Tools For Cooling Down
So one of the things to do is recognize when you're triggered, what you're adding to it, everything is a story, how does this end? It was a dark and stormy night and the minute a story starts with that, do we expect sunshine and roses? No, we tell ourselves stories day in and day out. In fact it's the human condition to learn by story. That's how we have evolved. Our written language is pretty late in this, in this scene. We tell stories and we fit our life into these stories of who we should be there is that should word again, we're fitting whatever happens to us into the story of what we think should happen. So from that story we get expectations and those expectations can be the things that set us up for stress. I know it's sounding a little bit like a circle but follow me here. So when you need to cool down, one of the things I love to do is use questions because curiosity is a frontal lobe function. And when you ask a question, you're automatically powering back up your frontal lo...
be, which is a good thing. So some questions to ask are I call them the three watts and a hoop. What's the data? What's really going on here? Because we're not, we are, most of us when we're emotional, we have gone to conclusion, we have skipped way beyond data hopped a few assumptions and we've gone to conclusion and blame. So taking the breath and asking yourself what is the data? Why do I really know here? I know that this person standing in front of me as I rate, I know that I'm pretty angry too. I know that what she just accused me of, I don't think is true, but that's the only data I have here. I don't know really. The part where I think she's hated me all along and I really think she wants my job and she can't wait to get rid of me. I'm making all that part up. So what story what expectations am I adding to the picture? Own it, own that we do that. So when you're upset and you need to be cooled down. Try and sort those out. What's the known and what's the part that I'm assuming Most people know that assuming makes you know what of you and me. It's um but we do it and we we do it because it's what humans do. They need to make assumptions. We need to make stories because it allows us to predict what could happen. And remember our first duty is to say safe. So those predictions are part of what we're supposed to do. I'm supposed to decide if what that face you just made at me. He didn't really but that face that you just made it me, I'm supposed to be able to predict that means that you're about to say something nasty to me. So I should get my defenses up because if I need to protect myself from you, I need to know to do that. He totally didn't make a face. But you can see why that's part of our safety net. And that's great when it's protecting us. But when it's getting in our way, it's not so great. So by stopping in the middle of this and allowing yourself to have some questions, you can really save yourself a lot of heartache and it takes a little bit of courage to be honest about this. We are pretty tied into making up stories and spreading them. We have entire industries devoted to it and and lots of fans. We love a good story and there's nothing like feeling like somebody else is the problem to make us feel better. So the third question to ask yourself is what's needed now, you've checked in what, what's really needed in this situation. Maybe it's an air was saying maybe it's for me to get out of this situation right now, so I can think clearly, maybe that's what's needed right at the moment is I need some space. Maybe what's needed is I need to protect myself. I need to be aware that I need to protect myself because I am in danger. Maybe what's needed is recognizing that I'm really the person who's whacked out because I missed a meal and I haven't slept and I'm probably not my best self. And what's needed now is for me to step back before I do something really stupid and get the face palm concept going. And isn't it interesting that we face poem? We're bumping up our frontal lobe when they show pictures of people stressed, They show them all doing this. It's like we're supporting the very part that needs supporting in that moment. Just an interesting observation. So what's the data, what's the story we're adding, the expectations were adding? Are we expecting ourselves to have made the right choice or are we expecting that? We should always be nice. Are we expecting something that isn't realistic or that we don't even know for sure we're expecting that person is going to attack us and we don't we all know that right now then what's needed? What do you really need for this situation? What's called for? Right at this moment I want to practice the breath work and then I want to take some questions on this. So we're gonna do the 555 breath again and this time I'm gonna have you asked yourself a little bit different questions why you do it? So just pretend that you've you've been upset by something and I want you to take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. And as you breathe into account of 345, think about what's the data that you're dealing with holding And out 2345. And as you breathe in 2345 and hold what are the story and expectations that you're adding and out to three four five and in think about what's needed now hold 23 45 and out physically mentally emotionally and spiritually And in 234 five holding who do you want to be in this situation And out to three 45 And just take one more in 2345, hold 23 for five, out to So hopefully you're getting the idea that you can combine breathing with thinking we're you're probably pretty coordinated at this point in your life and can breathe and think at the same time. And once you get used to the rhythm of five, you kind of know in hold and out. That's when you can start to ask yourself some questions. If you're as eric was saying in the moment, triggered in the moment, nobody knows you're doing this. That's one of the beauties of it. You don't have to close your eyes and put your hand on your stomach if you practice that. Other times when you're in the meeting and your trigger you can just slow your breath down. You know what's really fascinating. I was doing this organizational effectiveness project with this group that were contentious, would be a mild word with this group and I sat in the middle of this group and I just started slowing my breathing down and I looked around the room and I've seen all these people like so getting heated, their breathing on the upper chest which isn't really healthy and it increases your sympathetic nerve tone. And I just kept slowing mind down in response. And I watched as other people started to rhythm with me. It's really quite fascinating to see what power it has. And once you get good at slowing it you can then stop and ask yourself if you don't wanna do these together, take your five breaths and then ask your questions. What's my data, what's the story, what do we need and who do I want to be? So hopefully by having some tools to just cool down. And some tools to kind of switch it up a little bit back to your frontal lobe, you can get back that control