Uncovering your Upsets
If you've never noticed this before, each of you, if you look at your upsets in life, we have a very, kind of unique flavor to 'em. There's a kind of you-ness, (laughter) about your upsets. Right, you don't tend to get other people's upsets, you tend to get yours, mostly. What we're out to do here is uncover the unique, unmistakable flavor of one of your items, a problem identity, if you like. So, this is an opporunity to really examine a single item in your life, to take it apart, to get to the very heart of it, to transform how you are in that area of your life. Now, it begins with your thoughts that you're having right now, some of you said, "What thoughts?" That's one of your thoughts. If you're looking at the area of your life, pick one area, right, and we just did that there, if you think of that area, that was on your mind there there's a kind of cycle of thoughts in it, same thoughts, very typical, very standard, that are there whenever you're kind of present to that area of yo...
ur life. And that'll be, the thoughts will all have the same kind of nature. So, if you're somebody who procrastinates, so you push things off, what are you saying to yourself when you're doing that? Are you thinking about the stress, or the pressure, or the impossibility, or the "Why should I even bother" of it? So who can give me an example, if you look at that area of your life again, and again if you're online right now, I invite you to take an area of your life that you feel as if it's just, you're not free to be yourself in that area of your life, it's not going the way you want, and I want you to observe it and look at it and ask yourself, "What do I typically say to myself "when I'm in the middle of that, "when I'm experiencing that?" So who can give me an example of what you say to yourself when you're in that area?
I can really stick to my eating program and be very proud of myself, and then get overwhelmed and just go, "Oh, heck with it," and just like, blow it,
I already blew it, and it's sort of like, then I hate myself.
Alright. So I got that, so then the area of your life that you... How many of you can hear a little bit of yourself in what Jan's saying? Where's the hands, where, right, that's almost everybody. Alright, so. (laughter) So the area of your life that you're talking about is in your eating regimen and your weight, right?
And then, there's times in that whole discipline when you feel as if, "I've been doing pretty well, "I think I'm doing pretty great," and then there's these other times when you say to yourself, "To heck with it. "What's the point, I've already blown it anyway," like you might have had, you know, a cookie too many or something. Alright, that's a great example, alright, who else? Who else can give me an example of an area of your life, what is it you actually say to yourself in that area, so what do you say to yourself? = So, around money, it's always like, I always need to do more, what am I not doing, what am I not thinking about, what have I not locked down--
Alright, so let's, let's cut a little deeper at that, right? So when you realize that here you are again, what do you say to yourself?
When is it going to be enough?
Very good. So when's it going to be enough. You guys can just hear in that statement, like the emotional draw of that. You know, and you're mostly saying this to yourselves. I got that, alright. And then right next to you, Cami, what's the area of your life and then what is it you say to yourself?
Relationships with some family, and it's kind of over there first, like well, they're an a-hole, and then it comes back that I don't have the skillset to navigate through that with those people because they're so unreasonable.
Alright. So then it would be kind of like, I--
So it's like--
I don't know what to do with these people.
Yeah, I don't know what to do. Yeah.
Very good, how many of you have got some kind of like, "I don't know what to do" in your life, in the area you're talking about? Alright, very good. Alright, who else can give me a sense of what it is you actually say, ooh, we get Taylor. You guys are like The Three Degrees over there, like, oh, (laughter) You have to be a certain age to know what that was, but anyway, so.
So the area is self-expression, with other people,
And I notice, when I'm with large groups of people, such as when we gathered last night, that I will just not talk to people, and I'm like, "Why can't I just," you know, "have these people know "who I am," I have this experience of, I don't really, I shouldn't be here...
Like, these people all know each other, and talk to each other--
Alright. So then when, so when that's happening, so you've got to picture for yourself... And this is for everybody, but you've got to picture yourself in the moment. When it's happening, when you're doing this, you're saying to yourself what?
"Why am I even here?"
"Why am I even here." Do you ask yourself what you should say? Or do you not even go there?
I don't, sometimes, I just...
But you're, won't it, there's a nature to what you're saying to yourself.
"I'm not like these people."
Awesome, "I'm not like these people." See how that rung your bell? Right, and that's not a new thought for you. That's, like, a thought that you have in life, "I'm not like these people," and again, for the people that are watching this online, you've got to really look at what the area of my life that, where am I saying these things? Because we don't, we don't examine, we don't cut below the surface. So one of the things, I'm gonna offer you something here, okay? So one of the things that you deal with in life is being alone, in a group. How many of you have had that as an experience? (laughter) I go in a group of people and I'm kind of like, "Hi." (laughter) But then then there's those of you that are very charismatic about it. But you still have the experience, that you're like, "Hi!" (laughter) "I don't fit in here." (laughs) How many of you have done that, some version of that? (laughter) Like, have been totally there? Alright, that's a really great share, that was an awesome example, alright, one or two more of the kinda area of your life and it what it is you say to yourself in that area of your life.
So I've got four different businesses, and one of them is just barely skating by, and I say to myself, "It's not worth the fricking stress."
Alright, very good.
And, then I say to myself, "I care more "about their jobs than they do."
Alright. So... (laughs) (laughter) Oh boy. Alright, so you say to yourself, "I care more about this "than they do, I care more about their jobs than they do, "I care more about this business," how many of you have that as an experience, like it seems like you care more than they do?
Alright, now again, there's a dynamic there.
Right, even in that little bit of dialogue, it's like, "Me, "and these burdens of mine." (laughter)
And they're my best friends, and it kills me.
I got it, yeah. And then you'll find, like, now, do you express it or do you mostly just kind of get on with it?
I have, and I have and I have, and now I'm just stopped, I've just, like, avoided the situation.
Alright, so like, powerless, resigned, can't do any different, make any difference with it, I'm just kind of stuck with it.
Alright, and you'll notice, by the way, in those statements that you have in yourself, like I said early on, there's an emotional weight to them. These aren't just, like, flirty little thoughts traveling across the surface of your brain and whispering often at a distance, these are like, "Ugh. Agh." Right?
I wonder where the breaking point is, and where I'm gonna just say "Fuck it."
Right, so you're kind of looking for, where's this all going to just come to a head and I'm done.
Right. I'll offer you a little something about, that's actually... That's actually part of why you're doing it. So you're, as I like to say to people, you're building a case for something. And you'll get there. (laughs)
There's no way.
(laughs) Alright, that's a great example from Dave too. Alright, one more person, Desiree. That's by the way, just so you guys in the back know, this is the hot corner right now, these guys are like, (laughter) These guys are like, on it, anyway, go ahead.
Procra... Where's my procrastinators? Some of you couldn't even get your hand up, there. (laughter) Some of you are like, "ah, I'll get to it in a minute. "Put my hand up later, I swear to god I'll do it, "I'll do it in an hour or two, I'll get that thing going." (laughter) Right, so you procrastinate.
Yeah, in every area of my life.
Right, in every area of your life. And then, what do you say to your... So give me, give me one specific place where you feel as if you're just, you know, pushing it too much with your procrastination in that area?
Well, I'm packing my boxes in my living room that've been there for a year and a half
There's only, like, five left.
Right, so those five boxes sit there like a monument to your procrastination, right?
Yeah, it's awful.
Like, we worship at the altar of the five boxes every night, when I, when I come in the house...
I ignore them.
Alright, so you ignore them. And by the way, there's a great little, kind of metaphor there for people. Like, how you'll just put up with it and eventually just live with it to the point where you'll even be like, "I don't know, throw a couple of cushions "on those things and let's..." (laughter)
Occasionally I put up a screen.
So you put a screen, to cover them up (laughs) That's so good, isn't that great? Like... (laughter) Talk about metaphors, for the love of gosh, like, "let me get a screen." (laughter) "Let's build an extension on the house, (laughter)
"for these five boxes here." No, but that's a very real thing, though for you, because every time you look at those boxes you think what?
Why can't I get that done, it's not even a big deal? Why let it sit there--
Right, see, you guys get that.
And eat at me,
Very good, right,
'cause it does.
Right, and you can see like right now, that's just five cardboard boxes we're talking about. See how that's kind of got a grip on her, like right there? (Desiree laughs)
It's not about boxes. It's about her relationship to herself. This isn't about boxes. If it was just about boxes, this would be fine. But this, there's actually some recognition of herself when she looks at those things. And she has to experience herself in a very distinct way. That experience of yourself, like "Why can't I just do it," which by the way is firmly rooted in something like "I can't."
"I can't do it."
Which doesn't make any sense.
Well, it does if you look to your whole life. 'Cause you'll see, like, some trail of that inner dialogue about your capability.
It's just showing up in five cardboard boxes. But it's about some greater sentence that you have with yourself, and I don't mean sentence like a grammar, I mean like prison, like a prison sentence.
That makes sense.
Something you've sentenced yourself to, like, "I can't do it." And you'll see, if you, again, follow the trail, if you look at the nature of what you say to yourself about, in those areas that aren't working, and you follow the trail, there's a very unique you-ness in there. There's a very distinct kind of you, applying it. Alright, awesome, thank you. Can we just give a little round of applause for everybody that shared there? (applause) All right. And, you know, you guys, look. Firstly, the kind of conversations we're having here, that's what it looks like to examine your life, that is how this course is going to continue. We're gonna keep looking, we're gonna keep digging a little in. Some of you already, see, you're like a volcano waiting to go off. (laughter) Alright, like, "I can't keep this in for another minute!" I've gotten here like, Niagara Falls pouring out of your eyeballs. But that's how it is. Like, we retain, we retain, we get over, and retain, but there's no letting go. There's no release. It's just, in the bucket, in the bucket, in the bucket.