Your “Abandonment Issues”
Who here would say that they have abandonment issues? How many of you feel like you've had that in your life? I got abandonment issues, I I know some of you are like, not I. (fingers snapping) Here's the news. You all have abandonment issues. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean there are times in your life where you completely abandon who you are and what you're committed to. (audience laughing softly) You all have abandonment issues.
You'll too readily abandon what it is you're really after in life and usually by the way it's followed on by some big juicy, meaty justification. So when you're faced with something that you don't like, don't want, something you're uncomfortable with, you're angry about, or disempowered by you abandon. "I'm done, I'm out." And the relationships you most struggle with there's a point where your abandonment issue comes up. The point where you're about to abandon all that you would say you are in favor of some seemingly negative thin...
g. Those are the moments when it all turns predictable for you. So this isn't a process, by the way, that you cognitively think about in life, it's automatic. You're like, you know, like I told you when I was at the door with my mom, the thoughts and the emotional states just, (fingers snapping, exhaling air) I didn't, that wasn't a conscious thought of mine it just came up. It's like the train was about to leave the station right there, you know. And some of you when you're upset like that it's like Elvis has left the building with you, you know, it's all, you've just vacated and they get your most reactionary self. If you're gonna be successful in relationships, you must clearly identify your, and I'm calling it your abandonment issue, right. And you're gonna have to learn how to shift gears, like I had to learn how to shift gears on the fly. You have to learn. Now as we talked about, knowledge is power here. Knowledge, awareness, action, and intuition. It's like it's been being informed about why you abandon. And when I say abandon, I mean abandon something that you said you were really, really committed to with a person in a relationship. Abandonment issues the way I'm creating here are relationship based with other people. And you're gonna have to find a way to be your greatest self. So, who can give me an example and if you look in the relationship that you're choosing to work on what's the big judgment, or the big justification rather, you say to yourself when you abandon it, that relationship, that is when you turn your back on it like, "to hell with it." What do you say to yourself in that relationship, Cierra?
It's not my fault, she hurt me first.
It's not my fault, she hurt me first. Boom, right there.
I tried. Very good.
It won't make a difference anyway.
It won't make a difference anyway. What else?
They're just co-workers.
They're just co-workers, beep beep. Very good, Marshal?
They don't care.
They don't care, they don't care. What else?
I'm right; he's wrong.
I'm right. Whadda ya expect. Shelly?
He's not really committed.
He's not really committed. Very good. So then I can just abandon this. Boom! (giggling) What else? One or two more, Desiree?
She's avoiding reality.
She's avoiding reality. (laughing) I love it when you think you're the one in reality. (audience laughing) Like, like, really. Everybody, reality is subjective. Scott?
They're being unreasonable.
They're being unreasonable. I mean, if they were just being reasonable, I'd be fine. Alright, one more. What do you say to yourself? Marilee?
No one would take me seriously anyway.
No one would take me seriously anyway. So, I want you to get, you guys, there's a very predictable way that you will turn your back on it and abandon it. And you will justify it to yourself. And you need to be at the source of that. So, it's kinda like this. If you take out your little abandonment issue card. And if you're at home, you've got a downloadable form where you would fill this in. And you want to fill it in, you want to have the practice of writing it out, because it's where it gets real for yourself. So then, you'd ask yourself, what are you abandoning? Really, to get straight with yourself, "What am I abandoning?" So, it might be, what I'm abandoning is a life of joy. What I'm abandoning is love in my life or connection, or understanding, or. I'm abandoning that. And then, you'll ask yourself, "Well, when I abandon," I say, And so Scott says, "They're being unreasonable." That's what he says to himself that justifies the abandoning. And then, "When I abandon, I feel." So there's an emotional state. And again if you focus in on that relationship, it's gonna get specific to that relationship and how you turn your back on it. And you're like, indignant and justified about it. And you'll get this about yourself, you guys. You get indignant and justified. Alright, every justification for being this way, like, "I tried," or "It's not making any difference." Like it's supposed to. And then there's the action. What is it you do? 'Cause there's a, "And then I do this." And you will find, that that you say, that experience you're having, and that that you do is cyclical, predictable, and in fact the more you uncover it, you'll see you do it with a lot more people than just that person. This is how you are in relationship, when it's not going your way. This is what you do to manipulate it and be able to explain it. Does that make sense, you guys? (audience agreeing) Alright. And this is really critical. Breaking it down like this. To start to see those little nuances of you. Like, "Oh, wow! There's that thought again." Drawing some distinction between you and this. This, isn't you. This is an example of your reactions that you haven't been responsible for. That if you were responsible for it and owned it, you could actually start to get more evidence for the kind of you that you say you are really. You can't say "I'm loving, I'm a loving human being," and then get in an argument with your dad and say, "I hate you." What's going on there. You're either loving or you ain't. You can't be a little loving. It's like being a little pregnant. Kinda mostly pregnant. No, you're pregnant, you ain't. You're loving or you ain't. And if you're loving, then you gotta hold yourself to it, instead of justifying yourself and abandoning it. And I really mean it like that. Like I just abandon. So, on the flip side of your card, then again on your worksheet if you're at home. What's the action you're now gonna take the kind of action that's an example of your greatest self in relationship. And you ought to take that one relationship, with that once abandonment issue broken down for yourself, and the new action that you're saying, "When that's there, here's what I'm doing." So with my mom it was, "I love you." And I gave her a hug. I just take that on now. So if I ever experience myself getting pissed off, I'll just tell her I love her. It's amazing. Just do it, "I love ya." She's kinda looking at me like I'm an idiot. But it's fine. You're relationships won't change until you change who you are in them.