of the way of that, now you do it in five seconds, it does become more like second nature. You just turn it on, or you turn it off.

Class Description

Learn the art and science of influence from Sharí Alexander. In Build Your Influence, Build Your Business, you’ll learn observation and communication techniques that will make you more persuasive and influential, in work and in life.

Influence is not coercion or manipulation – it is skillful communication that conveys ideas and elicits action in the most effective way possible. In this class, you’ll learn conversational persuasive techniques that forge strong business connections that are essential for persuasive communication. Sharí will help you develop effective ways to assert your authority and ensure you are heard and understood without losing the admiration and respect of your listeners. You’ll learn eye opening observational techniques that will help you decode influential signals that you have missed in the past. Then, she will walk you through the essential influential process that will help you close more deals, motivate groups, and build stronger relationships. Sharí will also help you hone your observation skills and more accurately read and assess others.

Watch Build Your Influence, Build Your Business and forever change the way you communicate.


Stephanie Platero

The course is really great! Shari does an excellent job expressing some of the complexities by providing examples. Super knowledgeable, articulate and her presentation is very interesting. If you are using the Creative live "live, on air" while watching this, the ads for creative live are really distracting. I used to watch a lot of the courses by RSVPing and investing my time to watch the presenters in its entirety (the benefit of RSVP'ing and being a user) but the ads have gotten worse and actually skip to various parts of the presentation and you lose out on some of the content. I assume this is to encourage buying the course but makes it so difficult to follow and be engaged.