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Build Your Influence, Build Your Business

Lesson 8 of 27

Influential VIBES with Your Mark

Shari Alexander

Build Your Influence, Build Your Business

Shari Alexander

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Lesson Info

8. Influential VIBES with Your Mark

Lesson Info

Influential VIBES with Your Mark

Now we're moving in to influential VIBES, how to pick up the influential VIBES from your mark. And so, after we go through influential VIBES a little heads-up to in studio as well as online, I want you to start thinking about your mark. If you can figure out if your mark is visual, auditory, kinesthetic, what types of VIBES you can pick up from them, and then we might be able to workshop how you can best influence that particular mark. So I really want to keep giving you the elements and steps along the way, but then also taking a moment to make sure everything is cohesive for your specific plan as we build it out in the field guide that you can download. So influential VIBES, again this is an acronym for values, identifiers, beliefs, emotions, and stories. And we will go through each of those, and delve further and explain them. The influential VIBES basically comes from a number of things, but how I like best to think of the influential VIBES is a wonderful quote from Maya Angelou th...

at says, "When people tell you "who they are, believe them." And so often our marks, the people that we interact with, tell us who they are, and it is falling on deaf ears. And for influencers, this is the information that an influencer is looking for. Tell me who you are, so I can speak to that. Tell me who you are, so I can speak to that, because if we don't seek out who that person is and how they perceive themselves to be, then we are solely operating out of our own communication biases, our own stories, our own values, and our own beliefs. And so, how you communicate is colored by something that is shaded differently in their world. So how you see something may not be how they see something, and so that's what we're going to talk about today, are the elements of what shades this perspective that we call reality, excited? I love this stuff. So the first one is values. Basic easy way to describe what someone's values are are what are the concepts that this person considers to be good or bad, so one person might value health and wellness, while another person might put that low on their value hierarchy. The first thing to understand is that we all have a conscious, and mostly subconscious, values hierarchy. Our values are created out of our culture, the culture that we grew up in, the societal influences based on our gender. They are created out of the lessons that we've learned from our parents and the types of, as well as the language that we learned in the household we grew up in, so the values is really the culmination of our experience as human beings, and one person's experience creates this type of human being, and then another person's experience creates that type of human being, so understanding that there are so many different types of people that we interact with, which is what makes this fun, which what makes this type of communication style interesting and engaging, and peaks your curiosity and puts different things into action because what may work with one person may not work with another. So the first thing is identifying those values. So let's, and in your influential field guide, studio audience members, you have a list of potential values. I don't have the slide of that, so I want you to go ahead and kind of scan through those, and identify for yourself what you consider to be strong values for you, because what is great is as we go down this path of being influential, we have to explore our own self, our own strengths, and our own weaknesses, and our own values, and then learn how to identify that in other people. So some of the values as you flip to the page, I know for myself, like, connection and communication are clearly high values for me. Somebody else might not value communication as much, they might value art. Art is higher up on their values hierarchy. Another great contrast is if you have been brought up in a particular culture, then perhaps family is number one on your values hierarchy. But if you grew up in let's say a dysfunctional, abusive, you know horrible upbringing, then family is probably not going to be higher up, it's going to be independence might rank higher than family. So there is this constant back and forth. The first thing that I wanna make sure everybody understands is as you search for these values within somebody is that you need to be curious and not judge. So you have your own set of value systems, and that's perfectly fine and that's perfectly valid, but if you're wanting to influence somebody, then you need to suspend some of those judgments for a little bit as you connect with this person. So you're curious about their experience, not impressing yours on theirs. So you've had a chance to kind of look through, what are some of the values that personally reach out to you, and people on the online world that have the field guide, please feel free to be part of this process with us. Chris? Candor, independence, integrity, like those words really. Fantastic, so knowing that Chris values candor and independence, if I was trying to pitch you on something, and highlighted how, I'm trying to think of the opposite of candor, how you can clandestinely go through something and do it in a covert way Yeah. And we're going to be really secretive about this, then how would you react to that? Oh, I'd be put off by it. Absolutely. Be instantly put off by that right, so knowing that candor is important to you then I would want to highlight how it's transparent how it's inclusive, how it might be these other qualities. Absolutely, yeah. Okay, and then independence, so if I wanted to pitch something to you (laughter) and talk, now instantly, I don't know if you saw this through the feed, but he had a very strong nonverbal reaction when I mentioned independence. He lit up a little bit more Oh yeah. And he laughed and he's nodding his head even more. So tell me about independence. Why does that resonate with you? I don't know, I've just always felt it was a strength to be able to hold yourself up, right, it's just a family value. You just started talking about it earlier and it just resonated with me when you initially said it as well. Right, right. And to have that strength, you don't always need it, but to have it is core right? Right. And I feel if you don't have it that you're lacking something. It's just a belief. Right. So how another person with an opposite value system might perceive that community, not to say that this is an opposite, but Yeah. Who might see like, it takes a village, and-- The us versus the I. Yes, exactly, the us versus the I. Yeah. So those are two completely different approaches to this type of value system that you have created consciously and subconsciously. Exactly, so I think that the us is built off of the I, like the I is structural we give to ourselves so we become an us. But other people might see it the other way around. Right. The community makes each one of us better. Right, exactly. I understand what you mean Right. But they're very different value systems and you have to look at them differently. Yes, and again, one is not right or wrong. Yeah. So with what I know about you, Chris, I feel like I could have easily identified the independence part, because of your adventures that you have done. So you have, what was it, you went through Bulgaria, or where did you go through on a rickshaw? (laughs) I drove a motorcycle and side car across Siberia and up into the Arctic Circle, so. Who doesn't do that, right, Yeah, I know exactly, That's so, Like you guys wanna do it. that's a normal Saturday. So that takes a particular type of person who goes on that type of adventure, and I would easily say that somebody doing that alone, highly values independence. So what other values have come up, yes. And so, if you're looking to build a community, if you're looking to build a tribe, and you're my mark, Yeah. but I know he values independence Right. Do you, how do you go about doing that, or do you just go about sort of a different angle and then if he sees the community and wants to join he sort of will on his own accord? Right, so if you listen to specifically what Chris was talking about Yeah. It's a community of independent people. It's a community who are breaking out of their own boxes, breaking out of their comfort zones, taking their own independent actions and then circling back together within this community type of set. Is that roughly But what if Everything has a double edged blade, right? So independence can also be isolating, right, then you can feel like maybe you don't belong, so I think belonging is a community feeling. So I think there are shades where all of these fit together, which is why we were talking earlier that you know, having independence is a strength, you don't always have to use it though, and that gives you the ability to give towards others. For me, I view it as the I take care of myself first, I know I've got that strength, and then I can help others. And so, that is how I view independence versus community, that's what I kind of foster in building a tribe going forward. I don't know if it's right, it's just a viewpoint I have in the world, where you might have an alternate one. Versus you have the independence to then help people versus starting from a place of needing help of people. Yeah. Right, so it's the luxury to help rather than the need to help. Yeah, it's like take care of that, it's almost like a fear would be a good word. Like if I didn't have independence that would be a fear of mine. Sure. Take care of that so it's no longer a concern, Right. And then be able to give in many other ways. That's fantastic cause that highlights a great influential point of you can, in interrogations, this isn't quite aligned but in interrogations they'll talk about fear up and fear down, that basically it's the fear up is I might take away something that is valuable to you. So if you perhaps are under threat of your independence being taken away, then, and I can provide a solution to that. I can already tell you're gonna write me a big check, like right away (laughter) it's just like, yeah, whatever you want, it's great. And then the fear down is you value independence so let's play in to how you can get more independence or facilitate independence, that's two different ways to think about it, so are those two different approaches based on that value, still got questions? I see the inquisitive face. A little, so I think just maybe like practically. So if he were going to be my client, and so he's not actually him necessarily. Right. He has an autoimmune disease, he wants to go on this sort of elimination, I wanna help him with that. Right. I'm not gonna lead with the community aspect necessarily, I'm gonna lead with the one-on-one coaching, and it sounds like maybe that person may want to figure it out and have it all together, and then may want to join the community once they-- Well, so specifically, like if he's going to be a client of yours, I would say you're focused on the individual, I don't think the community comes into play with the services that you would be talking about. So, off the top of my head, the way to sell him on that is with this elimination diet help autoimmune disease, or help your immune system, is it will help you be more healthy and independent as you get older and so you won't have to go into hospitals and you won't have to deal with medical bills, it will maintain your independence as you age in years to come, versus if you don't do this, then you never know when something's gonna give out and then you may have to be in hospital, or this is broad strokes kind of a generalization, but instantly you kinda saw how he resonated with that, that perhaps the loss of independence in old age is a strong fear, I feel, that there's yeah. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely, yeah, so I love this discussion because it really brings it back down to the technical part of we have this concept of values, and now we're able to bring it down to the nuts and bolts. So whatever type of values have you been able to identify for yourself? Yes. I've got growth, health, connection, making a difference, open-mindedness, curiosity, presence. Great, growth, health, connection, I like the idea of growth, and then if you have a client that has a similar type of value, then you can perhaps communicate with them, where a disconnect might be, is so if you have a value of growth, and they have a value of comfort. Status quo, security blanket, stay thing, maintain the same things, change is bad kind of a thing. So if you're selling, if you're upselling growth, that's freaking them out, so you might have to figure out okay comfort is important to them, how can I package this message to make them know that this is going to enhance their comfort in certain areas? So you can see already how we're playing with the influence, and this is just one of the VIBES that we're picking up, any questions on values? I think our chatroom may be a step ahead of you, so let me know if you're gonna get to this, but influencer wants to know, what specific questions would you ask to help identify one of your mark's values? Great, so we will get to how to elicit that information, with values specifically, eyes actually look towards actions rather than the words, so anytime somebody reacts strongly in a negative way towards something, it generally means that somebody has violated their values, so for example with Chris if independence is important and he's at an event where they won't let you get up and move around until at a specific point you can't ask questions, and you know this is the specific structure, it's taking away a sense of independence and he may just react to that in a certain way. He may leave, I mean, who knows. So anytime somebody reacts negatively, it's because somebody has violated that value. So if you value religion, if religion is very strong for you and somebody attacks that, you will man up and for that fight because that is a value that is a core of you. Now the people who also react very strongly in a positive way when the values are reinforced. When the values are validated. So if somebody is elated because somebody left them a gift for no reason on their desk, then that probably shows a value of recognition, or appreciation, or gifts, or whatever it may be. It's a sign that there's possibly strong value that this person has around that scenario, so strong visceral reaction negative, strong visceral reaction positive, are good indicators that values are in play, very good question. Okay, the next of our influential VIBES that we're gonna look for is identity. This is where somebody will overtly say this is who I am, and again, people say this so often and we miss it, we miss these opportunities to have these influential hooks. So for example, I was at a dinner once, and it was five other people, and in that one conversation and I wrote a blog post about this, so you might have to search on the blog, I can't think of the title right now, but in that one conversation somebody said, I keep starting projects and I never finish them. Whether that is true or not, I don't care. That is her reality, that is how she perceives herself. She perceives herself as somebody who starts things and never finishes them, and she also said, and I don't like that about myself. If I was wanting to coach her, then I would make sure that I would explain to her, here's all the fail safes for how you will not fail. You will not stop, you will finish this, and that would be more interesting and engaging to her. Also in that conversation I remember somebody saying something along the lines of, I'm not a morning person, even something simple as that can give you information about how they structure their day. Also somebody said, I'm much more driven than everybody else, that tells me something, and this is over, we all had hamburgers that night, like we weren't even drinking, like people will just tell you about themselves, and your job as an influencer, first of all is turn on the mechanism, hear those phrases. I'm sure even today in the studio audience you guys have probably heard some of these phrases and you might have picked up on them and you might not have, and we have somebody in the chatroom who is at dinner going to be using some of these techniques, use that one at dinner. I guarantee you'll probably be able to pick up on that (snaps fingers) you'll probably walk away with ten just from tonight, especially if you're a good conversationalist, so you just get people talking, people say who they are more often than not. All right, next we have beliefs. So beliefs are the if this then that kind of assumptions that we create based on values. So, if I value health and wellness, and I'm a judgmental person and I see somebody who is overweight seems to be in pain, then I might say, well they don't value themselves. Because I value health and wellness, and I would assume somebody who's overweight just simply doesn't value themselves, and that's the judgmental side that most people subconsciously go through. Then if you see somebody, again if you value health and wellness, and you see somebody with a six pack, and if you're a judgmental person, you might jump to the conclusion, well they really take care of themselves, they care about themselves, so it's the if this then that kind of structure that we build from those values that we have, so Chris I see you kind of thinking that through, what's coming to mind there? No, I'm thinking through the concept, I don't have a good example yet. Okay, all right. I understand the concept, but I haven't been able to place it in real life yet, so that's what I'm trying to think through. Perfect, so some examples could be, let's see, for myself, oh this is definitely one in relationships is if you care about me then you communicate with me. If you cut off communication it means you don't care. Okay. Straight to the heart. Right? Straight to the heart, yeah. Because communication is high on my value list. So if you take communication it's like you're ripping out my heart, it presents no opportunity for us to connect and interact, so does that kind of spark any of your values and if this then thats that you might create? They're somewhat tangential then to the values, how would you suss them out, they seem a bit harder to suss out. Again it's through, so values you probably figure out through multiple interactions with the person, and again I look more for actions, however, with beliefs you might be, you probably will be able to pick up on how they talk about other people. Okay. so this coworker, she doesn't submit her reports on time because she doesn't care, so for this person, guidelines, deadlines, details, that person values those things, and perceives that the other person doesn't care, when really it's just they have a different approach or whatever it is. They're making a different connection there. Exactly, because how one person perceives the guidelines as valuable another person can perceive it as constraining, right? So how they talk about other people is a pretty easy way to figure out beliefs and again, now that you know that these exist and they're in your conscious mind you'll see these more often, but for values I tend to look at actions, beliefs I tend to look at how they describe others. Their beliefs, do they have a more judgmental slant? Generally speaking yes, because it comes from a very subconscious place. Because the beliefs is the stated version of the values. The values are this is good, this is bad. And it's a little bit of a survival because we grew up that this is what will help you, this will not based on our culture and our upbringing and all of that. So the beliefs whether they realize it or not it comes out a little bit more judgmental unless somebody's very diplomatic with their words, then you might have to delve a little further, but that's a quick and easy way to figure out their beliefs. Okay, oh one example of that is, I had a client who was wanting to get a promotion and so I sent her on a mission to profile her mark, the person that could give her the promotion, and she went one step beyond and actually asked coworkers and people who knew the mark to send in their impressions of the mark, and it was perfect because it exemplified how people are so judgmental, and I don't mean that in a they're bad people, it's just these were the judgments that they were sharing, how judgmental they were without even thinking. People thought that they were sharing observations, but they were actually judgments. So for example one that I recall was, he's a brown noser, (laughter) versus that could be he seems to want people to feel appreciated or you know something along those lines, they instantly went to he's a brown noser. There was also one like, he wants to be pleasant but doesn't know how to get results, something along those lines, versus I've seen him, what I've observed is, he talks a lot about these projects but there hasn't been follow through. See how there's that slight judgmental slant, and it's because the person is speaking out of their values and beliefs rather than putting on the Sherlock Holmes hat, and suspending their own value system and just looking at the observations, make sense? This is a very, we have to delve deep into our souls a little bit for this practice, but it helps build connections in such a strong way. The next one is emotions, and by emotions what I mean is what puts your mark in a positive state what puts your mark in a negative state. Because you will be able to leverage those two at the basis of influence is knowing how to push the buttons and leverage a positive state and knowing when to leverage a negative state. What causes pain, what causes pleasure. If you need your mark to be in a positive state, then you want to have kind of a list of things that you have observed that puts your mark in a positive state. It could be a simple thing like chocolate covered almonds, that puts them in a positive state, great, bring some to the meeting sometime and just say oh I just found this great boutique that creates these, I want you to have them, when really it's I need you in a positive state cause I'm giving you some bad news in a little bit. And also negative states, so if you are trying to get somebody to buy you're services, then you may need to figure out what puts them in a negative state that helps them feel that pain recall that pain that they are feeling, because when people are in a sales situation they already, and they know that they're in a sales situation sometimes they put up a little bit of a guard and they're just waiting for you to go to the pitch. And so you need to make sure that they relive what brought you to this meeting in the first place. That there is tension in the team, that there we're losing budget and we're losing time because they aren't communicating, whatever these things may be, so reiterate and elicit that negative emotion and the frustration, and then once you see that body language, that significant shift into frustration you go, and now here's the solution. So it's the bandaid on the wound. So positive and negative emotions. And then the next one, is stories. So everybody has their own story. This is the culmination of the values and the beliefs and this is the story that we create around the entire situation, this is the story we have about ourselves, so there's a lot of identifiers in one's story, and it's the story that we have about the world around us. One person's story may be, you know, just seems like everybody's out to get me, like that's the story they've created based on this person has gone against my values and that led to this, and now it's just the most condensed way we can in our language to explain how we feel about the situation. Now stories can be very nuanced, so we'll probably workshop through this one in a bit, but for example one of the stories that I probably have is, is personal growth, consistent continuous growth is important, and if somebody isn't interested in continuous personal growth, and they probably have a sad life, and I mean this is honestly the subconscious talking. You know of course I wouldn't say this to somebody's face, but this is the story I've created based off of my own personal life experiences. Oftentimes when people tell you the stories of their life, let's say if they come from, if they have kind of like a victim mentality, and they share the story of their life, and all is through this filter of being a victim, then that helps you in your influential efforts. Some people might view that as an obstacle, but an influencer always works within the system of the mark, of what they perceive the world to be. So if they see themselves as a victim, then you might well be able to position yourself as a savior or position themselves as a savior, that might take a little bit more of an uphill climb, cause clearly their identifier is victim. So for them to make the leap into savior, it's gonna take a lot more work. But knowing that, now if you have a long timeline, if you're doing the long con so to speak, fine, great. If you're going for short, then I wouldn't set that for your influential intension.

Class Description

Learn the art and science of influence from Sharí Alexander. In Build Your Influence, Build Your Business, you’ll learn observation and communication techniques that will make you more persuasive and influential, in work and in life.

Influence is not coercion or manipulation – it is skillful communication that conveys ideas and elicits action in the most effective way possible. In this class, you’ll learn conversational persuasive techniques that forge strong business connections that are essential for persuasive communication. Sharí will help you develop effective ways to assert your authority and ensure you are heard and understood without losing the admiration and respect of your listeners. You’ll learn eye opening observational techniques that will help you decode influential signals that you have missed in the past. Then, she will walk you through the essential influential process that will help you close more deals, motivate groups, and build stronger relationships. Sharí will also help you hone your observation skills and more accurately read and assess others.

Watch Build Your Influence, Build Your Business and forever change the way you communicate.


Stephanie Platero

The course is really great! Shari does an excellent job expressing some of the complexities by providing examples. Super knowledgeable, articulate and her presentation is very interesting. If you are using the Creative live "live, on air" while watching this, the ads for creative live are really distracting. I used to watch a lot of the courses by RSVPing and investing my time to watch the presenters in its entirety (the benefit of RSVP'ing and being a user) but the ads have gotten worse and actually skip to various parts of the presentation and you lose out on some of the content. I assume this is to encourage buying the course but makes it so difficult to follow and be engaged.

a Creativelive Student

I was not prepared for all the wonderful information that was taught. It has helped me in business and then a surprise... helped me with family as well. Fantastic class. Love Shari! Roxanne

Mahna Mahna

Excellent excellent course. Highly recommend Shari and the content she presents. I’ve gone from influence Newbie to Ninja-ish. Lots of practical information that you can use in professional situations, personal situations, and everything in between. In the workplace - develop more effective relationships and influence people up & down the org chart. As a business owner – generate more revenue per sale and develop closer relationships with customers. On a personal level - iron out the bumps in the road (or the outright disasters) with your family and friends. Shari makes the topic of ‘Influence’ appealing, approachable, and easy to understand. And the workshopped ‘hands-on’ examples are PRICELESS – they go a long way towards getting you to implement these concepts for yourself. Spend the time and do the Influence Profile - you will see/feel/experience immediate results. And I do mean IMMEDIATE.