Discovering Your Biggest Obstacles
All right, so we have got your guidelines and again those guidelines are thie actions and the thoughts that are going to help you continue with creating more accomplishments and avoid those patterns of disappointment so let's roll into what I promised you to be one of the most powerful questions of the best year yet process and that is the question that discovers your biggest obstacle may be obstacles to your success what it is that is limiting you this is sometimes in in floats up to the top for us and sometimes it's a bit hidden and when I'm talking hidden it's it's something that you may not be really very conscious about, um and to discover what it is in the way that we limite ourselves and we do it over and over and we've been doing it for a number of years, how do I limit myself? And mostly how can I stop? They sound like things that deal with I don't they usually start with I can't I don't anybody have any? I can't I don't yeah, we normally don't you ask a six year old and alrea...
dy at the age of six they're saying I can't I don't and that just breaks my heart, but I don't accept change easily a really great one that comes up all the time in ish as you age and technology increases this one keeps getting a stronger voice to it I won't move out of my comfort zone anybody have that one I don't like to sell or market I already heard that one in here that's almost the same flavor of I don't know how to network or I'm not good at networking I don't like to network I don't keep up with my contacts I don't tell people how I feel about things this is a big one for students I procrastinate some of them in today's world will say I'm a slacker a slacker I procrastinate and that's just the way it is it's as if it's a fact it's as if it's the label that you're wearing as a badge on you walking into the rooms up I'm a slacker I'm always late for meetings I'm never on time this fourth question here is the one that I think is the most powerful but it's also the most challenging and it's the most challenging because I'm going to ask you to dig deep and really figure out what is it that you're doing to yourself that limits you and be honest with yourself? I promise though it has the most potential for life changing results when you do and answer this question year after year after year watch how things shift in life about the stories we tell about ourselves and of course the stories couple themselves with the results were going to get so at the top of page eleven I'm going to ask you to write again what are some of the stories what are the things like this example here that I don't sell I'm not good at networking that you tell yourself what is it that you limits you so at the top of page eleven if the in studio audience will do that and for the internet audience I'd like you to get really true with yourself ah what's nice is you're on the other side of the studio of the camera maybe there's co workers doing this with you maybe you're doing this alone but get honest get true what is it that isthe limiting you? What are the thoughts that you have about yourself that are causing you to limit yourself for me? It used to be something very rial I would say to me riel which is well I work great with deadlines I do my best with deadlines and so if I didn't have deadlines, what results do you think I would get and that was a great story that's a great way another one was oh, you know I'm just not enough this too much of this don't have this how about those out there who say why can't do it because I don't have a certification or I don't have a degree whoa does that cut them off really fast at whatever it is they're trying to dio so that's your turn write it down and let me go to jaco and job marie and ask you so what do you think you do that limits yourself all of those things yeah, I mean, I think you know, I think people quite often say to me say you know, you'd be really good in sales and just that word I just think, oh no, I could never sell myself I could never sell any product I just no, I couldn't do it but we always having to sell ourselves, you know, whatever it is when we meet somebody new even if it's the personal relationship you know, you might want to go for a drink with someone you have to sell yourself to them first so they know that you're okay person, so we are always doing then allies, but just the idea of it sort of formalizing it is I think what's frightening a lot of people that was frightening, you were definitely I'll never go to a networking event that just absolutely fills me with dread, so I'm like you, dori, where I love that deadline and hate one of my obstacles is that I like to pack a lot into my goals I've been called an overachiever I mean in bella sure and I like teo to get a lot accomplished and that doesn't always leave time for recharging and I also, um I get disappointed if I can't achieve everything that I thought I could d'oh which which actually reaching out for help from others can allow me to do more and I'm trying and trying to do a lot more of that well, how we limit ourselves also it puts a cap on us and and that's why this question is written that way how do I limit myself because think about it as the child growing up when they say I I don't run I can't run I uh maybe somebody planted the seed in their their mind, which is oh you're not going to be good in math you're not good in math so what's what if I don't do math? I don't do the finances I can't learn investments and so I limit myself by saying, oh, well, I'm not good with money I've never been good with money I can't balance my cheque checking account really? So let's look at some of those and what I'd like to do is find out dr soni, what about you? What? What is one of the things that you do that limit yourself and let's just find it I put things off so I don't if I don't like something I'm not interested as much in something which is it it could be an important item to do important action item but all I'll put it off, so I procrastinate. I feel like too much, it might not be in my like main job, but if I have other projects to do with, then I'll put things off in that and have a really bad time with that. Um, other than that, I I think I don't like to move out of my comfort zone and that's why I procrastinate in my other projects because I am so comfortable where I am right now, everything is fine, but it's not fine. That's why I have other projects, I want to be creative, but then I don't like teo for some reason, I don't like to move out of that comforts face either, I guess it's a lot of unknown, so worried or afraid of the unknown things. Yeah, somebody's going to take away your birthday, aren't they? So? So we look at you know what? What is it that causes you to not go after what it is you want somebody who's dating? Well, I'm too old, I'm too fat, I'm too skinny, I'm too smart and so what are the results we get from that? We don't go do it. We we put the brakes on ourselves before we even put ourselves in gear, all right, heavy um, I ever couple that um I worry a lot about other's opinions or judgments and what they'll think about me so much to the to the point that it will limit me from just being me and doing the things I want to dio um and I also have the problem you said the word earlier today and I forgot in it but I procrastinate because of that fear discomfort when things don't turn out absolutely perfect so I put it off because I can't make it absolutely perfect can never get done if you're worried about making it perfect your aunt ella phobia yes thank you were gonna look that up on the internet and that's going to become the word of choice right? All right, way um I also wrote that I'm very hard on myself it kind of ties into those other two and kind of that same fear of being your true self so it takes its very draining if you're always trying tio I'm a very emotional person and I was an actor and you have all those emotions you have to find a way to be authentic and also operate in a in a good way I'm not the one I don't know they can't be thinking of me they've got no not me and and so no I'm not I'm not number one there's another one I limit myself on that I'm not number one ruth what's one of yours uh, well, this is the most perplexing when I wrote this intuitively, but I wrote that I think I'm in control uh that's very brilliant, isn't it? And because you limit yourself because you think you are in control and so that you have to be in control and if you're not in court control or you think you are in control but you're really not in control. Yeah, because then I miss sarin, this synchronicity opportunity connection there's so much that by thinking I'm in control is not blowing too. I know that was this new to any of you now if we've lived a couple of years tio here a twelve year old come out and tell us what limits them breaks my heart because I know if we don't stop them right now and stop them with that thought, I know what it's going to produce for them in their lives and then they're gonna have to hire somebody like me thirty years later, twenty years later and well, we have to unravel it all so let's look at stopping it now let's, hear what the internet has to say? Well, they have a lot to say first off the guava project says that this is a tough one and that they feel exposed just thinking about it, but people have moved into action we have a few the responses we do have avara from russia we heard from earlier they're saying they're a perfectionist with this I frequently do not have enough courage to do things because it seems to me there are others who are better that what they do, marlene says I limit myself, I make up ways that I won't you can't shouldn't happen I choose to believe in those excuses and then I feel defeated so I don't try mmm this iraq says that if they don't see progress right away it's really hard for them to stay motivated now a fight to go to say sometimes I don't jump it opportunities because I ask myself what makes me qualified to make this job and I feel there are others who are more qualified exactly what you were just so many times and and again, if we perpetrate that it's going to keep getting us those results in all facets of life now how often do we do that? How often do we stop in life and actually ask yourselves in and take a pair of binoculars and say ok, where my limiting myself this last year? What did I d'oh that created an obstacle that got in my way that said why I didn't go get what I wanted to get um all right there's an easy one right going to the gym I want to go to the gym it's not a should it's not a not to I really want to go to the gym what would be something I would say that would limit myself to go anybody I'm too tired I'm too tired I'm too busy it's too far ups it's raining today well we start making excuses to explain these failures and the reason why we didn't do and I have a really big longstanding one that's been going for years I have a medical condition the medical condition causes me to have a little bit of a hiccup with my metabolism and and it's all true you can you can go and look it up the mayo clinic will say yes absolutely this disease causes the metabolism to be slow you have to be very careful as to what goes into your body you have to double your exercise double your double your pleasure double your fun you know and but it's going to take you longer period of time to get the results than a normal person so that's a wonderful, wonderful story that is absolutely based in truism right, it's real did I convince you? Yeah everybody's convinced I could point you to the medical dictionary and you could look it up and you say and I could show you the doctor's note now you guys buy an end to this yes, yes but it limits me because I've made it limit me and I've bought into this instead of looking at what it is I could dio that would maybe crushed that boulder that obstacle that limitation I put in front of me all right so it is what it is but what can I do it instead of that? Yeah it's a really great comment from caroline who says I tell myself I'm not good at public speaking instead of looking for ways to improve my speaking skills uh right it's taking that limitation and turning it into and an action and actually we have a question here from rainy day store I have big ideas and in dates but if I don't accomplish them by the date I keep on pushing the adjust they are adjusting the completion date is it harming them by adjusting the completion date? Well the question the answer is is it harming you? Are you is it disappointing adding a disappointment to your list or is it causing you not to get the results? I mean you have that answer truly you have that answer so we're going to go into looking at the excuses just like the ones I gave you excuses really excuse is maybe not so real excuses but let's take a look and see what they are so are in limiting um actions might be over to the excuses that we make to support him I don't exchange except change easily uh, you know, I can't learn that new microsoft, apple, whatever software it is, that new cloud based thing, I can't do that because, you know, I'm just not a change agent it's it's it's, factual I've never been a change agent. I've never accepted the smartphone, I've never you know, you you hear this, you hear people talk about this and you've got to just internally smile and go really okay, but instead we sit there like this and we buy into them as you were doing with me, it is true to them it isthe so true it could be based in fact, I can show you that I'm not a change agent, I'll let me list the ways in the examples I won't move out of my comfort zone because I'm likely to fail, I'm likely to embarrass myself and if I embarrass myself, then what will happen? I lose all my friends, then what happens then? I die alone, they take my birthday away, then I gotta come back and do it all over again. I don't like to sell our market, I'm not good at networking, it's just not in my blood I'm not a sales person, somebody else finds it natural, not me story me think so I don't keep up with my network you know that's just a hard thing I don't have the time to do that I'm not a people person uh they don't want I don't have anything for them to here they don't want to hear from me what do I have that's value added it looks so fake it's just a fake thing it's not what I d'oh I don't need to do it there's another one I don't tell people how I feel because really I'm afraid of their reaction they're probably true they're probably right uh I know that I'm not perfect I don't have I didn't do that perfectly I procrastinate hey I'm not really interested in that and that's why I procrastinate good excuse as a great excuse for a student then I'll ask him so why are you in that class? Well because I have to take the class notice another excuse really? Ok so you have to take but it cut because you're not interested you procrastinate and so that's what's stopping you from doing what it is that the class needs to give you well I need to get an a in that class, do you, julia okay, so this second part of the question I want you to go to the bottom in your workbooks there on page eleven on I want you to really think about what are the excuses you make how do you explain them now when you're doing that there might be a little voice in your head one on your shoulder that says this is really stupid what the hey is she talking about? I totally don't get this one that's the voice that's the voice that is causing the limiting thoughts and supporting them with excuses for you that I want you to tune out and say ok what is it really here? Because that voice is what causes you to stop what it is you're doing and support your things with excuses internet audience you have the advantage to really be honest with yourself take that voice and ask it toe step aside turn off whatever it is it's that stupid little voice that is creating these problems for you and write these things down I'm going to give you some examples that we have a little bit more eso audience continue writing internet audience go all right so a tune me out a little bit here what what happens when we're doing these voices we have the voice of I'll call it your gremlin in coaching will call it your gremlin will call it your alter eagle whatever it is but this voice is a very familiar voice with you it's been with you for a very long time it is the voice that usually causes you to put the brakes on in the car to life and makes you focus in an area of I can't I won't I might fail things fall into what I call four buckets and these four buckets are I'm not good enough I'm not good enough I don't have enough I need more is s o thes these buckets and then the third bucket I'm sorry I need more I'm not good enough I don't have enough and then there's the bucket of I'm likely to fail or I'm likely to succeed and if I'm likely to fail what would happen? I'd be alone I'd be ridiculed I'd be embarrassed I'm likely to succeed can also have an interesting flavour to it because I'm likely to succeed can come with then I lose my friends then I'm I'm I've surpassed my family then something changes in life um perhaps you're an actor actress maybe you want to be your photographer and you want to be exceptionally well well known reknown in your craft in your nish and what happens if that it actually occurs well I may lose my my community I may lose my good buds I may need to travel all over the world and then I missed the opportunities with my family or I missed the opportunities with my friends I shift out of it our arrangement of where life isthe it's a fascinating bucket to look at the fail and succeed one and when we limit ourselves what we do is we normally put ourselves into one of those buckets and we'll tell ourselves, oh no, that person's much better because they have a better credential jobseekers I won't get that job because because others have more than I do more experience, what about the one that's going on day in and day out? Right now? I'm too old, they're only hiring younger people ouch! And so what they do is they follow through with those excuses and it leads him to an inn action or an action that's opposite of what it is they really intend to dio let's, turn to the internet audience. I'm sure we've got some rich examples here, but it's interesting what people are saying that there is definitely a theme meadow is saying I just I'm not talented enough, I should have already I should have already accomplished this I mean that's a great one for holding you back thinking no, I should have accomplished it therefore I will it's kind of I should have done it by now. Therefore I'm not going bother doing it now interesting you say about age I think that is holding a lot of people but that's a cultural shift, isn't it definitely, you know I'm too old for this position well, I would suggest that just a few years back it was I'm too young, yes, I'm too young, I'm too inexperienced I know that still, you know, I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm just write whatever it iss is going to live forever and ever and ever I don't care what decade we're in it's it's a frame of mine that's going on and I love working with somebody who says especially a job seeker who says I'm too old, I'm too old. I love to turn around to say, ok, let's, bust up that a little bit. Do you know that for sure? Well, yes, can't you see I'm sixty and I still need to work because my four oh one k took a dive, all right, I got it, I got it. But are you telling me? Because your sixty you have nothing more to give? Well, no, in fact, I've got a lot of experience, a lot more experience, and then they're going to pile on another excuse. I can't make the money I I should be making at the age of sixty and you keep pilling back this onion and you find out what's really at the core is that limiting thought that I'm too old and then maybe even some anger I shouldn't be having to work at sixty, and I mean, it gets deep now we're not into psychology here, but we do touch upon the behaviors and so behaviorally we need to take a look and see what's keeping you from getting what it is you want, so this job seeker at the age of sixty may shift a bit and say let's see, last time I knew there were fifty six million baby boomers uh two thirds of them are still in the workforce they have years of experience, so they're generally at what level the decision makers and and those that aren't are looking for some mentorship, some experience, some helpfulness. So really when you peel that back with some of those people, I hear that one comment that one excuse well, I've never worked for somebody younger than me I don't know how to do that back to those buckets I don't have enough a knowledge failing confidence I'm not good enough, but I know how to do it. I'm likely to succeed or fail there's one other bucket, but we try to avoid that entirely it's the bucket of and likely to die and if you really have a fear of dying and that's your limiting paradigm on that not asking you to could jump off a cliff or go sky dive, but if that's a fear um then there's so many other places the dance around and that one probably does need therapy all right on the flip side there's thie challenge of being too young absolutely and you have said that in the channels then they seal their ninja princess is saying I find it's being too young and inexperienced that's playing in a home for her I had just come in and they're saying no one will give you a job interview when you're sixty take it from someone who is sixteen can't get into never mind the job I'm sure you wantto direct of that comment dorrie that's that's exactly what we're talking about here right right now you'll never get an interview that's how you walk into the that's exactly why you're wearing it you're smelling that you're walking, you're talking and your energy proceeds you so if I walk in and I'm a slacker like those kids and I I just progressed no teacher, I'm not I didn't do my homework course today you can't have the excuse that the dog ate it because the homework is done via the internet, the web of the school and and you know they have great excuses of those now some of those are just playing right out why the heck are you doing this then? But when we're adults, when we're adults and especially business owners and people living lives designing our lives purposefully, so if you are making excuses on something, the the obvious question is why are you doing it what's causing you to do it and isn't there a way to get out? I have the same from a mentor of mine if you can't get into it, get out of it if you can't get out of it, then get into it and how do we get into it? Sometimes we've got to look at what are these? What are these limiting beliefs you have about yourself and the things you're saying about yourself and what did the excuses you're making? And are those excuses really set in stone? All right in studio audience time to hear from you, ruth what about you? Um well, I have a little bit of a pattern going on and I couldn't quite landon where itwas so the pattern did you want me? Just can I just share that with you briefly? So there's sort of this pattern I'm spread too thin and I put others first and I give more than I received and I get tired so I give more than I received. Yeah, and I get tired and excuses you make too what will I give more than what I received? The excuse I make is because I because I have tio because I have todo because I have to it's the role they were also I f b I have tio and because I and the other pieces are if I'm spread too thin it's, because if if I'm scared that if I don't do all the things that I should do that things will fall apart and um because I don't know any other way ah so that's really it isn't it because I don't know another way hey so so because I don't can you hear that one wow and it just makes you want to pop in and coach uh to say wow are you sure? There's not another way let's look at the other ways let's let's let's broaden your perspective of this dr soni I think my biggest one is I'm a mom now so I am too busy I'm too busy I'm just way too busy because I'm a mom yeah and I have friends who have like three kids and they're not half his busy of I um so I know that I shouldn't be like that, but I keep telling myself that so I don't have time to do any creative work all right? Because I'm too busy because I'm too busy yeah oh boy, I'll bet that applies I'll let that applies all over the place a group with us today but somebody's else actually asking the ninja princess doria new experience that you do hear these more excuses do come from women more than men what's your experience? Oh no, no you don't know we're not gender specific here noah's long and we're not age specific uh though I can culturally say in generations I do hear certain excuses a lot you know, there could be a younger person who actually does say I'm too all because they're too old too do something that they really prefer doing and feel comfortable doing a younger and um perhaps a younger person should not be riding a bicycle with training wheels I mean that's a judgment call but we have a generational issues that come in with our limitations and it would be good to cut yourself off right now of growing any more of those in a petri dish so let's do that now becky what what's one of yours that you wrote down I feel like tomorrow or next week is there gonna be a big week everything's gonna happen then instead of really focusing on had to make it happen now s so that instead of just constantly thinking about things that are on the horizon actually start walking towards it and so you project and you forget to be in the here and now and smell the roses enjoy this moment yes all of those and work towards something instead of always instead of just thinking well, next week I'm gonna do accomplish this or do this okay it's actually get into it now and get into it now yeah, yeah roll your sleeves up and do it now yes, because you're projecting too much right I have a tendency to not enjoy my vacations because in the moment I mean yes, I love going on vacation I love the planning I love the organizing and then when I get into the vacation, what am I doing projecting about? Well, where we're going next on the next vacation is like you can't even be in this vacation a real bugger that my husband has with me you know that type of thing all right, so do you have good examples for yourself as to how you're limiting yourself and the excuses you make and you feel truthful about them good, good doing the same thing actually, as zoe says, that she's had a big epiphany and it all comes down to being afraid that I'm not likable or lovable knowing that their self esteem was a problem but didn't realize it was that much of a problem until now lots of people say they admit they blame neither their husbands or their wife is coming they won't do it. Why do I have to do it? And they realize they've got to take control of their own actions. They are excuses that come in um just I mean it's just so many ways we can make an excuse that limits us what's a paradigm, a paradigm is an assumption of mindset, a perception about yourself or or or course someone else or situation basically a belief you hold and the beliefs we have come from our thoughts so follow the bouncing ball here ah habit of thought over and over and over again creates a belief which is a paradigm which is something we box ourself into and so remember when we remembered that are we we we believed that the world was flat remember that and so what did we d'oh that was our paradigm the world is flat what are we going to dio not sailing all the way over there? I'm going to fall off the edge of the earth and so our beliefs create these paradigms that we box ourself into I'm a slacker I procrastinate I never make it on time to meetings I am not good enough to get those clients over there in the knish that I really would enjoy working in because I don't have enough experience I'm not old enough um they want they require more experience those air those air all those beliefs, those assumptions sometime and these assumptions they they just are a self fulfilling prophecy for us. Does anybody remember the I think it's called? Well, gosh, now I'm tapping into the brain here uh I think it's called the sun's very studies something like that um anyway to classrooms right teacher over here with this classroom teacher over here this teacher was set it was told that her class achieved high score ds this teacher your class had low scores, so the assumption the paradigm that the teacher walked in with the belief was this class did not achieve high scores and thus there teaching there the results they got to where that the kid scores dropped when in fact the groups were crossed the's this group actually did have the highest scores this group did not but the way the assumption went in, the paradigm went in and the way they were treated now the kids didn't know what their scores were and then over here what happened that the kid scores if this was the hae won, they dropped. This was the low one they came up so the assumptions and we create these assumptions so many of them that I talked about these paradigms about ourselves all the way back to a child. Let me let me tell you one that came in I better apologize to my mother because she might be watching it's just something that is not done intentionally to hurt you or harm you. In fact, in this example it's a paradigm that I took on a belief I took on and it was just because of circumstances I recall myself as a young child, I was at the kitchen table doing my homework and wow, I'm going to date myself. There was a whole roll of funk and wagnalls dictionaries behind me there was no internet and as I was doing the report on fish for the fourth grade I wanted to ask my older sister a question and my parents I don't know if this is delusional but this is how it came across in my mind said you're smart enough you can figure this out on your own you can go to the encyclopedias you don't need to ask your sister for help and thus comes thie action from that I can figure it out on my own I'm smart enough to go look it up I can do this on my own so grow with me into the next couple of decades and into those decades as I'm getting rewarded in school because I'm following this and you're rewarded in school the report card comes home and says dori figures things out on her own she didn't ask people for help let's continue that I'm into the business environment ah good performance evaluation she self directed she does think she gets things done and then comes the first negative evaluation she's not a team player she doesn't collaborate with others and you notice that tipping point and it actually went down further and further as I'm living this paradigm of belief about myself that I I have to figure it out on my own I should be smart enough to figure it out because it goes on down tore workaholism I was a workaholic, a very bad workaholic where life just didn't exist outside of the the work, the job and, you know, not being able to accept engagements to go places and social events because I had to work until I realized and woke up to that and said, wow, that's a story that's a that's, an interesting box I put myself into that I can't ask others for help, and I have to remind myself because it's years and years in the making, that that was a box I created for myself put myself into and it eventually caused me harm. And today what's what's the new paradigm ah, I enjoy collaborating with others know I know where to look things up. I know who to ask. I'm going to hire someone so let's look atyour riel riel paradigm, this limiting paradigm that's putting you in your box. I'm not good at sales. I'm too old to learn to do that. I don't have enough time. I'm not good at managing money page thirteen for the internet audience. Please write down what your limiting paradigm is and I want you to select the one the one that is the biggest one that causes you the most grief, the most, uh, difficulty for yourself.