Where's Your Pain?
Welcome back to week three we are going into an intense part next lesson is where is your pain? So what I'm going to advise people who are listening is that this is an exercise we're going to have to feel your feelings somewhere you're feeling they're gonna be positive some of them are going to be very painful so what I'm going to recommend is that you take really good care of yourself and if you're not sure how to do that, then maybe you could imagine taking care of a small child who is completely dependent upon you for self care that means drink a lot of water if you're really upset don't do it just take really good care of yourself that's your job now why am I asking you to do this, not to torture you? I promise I absolutely promise that that's not what this is about um you were talking earlier and he said this is not reality tv this is transformational tv that's what we're hoping to accomplish with this when you look at the most painful times in your life what you find out in short...
order is that the most painful times in your life stand in stark contrast to you morse most deeply held values, so if you want to know who you are and what you stand for, look at the most painful times in your life and they will illuminate who you are they will illuminate what you stand for and they are the opportunity for you to learn the most profound lessons for you that you can actually solve a problem for yourself when you learn a lesson and you solve a problem for yourself then you can create a solution for other people you could be of service to other people you see all that soul very different in terms of positioning then saying you just need to master your craft just become a better writer just take better photographs just, you know, learning different crafting technique right very different message very different message but I can I stand behind this one hundred percent this is the keys to the kingdom if you think about it this course is titled fulfill your creative purpose what is more purposeful and more meaningful than taking the most profoundly painful times in your life and transforming them into a purposeful lesson that is a definition of a life well lived. The fact is is that we are not going to escape suffering it's part of the human condition the buddha tells us this jesus told us this and victor frankel who wrote man's search for meaning which I suggested that everyone read or listen to in the enrollment extra bonus with this exercise he tells us and he's proven through his school of psychology that when people find meaning in their suffering like some of the holocaust victims did, they actually had a higher survival rate an interesting, the same horrifying conditions when they attach meaning to it, they had a higher survival rate so here's the good news? We're not in survival mode, we're not him, some of us maybe, but in general, if you're tuning in, you're actually probably in a pretty decent space you probably have the ability to create a purposeful enterprise to what degree I don't know, but it's possible because you have the resource is to watch this course and to do these exercises and to take the time to reach out and connect to other people's here in a good place. See, I'm also actually asking you to examine your pain and put it in context because somebody always has it worse than you d'oh, somebody that's not to minimize your pain, it's just too put it in perspective. It doesn't have to level you can actually inform you. All right, that makes sense to everybody. So what I ask you to do is look at the three most painful times in your life, an audience. I've asked you to take care of yourself if you can do it now you've got enough privacy and space do this exercise right now, because there's no better time than the present. If you feel like you're going to be distracted or if you're sneaking into view at work well then maybe this would not be the best time to do the exercise but if you could do it now, do it now and get yourself something to write with or uh word document whatever you like you know, whatever it is that you like to write with, go ahead and do that and then what you dio is just choose the three most painful times in your life whatever it is that pops into your head I don't want you to think about this I want you to feel about this so don't like rank oh this was one no, this was no this was really number one no, this was to send number three don't worry about it just whatever pops into your head whatever it is you're feeling just feel it because as artists that's our currency is emotion and I mean all artists here we all deal in the currency of emotion every one of us so once you have identified the three most painful times in your life I mean the exact moment where were you sitting? What were you wearing? What do you remember about it? Who were you with? What was the weather like? What? What what the bedspread look like whatever detail you can recall, it'll help this exercise be even more impactful so don't make a general statement like that time I went through a divorce okay that's not as constructive saying when I took my wedding band off and I slid it across the table and the table was oak and I had tears bawling I was bawling tears rolling down my eyes and the sun was setting on the ocean and we were supposed to be having a nice time and yet here I wass I was declaring the end of my marriage to get the idea versus saying when I got divorced paint a picture and really get into it get yourself some kleenex and I mean I'm half joking but I'm half not when I say when I work with artists who one on one I say look if you are not bawling your eyes out and blowing snot out of your nose, I don't think you're doing your homework right feel it feel all of it and then once you have poured it all out and you've explored all your feelings, look at it read it you can even spill some more if you want and then pick three words three feeling words of how you felt like I felt shock I felt despair I felt betrayed I felt disappointed I felt shattered you feel those words as I say them you feel it that's what you want to dio identify your feelings this is how you get to your purpose this is how you get to you there's nothing more unique to each one of us here and every one of you watching than your own painful experiences the crosses that you have had to bear and every single one of us bar none has had to they're some kind of cross and it's no use in comparing that's not a comparison exercise you've had to deal with pain and if you haven't you're gone it's part of the human condition so explore this I promise you this can actually lead toa amazing insights and shifts and your perspective one of the things that I notice with the artists who I work with is that they start talking about these painful moments and there cryin and there's not coming other knows and it's great really because in short order they're gonna be saying they're gonna be describing it like yeah like it's nothing because they've taken it out of this painful traumatic context and all of a sudden they have an investment in that lesson and now it's not about the pain that they suffered and how they were abused and how they were beaten and how they got you know even like people were raped I mean I feel I've had a look horrible horrific things have happened to some of my artist clients and they can talk about those things and you realize that the lesson that they learned and the resolve that they gained by surviving has made them who they are, and there they are, stronger people for it. And I feel like I have such deep empathy with their honesty and their ability to be vulnerable. I have great respect for them when we go through this process, it's just changes my view of them traumatically, it's just it's it's just amazing, because that will make sense. Does anybody have any questions? Because I really wanna stay connected with the studio booth it with the online audience because I want them to understand this lesson it's really important lesson and it's the foundation of how they will arrive at their purpose. All right? So here's, the brave in studio audience who has had a bit of an advantage because they've had the home some of the homework in advance and they were able to share some of the things that they have endured in their life, and I'm not going to pick on you, I'm gonna ask you to volunteer, and then I'm gonna pick on you if you don't, your bravery and your vulnerability is gonna help somebody else watching, though, so I want to encourage you, and I'm happy to share the painful experiences in my life I'm not ashamed. That's the other thing that's so cool about this is you're not ashamed about it anymore because no reason to be ashamed because you learned something from it so we're not doing shame we're not doing embarrassment this is a respectful and safe place got it okay and that includes anybody in the mastermind group or anyone on chat please please please please be sensitive and make this a really comfortable and warm and nurturing space so thank you for volunteering can you share what was the most painful time in your life? Do you want to hear all three of them are on? Just just do one we'll start with one little bite sized memory bite size pieces. Okay, um so I was single and living in san francisco. I had a boyfriend who I had been dating for four years and I found out that he was cheating on me and it wasn't just like a one time thing. It had been an ongoing thing that I was unaware of. So, um I felt so betrayed by that because I really believed in that love that that love was there and that was so important to me I thought we were going to get married and because of that betrayal I was devastated I was immobilized for a long time, it really affected me and I was angry I was hurt, of course um but I was really, really disconnected from the person that I am you're the person that I wass because it just threw me for a loop so that was all over the three feeling words that you chose to describe that time in your life betrayal, betrayal, anger, anger and hurt and hurt okay, so I'm not gonna ask you to talk about the two other times in your life, but I'm going to ask you and I'm going to ask the audience to notice this did you see a pattern or repetition of the same hurt in each instance? Can you tell me of the three times what was the common theme? Um it was having someone else's actions affect me in a negative way. The three feeling words then we talk about the three feelings were what was one feeling that seemed to travel throughout each one of the three most painful incidents that you notice anything hurt hurt definitely. Okay, so give me a little context for the hurt the herd came from was there like a common theme about that hurt? Um it was similar not not necessarily common. Okay, um and it definitely was someone else's actions hurting may because of being disappointed by my expectations of them ok, that's much more precise, so you had an expectation of someone you were disappointed and that created her in each instance that's a that's a pattern that you see right? Okay, it's, not psychotherapy. This is not what we're doing here. We're doing a very high level, you know, purposeful, deliberate exploration of emotion and pain as it results to the lesson learned that's the scope of this exercise does that make sense? We're not getting to notice how I'm not I'm not inviting you. You need to go into the whole story the whole backstory that's not the purpose of this it's just to get to that those specific emotions, a recognition of pattern and the lesson learned so let's go to the lesson learned so what did you learn from that betrayal? And from that hurt caused by someone else's action, that disappointment? What was a lesson that you learned? I learned how to, um I learned how important it was to be honest and that loyalty was key in my life, and it taught me to be compassionate and kind to other people. Um and so is that been a value that you've maintained since that betrayal, that honesty is core to what's important to you a core value? Yes. And I would say, I don't I only know you so well, but I can see that's true I mean, I feel that about you that is something that is unique to your human experience, and that is going to be a value gonna carry through, and other people are going to identify with that. Does anyone here identify being betrayed by being, um, misled and having an expectation that someone else some would be honest and value you? And I'm not doing it? Do you see, do you? Can you feel the intensity that we're all connected with this story? We only have a glimmer of the story. I haven't you haven't let you go off on it. I've just give I've just asked me to share a tiny bit, and we're all leaning in feel it that's art that's what art does? We are all leaning. We'll identify. We got what art does real, plain and simple if I had to get a real high level of the purpose of the function of art, in my opinion is to connect us with her humanity, and I can empathize with that human experience that you had. What do you guys think? Teo, do you have any opinions on this? This this makes sense. This crazy assignment that I gave you doesn't make any sense. When you first gave me the assignment I was like, okay, what is this about, do I really have to go there and you know, first of all, just sort of the first one to have that reaction, by the way that's what artists say like what are you making me teo so then I had to decide really, what were the three most painful? Because there's been way more than three that's, right? So you see what pops into your head, right? So like, you know, different things were coming up, I was like, okay, I'm going to choose thes three because there were three different times in my life and somehow they all seem like important enough that I want to write about them and explore them and going through the process, putting it on paper, reading it back, answering the questions you gave us allowed me to see the connection between all of those things and to really understand that those are my core values and what came the lessons that came out of that were so strong? Now I'm tearing up, but it was a good thing definitely a good thing this, innit? Good. Yeah, well, if you're tearing up right now, you're doing your homework good job, there's going next right there, thank you. This heart felt stuff right? And it's like this we kiss like, is this better than shoe shopping or buying some bullshit we don't need like this is what people need if you know if you can translate those lessons and you can convey those values to people I mean that's going to have a huge impact on people's lives and use your creativity to do that that's the power of art that's why were the first to be executed in the first to be commissioned during a political revolution to grab hold of the artists because we're powerful communicators if we have something to communicate you have to know your your job as an artist you're basically a communicator everybody here is a communicator right like first and foremost so what is it that you want to communicate if you have to say this all the time if you have unique talent you've got to make art right art in whatever form it iss and if you have something to say and if you have something to say to the world but if you want to be heard you gotta sell it because that way you won't be hurt you have lessons that do you can convey to pee people who would appreciate your wisdom people like maybe you just got betrayed right I mean I'm not saying that that's gonna be the direction of your artistic enterprise but it's going to probably shape some part of it okay so who would like to volunteer next girlfriend you guys do you feel good? Yeah I mean honestly that like you still like who will say anything and then she feels good even though she's crying right now see it's alright okay john um pass that around please when necessary just hang on to it so john uh what has been the most painful time in your life? Um and this is a safe space space, so I had a hard time picking which wasn't fun but it's all right, the one that jumped out to me wass when someone who was close to um betrayed me as well, but they didn't betray me in the same way they betrayed me by actually trying to convince me to kill myself um that in approve of the decisions I was making, I was making decisions based on what I believed in and they didn't approve of that and released you mind sharing one example of a decision that you were making that they didn't approve ofthe way have some context for this was going toward my goals, which like business goals, the business and life goals yeah, I want to say a lot about it that's fine just I'm just going to get some contacts. Yeah, many background and this is actually important to the lesson is I was going towards something that meant something to me and this person didn't approve and they express their disapproval in lots of different ways, right? But escalate to the point of being pretty screwed up and pretty painful and yeah I guess that's as much as I want to say about the whole moment again it's not reality tv so I'm just asking you teo now the next step in this exercise is to identify the three emotions that you would use to describe that particular moment that one particular so I want you to get in your head one moment in time when the message was delivered teo teo off yourself right that's pretty powerful what they probably went numb to some extent but at some point your feelings it have I have I have registered what's the first feeling that comes to mind just just pure disbelief just like complete shock um and then a sense of betrayal followed pretty quickly by anger um disbelief disbelief like this person is supposed to be supportive of me and they're saying basically telling me to kill myself which is not supportive um I would say buddy yeah an understatement yeah I mean you wouldn't even say that you like it gotta be like are you going to say to a stranger but imagine having it come from someone you care about yes was a huge breach of trust and a huge shock and um I remember feeling really angry and you know just like I can't believe even now when I think about it like I can't believe that that happened some level right is still a bit shocking yeah still shocking yeah but it was really helpful okay, so let's go there so remember you promised to flip it it's not torture all right you obviously I have learned something my guess is you probably got to continue to learn something from this because you're still feeling it I didn't learn what I'm about to say right away it's okay? It took a lot of time but we usually don't you know by the way if you if you just suffered some horror horrific pain and you don't have the answer about what the lesson is give it time and you will learn a few things um one of the things I learned was really to trust myself because I had trust in this person and they betrayed me and that showed me that other people aren't necessarily who I can trust and in particular because um this was about going toward my dreams and that was something that was being challenged like having that truck trust breached made me react against it and go more toward trusting myself. So do you see how that translates into such a universal lesson that people must learn to trust themselves are still learning it and yet exactly you will still learn it and that by the way these lessons are not necessary once you just recognize the lesson that doesn't mean it's over you actually then have to live it then you're going to be challenged again to see if you've actually learned the lesson and if you are able to make a different decision that's the way it goes, so but who here identifies with having had a circumstance where really the best option would have been to trust themselves? Anybody, everybody, everybody me too and there were times I had red flags and or or realised I realised ok, this is just such a such a horrible circumstance there's no one else to trust except for myself because all these other jokers are on trustworthy so all you have is yourself it's really it's really empowering and then getting in touch with the only things that I control in my own thoughts of my own actions and just focusing is much my energy and attention on making those things good it has been a huge thing for me now I'm gonna know what to do is I'm gonna link him to jump a little bit ahead and I'm in a link I'm gonna give you an example of how what you just said the only thing I can control my own actions my thoughts and my actions my own thoughts of my own actions what would you what would you say is thie value proposition or the essence of your value proposition for a monthly experience experiments? What do you actually teaching if you had to sum it all up tried to sum it all up I'm empowering people to change and take control thoughts their actions at least for thirty days yeah do you see how they link together yeah they do for sure they're totally linked to get u get it he's only explained one painful event one lesson learned so we got some pretty clear hints on his value system and it's no surprise that you're doing monthly experienced experiments do you see it? I wouldn't have made that connection I know no one does that's why you need my help? Well thank you thiss white that's why did this course? Because this is challenging and it helps to be with people you can trust who can actually help you make some of these links it is it is difficult I'm not going to pretend that this is an easy translation it's sometimes very hard but you see it I see it plain as day that's why you're doing this that's why you want to do this and you want teo stop doing what you're doing with your current business that's why this is so much more exciting and interesting and enlivening yeah for sure and where did it come from? It came from a desire my own desires yeah which was a reaction to serious pain and I'm going to guess that there were other painful moments in your life before that one where you realized I cannot control these people around me all I can control is my own act shins and my own thoughts and it's up to me to make a change in a disciplined and systematic way. And the only thing I could do to improve my life it's that happened before, for sure you got a pattern, right? So I'd encourage you to write about those other instances where you I mean, you don't have to stop it. Three get extra credit, keep going just like me asking you to start with three. Okay. Do you see how is that beautiful now, are you more interested in what it and john's monthly experiments than you were before? No. Yeah. That's. All right. Right. So much more interesting, like, okay, now. Okay. What's, this guy doing this, I got to go to this website, but even if we didn't know that about him, I think we would see something if he took that from here on and use that as a catalyst for all that his future work. I think we'd see something special. I think that after learning what you're teaching right, having that awareness, now that you have this connection that was just made, I think if we were to look at your old post in your new posts, you'd have to be appointed to have a different point of view, we would see he's writing different there's something different? I really I want to follow this guy there's something about him that so it does make a change, right? It changes your interest level and what nice doing that's the point of this, this revelation him willing to be vulnerable changes it. I want to respond to that because that makes a lot of sense to me because when I did this exercise, when I think about that experience, that isn't what drives my creativity, that experience isn't no, no, no it's not what it did, but not not at all, but maybe now a little bit it is saying so that's a little bit different, I mean, it won't drive everything but you listen, your pain and the pit your pain doesn't is not meant. Let me make sure you understand something about this whole exercise. I am in no way implying that your pain defines who you are. What I'm saying is your pain is an opportunity to illuminate your most deeply held values. Your pain is an opportunity to learn a lesson or to solve a problem for yourself that you may be able to help and be of service to others and solve a problem for them that's where I'm making the translation between purpose, passion and profit you see, where can you see where the dots are starting to connect now probably all thought I was gonna give a philosophy or woo class it's part bat and part cash okay, put them together. What john is doing with john is working on I see has huge potential for profit because it could actually solve a lot of problems and alleviate a lot of pain. You guys see that? But when we interviewed you what you said was I'm not sure how I'm gonna monetize this yeah you did it's on tape don't go look at it later but see that's the cool thing like within a week you know, like your eyes are more open to the potential here and and so are ours you see that so it didn't take that long and you know it was okay that you didn't see it you did that you did your homework and look look how much you gained. All right? Who else would like to volunteer? How could your phone's hearing okay, kathy um well, I wanted to say that reading victor frankel's book man's search for meaning had a profound impact on me. Okay, how did victor frankel's book have a profound impact on you? Well, I always you know, you always hear people say, oh, things happen for a reason, I know it doesn't get tired, especially when you're in the middle of this when he had stuff happened, you don't I know how to articulate that okay, yeah, but what you know and then I received a lot of my life thinking god's plan for me is so great I can't possibly understand it's time to stop wondering why and just move on and be in faith that there's got to be a real you know, but reading the book or actually I listened to it it was easier from your listen to, um really clarified that concept for me of why we suffer or how we take our suffering and find meaning in it and I mean you'd have to read the book there to really get that concept, but um so you have the exercise, it helped me understand this exercise so much better as toe why are you putting us through this toe to evaluate? Yeah, so I know where we're going with that? Yes, I encourage you, teo, get the book. If you don't like to read your go to sleep like I do when I read get the audible version, I spent the whole day cleaning the studio listeningto teo kind of mindless tasks just yeah, it'll help put this this exercise in context quite a bit. You know, people have asked what do I have to read the book and you don't have to do anything I think, you know, like I said you khun now I have to do like pastor fitch says all you have to do is pay taxes and die you can do whatever you want but I think they have you benefited from it so what was your one most painful moment moment but my moment is spread across no one moment okay um well then I'll try to encapsulate it in that where were you seated where were you standing and if you want to think about it we might bill to come back to you but the moment that it happened what happened because of it was the most painful so like the trigger and then there was this reaction okay well at eight months pregnant I lost my baby say she was stillborn I was told so in that moment so thank you. First of all I have a great deal of respect for you really for volunteering that santa get stoked up myself because it's praying because she is prayed to do this don't you have respect for no you have empathy for her so give me the kleenex right? I'll get kathy some cleaning all right what were the three feeling is that you've experienced uh well I was heartbroken right I was devastated and I didn't put this but after sleeping on I think just hopeless I felt so hopeless for life for life okay? A life my own everything I knew okay and looking back now because you had some distance, right? You got three teenagers now, right? What is the lesson that you learned? Um I personally learned that my faith was being challenged and that that was okay um but give me more than that because I don't know what e feel like it was it was a it's been a long time, right? So I you know and then reading the book and trying to figure out why did I suffer this and what does it mean for me? How much it's possible can help others because of that? So can I just read what I wrote? Cause I don't know if I can go ahead alright, I wrote, which turned out to be my my unique value proposition we're not there yet you're skipping ahead, I'll stick with the sexier side you had mentioned me what cocaine? What their lesson that you learn from that painful moment in what I think to give others hope I think it in that shell and and give them a new outlet for their pain. So you get hold on before you go to how you're going to serve others. The lesson that you learn toe the lesson that from that painful experience I know I don't care about your target market I care about your value proposition right now care about you is a human right now you was a person right now you is you know, as part of humanity what did you learn? And if you don't have the answer cathy it's okay, reflect on it, you don't want it, we're not filling in the blanks here just to finish the exercise is it may be that you wantto meditate on this a bit more, but just say what you think it might be guess probably straight that I had that yet I was stronger than I thought I wass first because you felt hopeless when it happened and for about a year after yeah, and then it for a year you felt the same frankly hopelessness so I know a little bit about your back story and I'm gonna tell you this is one tough cookie, you are strong and it could be that that's what you are meant to teach others I don't know exactly how, but we figured out john pretty quickly, which is pretty advanced like this pretty quick usually takes a bit longer, so if you're watching don't get frustrated, this stuff takes time, but I'm gonna guess that strength is a common theme with a lot of things for you. It helped me get through the number two and then the number three right see there's a pattern and I don't know that that's, you know, that's gonna be the last pain I feels right, but you see the pattern and it gave me having spent separated from that awhile it gave me hope that in the next pain that was a similar tragic death that wasn't a similar one but it was a tragedy was a tragic death that I know there is life after this for me so having suffered that and having survived it great you could survive it and also um going to cheat and said that I read in your homework about you have and I'm not even going to reveal it we'll talk about it later but you have compassion for a particular group of people and that's not a surprise to me we'll talk about that later more later who have also suffered death so I just want to reflect on so I I'm not containing I met you like you're trying to create a mystery hear what I'm saying is this is a process and um please be patient with yourself please be gentle with yourself please be willing to be vulnerable and please just take good care of yourself these air really hard things to talk about do you feel differently about your most after revealing the most painful event in your life do you feel differently a little bit differently about it right now how do you feel the same um I feel a little different I feel less shame for myself you feel less shame fabulous ashamed you know even though I don't know that I had anything to feel ashamed of before I did doesn't matter we often feel the shame we often feel shame when we're just we're just embarrassed that our we wound up in that place in the first place and somehow feel it's our fault so hopefully that's another benefit of this lesson is you get real about what was your fault and what wasn't your fault did you feel some self guilt or anything like that cathy that was a real strong feeling wasn't really strong okay that anyone just get heads up that's a warning sometimes we somehow feel it's our fault it's no way no way in hell it's our fault right okay um so who wants to go we're gonna make another quick one okay, jen one most painful experience okay, so for me the moment just I was just describing the moment itself so there's a moment where I was sitting um in a therapist office when I was about twenty four with my mom and my stepdad sitting there and I shared with them that one of her boyfriends had you know, there's some trauma when I was younger with him and she said I don't believe you that never could have happened and how old you were twenty four yeah okay all right so stop there so I notice I'm not asking everyone to go into their story or reveal all the details lt's I'm just asking you to identify with that moment in time now what were that if you had to choose three emotions, I'm sure you were feeling a swirl of emotions even when you reflect on it now, but I'm asking you to choose the three most intensive emotions that describe that moment so total betrayal, betrayal, abandonment of the un moment um andre and ashamed, ashamed, ashamed I was totally ashamed so we're not going to review all the exercises right now, but did you notice that there was a pattern in the emotions with all of the three exercises? Yes in what was the pattern, abandonment and shame, abandonment and shame. So from that painful moment when you were twenty four, you're now wiser or more mature woman and you pretend for a moment that you're sitting beside that poor twenty four year old woman young woman and you say this was horrible but trust me there's a lesson in it. What would you say to her was the lesson that she is going to learn from this that she can take care of herself and she's not alone that she can take care of herself countries not and they're not alone and one of the things that you revealed was that you unlike me khun, go anywhere on the globe and feel and set yourself up with a suitcase and feel totally at home and feel comfortable and take care of yourself and navigate this strange community in bali and india and all over the place I would be horrified yeah hey would I was feeling like I want to go home but you could do it so um and what did you do oh you lived in bali for how long? Three two and a half years okay did you know anybody? No and you bought a one way ticket here do you see so she learned that she could survive and what does she do? She goes and survives and all these strange places no problem really easy you can do that you're starting to see the connection so we're not done you know we don't have it all figured out but hopefully you're getting a glimmer into my bizarre thesis but I promise you it works if you do the work because I've seen it time and time again so we're going to wrap up this lesson this very intense lesson was it intense was it worth it is worth it okay, we're gonna wrap it up I'm going to ask you to pat yourself on the back for completing this exercise give yourself a little reward I'm gonna ask you also to mark your calendar make sure that you've got the next time you're gonna tune in queued up on your calendar and then I'm going actually, um we're going to actually go into um again reaching out for help reaching out for support if you feel isolated and then we're going to dig even deeper in our next lesson. Number eleven. Lessons from your deepest pain. We started it. We're going to finish it for next lesson lesson number eleven. Thank you very much.