Segment 29 - Accepting Fear to Build Your Best Life
So how do we bring presents to fear? Well, we talked about this yesterday you cannot build your courage muscle without challenging yourself you cannot build your courage muscle without failure. The most successful people in this world have also failed the most because as they fail more they also have many, many successes along the way. So sometimes the only way tio get through our fears is to do just that get through them deal with them versus avoided avoidance will never lead to growth. Avoidance only makes it worse and I can attest to that because when I had my anxiety and panic instead of making friends with it, I would avoid it. So guess what avoidance does it feeds the channel every time I turned down a work invitation or a job or tv appearance I was feeding that yeah, you know what? You don't know it all. You are going to have an anxiety attack, the only way to starve it is to make friends with it. I just want you to know that we all have our fears and it's okay to sit in with it...
and be with it before meetings before a big event before asking him out on a date before going for that job before applying for a job know that you're not alone, you're not your thoughts you are not your fears fear is not a weakness and if we apply breath to it and mindfulness to it, we can feel the fear and do it anyway I would love you to turn to page sixteen if you would and in a moment where it says sometimes what you're afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free they were not ruminating here we're just kind of be mindful can you take a moment and write down an area in your life that maybe has a little bit of fear attached to it? It might be something that you really know like, oh yeah, easy or kind of to think about it like, oh, you know, I'm not sure and there's no wrong or right and we're not gonna ruminate ruminate on it we just going to shine a light on it making the friends of it and kick it to the curb just a area in your life but those self limiting beliefs might be stopping you and sometimes you don't always realize that it's that fear but maybe put it this way is that something that if you didn't make it or didn't work the way you thought it, the stakes or the risk seems a little high for you right now? What would that be like if I tried that and it didn't work? I don't know if my heart could take it or I don't know if you know I could deal with that right now I've always wanted this one thing but my fear is that if I you got it you know something's weird like marianne williamson sometimes it's not the fear of failure what what happens when they say yes then you gotta show up creative life said yes omg threw the backpack with the cell phone medication stayed at home but you know how do we how do we continue to grow and expand and take risks? And I think for many of us if you're not taking risks I mean silly risks I mean but but life with thought risks you feeling that fear pushing the bounds little bit pushing your belief of what you're really stretching that courage muscle it's something in your life that you're like came ate and then think about what could I take from this day or yesterday? Maybe it's gratitude how could I change that into a threat take it from a threat to an opportunity and if anyone in my creators or anyone wants to share or anyone here wants to share well in studio audience, they're still thinking sander online said I think my biggest problem is not knowing and then I focus on the not knowing creates thoughts that I don't want meditation is a tool to help you focus better and be more aware of the self and I like you this is the second time we've heard not knowing I love that the fact that we are in the knowing off not knowing is a beautiful saying because our culture expects to sto have goals and drive and this and that and sometimes our life shifts are passion shifts are values shift and I'm thinking that maybe if you're on the not knowing st something's just shifted for you and when something shifts we need time to adjust to that sit in the paws before we then move forward taking stuff off our life versus packing it in so I love that does anyone want to share like, well, twist my sister dawn oh jackie yeah with this next career move I keep talking about and I have done anything yet yeah, I think mine is like that of fear of an unknown, you know? Well, successful what you know, can I endure some financial risk changing flux on dh? You know, it'll be transitioning from a very secure, which has been for twenty three years has been a very secure position to, you know, being more on my own uh, can I balance still working and yet shifting to someone of being on my own or delay make a bigger leap so those air all these unknowns, um but I remember now that we're talking about the unknown, you know, I remember a time in my life where I chose the unknown with great excitement, you know, because the unknown just seems so much more appealing than the known and I've been in that position and that worked out and I and I was able to do because I felt confident and I had I had a backpack on, you know that I thought would serve me well, I had some good tools and so I think I'm that is helping me to think that oh, yeah, I've been in the unknown before, I think I can call upon things I have that will get me through that, but I wanted to say also about the meditation it was so good to hear her because I had done the type of meditation where you try and have no thoughts and, you know, you can't be upset with yourself if thoughts come in, you know, it was okay could be accepting of having exported time having no thought, but this was so helpful, tio have thoughts and and really choose the kind of thoughts you really wantto have in those moments I was just sharing thie other day that I had been meditating in the morning, and instead of trying to get rid of my thoughts, I've been allowing thoughts to come in and they've been like really fresh ideas it's like I was able to sit still enough clear enough away that really refreshing creative thoughts would come, and it was something I started to really look forward to it first thing in the morning, I love that the people out there that saying, I'm not knowing, sometimes we we go searching, we don't know when is jackie's reflecting? Sometimes you just need to sit in the not knowing don't go looking, let the knowing find you and such a night go out and find more like uncovering. I would think that when you sitting in the stillness, amazing things come to you, and I also want to, like, also clarify here what I'm talking about it, like the self livers, limiting beliefs are the ones not grounded in reality, not grounded in reality. We also have things that we have to deal with, you know, this is research based, grounded in reality. So, jackie, a few years ago, you might have had the bill, same bills you might have had the same, you know, physical restraints of life, kids that you took care of on your own. You know, as we get older, sometimes our backpack gets filled of just, you know, the stuff that its life bills and college, and so sometimes those constraints are very riel, but the constraints I really am focusing on this time, other ones that have not really, but our body and our life takes them on azriel so I think there's so many pieces that you know you have that backpack of courage and resilience and creativity and how we take those tools on bring that backpack into this part of my life journey what's a sum restraints and still find my passion and it doesn't have to be an all or nothing tall says the tar any of the or it could be your passion on maybe I'm staying here right now too deal with my life constraints because I'm very grateful for these constraints that they allow me for a beautiful home and ah, life does that make sense that's really helpful the real and not real because there are real risks? Absolutely I wonder if their other fears that air allowing me to make those my excuse teo and that's where we bring awareness to the power ofthe thought thank you for that, jackie so again, I wanted this course is grounded in science on dh realism yeah, I'm not telling you to go out tomorrow I'm looking for happiness I'm throwing everything into the wind that's not going to make you happy that's going to make you really scared and terrified it's not going to serve anybody because you're going to be scrambling, so what can we do in these constraints and restraint of this thing called a beautiful life but what I want us to really be mindful of and bring awareness to the constraints off off thoughts that are a self limiting beliefs they can also have a huge impact the non riel having a massive impact on the real does that make sense? Because that's the take home I want over these next two days and the biggest thing another anything remember your brain does not know the difference between a thought on what israel research based it's proven it's evidence, so these cells limiting beliefs that we put into our brain over and over again affects your real life and the quality of your life. So thank you anyone else? Jenny started my love forget never never forget my favorite sister in the whole world who got me coffee this morning, so I was so grateful. So this is interesting because again I'm actually not sure that these aren't true, but I heard them so one of the things that makes me the happiness is dancing, yeah, but social dance because I do partner dancing south west coast swing, so partner dancing, they have social events, I don't go to those I'll go to a class with the other men in the class, I'll pay to dance well, they're not paid to actually get paid to wait on you not to bring that up jenny don't bring up the paying for dancing but you know, like I'll take a private lesson I don't have a fabulous time I'll take a group class that's a bit more challenging for me because there is that moment where they have to step up and choose a partner I'm six foot toll a lot of the times I'm going to be the tour I'm tall us by around so that's the first thing that is a truth so I'm not necessarily going to be the first partner that most male partners would pick but then the other stuff comes in I'm not a good enough dancer right tough well it's tough and it's so sweet that you're recognizing that that these thoughts what israel khun trigger thoughts but the trigger is not based in reality that's what's important the fact that maybe someone didn't come to you first because of your height has got nothing to do with the fact that you were not a good dancer but that is true that's truth but what happens is I guarantee that reptilian brain of course I'm only become are not good dancer because I can't remember starts I'm completely frozen I'm thinking panic, panic, panic by so and so I avoid those social situations I avoid those moments you know there are times I gotta be honest, you don't always have to be courageous, you know and be compassionate with yourself I'm not saying tomorrow find your fear and go on face it head on if you don't want to go social dancing for a while but if it's making your world smaller off something you really want to dio, then we'll go social dancing together because I saw you were dancing a little pill I'm from liverpool originally you rocked that dance for you rocked it I was an aura of my sister, but be compassionate with yourselves to we would never tell a friend of ours like, oh, you're afraid of this because it triggers this we need to go and deal with that tomorrow we're going to kick it in his head I mean so it and then don't place judgment on that, but we recognize it and then we step back and I asked myself, is this making my life a little smaller in a way that I really don't want it to be? And if the answer is yes, then let's look at what that little trigger is, what happens between that reality on that scott that is so fast I haven't even caught it yet that triggers that whole shame I'm not good enough worthy enough, whatever it is enough enough enough because we all have them I do think that you know not to bash, but it just stand back those three ladies, yes, yeah, I never wake same teacher. We've both got issues, you know? But yeah, we mean them. No, l know amazing women. And you you teach what you know, and unfortunately, we're fear based teachers. So they learned that from someone. So who is it that says you do the best that you can do at the time? Maya angelou, I think, says that, you know, you do the best that you could do. And when I talk about my dad and all loving this, he did the best he could do at the time he learned from his father, who learned from his father, you know? And then we could be the change of that reptilian brain is never going to go away, it's part of who we are, that's, why I want us to understand, so have compassion for that side. But again, don't let those thoughts change and create your reality because they will if we don't find them and when else want to share and they will begin to kind of yes, denise, I am I feel very minute of my day with business and I will complain about how busy I am and I don't have time to dater to do all this other staff are to create more business opportunities. But I am now realizing that I feel every minute with my time so they can. Teo teo is because of that and not because I have too busy to be a line the boys now I think because if I need time I somehow have lots of time you know? Um yeah it's big haha won the focus and the only people that can answer these questions are us because outside looking in I loaded nishi has two beautiful boys a thriving practice you know, I look at it once the news has to be busy she's going to pay the bail she's got two boys to put through college university but only we know our truth and it is no one's business but your business to know your truth but in that you're the only one that can be packed coach on dh that's what these tools do based on positive psychology they let you be that coach that you would hope for your kids the one that loves you the one that cherishes you the one that sees the dark side but celebrates the light and celebrates that dark side that gives you the tools to live up to your beliefs, not lived down to your beliefs and it's finding that space that we could be our old best cheerleader and then once we can take, tend and befriend the eye just think what it could do for those around us and lift each other up and just know that we're not alone in this thinking and that sometimes it's sitting in the not knowing that can be terrifying the slowing down can be terrifying so changed that terror to opportunity greet it with appreciative inquiry like whom that curiosity like opening a new president what's this gonna unveil just flipping that switch how can this help my life or why is this holding me back without judgment itjust if and you are not alone I think it's interesting how we can psych ourselves out on jenny when you were speaking I relate to that so much and I think we do it to ourselves even hear a creative life if we trip upon a word or something well beat ourselves you know and all everyone we work with us so supportive but we'll beat ourselves up and then we'll go off and somebody will say wow you guys were so great so I think we all do that type of thing to ourselves you know and just getting past it yeah on again and it's part of our humanity is part of our dna on negativity but think about this this morning thinking how involved I had become I suddenly dropped back to a cbs like when I don't like twelve years ago and it felt like yesterday all I could focus on was what had gone wrong because I was outside and I was talking about technology technology of all things and how it could help our workouts and I couldn't remember the name of this shoe I was mortified and it was a ll this shit and I was listening it felt like an eternity I'm there on live tv go on the and I found it pose three seconds it let she felt like three hours like omg on dh then what happened is the wind came along and blew the sat down basically so no one was thinking about that I couldn't remember the shooting aim they were fascinated to see the second basically down times square and into like central park to this day the two things I remember is aye I could remember the name of the shoe and behind it was like oh, I had such a great punch line but I missed it I'm still holding on to the punchline twelve years later but punchline wass yeah but I wish the technology had been able to anticipate the wind just came along brilliant twelve years later I'm still holding on to that and I think I'm teaching this stuff but anyway just know and then when my strength is humor so you just roll with the punches we're all human and just give ourselves a break here because life is stressful enough we're gonna have good days courageous days I'm going to have days when we're not we're not even well. We don't have much sleep. We haven't moved our body, our mind are brains, so everything we're talking about here is just helping you keep that foundation strong and it's, like any any piece of what we're talking about over these past two days. If you don't use it on a regular basis, you lose it. No judgment. Oh, you know what I'm not feeling in practice. My gratitude recently, that's work on that this next week, or really have me moving my body that much, and I loved it when amy said, the reason we can't quiet our minds, because we're not moving our bodies, that was like that. All half of me made complete sense.