Segment 25 - Cultivating Gratitude
But there was a great study on gratitude by robert emmons and he brought people up into four groups and every night they had to write five things and had different things that to write about the first group wrote about five things that they were grateful for his group one the second group had to write about things that bothered them throughout the day that kind of ruminated on the negative think about this person bothered me and this was a bit of a pain and this didn't work out right the third group wrote about things that what that they did better than others so it kind of superior thiss burden so and so and then I did so is about comparison and then the control room group could write about anything and one has shown after six months they looked at five things how happy were they how optimistic were they how kind to others were they how could they be in service of others? How successful were they and how physically healthy were they can anyone guess which one was the worst negative ha...
ssles obviously ruminate you ruminate on it you're going to dwell in it and your body doesn't always know what I thought versus what's really your body chemistry is going to change on that on who did best gratitude gratitude affects everything including how successful you are you'll more likable when you will likeable you're probably getting more successful in your work those who wrote about gratitude or also extremely optimistic and felt just battery in general about their lives also they had fewer visits to the doctors and they also began to exercise more so if you're not ready to move in tow happiness just yet have gratitude for your body have gratitude for the life that you are in and when we move for feelings and intention we might be surprised of what gets us moving there was although another piece of research done by martin seligman one of again the thought leader in positive psychology and he tested several different ways that people could elevate their happiness level and he had a four hundred eleven people on he's different interventions and one of the interventions was writing a letter not just thinking about it but writing a letter of gratitude to someone that they had never really properly thanked for their kindness so again it's thinking about wei have a thoughts all the time I should thank this person or that how many times we not actually pick up the phone and thanked them verbally versus thank you so much fire a text rhyming it down and then they actually delivered the letter on what he saw that all the interventions for happiness this was the most powerful they had a huge leap in their happiness score and that sense of elevated wellbeing and flourishing it lasted for a month it was stronger than any other intervention it was not just ing just having the gratitude it was sharing the gratitude extremely powerful and again to do it by a letter or by a phone call is much more impactful than a text although there's nothing wrong in lightning bolt gratitude there's a new initiative I'm going I'm going to find it after at the brake and I'll come back to tell you exactly who started this but his initiative is called lightning bolt bolt gratitude and it's like I don't have time to be hoped for I was like is about texting and right away the minute you feel gratitude for someone you text them that is completely authentic ok genya how great great food I had great gratitude for you right now because you got my coffee this morning not feeling it so much it's kind like joking but you express your gratitude to send in a lightning bolt you don't think about it and it just goes out into the universe and there's an actual like kind of movement starting around lightning bolt gratitude I'm going to find out who did that in the lunch break and give them due credit where credit is due gratitude gives us optimism optimism goes back to that fixed mindset versus growth mindset when we work from a place off a fixed mindset what's there to be grateful for this is the life I've been given there's not much I could do to change sounds so negative when we're talking about it, but we couldn't drop and when we say we I mean, I too I could drop into that place like that, but then I catch it, I bring awareness to it, I accept myself of being perfectly in perfect and human I don't put judgment on it, but then I take action. Yeah, my three a's our awareness, acceptance and action I used to miss the acceptance piece, you've got to accept what you want to work on first and not look at it as a negative and a pessimistic outlook. It khun found really kind of kind of sounds like it feels, but it can be changed through awareness, acceptance and action and is no judgment here just like happiness. Optimism can be learned on the first key is awareness listening to your internal dialogue, we talked about the power of the thought what's this internal dialogue that's going on and then listen as how you describe situations, but more importantly, listen to how you describe your own chatter to yourself because we can have a really optimistic outlook in some parts of our lives. And then what about the life that we're having with ourselves, the world that creates words, the words that creates our world and again, are we going to look at the good is the velcro and the bad is the teflon are we going to hold onto like the the good is the taff lan and the baddest the velcro? We're going to be benefit finders versus fault finders huge difference where do you place your focus? And again, like martin seligman says, you know optimism allows us to do our best work, so I'd like it attuned to page thirteen but my glasses now and right at the top it says that's fault fun but gives you a little like a pop quiz. I loved your pop quiz at the beginning of today I still want to do something that on my website like fill in the blanks like so good but lens in the world you know, benefit find real fault fighter that's just a reminder for you now we can be benefit finders in some arrows ball I like I'll always find the benefit the good in other people always I always look for the good without without fail. I think I can almost say an absolute on that I go looking for the good but it's not either or it and and I can also go looking for the faults when it comes to myself much better I'm a work in progress, but take a moment right now and I'd love you to this at home also other any hairs of your life and again, we're not ruminating on this, we're just bringing a light to it where you find that you drop into fault finding mode where you don't look on that particular area of your life with optimism, and I'll shall wanting a moment that I've worked on really hard because it was so silly and it was affecting everyone around me just take a moment and think is there an area? And again we're all perfectly imperfectly human because just the fact that you have these thoughts doesn't make you a bad person makes you riel there's no judgment it's just recognizing that many times why? Nope, I know well actually the people are in my life right now they're all benefit finders and others because I'm lucky in the fact that I choose I'm in a working environment, I work for myself, so I choose who to have in my life and if someone is that kind of person that finds fault in others, they're not in my life right now, you know they're just not who I choose to hang around in, but we don't know what the fault finding happens with ourselves. I'm asking you to write this down again not to ruminate ruminating in the negative and the past has not been shown to be beneficial when it comes to your happiness but it's not ignoring it it's just okay here's a week like a maybe a weaker thing that I would liketo work on when it comes to terms of my happiness and I can give you an example to show I'll show my faults for us and my my poor boyfriend people know him but I was a fault finding when it came to dishes like crazy like insane like you don't want to let you think you didn't think petra could go here like off the charts deep negative finding the fault specially I've been on a trip and I come home and there was no dishes in the sink and I would go and look to see if they were in there I come off my trip other dirty dishes in the sink I mean talk about looking for the false teeth going straight upstairs but don't go over there oh those dishes in the sink and it's all I could focus on and then I had a thought to myself there in the think because he's busy spending time with his kid he's busy spending time standing in service of others he's busy doing work so we can have a beautiful vacation fishes don't matter but man my reaction to those dishes changed energy was like the wicked witch of the west I mean seriously that whole house changed from happy patrick I mean suzy crazy but I mean and it affected myself and it's stuck with mamie it's on how ridiculous and that simple farm changed how I reacted in my relationship with my work and it just it just taught me so much about willpower wasted willpower what a waste so now I share you've gotta share something because that was pretty ridiculous. Denise very similar to you I love to leave my house clean when I leave the house and if I come home and my boys have their backpack out of place or maybe a song that started over the wall that yeah no no it's not them or their little the little beads from the turf from their soccer are on the floor I think why didn't you clean this up but you know they greet me with hey mom, how was your day? And I'm a wise the house such a mess when it really doesn't matter they're home they're happy to see me and I can't be grateful for that right and you know what this is like you know thoughts our electrical they happened so fast and so you can go into that space I mean I still catch myself occasionally going home clean the dishes but then I'm like then it's the power off the pause so I choose to jumping with two feet into that craziness or I choose to go okay petra is getting a little nuts right now breathe deep in health of four ex health six go into your happy place and it's over we have the power off choice of every moment does anyone else want to share? I can't wash in addition well because it doesn't make makes me into a person that I don't see myself as it's not you you are not this okay, you are not your brain but you know at work when you ask somebody to do something you asked them again and you asked them again on dh they still don't do it I become really mean ah, not crazy become mean yeah, yeah I probably act in a way that I don't I don't feel positive I don't feel it it just yeah well, may I get the result but the impact of what the cost of all right? So how can you switch that? And I think what could you find gratitude for will be grateful for in that moment, I think the benefit it would be beneficial for me maybe if I was able to share the impact on what that did to my day so it will create an understanding and a better communication path. Yes, the thing is you're now talking about how you're taking it on personally versus the environment you're in, so it all depends you know you could set up maybe strategies to help navigate that process more effectively for your management style I'm thinking, but I'm not sure that would necessarily help the situation itself or it's not the situation is how you react to the situation like we say this is just sage and the external isn't going to change yeah so what could you find in the internal reaction to that where you could find even maybe even go to gratitude but acceptance that this's they're doing the best that they can they're here to help me the best that they can but for that I'm grateful and you hold that doesn't mean it doesn't have to change but in that particular moment maybe you confined recognition that they're doing the best they can and then step outside from that what tools can I put in place to help them become stronger? One of my strength can I use to help them become stronger? I think I may have got it maybe maybe the benefit is understanding that their job at work is not necessary to please me or absolutely it's not their job to teo my they may well have other work there's proof we might be more important what I'd asked him to do all right that's but the fact that there's gratitude there that understanding that thank you for helping me as best as you can the fact that it's not your good enough just yet doesn't necessarily mean that that can be changed but it's changing it through then you then you put the strategy's in place to help them grow and get the probably a project manager get the protocols whatever the right terminology is in place to help them get stronger and you can only work from that place when you have gratitude makes sense and an acceptance hope that help you know it just even talking through yeah, it makes me realize because it's ah lot of the stuff that drives him crazy really isn't that important way of that dishes you know you've got work talking dishes. Oh, yeah, I actually have one for you. Okay. My fancy and I moved in together about seven months ago and he was kind enough to give me the big closet and take what? Good. However, every time his closet is messing out of order, I lose my mind and go crazy. And I was just sitting here listening to you thinking he gave me the big closet. What do I care if they get out of there there to cause it's in this world you're closet everybody leave his closet alone think that great comedian steve harvey, wait, guys, leave this just a genetic is a male female sometimes females female, male, male. I've seen it all kinds of elation andi, just you know, you get so mad at us for leaving the clothes on the floor, but we're not asking you to pick them up saying pick up my clothes that was my choice and every time I step over something I think of steve harvey I didn't ask me to pick it up I could leave it that you know but then I pick up takes me two seconds I mean I know we joke about this on dh I hope you're laughing at home too and this is about judgment but the thing that the reason it's so important when you bring awareness to it because these thoughts take energy and when these negative thoughts take hold is taking away from all that energy that you could be putting into a positive joyful, more flourishing life on one of the quickest way to turn this around is what can I find gratitude for in this moment and there is always something there is always something so we say now oftentimes we're benefit finder and others but what about in yourself? I like this people travel toe wander at the height of the mountains at the huge waves of the sea at the long course of the rivers at the vast compass of the ocean at the circular motion of the stars and yet they passed by themselves without wandering the wonder off us the wonder off our uniqueness and so I'd like you to do right now confederate in your notebook is take a moment and now think about a moment in your own personal life when you felt proud and accomplishment where you felt really good about something it could be something at work it could be something you did with family it could be helping a friend anything just something where you felt proud and I think that word pride brings up a sticking point for a lot of us, especially if you're british pride is seen as and negative but there's nothing wrong in having pride for work that you do for respecting yourself as a human being, acknowledging the work that you're doing that's not coming from ego is coming from recognizing your goodness, so just think of a moment I'm sure there are many but pick juan and you can do this at home would love to hear from you also when you really felt good about something you did and quite office when you were in service of others doesn't have to be my sister guy now and then what I'd like to do is have someone in this audience to start what anyone here want to share rene now, before you start showing what I'd like the others to do is take a post it notes, and as renee shares this story what I'd like you guys to dio I'd like you have creative at home to do, write this in and write to us the words that you hear that resounded with you, the words that you hear of rene strength x as she tells this story um, the moment I'm most proud of happened about ten years ago I graduated, I've got my a in sign language studies and I was so proud because I thought I was really old then too, and I have been through a lot of divorce I lost my mother lost my grandfather, my dad died and, um my kids weren't kind of settled in the world that kind of made me a little crazy, but I stuck to it, I persevered and I finished school and that day I was so proud because it was an example that I needed to set for my children for myself and I just I was really happy I was so happy because I finally accomplished something I thought that was worth while and that was a good example for my children and other people that knew me awesome. So thank you for showing that. So what I hear in your story rene is rene is strong, she is tenacious, she is courageous, rene is resilient, rene is a caretaker, she perseveres and she is a great role model for her children and then I'm going to take this and I have your bucket please I don't like everyone else to do the same and then when you are home with you like I don't know what the heck's going on you can open those up and go. I am. I am this and you take it on and you feel other people's buckets and that's. What? We should be anyone online that wants to share with us. Um, you know, think about it. How you can share gratitude and how share the moments with the people around you let them know the strength that you see in them. It's. Amazing the power that your words can have gratitude turns what we have into enough. It allows us to flip the switch from I have to do this, tio. I get to do this, but I have to go to work. I get to go to a job. I have to get up. I get the opportunity to step into this day with my health. Annie dillon says how we spend our days, how we spend our movement is, of course, how we spend our lives when you attuned into the positives that others may miss. Guess what you become luckier. You see the opportunity, you see the good you see the greatness and every moment gratitude turns us out of the eye and moves us into the world. And it really needs to be heartfelt, like I said before, to make a difference.