Intervening with Yourself
Are you starting to see for yourself here, like something about yourself of why you tolerate, why you justify? It's something more at the heart of it. It's like what's at the heart of those areas of your life that don't work, 'cause mostly you can point to the area, but I'm more interested in the you that doesn't work in that area. What it is about you? And some of you already know. You've spent your life saying, "I know I'm the problem!" (audience laughing) How many of you of you, "I know it's me. Why am I even here? I know I'm the problem." But it doesn't make any difference, (laughing) Let me tell you about these jerks. (laughing) Now what? Oh, I see, I'm unlovable, or I don't think I've got what it takes to get smart at college, so what. Or yeah, I don't think I'm ever going to make it financially. Or yeah, nobody cares but me. Now what do you do with that? I want you to really have a think right now. Now what? What do you do with that? Knowing that, seeing that? Jessica?
any new opportunity to change it. Even here, like, how is this going to be different? Because I've tried before so.
Yeah, will this be any different? Will this really change it? How many of you have tried before with that area of your life? I know, right, like, with my finances I'm gonna spend less. Or I'm just going to be vulnerable. Taking on being vulnerable, but has it made the difference though?
Not at all.
Yeah, all right. Well, that's as good a answer as any. What else, though? What do you see for you?
You talked about the bucket that we're carrying around that I'm sitting here thinking about that bucket. And I kinda roll back and think about how many times I've just tried to tip that bucket over and just spill it out, dump it out. And it's like the stuff in the bucket just is very, it's packed in real well and it sticks real good.
Yeah, you've set that thing in there. There's some-
It's a bucket of cement, yeah.
Right, right, so you've had times in your life when you've really taken on dealing with yourself yet somehow it sticks around.
How many of you have had that experience, and some of you might even had the experience of I think I'm onto something here. I think I might have the answer, Gary! And yet, somehow, the darkness creeps back in. How many of you have had that as an experience? So kind of like Scott's experience there. Oh, yeah, it's great, it's a great note. But what else? What do you see now? Like, we're seeing this, we're seeing you at play. This kinda internalized you, now what? Marilee, have you got a microphone?
I think what I've found in your talking, my issue is with my husband. I was number 10 out of 12 kids, grew up in a small town. And when you're on that end of the family, everybody knows you, they know what to expect. You just kinda have to play a role. One of my issues has been the procrastination, but also time, always late wherever I go, to try to get a group of 12 in one place on time. And I think what I've always wanted was someone to see me beyond my habits of being late, see me beyond my family image, and just see me and get me for me.
Yeah, how many of you can identify with that as an experience?
And the only one I gave the chance to was my husband, so I wanted him to, because your husband's supposed to love you and know you more than anybody else. You know, that intimate part. And I realized that's a big burden on other people to see beyond my bad habits and how I irritate them, et cetera. But I put it on him and my hope was in him to give me that intimacy that I was looking for. And that's why I'm here. I mean, the intervening part it hasn't happened yet. And in my business it's like what stops me, I think doing that next step to be successful, I'm afraid of that. It would take me away from the home. I will take me away from my husband if I'm busy and out and about. It will take me away from that last hope I had, that chance I was putting on hope for someone to see me. And just me, not what I do, what I give.
Yeah, can I offer you something right there? Can you stay standing, we'll give you this little piece? What if the success of your business would actually finally have you be seen and you're avoiding that?
Then what I'm afraid of, it will be seen because all the things I was doing to fill the void, I'll be doing what I'm supposed to. I be following, I'll be on time, I'll be making the money instead of wasting-- all those things I was using to fill my time, now I'll think well, it's an excuse. Now I have his attention because I'm making money. Now I'm doing all these things, supposed to do, and it won't be me, it will be my performance and my accomplishments and not just me.
You'll perpetuate the myth of I don't matter.
Which is what runs you. I'm not seen; I'm not heard; nobody gets me. There was a reason why you told me 10 of 12. You're preparing me for what I need to know. Do you understand?
You're like setting me up so that I relate to you in a certain way. But everybody in this room's doing that. Like I'll circle back to Shelly. Shelly's whole thing with people is back off, yet I'm not loved. Yours is like, you have successfully set yourself up to disappear into the background. And everything you just told me there about your business is how you're about to justify continuing that. About to set yourself up again to do it. And then the you that you're saying is at the heart of it all continues. Does that make sense to you?
You don't get to be visible. You get to retreat in, and how many of you have gotten into a relationship with someone and you saw something in them that would make you better? Come on! (audience laughing) How did that work out? (laughing) Yeah, it doesn't always kinda turn that way. You complete me. (laughing) And sometimes it does. How many of you get a little sense of yourself in what Marilee was sharing? You can definitely hear yourself in her? And that's a big part of being here is can I hear myself in this other human being? Where am I doing that; where are the places? And that's a way that you can actually contribute. You can contribute to people in that kind of environment where you're sharing you're real life concerns. All right, so I think it's time for us to kinda get to work here, don't you think? I mean, there's been a lot of crying, (laughing) Crying's fine; crying is fine; crying's fine, all right.