Working with Other People
When it comes to relationships, you, right there in that chair, you're in a constant, constant state of manipulating both yourself and those around you to get what you want. So, you manipulate yourself and you manipulate them in this little dance of bullshit that you do. Now, I know that sounds as cynical as all hell like, "really, I'm just a manipulator? "Is that like the limit of it? "What happened to the good grace "and the love of the..." No, you're a manipulator. Come to terms with it. But, if you think about it, how else could you really explain the, kinda wall of complication, confusion, and complexity of some of your relationships? Some of them just don't work. Some of you... Who among you like you give people little compliments to have them relate to you in a certain way that you like; how many of you do that? Like you're a compliment giver? Oh, you did so well. Very, thank you. That's an example of manipulation. Most people say "well, I'm just being nice" and about how come? ...
(audience laughs) How come? Oh, just to be nice. Then you'll see there's a little more to it if you follow it down the rabbit hole. Some of you, in your life, you impress people with how you dress or what you're up to. It's all to manipulate and shape the way that they see you. So you're up to manipulating people in all kinds of different ways. Some of you don't talk too much because I'll be well thought of by not talking too much. And that chatterbox Scottish man, people don't like that. So, let's find out from you. What is it you do to have people see you in a positive light? What do you do? Right there, Scott.
Make them laugh.
You make them laugh. You make people laugh and they'll see you in a positive light. Alexis what did you have?
I compliment people.
I compliment people.
But I want them to compliment me.
So you want a compliment back? (audience laughs) Yeah it's like, "You look so great". (audience laughs) Yeah, Taylor?
I only talk about stuff that I know about.
I only talk about stuff that I know about so I sound well informed. Very good, Deborah.
I impress them with my credentials.
I impress them with my credentials! Deborah MBA, DWDF, PQSY, Certified! (audience laughs) Right?
Award's, honors, yeah, speech. Statues that I've got.
I'm helpful and I do the work.
I'm helpful! How many of you are helpful? Oh yeah, I'll help. Oh, this is a good one, how many of you help and then resent them for making you do it? (audience laughs)
That lazy buffoon.
And it's so like, "Can you help me move a sofa?" "Absolutely I'll help, why do they always ask me?" Yeah, what else Nick?
Apologizing if I'm not to blame.
All right so the apology police right? Like, "Oh yes I'm so sorry and I don't "even know what you're talking about" (laughs) What else do you do to have people like you, Karen?
I be nice.
I be nice, I be nice. Many of you would say that's something you find yourself doing a lot like being nice to people? Keep your hand raised if you often have the experience of being taken advantage of with that. All right, what if that's what that's really about?
Oh yeah. (Gary laughs)
What if you're maybe proving some point? Alright one or two more, what do you do to have people see you in a positive light?
Talk less so I can... That makes sense, good yeah.
I dress up or dress down depending on how I want.
Dress up, dress down, how many of you do it like the visuals? Yeah? All right. How many of you don't care whether people like you or not? That's what you do to have them see you in a positive light. (audience laughs) I don't care what you think about me. (audience laughs) Mary Lee.
Kindness, or being kind.
Different than being nice.
Yeah, yeah it is, Shelly?
Tell them what I'm up to.
Tell them, like "I'm up to big things"? Oh yeah, like "I've got a big plan." Yeah sure. (audience laughs) How many of you do that? Are you like, "This is my year for world domination!" (audience laughs) To get me seen in a positive light. Dave, what have you got?
I pretend to listen and care.
Oh that's good. (audience laughs) All the people in your life are watching this course like, "Knew it!" (audience laughs) I know. See, so like "Can I ask you a question about that?" That's what you do, right something like that?
All right it's very good. Good to get the cards on the table, Stacy?
I just smile and "Hi".
All right so you're fine. Really, like "I just broke your window" "Oh, that's fine." But you're actually standing there like, "I hate these people!" "I hate them all!" "I hate you all!" "Why don't we move house!" All right, one or two more, what do you do to have people see you in a positive light?
See I know stuff. That's good maybe you know stuff. And then you can't resist, in a social setting, getting it out. "Oh yeah that reminds me of something I read back in the 80's!" (audience laughs) Ava, what you've got? What do you do to have people see you in a positive light?
Yeah, smart ass right like, "You'd never have guessed." (audience laughs) That was me being a smart ass, but she's doing it too. All right but you can see we're always at work on it. In one way or another finding ways to get people to play our game. You guys get that? And you'll even, like, manipulate yourself to do it. So you'll pretend that you're fine and you're furious! "Oh no, it's fine, really." (audience laughs) Right? Like suppress, squish it all down. "I think I need to do a course or two." Good. (laughs) All right, now. Let's flip it over. What do you do when they don't respond to that? (laughs) Now we're getting to the dirt right? Like, "Aw, gosh!" Alexis what do you do when they don't respond to your manipulation?
Like, "She's a bitch".
Very good so you're like, "She's a..." right? Tough crowd. Scott.
I take my ball and go home.
I'm just out of here. How many of you are out of here when it doesn't work? Yeah, Sarah?
I get louder.
I get louder. All right very good, that's good.
Use a second tactic.
What's your second tactic?
Probably being funny.
Being funny, and then what do you if being funny doesn't work?
Start talking and don't stop talking.
Right, so you'll just talk. You'll just relentlessly "I'm gonna grind you down!" Yeah, I totally get that.
I'll flirt and flatter and do like...
So flirt and flatter but what if the point where they're just like, "You're getting nothing"? The thought right there is just "You're getting nothing" they're just looking at you like...
I'm invisible, I'm bummed out...
Yeah like, "I'm out of there?" What else, Ava, what do you do?
I actually get really angry and then I try to go and show you, I'll take action.
Right, so you're like an "eff you". (audience laughs) Oh yeah? My stuff not working to you? Let's take this up a notch. All right Kyra what you got? What do you do?
I throw that shit right back at them.
You just throw it right back at them? You're not working to me either then? (audience laughs) My stuff doesn't stick with you? Well this is Teflon now! Stacy?
I just shut down.
I just shut down, how many of you shut down? Right and again if you're watching this online you want to really look at "What do I do to have..." Just look at any relationship in your life, "to have people see me in certain light and then what do I do when they don't?" All right, so "what do I do when they don't?" Yeah, Dave?
I'll have a few drinks and watch YouTube.
"I'll have a few drinks and watch YouTube" I get that.
A lot of times I'll just write an email saying, "remember I'm a volunteer and you're "stepping all over my feet you know?"
You'll get defiant about it you're like...
I'm just reminding them that they're not being respectful of my volunteer work.
Very good, I will make a formal complaint. (audience laughs) There will be a formal nature to this email that's coming your way, you can count on that. Right? I know. I get it, I totally get it.
So they better say "You're welcome" or I'll volunteer for someone else.
I totally get it, I'll take my kindness to other places Mary Lee?
Find a different place or look for a different place to belong.
All right, so I'll just go to a whole different thing I'll do something else, yeah. Last one, right there Jessica what would you do?
I actually obsess over it, make it a project. Like, "I'm gonna win".
All right, she's gonna strategize here. Now, why do you think that's important for people to see us in the way that we want and then all the work that we have to do to make sure that happens? Why is that important for us as human beings?
Belonging. What else, one or two more, Jen?
To create the world we want to live in.
We want to create the world that we want to live in which is a problem because there's seven billion all crying for the same air. Last one, Deborah.
Connection, tribe. I think they're all valid. Well, they are all valid, of course. But you'll see you want your relationships to have a certain kind of tang to them. And part of the problem is that your relationships are very often a function of people not conforming to the way you want it. Like how you want this thing to go. And you're happiest when it seems like the people in your life are seeing it your way. Are we all agreed? (audience laughs) Right, and they're all hating like, "Yes we are, we're agreed". But invariably you'll also find that when you're stuff sticks you're good and when it doesn't you'll find a way to make them or this thing wrong. It's your go to. I want you to consider the end relationships, that's the only two modes you've got. They're either responding to your manipulation or you're making them wrong. That's it, there's nothing else to it. And that's why sometimes you think it's going great and they're saying nothing. You're like, "We get along really great" and they're like "Okay then". And some of you, by the way, aren't in a relationship right now because you're still trying to find that person who sees it exactly the way you see it. Like, "Oh yeah, that's what it is. "I haven't found the one who's just like me." Or you end it like, "We didn't have anything in common" Well aren't you human beings? Yeah, but that's where the similarities end. (audience laughs) So we can see then what you do in relationships and then we can see what you do when they don't go your way. Some of you isolate, some of you fight back, some of you put the manipulation into overdrive, some of you are strategic and turn it into your life's project. Which was very impressive, if not a little creepy. (audience laughs) And really you got to hear your own absurdity in what I'm saying like, "What am I doing?" "I took an architecture class just for that?" "So that I could draw plans of people's houses?"