Fight Bad Habits
Here is some bad habits of listening. If that's what we're suppose to be listening for, here is what we tend to do. Interrupt. Excessive nodding. I would also call this Cory, waiting to speak breathing. I'm like uh- You can tell that I'm preparing my lungs. This is actually very distracting and it looks like you just want them to finish so you can talk. So a little bit of nodding lo them know you're following is good. Excessive nodding pulls the attention back to you. False confirmations. What is a false confirmation while you're listening to someone?
Them just saying, yeah totally or giving you positive reinforcement without actually showing that they're listening.
Yeah, and this is a problem because if someone is talking you go sure, yeah, okay, uhu. What are you signaling that you might not want to signal?
That you're not listening.
Well, that's true. It could be like-- It just seems like-- It's like your dad reading the newspaper or your mom reading the newspaper. You're li...
ke mom-- She's like huh. And you're talking to her and she goes, yes honey. What do you need? And you can tell she's not really listening to you. It can be that. But what else does it sometimes do? Especially in like a professional context? What's dangerous about it?
You could be giving-- You could be reflecting that you believe what's being said or done is correct or okay, and it's not. And it needs to be changed to correct it.
Slam dunk. Broke the backboard on that one, Scott. Yes. You're telling people. You're telling people that you agree with them when you might not agree with them. So you're trying to be positive. I'm listening to you. I'm following along, but what you're telling them is, I agree, I agree, I agree. And then later it makes it really hard to say, I disagree. Because you already told them I agree. So now they're expectations are he agrees or she agrees. And then you say no. So we want to stop that. Is there one of those or any other listening habit that you have that's really bad? I want you to just write it down. There is one you know you do over and over again. That you want to commit to breaking. Okay, what's one. Tell me. What do you have for me. Yeah.
Mine is interrupting. Not like to be rude but, just to try and like connect with them. To be like, almost like trying to finish their sentence, so that they know that I understand what they're saying. I catch myself doing it.
I just interrupted you, it's perfect. Perfect. I thought you were done. Finish your thought.
And I catch myself doing it and I'm lik uh-- Yeah, I'm like oh no. I didn't-- And it almost feels rude. That's my bad habit. I definitely need to break. In a professional setting and a personal setting.
We do the same things in work and home. So it makes sense. It is rude. You're not trying to be rude. You're not a rude person. But you're doing a rude action. Yes. Interrupting happens. And I know, I'm really depleted, or I'm in like a bad head space when I'm trying to finish people's sentences. That means I'm not really present. It's more about me than them or the situation. I know I'm being a little bit self-absorbed when I'm finishing people's sentences. I'm not being open and curious and playful and creative. I'm being certain. I want to be right. So watch yourself. And what I'm connecting to is think about what might be operating in the background behind the interruption. Maybe it's different every time. But especially the finishing the sentences. There is usually something going on for us in those moments. Great! Let's hear one more. Yeah, Ruben.
For me it would be false confirmation. I think I use it as a mechanism to relate to them and then it could be sending the wrong message.
We've talked about this-- You're such a kind person. When we have sweet people or nice people, we have to teach them to sometimes, just modulate it, not get rid of it. For you it's going to keep coming up. You're kindness, your sweetness, you're wanting to connect is going to come over and over as both your greatest strength and your achilles heel, right? They say that weaknesses are just overused strengths. So great, we found another time it's popping up, right? It's like whack-a-mole. Right? So we'll juts keep working with that. That's a theme for you. So when I'm coaching you think about if you were coaching me and I was Ruben, or you were coaching Ruben, you at the beginning when we're meeting, you go God, this is a really nice guy and that's going to be great for him, we want to super charge that and we want help him master that, so he can be choiceful or intentional-- Choiceful about what he does with it, right? And that will come up in his home life. It I'll come up in his work life. It will come up when he's trying to coach someone. He won't challenge people probably, right? So the same thing is for all of us. We just found one of Ruben's. It's the same thing for all of us. I talk too much. I have to learn to say a thing and shut up and let it land. Right? That's just of everywhere for me. It also helps me to lead this class, which is good. You're all sitting here, listening to me talk for three hours, thank you. It's my dream. So, ask quality questions. What is a quality question? They're short. Long, long questions means you're not really probably clear on what you're asking. So if you ask a really long question, you might just want to pause it and say, forget that for a second. Let me re-ask that question. Or someone looks super confused, you probably just asked not a short question. or maybe you asked it so short and it was unconnected they don't know what you need. You need to add a little bit more. That's rare, but it does happen. Try to focus your questions as a coach more on what instead of why. Why becomes a crutch. Why did you do that? Why did you do that? Then you're just diagnosing roots, roots, roots. There are times, to go into the why. The reason we say what, not why is because we tend to over rely on the why, and not the what. What does that mean for you? What's going on from your perspective? What's possible if you shift that? Right? That's a little bit more powerful often than why. Even if you do sometimes need to get to a why. Even when we get to why, what are we going to do about it, right? That's the part of coaching, it's about action. Performance, progression. Yeah? Okay. Context informed. Sometimes you can even let them know. Here is the context and then based on that here is the question. You said this, here is my question. I heard this word, what does that word mean to you? Cory, you said choiceful, what does choiceful mean to you? Why did you say that instead of just like-- That's not even a real word, right? It's context. Past, reflecting and future tripping, are dangers. Sometimes the now means, you're helping them vision for their future. What kind of leader do you want to be? What kind of career do you want to have? But it's not about what's going to happen then. You're actually doing the work right now. So I'm just going to keep bringing you back to that. Okay? So, what I'd love then is just for someone to quickly share a situation that they need coaching on, just an area of your life. We can do better than that. Pick one that you feel comfortable sharing with the group. So everyone just write down one thing you could use for this. What could you need coaching on? What could you need to get better at? Something that's comfortable to share. I'm not going to make everyone share it, but just so you have the option. What's going to happen is, someone is going to listen to that person say what they need coaching on. And you're going to use your listening skills and you're going to end on a powerful question. You do not need to go into a full coaching launch with them you're just hearing what the cocern is, or what the area is, using some of the listening skills, and then ending on a powerful question. And then I'm going to pause you. Okay. So I just want to hear what it sound like. And we're going to get an opportunity to get coached and here are the people to be coached. Who is willing to share one, and who is willing to be the person that listens and ends on a powerful question? So first, who will share? One person that will share their area. Sam. Awesome. And who will be the listener? And use those same skills to ask a powerful question? Don't leave our boy Sam hanging. It can be me, but it's boring if it's me. You know I know how to do it. Who will try, so we can see what it's like?
I can try it.
Yes, Christine, awesome. You two are a power pair. Can we get a little high five between you two. You guys need to have bff necklaces with the broken heart down the middle. Sam, I'm going to leave up some of the listening skills for you. So you can see-- You can just remember what you might do. Right? So, again, she is going to share an area she wants coaching on, okay? You're going to share. Christine sorry, I'm talking to the wrong person. You're going to share-- He's going to share an area he needs coaching on. All you're going to do then is you're going to listen to what he says, use a listening skill, one of them, or a couple of them, and then end on a powerful question, right? So we're just getting into, what does this person even want? They're stepping into your room. You're mentoring them. You're coaching them. They're your client. And Sam, you say, what do you want caching on Sam? And Sam says, here is an area I could want coaching on.
Here is an area I could use some more coaching on is being more comfortable and confident in front of groups of people and cameras, and I can elaborate on that too. Part of the reason is because I feel like it would make me a more impactful facilitator, a better educator and just a better contributor to the world and to my company.
So what is it now that's currently making you feel like you're not a good--
don't have a strong presence.
Oh yeah, in front of a large crowd.
Great I'm going to pause you. Perfect so round of applause for that first. Yes. Both of you being in front of cameras is always a little uncomfortable. So first I'd say pretty good question. Kind of led him in, so what right now-- You're trying to figure out what is he actually feeling. Why does he think he's not good? So you're kind of going into his understanding or his conception of himself. Right? What does he think why it's happening? So that was good. What I would say is. We might wan to-- before we ask that question, use one of the listening skills. So if we were to just rewind the tape, he ended talking. What's a listening skill that would be appropriately based on what he said?
I'm going to go back.
You can look up here too at one of these?
Yeah, maybe I could have listened for some spike words better.
To see if it would trigger anything.
Do you remember any of the ones he said?
Yeah, that's great nervous. So now we can kind of like, even if you had a little note you can write nervous. and we can find out, what does nervous mean to him? Because everyone's nervous is different, right? So we can look there. That's great. Another thing we can do. If you're ever not sure what to do first, bottom line what he said first, so he knows you've got it. He just introduced, here is what I need coaching on. You're just sitting there blank, in your head you're going I get it. What Am I going to do next? But one of the more masterful skills, is to say, be with Sam first and let him know I got it and then move in to where we're going to go next, right? So what would a quick bottom line sound like of what Sam said?
So just so I understand what you want to improve on, you want to become a better communicator, and have a more powerful presence in front of a large group of people so that you are less nervous and it helps you grow into better presentation skills or something.
So what you're noticing, you can hear it when she's talking, right? She's getting a little long. Do I need to say this last part? Probably not. Probably right up to that part where the voice was confident. You could just stop. Because again were bottom lining. Not parodying. You don't have to say that much. If you miss something. He'll correct you or add it in. So it's the confidence to say, I don't have to get it right, I'm just showing you I heard you and you can always correct me if not, right? So that was a pretty-- How did that sound? Did she miss anything in that bottom line?
She got it right?
I agree with you that I felt like she nailed it, and then she elaborated even further and it was like oh okay, yeah.
So for you then-- Now were stepping out of coaching Sam and coaching you. One thing we're going to look at is you having the confidence to find your landing point and stick it.
And stop, right? So I would keep interrupting that pattern, oh right there. And you'd start yearning and feeling when's that good place to stop and bottom lining. That's an example of pattern interruption, right? In our coaching. Fantastic. Round of applause for both of them.
You did a great job.
Yeah great job.
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