Segment 21 - Building and Nurturing Self Esteem
Fitness is selling wow, we're selling all this stuff that's not necessarily riel I would not necessarily building up self esteem we could be tearing it down without even realizing it. I know people and I've been in the job of moving people for twenty five years and the last thing I intentionally meant to do was make field make someone feel less than because of movement but what? I didn't realize until relatively recently that what I feel when I move is very different how many other people feel when they move? We teach what we need to learn on what I realised by as I was getting older and stepping away off the fitness circuit for a while not teaching as much that when I came to revisit movement it was from a different place. If I now began to move to try and keep up with the body that I wass ten years ago it was really depressing to me and it brought up a sense of anxiety and self doubt. Ok, this is petra kolber, fitness expert feeling this way and it begins it began to wake me up which...
was a really important and powerful lesson for me so we look at self esteem self esteem is the disposition to experience ourselves as being competent and be able to cope with the basic challenges of life on dh being worthy ofthe happiness and to go for our dreams this is an interesting word, and I don't think we talked about it enough, but I do think it's an underlying like a bottom pillar to creating a life of happiness, meaning and purpose. It's not until we truly believe that we all worth it, that all voice that our story is needed in this world, that we could make a difference. And it's not ego driven. And we spoke about this yesterday, people with good, I'm gonna use the word hi, but strong, resilient self esteem do not puff up. I noticed when I puff up that is coming for place of insecurity burn a brown talks about this a lot when you go into rome to be vulnerable, be who you are, not passing up to be bigger than you are, and for many of us not making ourselves smaller but just being and that could be highly uncomfortable and bernays the expert when it comes to vulnerability. But what I find very fascinating is it's, not until that vulnerability is the gateway to what joy kind of socks really, if you think about what it's like, right, you couldn't just give that one to me, you have to work for that to the survival value of confidence is so obvious, but what we don't always focus on is the danger. That happens in our lives when we are missing the pillars of self esteem self esteem is grounded in reality and again like I said before true self esteem is not built from ego to me self esteem is returning to our best self and this isn't really industry quote from basically the the king of self esteem he wrote amazing book the six pillars of self esteem and if any of you out there is this something you struggle with I hae recommend this book it's great reading if my aim is to prove I am enough the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debated vel and every time we judge ourselves against media we start to debate and already our self esteem I feel that was shaky there's different levels of self esteem we touched on it yesterday and where it is in our lives that these areas kind of grow and flourish and gets stronger and you cannot jude toh unconditional self esteem without going through the other pillars the other steps it's kind of like joy I guess you have to face the vulnerability but it's all good lessons if you look at them as exciting opportunities versus challenges and threats so if this doesn't relate to you it might relate to your children it might relate to someone that you know someone that's struggling with their sense of self worth we need to make sure that self esteem is based in reality not fake self esteem that doesn't help anyone especially our kids but kids learn by seeing and hearing so I was talking a little bit yesterday about some of my role models that unfortunate during my my growing up times when I'm really beginning to kind of hopefully move from dependent to independent self esteem this first pillar for me dependent self esteem where I feel good about myself but it's based on other people's opinions of me you know being thirteen fourteen I'm not going to have the wherewithal to go I need to sit and be with myself and have my own self esteem that's just not the way it happens but what I didn't realize for many, many years is that what I had heard that outward messaging from my chri role models in my formative years of the dancer was actually breaking this down not building it up I'm a competence relative toe others was being eradicated because I was being told you never could you know, tough so once let's assume that that pillar is nice and strong and if it doesn't happen when you're younger it's something we work on as we get older and where I think a lot of us are struggling with this I'm one of them and I want to put a voice and a face to it because it's something we all deal with I really believe we move in and out of these levels of self esteem, some situations I feel really powerful in and then other situations I go into that naked of space, that negative bias and the first thing it gets a little trash is self esteem. So that's, what? I need to go to my strength toolbox and pull it out so one of the best keys we can use for our resilience, self esteem, self confidence is our strength, self esteem goes up and down a little bit based on comparison when we're younger, and then hopefully, as we get older, we moved into an independent sense of self esteem where our value off where we are in our life is not based on other people's thinking, but it's, based on my own interpretation of how I'm dealing in the world and it's gonna be great days and bad days and days, I step up my face, the car is my backpack is over, my cell phone is over him, over the fans middle of aton luggage has gone with me, and yes, I felt the fear and I did it, and then other days where I'm just like not feeling that resilient, and so I maybe don't go for that goal that dale, I don't take that job or whatever that don't, is it? And then my self esteem wavers, but it's, based on my own, like, oh, I wish I had done that a little bit better or taken that risk, and then my own confidence relative to self might only where you could build confidence is to challenge yourself on the only way to challenge yourself is to learn to not be afraid, ofthe making mistakes and that's a tricky one for us. We're so busy trying to be perfect that we're afraid of making mistakes, so I feel like right now that independent self esteem I kind of hang out there a pretty pretty healthy place. We talked about evaluations and online being remarked upon, I think there's a fear and many of us like the minute I ship it it's going to get judged? Absolutely, but if it gets judge and I've done my best work, my self esteem is not relative to that hearing a bad evaluation, if I felt I could have done better, then in turn, like I should have done it better if I felt like I did my best, I'm going to go, they were, you know, they don't have every right to their opinion, but it doesn't define their opinion does not define myself worth my opinion of myself, absolutely, then the highest level if you want to call it highest level is unconditional self esteem. They kind of it's almost like being in the zone like non attachment. And this is something that we kind of moved in and out ofthe on dh trying to think of a time that I might have unconditional self esteem when we get back to you on that one. I'm not sure I'm that evolved yet. You know, what happens is I do kind of still my mark myself on my own opinion. So but there are moments you have in the zone, you in the flow and just everything's cooking well, that you kind of transcend is almost non attachment. If that is being that not evolved that's the wrong word, but being that strong in your particular place that you are that day, that there's non attachment to even the judgments on yourself, you just go can listen to that. But not many, like in the zone in the flow does that make sense? Okay, self esteem is not a quick and easy process. I think this is what some of us think like, oh, if I just look in the mirror and I go, you're awesome. Yeah, not so much. You have to be. We talk about, um, heartfelt gratitude. Self esteem has to be heartfelt and truly believed and it's not a quick fix and I believe if you don't work on your self esteem muscle it's like courage muscle that's like your fear muscle it's all of that without used to use it or you lose it and I notice when I'm not paying attention to my thoughts and I start getting a little bit outside of the over to the negativity bias and my thoughts have been feeding that negativity channel with rain of self doubt it's really easy to kind of dip and work from a place of low self esteem and the choices we make the jobs we go for the people we choose to date the life choices we make are all affected by this do you put up that website? Do you open that new store on etc do you do the photography do you go for the trip of your dreams? All of this is truly rooted in this word thes two words nathaniel brandon says self esteem has six pillars the six pillars of self esteem and there is nowhere in that I look in the mirror and I just go I'm awesome that's not it there's nothing well he's saying that if you truly believe it go for it I think we should do that more often yes but the six pelle is the first one is living consciously being aware of your farts on actual let's write this down together if you go over to your book and you turn over to pay actually, just turn this over to page. Yes, page eleven. Thank you. Just in there or to the side of it, write these down. The first one is living consciously paying attention to information and feedback. And more than that, your internal information and feedback self and facing the facts that are true and riel, not your own interpretation. Number two self acceptance. Maybe that comes of vulnerability a bit being willing to experience and truly think, feel and do what and accept ourselves the shiny bits, their not so shining bits facing the mistakes, learning from failure, feeling the fear, doing it anyway and learning from them itself acceptance is a big one. Self awareness, self acceptance, then self responsibility. Like I said this morning, you know there's only one of us, which is also awesome and terrifying, taking responsibility for our own thoughts moving from, um, an open mind set a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset growth mindset means I take responsibility. There's no blame it's it's me? How can I learn from this? But recognizing failure is awesome is part of learning you cannot build your courage muscle you cannot grow into your fullest self without failing self assertiveness was it rene that said, I think jackie said not just thinking about it putting action behind it putting action behind your dreams you only put action into your dreams when you have self assertion is that a word self assertion when you self assert yourself on then living purposely purposefully and how doing much to talk about that yesterday one of the keys the longevity toe happiness to self esteem is living a purpose filled, purpose driven life when we stand in our own self esteem we can stand in the service ofthe others when we can't accept and listen to those crazy voices in our head pay no mind to them recognizing that that we're gonna work on those voices a little bit in the next section then we can move into our most purpose driven life and be of service and then six is integrity big one for me integrity to me is there's no gray that could be great in our lives to me you have it or you don't I feel like if you slippery slope in one area you can a slippery slope in the other character to me I think it was then I love the movie of the tv show friday night lights I think they had a sign character is what you do when no one else is watching that's what means integrity is what do you do when the lights are not on what do you do when your name's not attached to it? What do you do for that person that can't help you any way you do it for the money I do it because it's right I heard this in a workshop recently she's a speaker and she said I think she's out of texas self esteem is the immune system of consciousness I like that and we fully accept ourselves we inoculate ourselves for the need of other people's approval huge that's hard in this world looking for approval on facebook everywhere we go people are ready to judge us underway that one again when we fully accept ourselves are we inoculate ourselves against the need for other people's approval and I think this is important for all you creatives at home for you here for me, for anyone that is wanting to do something a little bit daring or you work for yourself and you can't stay having to be your own choir leader you choirmaster that we cannot do this for other people's approval it's a no win situation you have to do what's right for you and then the right people will come to you for the work that you are offering anything when we move for a place of seeking approval, nothing good happens because you might get approval but then the work that you're doing it's not of meaning to you ah lot of this comes down to perfectionism are you a perfectionist or are you on optimal ist again, this is not something we talk about that much, but I think it's important in when we strive to live and build a life of happiness, joy and flourishing perfectionism is a mindset optimal ism is a mindset here's the difference a perfectionist looks at how far they have to go an optimal ist looks at how far they've come huge difference I might not be where I need to get get I might not know everything, but I know I can learn vs I'm just not good enough I got so far to go when am I ever going to get started? If it's not perfect, I'm no wait till it's perfect if it's not perfect, I'm going to get judged if it's not perfect if it's not if it's not perfect sets us up for failure because there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection is boring, it's dull no one could relate to it and it paralyzes us on half the times. We don't even realize that that is the loud false belief this driving our choices. Yes, jenny, do you have a comment? So I was walking around the office and I was walking around because I just I had a task and I I couldn't think how to do it a lot of people were dependent on it, I got it going on one of my friends I'm with colleagues turned on she looks at me what do you doing jenny because you saw me like pass our office for the third time like I can't figure out how to do this I don't know what to do don't let perfection be the roadblock for completion oh I like that kid that again don't let perfection be the roadblock for completion now the perfection is me going why didn't I think of that through the opportunity this is going what a great message let's share that perfectionism comes from fear optimism comes from opportunity huge difference I love that thank you and it's so often the driver behind our thoughts are not choices and what we choose to go for what we choose we don't go for and because we expect everyone else is living up to the standards we don't talk about it well if I talk about it they're going to see the real me so there's the ought south we living in this place of fair and trying to be perfect this is the yourself that comes from I should be doing that you know living the dream off everybody else trying to live upto other people's approval all itself comes from parents, teachers, partners the world we live based on what other people's opinions are of us and so many of us live this way and there's no judgment on this it's just that again, I talked about this is that it's so comfortable it's so convenient that we don't even realize we're doing it until we said and really think about it. The idea isn't she cute? I just love her a thing like that. I want to be able to do that one of these days, I'm from my back out. The ideal self does not come from a place of narcissism. This is not being pumping up, fluffing up, puffing up. Absolutely not. But this is not something I was taught as a child. What do you want to be when you grow up? How do you want to change the world? I was very much like don't think too big be the big fish in a small pond, you know, for higher you go the further you have to fall. Oh my god, I want to tell me how the hell am I here? You know, but thank goodness for the work and that's what I hope today that I could show you we teach what we need to learn on this stuff works because if I hadn't worked in this posit sometimes I was doing this for before I even knew what it wass I did not positive psychology was when I was forty it's been around, but I didn't know but I had not done this work I would not be living this life today the life is not perfect I am far from perfect, but if I had tried to live that perfect life I'd be locked up in a room right now it makes your world smaller so you're ideal self is the person who you are when you're authentic, you're feeling vulnerable the self they want to put out into this world that when you're at your best you can be in service of others during the life that helps others in this moment true, the ideal self is in this moment then we moved with deeper true, authentic self is accepting the shiny bits on the not so shiny bits and recognizing that being perfectly in perfect is being perfectly human, as tall ben shahar says, and then he teaches this and it's common knowledge I'm not sharing out of out of turn that tall also is a recovering perfectionist, so I was reading his book my car he's talking to me that's me so I just knew I was gonna love him and he teaches what he needs to learn and it was debilitating for him also as a speaker he practices in practices and practices but also recognises now that it doesn't always have to be perfect to make a difference his peaches normally are I gotta tell you it's pretty darn good but and in future self I kind of pop this in there because we're going to do this work in the last segment today. It's, a powerful technique developed by laura king. The ways to envision your best possible future self. And again it's not built out of ego or narcissism. It's just taking a moment to reflect a go what would my life look like if everything went well? If I was working from my strength, if I was feeling the fear and doing it anyway, what with that best puke future self look like and is a really powerful exercise. So I believe tohave a strong, vibrant life, a strong body, a strong sense of self. We have to have a strong sense of I. And how do we keep that as you go into this world now, one of the best rules and keys to improving a sense of self esteem and kind of like putting like a primer on the brain before we go out into the day? I spoke about it yesterday, where is gratitude is so powerful for a sense of well being, having a positive outlook. Looking forward into a day with optimism and excitement is also a very powerful ki it almost like prime in your brain toe, look for the good. Versus seek the negative it's kind of going against that teflon velcro negativity bias. So before I encourage every one of you at home, everyone of you here I've started doing this is before you even get out of bed. Or you've got your first cup of coffee before you hit your cell phone, your emails, the barrage of stuff waiting for you, take a moment of pause, power off the pause and the power of a positive outlook. Write down three things that you are looking forward to today and let's do that right now. Let's, take a moment and write down three things that you are looking forward to. Martin seligman, the one of the grandfather, is a part of psychology. Like every few years he does a new initiative on his initiative for many of his parts of psychology, and right now his new research is all based upon this. How looking forward to a positive mindset affects your happiness, your level of flourishing, a level of joy and to me, it's like kind of prime ing the brain. But I'm just in my segment producer, who is amazing. He worked on another show and I'll get her full name that conflict of it right now and she was saying I kinda have to flush the brain to like, wipe it off I think I think that may have been an ra it wass and ray and she's saying the same thing our brain could just get all crumpled up and, like kind of like congealed we could I flushed it off to the side dental floss for your brain in the morning just three things that you looking forward to can we hear from some of the student? Yes there's absolutely anybody ready? Jackie I'll be here the day a lot of it is, you know, number one learning and being inspired no really looking forward to that today talking with denise later we're traveling together later and I want to then I love, you know then talking, debriefing and sharing, comparing comparing notes not comparing e e I that companion it's not each other another patrons and these bees t shirt this is growing ok and also in the day um you know, I'm looking forward to kind of seeking the truth for myself love that thank you and that's just today kind of rock this girl going to rock it anyone else ziggy says looking forward to movement segment in this class teo soup for supper and a full night of sleep tonight I love that that's a good and you know it doesn't have to be huge, it could be the sweetest smallest moments I'm looking forward to today we'll spend in this incredible what gratitude like just overwhelming gratitude for you at home for you have these beautiful host of my makeup artist I have gratitude for makeup today I got to be honest, I walked in she's got way love you I have gratitude for this family for the family of creative line I'm looking forward to spending more time with this family today who selflessly stand in service of creating a great product and this is not this is not a prom, but this is what makes this channel work because they don't think about the eye they stand in service and I think it shows and I'm honored to be a part of that going to take all more of that on this I go home and then what else look five o'clock somewhere five o'clock sunday that's just one of many things anyone else kind of I'm looking forward to the lunch the booth right twist was great I'm sorry lunch is great here and the best food I've had I want to see everybody's gratitude buckets ah ha we made that is going to be really kind of like that yeah and then the wrap party it's gonna be five o'clock here anyone else? Yes or they want to make sure I stay president today because he knows we're going through things sometimes my brain wants to go and and compare that note to something and I just want to stay here and be presidents I can benefit more because I have a little problem with that and then I today sometime today I want to share what I learned with the people that I love and then I'm going to be with this evening oh, I love that thank you and I think when that brain kind of goes off I think today maybe just curiosity you know, make friends like curiosity thing pull it back is nothing wrong in that whatsoever anyone else what you looking forward to today, gretchen I am looking forward to feeling just the energy that's in this room and it creative life and with you it's a special experience to just be a part of that so I'm looking forward to the rest of the day um I wrote I'm looking forward to practicing being more authentic and surrounding myself with authentic people andi I also wrote connecting this's a community here and it's it's nice it's nice to feel a part of that yeah thank you that's beautiful. I love that anyone else um as scary as it is to look at the things that keep talking I'm looking forward teo really confronting them and facing them and hopefully letting go and then going home and see my cat who have been seen on tv just got a great cat pt on the cap for us and now we just adopted two cats on talking about I digress but about wellbeing pat's other bomb and bringing you into the present moment and grateful cats, dogs or whatever your pal choices in the chat we have pineapple yeah it's a sign looking forward to dad seventy eighth birthday yea pizza and looking forward to the gratitude section because this person is particularly bad at that they say and turns out it was one of the lowest on this on the survey right? You know batted it we just gotta bring in that there's no good or bad in this segment but thank you for sharing we also have joining us our chat moderators mom nora is joining us and she is looking forward to dressing for volunteering. This is alexis mom she's looking for the dressing for volunteering, watering her herb garden and cooking dinner she just had a nerve garden planted I love isn't that just what what this does it reminds us of the gift off are extraordinarily ordinary life that this is a gift I know this sounds again it can sound a little out there but it's not until we appreciate the extraordinary in the ordinary moments that we can find the courage and the resilience and their optimism. To get into our day with such gratitude, that changes everything we talked yesterday about watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become action, what's, your action, they become your character. What your character. It becomes your destiny, and I just look kitty cats that had to get one in there. But really what you tell yourself when you look in that mirror in the morning, if you've taken a moment before you start your day toe, look to the forward to the things that about that day it changes everything. It changes how you see yourself in the world, because you're looking at it from an optimistic mindset, an optimistic mindset, not a perfect perfectionistic mine. That and a zoo are both really hard to say, optimal listed perfectionistic. They're really huge difference that the way your world shows up on the way you operate in the world completely, completely different.