Build Your Influence, Build Your Business

Lesson 7/27 - Linguistic "Tells" for Persuasive Planning


Build Your Influence, Build Your Business


Lesson Info

Linguistic "Tells" for Persuasive Planning

We're going to try something, something fun here, at Creative Live, and I want to perhaps spark a coversation to shed some light on- Ha, ha, I can be visual. (laughter) On how you might be able to discern this kind of information in a coversation. So, let us start with our lovely visual. While she's coming up there, I'm just going to read a couple that came in from the chat room and get a pulse on them. Influenca says that, "I'm half visual, half auditory." 318Media says, "I feel like a little bit of all three. Probably more visual though." And Scarlight who says, "As a professional photographer and artist, I'd say I'm visual, however I'm not sure. That's what I was always told growing up." I guess people do change as they get older and they kind of shift from one to the next. Okay, awesome, great. So, what we're going to do is the beautiful, wonderful elves of Creative Live are going to record us just having a conversation and then we'll be able to play it back and perhaps key in ...

on some phrases. So, I know that we already, first we have to acknowledge the current dynamic. She already knows about visual auditory kinesthetic. She also has self diagnosed herself as being visual, but for now we're going to kind of suspend those things and just have a normal chit chat. Alright? Awesome. Pretend you have a glass of wine, and we're just hanging out. I like that glass of wine. (laughter) Does everybody get a glass of wine? Alright, so Creative Live elves, we'll just go ahead and start the recording. So first of all, just tell me what do you do? So, I am a biomedical engineer, a fashion designer, and a writer, because I love to transform ideas from images- from imagination to reality. Awesome, okay. Which one of those do you love the most? I love them all, for the same reason. So what's the line? So what I do is I see either like the device or the process to make, if it's biomedical engineering the process to make the therapy, the biologic or the drug or whatever it is and then I create that in real life. Like I make it real. How do you make it real? Are you- So sometimes, that means making pieces that for a device that fit together, and sometimes it means putting the equipment together in the right order. Yeah. So do you enjoy the piecing the things together part, or do you enjoy the start of the big picture process, building 30,000 foot view kind of a thing. I like the whole process. Especially when whatever I make that's real fits like matches with whatever picture I had in my head at the beginning. Okay, and then what happens when it doesn't match? Then I get really frustrated. (laughter) And what is really frustrated? Well sometimes I get really frustrated, other times like it serves it's purpose and then I'm fine with it. So, if it works, if it's functional. Yeah. Then it's okay. Then it's okay. Now, when it doesn't match are you frustrated with yourself or are you frustrated with people that got it wrong? Usually more with myself. Okay, alright. What's one of your favorite projects that you've worked on? There's so many of them. I guess, one of my favorite projects would be a fashion design thing I did. So my friend's wedding dress for her. And like designed it and everything. And she like we sat down and we looked at a whole bunch of images of dresses that she liked, and she told me what she liked and why, about all of the different dresses. And then, from what I knew of her, I designed like, the dress that was the representation of her personality. But that also had incorporated all of the elements that she had pointed out that she liked. Even though some of those elements she didn't think she could pull off. Mmhmm. But I made it work for her. Nice. Yeah. How did you know she was really happy with it? She told me, and I've known her since she was four so. That's a good sign. Awesome, alright thank you very much for our chat. Give her a round of applause? (applause) Alright, so, Chris, I can just tell you play and pause and they'll be able to do that? We should be good to go. I'll let you know if we have any issues. Okay, great. So, let's go ahead, first of all, did you guys take some notes, did you get some insights about a few things? Great, let's go ahead and play it and then I'll tell you when to pause. Let's start the recording So first of all just tell me what do you do? So- Pause it. Good job. So one thing that comes up with visual people, and I don't necessarily teach this part of neuro linguistic programming because there's not a whole lot of science that supports it, however there's something known as IQ's that we look in certain directions to access certain parts of the data that we're taking in. So, instantly, right away, she looked up, so versus me, and visual goes up, auditory generally goes left to right, kinesthetic goes down. This generally is, I have seen it to be the case most of the time, where a lot of the science does not support, and I want to debunk this myth, is some people think you can tell people are lying based on where the eyes look. Time and time again that has proved to be false, so don't look at both the IQ's if you're looking for deception. The first thing that she did, was look up, and she continued to do so with the few rare times she went downward and that to me said this is potentially visual, okay? So, that last part is going to replay just now. That's fine, that's fine. Alright. Alright let's go ahead and start, so then they can see the upward look again. Let's start the recording. So first of all, tell me what do you do? So, I am a biomedical engineer, a fashion designer, and a writer, because I love to transform ideas from images- from imagination to reality. Okay, pause it. So, I love that she said transform. Transform images into reality. Again sometimes it's easiest to learn, understand something by considering the opposite. Me, being not visual, I never would use those words. Like, I, like I don't even know what a substitution would be, but I rarely refer to transform I talk about change and how people feel at the end of something. There's nothing in my world, I wouldn't say nothing, generally speaking there's very few things I refer to as images into reality, it's feelings into results. So that's the difference between our types. Okay, continue. Okay, which one of those do you love the most? Pause. I love them all for the same reason. Did you catch her breathing? I know it was at the end of a laugh, but the shallow breathing is throughout, if you catch that. Okay, continue. For the same reason. Okay, so what's the line? So, what I do, is I see either like the device, or the process to make, if it's biomedical engineering, the process to make the therapy, the biologic, or the drug or whatever it is, and then I create that in real life. Alright pause it. So, again while she was collecting her thoughts, she went downward, probably because she has a lot to process in this moment, again she goes upward for the majority of the time. And she sees the process that and this one comes up next, okay yes go ahead. So, I noticed when she looked down, it was almost- And she said, "I see." Basically talking about making something, and she looked down like she was holding something. Yeah. I totally get that, that could be like visual and then could it also translate little kinesthetic? Because you're holding what you're talking about? Correct, so she clearly has both, because she sees these things and then she's transforming them into reality. And she's hands on in turning turning these things into reality. So she definitely has both of these. So we haven't seen auditory, much yet. So as an influencer, you notice, I noticed in the moment I already started mirroring her visual-ness that I was expecting. So, I just want to say that to demonstrate, I did not mean to do that in the moment, but that's how natural and second nature these adjustments will become. So even if you are highly visual, over time you will be able to be flexible in your language, and I'm pretty sure that's coming up next. So let's go ahead and play it. How do you make it real? So, sometimes that- So she jumped right in, right? So she jumped right in with, "I got that image. Now I can talk about it." Go ahead. Means making pieces that, for a device that fit together, and sometimes it means putting the equipment together in the right order. Yeah. Do you enjoy the piecing the things together part or do you enjoy the start of the big picture process building 30,000 foot view kind of a thing? Pause it. So, was I being kinesthetic right here? No, you were being visual. I was being visual. It was very visual, intensely so. Right, un-intently intently yes, in that I already knew I needed speak visual to her. I don't know if I should've, but that's just naturally what came out, because my brain said, "Okay, she's visual, this is where we go with it." So I talk to her about the big picture, versus the 30,000 foot so this is how you can incorporate and change up your own language, to match the person and build rapport with them. Okay continue. I like the whole process. It's especially when whatever I make that's real fits like matches with whatever picture I had in my head at the beginning. So that's fairly obvious, yes? That tells us something visual? And I will say, I'm getting a lot of kinesthetic views from her so I probably would talk both visually and kinesthetic with her. Just another way to exemplify that we are not one or the other and have- We're complicated creatures, we can have, we can have whatever we want, alright? Continue? Then what happens when it doesn't match? Then I get really frustrated. (laughter) Well sometimes I get really frustrated, other times like it serves it's purpose and then I'm fine with it. I just want to point out that body language. She was so highly connected to that frustration, did you notice she took a step back? Because we move away from pain, we move towards pleasure. She saw the picture or felt the sensation of frustration and moved away from it. It was both, you saw or felt both. Yes. Great. So instantly, and that would be a significant shift. Right there, I know that is a strong hot button for her, that a failed project, according to her, a failed project is big, because she is so connected with that sensation, that experience. It was in her words, it was in her tone, her voice dropped a notch, and it was in her body language. Do you see how all these things just confirmed something for me, because I'm looking at all these different pieces. Great, next. So it works if it's functional? Yeah. Then it's okay. Now when it doesn't match are you frustrated with yourself or are you frustrated with people that got it wrong? Usually more with myself. Okay. Yeah. What's one of your favorite projects that you've worked on? There are so many of them. I guess one of my favorite projects would be a fashion design thing I did. So I made my friend's wedding dress for her, and- Pause it. So, I'm just trying to incorporate what we've learned so far. Did you see the pride in her chest? Yeah. Yeah, so again, that's another clue that this is a potential hook for me. Depending on what my influential intention is. If I need to elicit the sense of pride and accomplishment I bring up this example with her. If I want to illicit the sense of pride and accomplishment, this is one of things I shall turn to. It's really key, because and we'll talk about later how influence is really about positive and negative state. So it becomes a trigger you can then utilize later on? Yes sir, because what I get pride from, when I feel accomplished is different, because I've never created a wedding dress. And I never will create a wedding dress. So, but I'm curious about her and she is sending me the signals I need for potential hooks later on. Okay. Make sense? Yes? So when you notice that, when you notice that she feels pride about it is it a good idea to ask more questions down that path like what, why did you like it so much, that kind of thing? To drill down even more, or just depends on- Yeah. So, if I want to really draw out that sensation of pride, then I would continue down that path. If it's not going to serve me in that moment, I might move on to something else. Again, it's- I don't like universals where you say it's never or it's always. So, it's rarely a bad idea to keep somebody in a state of good emotions, a good happy state. And especially if they get to keep talking about it. Because they are re-anchoring this sensation and building it up all by themselves. And people love to talk about themselves. So, especially what I know about intelligence gathering and elicitation, how it serves me in influence. I always, I highly normally recommend- I'm usually not this bad about those universals, it's just kicking in today. I'm adding the dramatic flair. It is almost one of my biggest recommendations is to let the other person talk, because the more that they share the more that you get, and the more influential you potentially can be. I mean there's a beautiful phrase, we have two ears and one mouth, you should communicate in that ratio, just the same. Listen twice as much as you speak. Okay, so. Okay let's play it out- And she like we sat down and we looked at a whole bunch of images of dresses that she liked and she told me what she liked and why about all of the different dresses. Perfect. So, I know that we have a lot of artists and visual people and photographers in the online space. If you are a visual person, if you're into visual arts, what she described is so key. To sit down and have the visuals with your client. Because me being a kinesthetic person and somebody else being an auditory person, is going to describe what they want for their wedding. What they want for this event. What they want for this design in a completely different language than what will serve you. They will say, "I want." I used to have a company where part of what we did was branding and design like logos and people would say, "I want it to feel more fun." How frustrating is that to the designer? I don't know what fun is. I don't know how to create fun in pixels. So, having, giving them the opportunity to have the visuals in front of them and dissect it with you. One of the skills I had when working with those people, was I was able to translate that. So, to me fun is x, y, and z more colors. Is that what fun is to you? Also I have a make up artist this morning who, made me look this way. And she asked me what I wanted. And my first response was sophisticated elegance, that's what I like. So something simple, understated, but still a little glammed up. Now none of that is very specific to, "I like this much eyeliner, this much whatever whatever." So, one way that I know to help with that to facilitate that with a visual person was Audrey Hepburn-esque. Audrey Hepburn had a classic look that everybody's very familiar with. The darker line on top, simple face, and of course we discussed it throughout, but I noticed that my first description is not terribly helpful for a visual person. So we navigated our way through that conversation. Versus a kinesthetic person like me being one that coaches people, I it's very easy for me to lean towards all of the kinesthetic sensations and feelings you'll get out of this program, but for somebody who's visual or auditory I need to consciously make the decision to talk about what they will see in the reactions of others through this coaching rather than the sensations they will get from this. Or the words and the phrases they will hear from their boss, versus how I might tend to describe something. You're smiling a lot, what are the aha's that are happening? We were just having a conversation during the breaks about a particular style of photography and I just, I had never heard of that. It's something very specific to a very particular area. And when she describes this to me, and she tells me like who is in the photos and what happens, and the movements that happens but I don't really see a clue, until like real, I don't see it. It's very general, but I don't see the picture, until she starts telling me about like about a particular details that are always present in these styles of shoots and I still I haven't seen that but I kind of getting an idea of where it heads, it's just very kinesthetic to visual kind of conversation. Yes. Like very kinesthetic to visual. Absolutely, and that's the beauty of learning this. Because one of the problems that people face is there is a disconnect either in our relationship or we have to work together on a project and there's a disconnect. That's how people will usually refer it, a disconnect or we just don't get along, or we just don't see eye to eye. That's how a visual person might describe it. And it's highly likely that while we're trying to create this thing out of nothing, we are not speaking the same language. And so you need to actively translate your language into theirs and then when they say their turn go ahead and reit- when they say what they need to. Then go ahead and reiterate to them in their language and your language, and it's just this back and forth. It's because when people don't know this information when they don't have it, then they're stuck in that. Then it's just the same problem coming up over and over again with a coworker or a client. That they're not happy, and I don't know why they're not happy, because I created the sensation that they talked about. This is a sexy logo, this is laughing humorous logo, this is- but to them, they were trying to communicate something else. And any thoughts over in chatland? Oh, we have lots of questions coming up, if you want to get to a couple of them now. Sure! So, I know we talked a little bit before about people being more than one of these examples. Inshortcinema wants to know is it possible for a kinesthetic person to be successful in a visual medium, ie a film maker or a photographer? How do these things apply to your occupation and kind of shifting back and forth? Absolutely, so if you're kinesthetic and in a visual medium of some sort, you probably will work really well with a director or a cinematographer that is more visual- or more kinesthetic, so it certainly is- Again we are multiple things because you identify with one more than another it certainly doesn't limit you in any way. It just means you consciously need to make the effort to broaden your language use and build your flexibility to be able to speak all three. Great question. Okay, and then another question here, we have a viewer who wants to know, Shree do you ever find yourself actively mirroring someone to help influence them? Do you kind of take on that persona when you're watching them? Yes, so not necessarily take on the persona, but in our next session we will talk about the mirroring aspects. So we mirror with our body language, we mirror in the paralinguistics that we talked about. And this is another way to do it, is we mirror the language type. The visual, the auditory, or the kinesthetic. So, fantastic insight and paving the way to where we're going. Alright, sounds good. Great, so a few ways you can practice figuring out visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and I do highly recommend that you give yourself this little covert mission of talking with somebody and trying to figure out if they're visual, auditory, kinesthetic. So, here are just a few things you can do, is like you can ask them what did they do for Thanksgiving, or what their plans are for Christmas, or talk about a tradition of some sort in their home. You can ask them what they did yesterday, or talk about your best friend. Talk about someone that you really don't like. Or get them to talk about one of the best dates that they've been on, or the worst date. Any sort of description of an experience that they have, or something that they love or have strong emotions towards will give you insight into how this person takes in information and chooses subconsciously to represent it to you. And you're looking for something that has a bit more of an emotional connection rather than, "How do you make your coffee in the morning?" Make sense? That was my question earlier. About how to elicit from them? Yeah. Right. And then so after you go through this covert mission a few times with just practicing with your friends. And again, so there's a well known philosophy in the world of stand up comedy, that a stand up comedian will never go to a friend and say, "Tell me if this is funny." Because instantly that person, puts on the filter of a critic of funny or not. You have to slyly kind of work in the joke, work in the humor. So for your mission, do not prep your friend by saying, "I'm going to tell if you're visual, auditory, or kinesthetic." Because that's going to shade the conversation. So your covert mission is just to think of some sort of topic that you think your friend, your coworker, can talk about for a long time. That you can continue to ask questions while still turning on the mechanism and paying attention to visual, auditory, kinesthetic. These types of practices will really make it much easier in high pressure situations, critical meetings, and with people that you don't know. Because, you start to hear similar phrases over and over again you start to see some more clusters grouped together that you'll be able to pick up on it much more quickly. Okay, questions about that? So with the observed piece. If you have your mark and you're meeting with them, then obviously you can turn that, your observe piece on. Right. But are there times when, we might not, naturally think to turn the observe piece on, that you recommend that we should, like a trigger that we should say, like oh that happened when we turn the observe piece on? So, let's see. I flip on the switch when I'm bored. I do, that's honest. I am very extroverted person, obviously. I mean I'm up here doing this, but I have very strong introverted tendencies. So I do get fueled by being around people, but I also really need a lot of recharge afterwards. It's a little bit of a mix of the two. So when I'm in networking events, or when I'm at a party or something and I just feel like I've been on a lot and had to engage in conversation. I'll kind of slip away and then I just, I let my, I put this to practice, I kind of run drills kind of a thing. Observational drills and I'll pay attention to the feet, I'll listen and eavesdropping, oh my gosh. This is your new favorite thing. Eavesdrop on conversations, it's so much fun when you know this. So, I'll eavesdrop on conversations and just play little covert missions, play little games with myself thinking like visual, auditory, kinesthetic. What type of personality type? What are the influential vibes, what are the hooks? And so that's one way. So when, if you find yourself rather than playing on your phone, I want you to be in the moment and start playing these mind games. Other times is if you are going to meet with somebody, then you just need to do that prep like in your car when you're walking up or something like that, is to think about, okay, so this is what I need to know. And also, what's going to help is your field guide and the covert profiler. Because you'll be able to identify, this is what I know about them, but there's a big hole right here I don't know if they're visual, auditory, kinesthetic, so that's what I'm going to focus on today. So, as you get really good at this you might be able to discern all this in one meeting, but chances are you might need a few stages to build up. That's why I totally think you should use your friends as your lab rats, because that's going to help you build up the skill in a safe environment. Answer your question? Yeah, awesome. Great. Do we have chats? Yeah, we have a few more. Now we have a question here from Lindsay Hooper, this deals with hand gestures so I know we may get into this a little bit deeper later, but Lindsay wants to know with hand gestures Shree has her fingers spread when moving her hands. Politicians seem to have hand gestures with closed fingers more like they're cutting the air. How would hand gestures and fingers impact the influence? Okay. So, the world of politics has it's own special niche. Politicians are highly coached, for a number of reasons we won't delve into, because they need it. But they have to have a fine balance of kind of what I'm having to do today is talk to a group of people, but as well, deal with the camera. Because the camera adds a little bit more intimacy, and so I'm sure a lot of my big gestures might not translate as well but the camera's a little bit further back so it's not a tight shot. Politicians are told to keep their hands like this, and cutting the air potentially because it's a little more dominant, not threatening, also they're told not to point, and not necessarily the thumbs up, but like this gesture became really big after the Clinton era, and Obama even uses it today. I wouldn't necessarily turn to the world of politics for what you should do. First of all, I'm not a big fan of the word should. But they are just highly coached, clients of people. So one thing you'll see a lot of politicians do is like when they walk on stage they're just like ... They don't know a soul in that audience. They are not saying hi to anybody, they are coached to do that for, to back up an influential technique that we are going to talk about is social proof. Is that when you are perceived to be a liked person, and people know you, like you, then others will think, "Oh, I should like them too." So that's why they are coached to do this waving thing into the audience. So that's just one example of why I wouldn't necessarily look to politics as you're ideal baseline. And I have my fingers open just simply because I like jazz hands. Any others? Well yeah. Let's do one more here, before we go back online. Okay. Can- so the auditory is probably the most foreign to me. Right. So can you give some examples if I notice that someone's auditory, can you give some examples of how I can mirror give them auditory back? Right. Like yeah, I see the- Auditory people, also one tell with auditory people is they'll kind of tilt their head like a dog going, huh? So it's like their opening up the ear duct, because they really want to hear what you're saying. So they will tend to lean their head a little bit more, and lean in with just cheating the ear towards you more rather than the visual who's locked and loaded, squared off. For auditory phrases, also with auditory people, they tend to have a very melodic tone to their speech. So one thing that you might want to pay attention to, is if you are monotone or not, so you might need to go up and down with your voice a little bit more. Play with cadence and pauses and stuff. They also, auditory people tend to have a very pleasant- DJ's are very auditory people, DJ I mean like radio DJ's not the big auditorium filling DJ's. But people who are announcers, they tend to be very auditory people and their voice tells it. So mirroring their tone, could be one fantastic way to build that rapport. Also, I mean using any of these phrases and then getting them to one way to really build rapport with them, is to get them to keep talking to you and check in with them like how does that sound to you, and get them to speak out loud their process when they cannot speak it, then it's, it's almost like they're- Like if you bound my hands, that's the same kind of sensation, is if they can't chip in and hear themselves talk it out then it's difficult, it's not as pleasant for them. And I forget exactly what you called it earlier, it was something like acknowledgement fillers or filters. Acknowledgement fillers, mm hm yes. Would auditory people like that? Yes, genius, yes you are absolutely right. Yeah, I meant to bring that up and you caught it, and you are awesome. That is definitely something an auditory person will do is the fillers. Okay. And kinesthetic people tend to be more skilled at matching the body language. Auditory people are more skilled at matching the language and tone. Visual people can go both ways, that's just the strengths of the kinesthetic and auditory is where they tend to be- Where they can match more easily. Yes, any others Chris? Yeah, I got another question here from Megan and two other people voted on this one, and Megan says, "People tell me that I come off as relaxed and easy going, and warm, which I like. But I'd also like to come off as driven. The people around me that are seen as driven or go getters when I look at them, they actually looked visibly stressed, even in low stress times, they would walk tensely. They always say things like I'm so swamped, I'm so busy." So Megan says, "I'd like to come off as driven too, but I don't like the whole I'm so busy look. How do I give that relaxed but also driven impression." Right, so I agree with her assessment. That you do not have to have this aura of stress and anxiety to be perceived as driven. I, so, what I'm hearing from her question, it's not necessarily that she wants to be perceived as driven it's perhaps that she wants to get more results, almost. And tell me if she says otherwise, but I don't think that the perception of being driven serves you, in and of itself. I think it's the ability to drive results. I think so, yeah it seems like that's the case. Just in a business environment sometimes, that giving off that feeling of being really stressed makes you seem like you're driven, where she's really more laid back and relaxed. But yeah, maybe she actually still is just as busy, just as driven. Right. And I will say that could be a hidden tool in her arsenal, that if she comes across as being chill, and relax, and warm and approachable as she described it, and that's wonderful and then she lets people open up and then they connect with her. And then at the end, at the critical moment she can be like now we're talking results. That could be a really strong tactic that she could use to her benefit. That it's almost like a gear shift that people go, oh! But they've connected with her and they've built such great rapport because she's good at that, but then she could just drive it to, this is the result. So, I don't think that driven is the goal. I think driving results is potentially the goal. Okay. Yeah. Okay, one more? And just to recap, what I think you've said. Yes? You said results, and so, I think a little bit earlier if you're mirroring if you're talking to a client. If they're auditory the results that you want to give them are the things that they'll hear from their boss and that kind of thing right, that's what they want to hear. Right. And then if they're visual they want to- Well if they're kinesthetic they want the results might be more feeling related, and if they're visual, what kind? The end result, the process, the project, the pieces coming together, yes. So there is that level when you get into cold profiling, that's going to enhance that even more. So somebody who's kinesthetic and intuitive, is definitely going to want results of feeling, yeah here's the aha moments, is definitely going to want the results of feeling and also perhaps harmony around the people, with the people around them, versus someone who's visual and is a hard J of judging wants results and they want them fast and they want the tangible things. So, this will interplay with that cold profiling, but I love where your mind is trying to piece things together that's great. Goody, goody, goody. I know right? I love it, I love it!

Class Description

Learn the art and science of influence from Sharí Alexander. In Build Your Influence, Build Your Business, you’ll learn observation and communication techniques that will make you more persuasive and influential, in work and in life.

Influence is not coercion or manipulation – it is skillful communication that conveys ideas and elicits action in the most effective way possible. In this class, you’ll learn conversational persuasive techniques that forge strong business connections that are essential for persuasive communication. Sharí will help you develop effective ways to assert your authority and ensure you are heard and understood without losing the admiration and respect of your listeners. You’ll learn eye opening observational techniques that will help you decode influential signals that you have missed in the past. Then, she will walk you through the essential influential process that will help you close more deals, motivate groups, and build stronger relationships. Sharí will also help you hone your observation skills and more accurately read and assess others.

Watch Build Your Influence, Build Your Business and forever change the way you communicate.


Stephanie Platero

The course is really great! Shari does an excellent job expressing some of the complexities by providing examples. Super knowledgeable, articulate and her presentation is very interesting. If you are using the Creative live "live, on air" while watching this, the ads for creative live are really distracting. I used to watch a lot of the courses by RSVPing and investing my time to watch the presenters in its entirety (the benefit of RSVP'ing and being a user) but the ads have gotten worse and actually skip to various parts of the presentation and you lose out on some of the content. I assume this is to encourage buying the course but makes it so difficult to follow and be engaged.