(dance music) (speaker muffled by music)
Alright, nice job ladies, you're all ladies today. So welcome to day two, and today we are talking about mastery. So we are in day two of our happiness structure. Yesterday we talked about the now how mindset. Did you do your chart of happiness? Everyone at home did your chart of happiness? Perfect. Before we get started, I want to talk about our goals for today. So mastery is really about capability. It's about power. I think it is a missed happiness trigger. Often times when we hear about or think about happiness, we think like happy, go lucky, we think kind of this bubbly, effervescent painting or cooking in a field with sunshine, but actually happiness comes from some very serious emotions about feeling talented and capable and like you really own who you are and what you do. So we're going to be talking about that today. It's also about control, and I think power makes us feel more in control of our moods and our happiness. And lastly, I ...
want us to feel more powerful, more like we can kick butt in whatever we do. But of course everyday we start off with a dance, because that releases some happy chemicals, and we do a warm up. You ready for our warm up today? At home, please get out a piece of paper and a pen on your workbook if you have it. And I want you to think about, when was the last time you lost track of time? When was the last time you were doing an activity, and you looked up and you were like whoa, it's been three hours, or it's been 30 minutes, and I thought it was five minutes. What was that activity or place or person you were with where the time went, really, really fast. If you can think of one awesome, if you can think of two, or three or four or five, even better. Anything come to your mind here in the audience? Times?
The last time I was having coffee with a friend, we tend to just get together and we think we're going to hang out for like an hour, and then it's like oh, we've been chatting for three hours.
Yes, so that person who triggers that, and that's also partially oxytocin, that feeling of like total calm and serene belonging. I love it. Any others that come up? Yeah, Erica.
Finding content for, I'm just starting a new business, so finding content to put out in the world on social media.
Oh, so when you are in the searching mode.
You tend to sort of lose, you get lost in the tunnel of the internet? Is it internet searching or is it book searching?
Both, okay, I also am a huge researcher and I often will lose a whole day in the mountains of my research, I totally have that. Any others? Yes, yes, yes.
Writing and storytelling.
Oh, okay, so storytelling is a specific kind of writing too that accesses a different part of the brain. Yeah?
When a book captivates me. I could just totally spend the whole day just devouring it.
And that is the greatest feeling when you just cannot put down a book. That feeling when you just are lost in it. I saw one other hand over here. Yes!
So I do monitoring and data science, so when I want my algorithm to get to work, I just like lose track of time.
So that is beautiful because it's a specific part of your work that you are finding gets that moment of complete mental bliss where you're totally focused on a the ask, I love it. So I hope at home that gave you enough time to come up with at least three to five activities to do. What we're talking about here is the power of capability, and whether you're talking to friends or you're finding an algorithm, or you're writing a story, that is a moment that feels like we are so good at this, right? I feel like I am so good at being with this person and connecting with them. I feel like I am so good at reading this book. That is actually a feeling of capability. And let me share some science with you. So 577 volunteers, this was a very large sample size, I love sample sizes like that. 577 volunteers were told to pick one of their natural talents, and this could've been anything, small and big, and they were asked to try to use their natural talent in a new way for week. So anything they had, they had to try to exercise that skill in a new way. At the end of the week, they became both significantly happier and less depressed than the control group. Here's where I think it gets exciting. That lasted six months later. That is an incredible lever that it could not only make you happier in the moment, but that actually that changed days with you with only one week of using that new activity, and that is because when we feel capable, when we are using our natural talent, it has a broadening and building effect, which we're going to be learning about today. It broadens to scope of that positive emotion, it bleeds into other areas of our life, and it encourages us to build on our already natural talent. Here's the problem. Happiness, as I mentioned earlier, is built on many emotions. And what I mean by that is happiness is not just one slotted emotion. We sort of list it as one thing, but actually it's sort of this big mountain that's comprised of all these things that build into it. So when we talk about happiness, actually, I should be mentioning a whole bunch of other words that go along with it. We're talking about awe, we're talking about belonging, we're talking about curiosity, about gratitude, about responsibility, about capability. All of these terms in some way are holding up that word of happiness. So today I'm going to be focusing on capability. Here is the science, and this study is kind of my least favorite study that I'm going to share today, and it's because it involves some animal testing. So if you are an animal lover, just listen with one ear. So this experiment, what they did, it was researcher Martin Seligman, is he decided to build this special cage, and what they were trying to test is how we react to negative circumstances. So in this cage, there was two different parts of the cage. The first one they had a dog and there was a small mat that was very, very lightly electrified. So they could send small electric pulses through it. And on the other side there was a normal mat, so it didn't get electrified, and they had this little barrier that dogs could easily jump over. So in phase one of the experiment, they turned on this very, very light shock, and immediately the dog would jump to the other side to get away from the shock. In phase two of the experiment, they added a barrier in the cage, so that the dogs could not jump to the non electrified side of the cage. What they found was, is that when they electrified it, the first few times the dog would try to jump over, but after a while it would just stay on the mat, because it couldn't go anywhere. In phase three, they removed the barrier again, and they sent an electric to the mat. This time the dog didn't even try to jump over. So even though the barrier was gone, the dog stayed on the mat. They found, this is something that happens with both humans and animals, and they called it learned helplessness. So learned helplessness is this idea is that we once had a power or capability or a freedom, it was taken away from us, or we couldn't access it for a short period of time, and then when we get it back, we forget to use it. Or we don't think we can use it. The most classic example of learned helplessness they give is with math students. So let's say for example a child takes a geometry class and oh, geometry is just not how their brain thinks, maybe they didn't get along with the teacher, so they're doing bad in a class, they get bad grades on their math tests. The next year they take Algebra, but they did so bad in Geometry that they just figure, I'm just bad at math, and so they stop trying on the math test, they stop studying, they try to get out of all their math test abilities. So in other words, a temporary label, they make it a permanent prescription. So when we think for just a second, this is what we're going to be talking about today. Is there something that you believe you cannot do or is impossible for you, and how did you learn that? When did you assign yourself that temporary label, or when did someone give you that temporary label? What they found with learned helplessness, there's a lot of really robust research on this topic, is it's actually associated with lots of different kinds of anxiety, phobias, and loneliness. That even in social situations, social anxiety, actually comes from an area of learned helplessness. Like for example, let's say that you went to a high school dance and it was horrible, really awkward, no one asked you to dance, you couldn't even talk to anyone, you felt awful. Next time later in life, you go into a nightclub for a friend's birthday party, and it instantly reminds you, I'm bad at dancing, right? But actually, you had a horrible high school dance, no one likes those high school dances, and so you get horrible anxiety standing in the nightclub. That is a way that that learned helplessness, that label that we gave ourselves in eight grade, stays with us. The other example here that I wanted to give is a little bit lighter. If you haven't thought of one in your own life is the movie Moneyball. So the movie Moneyball with Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill. There's a scene in that movie where they're talking about a baseball player who always hits singles, he's always getting just to first base, and one day the baseball player is like okay, today I'm going to hit a double. I'm going to get to second base. So he gets up to bat, he swings the bat, he hits it and he runs as fast as he can to first base and right as he's turning the corner to run to second, he wipes out and he's so embarrassed and he crawls back to first base ashamed, and he realizes his entire team is yelling, "Run! Run!" because hit a home run. This is this idea of learned helplessness that I think a lot of us have been swinging for singles, right? And we forget that we have the capability to hit a home run. So even when we have that opportunity right in front of us, we sometimes miss it, right? Because we're so used to swinging for singles. So I want us to talk about, how can we swing for more home runs? Are you hitting singles when you have the power to hit home runs? Very quickly in your workbook you can, if this reminds you of something, is there anything you've been swinging for for singles that you feel like you can swing a little bigger? You're shaking your head yes, will you grab your microphone and tell me maybe what pops into your head if you wouldn't mind sharing?
Well I don't, I know like so there's general things, but I'm not quite I have them articulated specifically. So I think a lot of mine has to do with community and getting myself out there in community. So I had an autoimmune disease when I was six so I pulled back and that served me well for a little bit. But now I don't need that anymore, and so I think that I'm hitting singles in that way.
And you're trying to remove the temporary label of what happened when that worked for you for a little bit to realize it's not working now. So as you go through the skill temperature exercise later, I want you to mark off if that single metaphor is popping up for you for a specific area of your life. In the words of Jason Comely, your comfort zone may be more like a cage you can't escape from than a safe place you can retreat to and that is a perfect followup to the example that we were talking about, that our comfort zone is a beautiful place that makes us feel safe, but sometimes it also feels like it traps us in. Yeah, sounds familiar, some a little less specific. I got some greens, yes, alright. So here's my big idea, is I want us to swing a little bit bigger. Specifically, I think that we have forgotten some of the happiness skills we actually had as kids. So day two, three and four, and a little bit of five too is about harnessing some of those skills that we might've had back in the day that we've forgotten to use, or forgotten to utilize. In fact, I think we forget how capable we are, and how much happiness that can produce. We often assign, or I want to be happier, or like I don't have time to do nature walks, or I need to take more vacations. Nature walks and vacations produce a lot of that happiness, don't get me wrong, but they're not the only thing. In fact, sometimes finding an algorithm for your job, or finding a really good book actually can trigger that happiness, and that is a much easier thing to grasp. So we're going to be harnessing some new talents and figuring out new ways to use them. In your bonus material, you have an exercise about what motivates you, so if you want to find that in your bonus material, I also believe that it is in, some of it is in the workbook as well, so you can use that if you have that already too. I want you to think about what are the different things that motivate you? Because when we talk about action, we have to talk about the things that spur action, right? What are those things that drive us? And I believe there are four different motivations. So I want you to think about the biggest decisions you've made in your life, some of the big choices. When you took a different path, or you decided to engage in a different career, what were those big choice moments, and there are four different types of motivations. The first one is by default. So a lot of the times we make decisions based on the default settings. The example I'm going to give you actually is a very personal one to me, were my high school choice of classes. I made choices based on default things. What everyone else took. I took the same classes that my older brother took a lot of the time because I felt like oh, that's just what you do. The second way that we make decisions is by should. So this is when someone says you should take all four lab classes, alright? Or you should take a foreign language, that will get you into college. So I also began to pick classes based on what I should do to get me into a good college. The third way is by the system. So this is when something is prescribed to you. So of example, there was general ed requirements in my high school and my college that I said oh, I got to take all of these because the system tells me that's what I need to graduate. The last one is by design. So these are the very, very few classes that I took because I genuinely had an interest in those classes. The problem is, is that when you think about the first three, there's some things that can come up. Not always, but sometimes. When you pick, when you make decisions based on those top three, you can often have those feelings of less fulfillment. You are less successful because they don't necessarily come natural to you, or they don't feel like they were your choice, it takes the control away from you. This is great source of unhappiness. And lastly, I believe this is where imposter syndrome comes from. We talk about imposter syndrome, it's one of the things I researched in my lab, and when I dig deep into the very base reason why sometimes we show up to something and we feel like we don't belong or we're a total fraud, that's the definition of imposter syndrome, I think it comes from original motivations that were not designed by us, that felt out of our control. The last one is where I want to focus. I want to start turning some of your day to day decisions into by design decisions, and this is why. When we ignore our natural talents, let's take my example. So for example, when I was in high school I really, really wanted to take AP Art History and AP Psychology. I love psychology and I loved art, but my college counselors were like oh no, no, no. You shouldn't take those, because they don't look as good on transcripts. What's going to look way better is AP Chem. Now I love science, but I do not like balancing formulas. So I signed up for AP Chem purely because I thought I should. So what happened is I ignored the things that I was naturally good at. So the default was also that AP Psychology and AP Art History were kind of weird classes, not a lot of people took them either. This caused me to have a very small, downward spiral. First, it was much less exciting. I kind of dreaded AP Chem. I was like ugh, I have AP Chem after lunch. I don't want to do it, I don't want to do my AP Chem homework. I was much slower to learn, right? When they pulled out those lessons, I just did not get them as quickly. I made way less progress than other students. I was barely getting B minuses. This was harder for me, I felt like I was left out in class. They were answering questions and I was barely getting by in the classes, which then made me feel totally unfulfilled. I hated that class by the end of the semester, and of course that made me feel like I was a total imposter, right? People would be like oh, AP Chem, and I'd be like no, no, I have a peer tutor, I'm getting a B minus, it's terrible, right? And that made me feel terrible all year long The same thing happens in much bigger examples. Let's take for example someone who is a photographer or had natural talents to be a photographer, and then decided to be an accountant. Why? Because photographers don't make a lot of money, you know, you can do that on the side. That's what people say. You should have accounting as a backup degree. So someone begins to take accounting classes because they feel like they should. A lot less exciting, they don't like their accounting classes as much. They finally graduate and they have a really hard time getting a job because they have a lower GPA than all of the other accounting students. They get into their job, they make less progress, it's a lot harder, they get less raises, they become behind in their work, that leaves them unfulfilled, and it makes them feel like they are an imposter at work. You have people who are like why am I even in this job? This is the power of a downward spiral. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Anyone ignoring some natural talents? Yeah, and this can happen in both small and big things, right? Where we ignore things that came naturally to us because it wasn't good, shouldn't do that, default was different and the system said, don't try that. I think the solution here is mastery. This doesn't necessarily mean a huge career change, but it does mean trying to find small kernels of capability in everything that you already do, because that broadens and builds. So utilizing your greatest talents and skills to feel accomplished, capable and powerful. Dr. Barbara Frederickson, as I mentioned, created this broaden and build theory. Very specifically, it's actually a very simple theory. What she found it that single, very small positive emotions, especially like pride, efficiency and capability, those are the ones that really get us going, tend to spur on broader thinking. So focusing on these single kernels of when do I feel pride? When did I lose track of time? That actually brings, even in a job you don't like, or doing a bigger activity you don't like, it makes that activity a lot better, and it makes you feel more fulfilled before and after you do it. So if you flip it, according to Dr. Barbara Frederickson, we get an upward spiral. We get, we start with a natural talent that makes us feel really capable. We're like yeah, I'm a rock star at this. Then it makes us feel more efficient, right? If we're good at something, we're faster at it, we do it better than everyone else. Then what comes next is we become successful. People notice, wow, she's really good at that, wow. She gets that done way faster than someone else. And then you begin to get more raises, you begin to get more promotions, and then you feel really proud. You're like yeah, like I do this, I feel great that I'm being recognized for it. And of course this leads to more fulfillment and greater happiness. It is the opposite of that downward spiral when you focus on those small capabilities. I call this the designed life. Once I sat down and I started cataloging my decisions, I realized we are making dozens of decisions in a single day. Everything to am I going to cook dinner, or am I going to order dinner? Am I going to drive or am I going to take an Uber? Am I going to say yes to this project? Or am I going to say no to this project? Am I going to ask for help on this? Or am I not going to ask for help on this? We are making dozens of decisions every day, and the question is, what is motivating those decisions? How can we make the right ones that make us feel capable, and give away the ones that don't make us feel like we're using our natural talent? In the words of Abraham Maslow, "If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being you will probably be unhappy all of the days of your life." I also think this is about utilizing our full potential. Alright. Ah yes. Regret. Regret is one of those emotions that I think it's the kind of root of a lot of sadness, where it makes us question our past. Some people say that it's not a very productive emotion, right? I actually think that when we focus on designing our decisions. When we think about the moment we make that decision, how it's going to fix or contribute to our fulfillment, it is the antidote to having regret later, and I want us to live a life where we are regret free. We also heard about positive psychology, right? Flow. How many have heard of the flow concept? Okay, good. So I didn't want to spend a lot of time on this but I had to mention it. The other thing that happens when you focus on capability is this beautiful concept that comes from positive psychology called flow, which is that when you are fully immersed in a felling of intense focus, you get energized, you are fully involved, and you have more enjoyment in that activity. This in turn, of course, part of the designed life, makes you feel more productive, more fulfilled, and more effective. So capability is also very tied in with that concept of flow. Now I've been talking about careers, right? Because things. Being an accountant or making these big decisions. But capability is even the smallest things. Your seed of capability can be anything. For example, has anyone seen the movie, Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Great documentary. He spent 10 years perfecting the perfect sushi rice, right? And this gives him an intense amount of fulfillment and pleasure. So it doesn't have to be a huge life changing thing. When you feel really good at something, even making the perfect sushi rice, that seed broadens and builds in other areas. By the way, I have a ton of mastery heroes in our 21 day follow up. So if you are getting those emails, be sure to sign up at SciencePeople.com/ on day two we will send you examples of other mastery heroes who have really unique talents. It's not just the big ones you've heard of. So let's go into an activity. You guys ready? So at home, I want you to pull out your workbook and go through this activity with us. We're going to try to identify some of your capability areas. So if you turn to the What is Mastery section, I have a couple blank questions for you in the workbook. First question, what do people as you for help with? In the audience, what do people come to you for when they ask you for help with things? By the way, take your modesty for a second, your humility, I love it, and just like put it to the side just for a second. So take that modest humility. Yes?
Oh, book recommendations. That is such a good mastery area. Okay, I love it. Any other ones? Yes?
Restaurant, okay, because you like cooking too, so you're a foodie, I like it. Yes?
A wedding, a birthday.
Bridal shower, baby shower, anything, well these are good.
How they should deal with difficult situations.
Oh, and that's a deeper one. I like it. Did you raise your hand? Did I miss you? Okay, so these are, I mean that was the perfect broad example. This is how we're going to start to identify some of your natural talents, right? A lot of times when I ask people what are you good at? What are your natural talents? People are like I don't know, and they start listing their resume skills. I like resume skills, but let's put those aside for a second. Book recommendations, helping people through difficult things, helping plan a bachelorette party or a bridal shower. Those are the smaller natural talents I actually want us to focus on. Alright, now a harder one. What special talents have brought you to where you are in your life? So when you think about the decisions you've made, some of the forks, right? What special talents caused you to make some of those decisions to bring you right here, even in this room? I know this is a bigger one. Yes?
Something around my drive for self growth.
But that's not a skill.
No, that's a skill, that's skill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm so glad you said that's not a skill. So, I believe that almost everything, there's a kernel of a skill there, right? So I would say the kernel of that skill is curiosity, right? That you are highly open, or you're a fast learner. That would be a skill that I would add in there. So if you have something where you're like, well I'm really good at that or that's a talent, but that's not a skill, there is a skill lurking in there, we got to find it. Any others? Yes.
Listening and observation. Being able to ...
Okay, so listening is a really good one to have. I'm not as good at listening. I get really nervous. For those of you in my master of people skills class, I'm an interrupter. So if I interrupt anyone today, or the next few days, tell me. So listening is an amazing natural talent. Any others? Yeah.
Oh, so like mental endurance, or physical endurance?
I say for me specifically I've had a lot of rough things happen that I've had to just last through. And it involved physical things as well because I had an injury, but definitely just lasting through, continuing on, keep fighting, keep going.
It's almost like psychic endurance, right? Like emotional endurance, right? Like you know that you push through, I like it. I labeled it, but you can label it whatever you want. I love endurance. So I want you to think about these, three or four of these ones. Next one, what would your friends say you're very good at? So a couple of your answers earlier are like planning things. If I asked your best friend right now, if I texted them and I say give me one thing that you are very, very good at, what would they give for you? Because sometimes if we're feeling blocked, this exercise can help. What would your friends say you're really good at? Any here in the audience? Yeah.
Listening, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes?
Writing. And that was different than your first one.
Yeah. It's of funny, right? (laughter)
But no arithmetic, but yeah. (laughter)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any others? Yes.
Keeping good company.
Oh, yeah, being good to be around. I love it. So that's a great interpersonal talent or skill. So I want you to think about these, by the way at home, you have the benefit, if you can't think of any, you can text your friends and ask them. Giving them the opportunity to compliment you. Now let's formalize this. That was kind of the warmup to this. In your workbook I have a big chart, this is the complimentary chart to your chart of happiness. So your skill temperature chart, this is a big one, and I think we have over 40 different skills that I have listed here. So this is a very specific chart of skills, and I think that most of the ones that you guys brought up would fall into one of these categories, but I also have blank ones at the end. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to pull out your workbook, pull out this skill chart, and I want you to do three different things with it. Again, there are three columns, same with your chart of happiness. First, look at the skills. Underneath each area, I want you to actually write down specific examples for you, right? So kind of customize that skill specifically for you. Then I want you to give it a rating. This time we're doing one to five. One being like ugh, I am not good at this at all. Five being I'm a master at it, okay? And then the last column, and this is your most important column, is how are you currently exercising this skill? What are you doing in your life to exercise it? And it might be nothing. You might identify a skill that you realize oh my gosh, learned helplessness, I have not been using this skill at all. I used to do this in college, but I'm not doing it at all now. Like one of my previous beta students, one of her skills was like spontaneity, like being really open but with a spontaneous flare that in college she was always the one that people would pop by her room and they'd hang out and do something. But ever since she left college, she's no longer in a dorm. So she realized she loves being spontaneous but she never uses it. Everything is planned weeks in advance with friends, and that is something that she missed. So I want you to think about how are you using it, and if you're using it at all. So here are the three different areas. Here's an example. So here's one of the skills that's in here. One of the skills is conscientiousness. By the way, I spent a lot of time combing and combining these skills into the right categories. So conscientiousness, are you organized, thoughtful, efficient and good with routine and details? Are you a planner? If this doesn't sound like you at all, you'd be a one. If this sounds a lot like you you'd be a five. So let's say for example you're a five in conscientiousness, I want you to get really specific with those activities. For example, let's say that someone says, oh, I'm conscientious in all areas of my life. At home, I am typically the one planning weekend adventures. I'm the one planning the trips, I'm the one Googling and researching things to do. Oh, I also do it at work. I always volunteer to coordinate the office parties. I love it, I love being the one that orders the food, and orders the decorations and assigns roles. And I love doing it for fun, I'm a big scrap booker. I have lots of keepsakes and photo albums. Right, get as specific as you possibly can. Bonus challenge for you, at home especially, is think about what are the three different ways you use it? Home, work and play. Do you use that skill in three different areas? Hopefully you can find ones for all three, and if not I'm going to give you lots of ideas for that tomorrow during play storming. Here's the biggest thing, the next step. So once you fill out your skill's temperature after your chart of happiness, is I want you to look specifically at the fours and fives. Okay, those are the skills that are like yeah, I'm really good at this. And then I want you to start to identify the gaps. Where are the skills that you feel really good at, but there's no activity for them? Or you use it a lot at work and not at home? Or you use it a lot at home but not at work? Where are those gaps? Those are the specific areas that we're going to be focusing on for the next few days. Here's some really cool symptoms of mastery. So when you find these areas, and you find new ways to utilize your talent, it typically sparks all these other really cool emotions, right? Pride, excitement, accomplishment. Also, we are playing Tetris, alright? We're playing happy Tetris where I'm asking you to explore these skills. Every time you think of a skill, it's going to simulate new ways for you to use it, right? I have a lot of people who tell me, you know sometimes when I have the day off, I don't know what to do with myself. Right, I have the night off and I'm like, what do I do? So I just turn on Netflix and I watch Netflix. Or I have 20 minutes, I don't know what to do so I turn on Facebook. These are for those moments for you to think about, what are some things you can do when you have a full day off or a 20 minute free time, how can you use those in different ways? I believe they are much more invigorating than Netflix or Facebook. Sometimes when we are low on energy, we typically go to our lowest common denominator activities. Our fives, our neutrals, but those do not give us energy. I want us to be focusing on designed choices that actually spur action. And lastly of course, they create upward spirals. This is really helpful in work as well. So this is not just a personal thing that we do. So at Google, they actually used this research and designed a study called job crafting. So what they did is they had Google employees, and they gave them happiness audits, very similar to what you took at the beginning of the course. Then they asked a certain group in Google to use some of their natural talents on the job. Now they didn't help them find these natural talents. They just said hey, you have a natural talent, I want you to spend some time trying to craft your job to use them. Six weeks later, this is crazy to me. The job crafting group was 70% more likely than their peers to land a promotion or a transition, 70%. Now let me just break this down, compared to the control group. They were not given a prescription, they were not told, we're going to change your job, we're going to meet with your supervisor and change your role. All they were told is, hey, if you can use some of your natural talent in the next few weeks, please try. What happened was is when those employees began to think about their skills and use them in new ways, they became more efficient, they became more capable, they were happier at work, and that was noticed by their colleagues and their bosses. So they were 70% more likely than those control groups to land a promotion or a transition to a role. This is an incredibly powerful study that this doesn't have to be you're going to go quit your job, or you're going to go talk to your boss or supervisor and say I'm going to have more happiness. These are very, very small things that we can do. Ah, of course, that group was also significantly happier and felt more effective. So even if that 70% at promotion didn't happen, they also felt better in their role. Special note. You might be surprised. So again, when you're doing this skill temperature, do not give me aspirational answers. Give me answers that you would even answer for your 10 or 12 year old self. Sometimes as adults we're so used to what we're good at and what we're bad at. Or we say oh, I'm so bad at singing. Oh, I'm so bad at organization or routine. I want you to think about what would your younger self answer when you were a little bit more open, a little bit more experimental. What could possibly be an answer for you? We are already on tomorrow. So, tomorrow we are going into day three, and day three is about play. So remember how I asked you to fill out the activities that you're using to exercise a skill. If you have a lot of gaps, that is okay. If you have a lot of four or five activities that you're like oh, I don't use these. Tomorrow I'm going to give you a play storming chart, which is literally hundreds of ways to exercise each skill, and we're going to play with some of those ideas. So if you have gaps, do not worry. So challenges for today. You're homework before starting tomorrow is please take your skill temperature, fill out that chart. Second, what are your top skills? What are your fours and fives? And which one do you exercise most? Usually we have one skill that we're exercising all the time, and then a couple others that don't get any love or attention. Bonus, if you can, if you're so mathematically inclined, please sit down with your chart of happiness and your skill temperature, and figure out where are you spending your time? How many hours are us spending on 8, 9, and 10 activities? How many hours are you spending on one, two and three activities? And how many hours are you spending in your skills? Those charts are meant to go together. If you want, you might even come up with a cool pie chart for yourself, right? Are you spending more time on negative or positive? Neutral or skill based? Kind of interesting to see where our time tends to go. So it is that time to do some of our what did you learn most today? Remember that in the workbook I have extra credit prompts for you. So you will notice in the workbook I have a bunch of extra exercises for you to do at home. So when you have time, please go through and kind of do these exercises, they're mental warmups. They're all in the workbook of you. I didn't have time to cover everything in every day. And I am ready to ask you guys, what is the most important thing you learned today? So any happy ah-has? And at home, if you could tweet me your happy ah-has, I am @Vvanedwards on Twitter. I love to learn what you learned. Yes?
I really loved how you framed the idea of capability and the upward spiral. To me I was thinking like, it's that idea of like do what you love, follow your dreams, follow your passions, but that's kind of really vague.
And I really like how you broke it down and it kind of makes sense.
So thank you for saying that. You will notice I will not say in this course ever, except right now, find your passion. What are you passionate about? Just do that. I was given that advice for years, and it always either angered me, confused me, or it made me feel worse. So we are not going to be talking about finding passion, we are going to be talking about skills. So thank you, yes. Yes?
I loved the part that you brought up about building your by design and using your strengths to follow everything else that you do in life.
I think as a control freak, or a recovering control freak, that often times this makes me feel more in control. Like if I'm making decisions by design, I don't feel like life is happening to me, I feel like I'm designing it. Even in those really small decisions. One more happy thing. Yes?
I love, I really connect to what she said, and what you confirmed about learned helplessness, about having the temporary label, the permanent prescription. Those things that served us at one point in our life, and they don't serve us any longer.
And moving on from that, and jumping over that barrier.
Okay, so I'm actually going to assign an additional bonus homework right now if you're watching. So if you had a little trouble with that temporary label to permanent prescription, after you're done with your skill chart, I want you to go back and look at each of those skills, and ask yourself, were any of these given to me? Or was there a moment where I thought I wasn't good at this? Especially for your ones, twos and threes. Just give them a little extra thought. We're going to focus a lot on the fours and fives, things we're good at. But give those ones, twos and threes a second shot. So if you think that you're really not conscientious, think about, was I ever told that I was unorganized? Was I ever told that I was a bad planner? Did I have a moment where I felt like ugh, I failed at this? I want you to question your ones, twos and threes, and don't just focus on the gaps, fours and fives. I think it's really important to look at how those ones, twos and threes came about. Yes?
So to follow up on that. For like the ones, twos and threes, if you know that that was, like if you're questioning that and you know that that was sort of given to you as part of your downward spiral, and you are now in an upward. So for example in my case, I was in a downward spiral. I'm now in an upward spiral. Most of me knows better that these are my natural talents or that kind of thing. But then that little inner critic, or I don't know, something like the negative bias, or the little voice sort of nags a little bit. Do you have any insight into how to deal with that?
Okay, so if you have those, things that you're like oh, I'm not sure about this, or I feel guilty about it, I want you to put a little start next to this in your chart of happiness, because those are going to be your happiness experiments. So tomorrow in play day, I'm going to give you a list of hundreds of activities for each skill. We're going to code those activities with pluses, minuses, and question marks. The question marks are the ones the are exactly that where you're like maybe? I'm not sure. So those will be what we turn into your happiness experiments. So I want you to put a little star note next to those, because that will make actually play tomorrow a lot easier. At home please, please, please tweet me what you learned today. I will be giving the best tweets, people who tweet all 10 days, a copy of my book Captivate. And tomorrow we will be playing together. So bring your best play overalls, and I can't wait. So we're going to stand up, do a little dancing outro. Can shake it out. You want to give us that nice music. (dance music) (muffled by music) I like it. I'm thinking we should do high school dance moves, right? Like a little ... Little shopping cart, what? What? Look at this one.