You, The Judge, Jury and Executioner
You are all so judgemental. (audience laughter) Some of you are like, "What? Me? Judgemental?" Yeah, you, judgemental. You, like all human beings, make judgements about the people in your life, and then you filter their actions thereafter through your judgment. So, in your relationships that are stuck, here's what's stuck. Whatever judgment you've come to. And then, they get to live the rest of their lives inside that beautiful little box that you made for them. And if you don't believe me, just for a moment, we'll do a little, brief exercise. Think of some of the people that are contacts in your phone right now. Just, have that thought like, "Who's in my phone? What's some of the names that are in there?" All right, now think of one right now, just one person that's in your phone. Now, imagine the phone was to go off right now. What's the first subject that person's gonna talk to you about? Just shout it out from your chair, what are they gonna tell you? Shelly?
The house she's clos...
ing on tomorrow.
The house they're closing on tomorrow.
Your niece, what's she gonna talk about?
Oh, she's gonna talk about your niece?
All right, he's gonna talk about my niece.
Something she needs.
Something she needs.
Their health problems.
Their health problems.
Something that went wrong at work.
Something that went wrong at work. One or two more. What's the first thing they're gonna start talking about? What's the subject, you know, as soon as you see their name you're like, "Ah, here we go."
The weather, all right. All right, last one. Jan
Money. They're gonna talk about money. All right, do you get how automatic all that is though? Like, you haven't even said hello yet, and you know where this puppy's going. (audience member chuckles) And, by the way, even when you recollect that person in your minds' eye, you've already made up your mind who they are, who they're not, and who you're gonna have to be to manipulate this person to get what you need. Including manipulating yourself, to manipulate them, to get what you need. And, that's part of the reason why, in many of those relationships, you never quite feel like yourself. You never quite have the experience of being free to be yourself. It's too much like hard work. All that strategy. You do this based on what they wear, their gender, their height, the color of their hair, their age, the color of their skin, how they act, everything. And, by the way, these things, if you think about those people in your life, can be both positive and negative. So, by the same token, your mood might perk up when somebody calls you. But it's the same kind of self limitation. It's the same limit of that, like I'm expecting them to be this way, and then when they aren't that way, you want to talk to them in such a way to get them back to the way that you say they are, even if it's positive. They're in a box. Just like anybody who you have some kind of negative opinion of. So, the next time you reach for that phone, just for a moment, pay attention to yourself. Start to get aware of the thoughts that are running through your head right there as it's happening. What are you starting to predict? That'll give you a little insight, a little preview, of some of the judgements that you've come to about the people in your life. It's actually really refreshing to get that you're judgemental. Like, "I'm not judgmental, my mother is." (audience laughter) Which is a judgment. (laughter) (audience laughter) So, unfortunately, these things that we seem to have figured out about other people in our lives, limit the relationships to where that is. There's nothing new available. Some of you are like, astounded that your parents have friends. (audience laughter) You're like, "How could anybody be a friend of that?" (audience laughter) You're in your own little box there. (audience laughter) And you even say to yourself, "Well, yeah, I mean they are their friend, but if they knew what I know, they wouldn't be their friend." (audience chuckling) No, they just, they've got them in a different little box than you, and you somehow just think, "Yeah, but that's not reality. This is reality. This is who they really are." Some of you have got a spouse who'll tell you they love you and the first thing you're thinking is, "What do they want?" Like, they can't even say that to you without you being suspicious that they're up to something else. (audience chuckling) "Oh yeah, you love me?" (audience laughter) "Where's my wallet?" (audience laughter) Like, really, there's no way this person could love me. So, often, by the way, those very things can lead to the demise of a relationship, Especially in our love relationships, but in our families too. They become jaded. They become predictable. And, quite simply, they just prevent your relationships from ever evolving into something new. It's a case of a same old, same old, and then you die. Those judgements aren't the only things going on behind the scenes of your relationships, there's an underlying pattern that pervades all of them, and it's a pattern you've developed to get along with people. So, getting along with people, or at least attempting to get along with people, looks a lot different from one person to the next. Perhaps, your way of getting along with people is actually to keep them at arm's length. To never be vulnerable with them; Never truly let them in. Maybe it's a way of being cold, like being indifferent. Perhaps you're just the opposite, like we've talked about, maybe you've got this pattern of excessive niceness in the hopes of staying on everybody's good side. Some of us would rather avoid vulnerability while others seek to avoid conflict. Some of you use that charisma of yours to keep people at arm's length. Either way, this is a part where we're gonna have to take a look at your relationships and start to confront something that you might not like. But, you'll be a better person, with better relationships, for it. It really does take you guys looking at your life and your relationships. And. we're not gonna be general here. Like the way, I'm being very general right now in the way that I'm creating this thing with relationships. We're gonna zero in on one. We're gonna pick one that doesn't, that's just not going well for you. Certainly not the direction you would have chosen. And, then you're gonna have to start dealing with that relationship. And, I'm gonna show you how to deal with that, and I'm gonna show you all the ways that you can screw this up, and then you're actually gonna go and turn that thing on its head. And, as is exemplary in all of the work that I do, then you're gonna start breaking your life down relationship, by relationship, by relationship. So, we're gonna get to the bottom of the current state of your relatedness to the people in your life. Are you ready?
Yes. All right, good.