Segment 5 - How to Create a Happier Life
So we also talk about fitness and our life and framing up our life let's touch about that a little bit right now and that's failure how we view failure because a big part of leading a resilient and flourishing life is how we reinterpret or interpret that word and then what do we do with it? For me, failure used to mean not being perfect it wasn't perfect, it wasn't good enough if I wasn't perfect, I had failed if this presentation wasn't one hundred percent perfect with no arms and ours and no technical discrepancies, I discounted everything about it so the parable thoughts not just affect how we move into our life, it affects how we react to what happens in our life. It's called a benefit finder versus a fault finding we're gonna talk a little bit more about this later on, but can we find the benefits in learning to fail here's the thing courage doesn't grow in safety places and the young meanness in our life happens when we stretch our courage muscle and if you've never been stretche...
d, I say your dreams are not big enough. My boyfriend will often say get comfortable in the discomfort, but how do we do that? We move when I get really uncomfortable right now and really anxious about maybe a presentation I'm going to do or step it off into a bigger platform like creative life if I sit and ruminate in my thoughts those little negative bias is will take over I get up and I move so today I invite you if you've got the upcoming meeting do those movements again put on your favorite song get out of your brain because you are not your brain you are not your thoughts and get into your breath through breath it enables us to be in the present moment and that brings us into our power so talking about reframing failure what that means to us it's either we learned to fail or we fail to learn so what is so bad about not making it? Some of our greatest inventions are from failures penicillin his action invention that was thrown away or a piece of research was thrown away and then he saw all the other stuff happened penicillin slinky it was not meant to be a sneaky post it notes originally were meant to be sticky glue michael jordan how many times that he missed that hope before he made it failing isn't failing it's learning to fall down and then get up and it is to failure that you become more courageous mohr resilient those little failures also lead to many successes and make you more resilient so for me it's not just about my thoughts it's how I frame up my thoughts when things don't always go right so we talk about the power off the thought and forget we talk about the negative bias on the positivity, bias and thought that become things. So what is the research in the evidence behind that we see people when they have a more positive outlook there bear able to find the good in the not so good on? I'd call it like that the luck factor, the luck factor when you have a more optimistic outlook in your life, you just tend to be more lucky didn't find that those feel that just lucky, but what happens when you're a benefit? Find it and you have an optimistic outlook you tend to look for the good and the good finds you, for example, I was flying the other day and we saw my favorite song in the whole world came on to me. That was a sign that was a sign I'm going to create a life for l it's a sign so my whole outlook changed. I get to my hotel room. Guess what movie is on the tv? Happy it's a sign it's a sign on is called an upward spiral I spiraled upward my thoughts spiral upward. My outlook on life spirals at work, my energy around others spirals upward. I came here and there was another old and I went to get a coffee and they had my dessert dessert? Yes, they have my dessert on they said petra and this girl reached out doesn't know this is must be mine mean petra's not a common name on your name's petra yes my name's petra it's assign has a sign so again it's not that we don't see the signs they're already there it's how we interpret what is happening around us what is the good that's happening around us? We miss every day in these precious precious moments and we talk about life is what happens to us when we're busy making plans and invite you at home don't wait for the traumatic things in your life toe wake us up to how lucky we are why is it that we suddenly have this gratitude for the extraordinary mundane moments of our lives when we hear of a tragedy? We all have things like that we take for granted and it's through gratitude when he can move that taking for granted into gratitude there are whole life chains our whole view on a work ah whole view on how lucky we are in life. So I'd like you to think for a moment about really envisioning something you're looking forward teo and how that might change if you looked forward to something you would like to see yourself in the world from a positive optimistic ignoring the negative knowing that he's always going to be there but thinking the what if not what if not but what if my most magnificent life what would that look like to you? How would your life change if you move from a place off passion purpose, serving others versus fear doubt and why and it's not saying that they're not going to go away they're always going to be there but whether you choose to take action from this sphere base place on negativity bias that's been with us for hundreds of thousands of years it's not going anywhere but do we let that be our driver or do we step into ah positivity place and that that be our driver and it's not the either or it's I'm never going to be afraid and yes I can get anxious and I can get nervous and I can still whine about not being perfect but do I make my decision to let that stop me? I gotta go okay make friends with that stop feeding that and then from my positive grounded optimistic place move forward and it's a fear courage is not having not having fear it's feeling it and going ahead with it anyway I'd love to hear from our audience right here and here what what that that view is for each of you how this is how this is spawning your ideas and thoughts those petrus talking denise you it's bringing up that I need to let go of trying to be perfect and what other people think about me and what should I do this? What is the perception to the outside world instead? How is it going to feel to me? And and how is this gonna move me forward instead of limit me? I think a lot of us and wanted we're going to talk about this more on tomorrow. I think a lot of us feel that way. It's called the imposter syndrome. Yeah, on I am guilty of that. My biggest thing over showing again is I don't have letters after my name, but that stopped me for many years. I'm not patrick, all the phd or patrick all but you know, I'm petra kolber, but you don't need a phd to be ableto hopefully impact people's lives on many of us feel that way. They did research actually on psychotherapists in the nineteen seventies and seventy percent of them who were going to for help felt like imposters. So we're not alone in this feeling, and I think one thing I'd love to share right now is that you are not alone at home. We all feel like that we all have moments of not feeling good enough, but who are we? Whose rules are we living by? And that is coming from those old stories whose stories are you listening to? What story or how do you want to restore e the rest of your life based on what you want to do? I think for many of us it's that impostor syndrome, so I want us to alternate we all feel like that the ceo's feel like that. Maybe people in there, maybe a few have like massive, massive egos. They're very few and far between. We all feel like we're not good enough at some point, and we're gonna work through that over these next two days. Yes, I have a fear of disappointing others. Ah, fear of disappointing others. Yeah, and again, we'll talk about that tomorrow we can't change what happens around us that will never change, but we can change how we prime our mind and our thoughts on how we deal with that and we do our best. I give myself I give one hundred fifty percent and then don't look back like this this two day course of moving toe happiness. I hope it resonates with a lot of people out there, and I hope it resonates with you for the next two days, but it's not going to resonate with everybody. I can't do my best work and be authentic, which sounds like an overused word, but it's so true right now, trying to serve everybody elf because I don't have to be this person for this person and this person or that person and I did that in the fitness industry for many years not for many years but the past there was a span where fitness has really become very intense it's become like oh harder and faster and stronger and all of this and I just was like everyone's angry and hung angry in a cookie have a car but what I did but two years presenting on the circuit or did angry that there because I thought that's what sound and yeah my rooms were full and I walked off stage and I felt empty because that's not what I believed in I stand here today I believe in this message I know how khun change life and so I can't please everybody and that's a big lesson to learn and if you're going to disappoint people and sometimes it's just their expectations it had nothing to do with you again it's their thoughts on how they view the world and they have every right to that there's nothing we can do about that I say I give one hundred fifty percent show up one hundred percent one hundred fifty percent and I don't look back I looked for it I can always do better always I could always learn more I could always get someone's name better right you know I could I could be more eloquent with my words always but if I let that be my driver, I'd be sitting in my room right now looking a piece of paper going I have this idea called moving to happiness and that's where it was day yeah jackie yeah what's resonant resonating for me right now, it's not that I'm not good enough it's not necessarily worry about disappointing people, so maybe people watching this you know, online have made what I have and that is I've been at a job for you twenty three years it's a big job it's got a lot of perks it's got the money's there. That position is there. I used to be very passionate about it, but it has changed over the years and I have changed over the years and I met another stage of life now ready for the next chapter and I'm feeling I know what puts me into flo I know that I've got this creative thing that that I'm not able to do as much anymore and my job and so I'm looking for that change and I'm trying to gauge when to do it, how to do it, you know, what am I going to give up? But what am I gonna get return? And so I'm on this cuss and so, you know, taking this fuel this next, you know, step for decision or transition and I know I want to do it. I know I won't look back, but I don't know exactly. I need to pull from within that I'll figure out how to do a good thing is it is okay not to know we don't have to know right now I think that's nothing we need I need to do this. We're going to talk about goal setting. I think the next segment's weaken. Look at that and reframe what it is that you want to do, but also you have the constraints of life to financial yacht that are realistic things we deal with. I would love to say that all going be on island to be happy and not worry about our bills, it's, not through it's not grounded in research and really life. We're not going to live up here. We're very rooted in reality, but even that jackie, even in going into work, when you know what your flow used to be, we can and I know you do this, you can still find the positive, even in the situations where you're not in flow, you can still look for the good, even when it's not quite at your sweet spot, and then many times we say, you know, your passion, your purpose doesn't always have to happen at work. You can have your passion, your purpose outside of work, your family, your hobbies, your photography, your garden and if you're very very lucky, sometimes your passion, your purpose and your work all comes together, but when that doesn't happen, we can then reframe and prime ourself, especially if you're in I work for myself, so I'm very I can be very selective on who I choose to surround myself with. We don't all have that luxury. Sometimes you go into an office space and you have that energy that's not the most uplifting but gas what social contagion, emotional contagion you can live by example, actions speak louder than words, so invite us all over these next couple of days to think how are my actions changing the world? One person makes a difference, and so also is then also looking at that, the change the change is that might happen on looking at them as opportunities versus threats, because our body doesn't recognize the difference between a thought and what's really also about this in detail, we talked about fear, but whether you're thinking it or it's actually happening where the you're thinking that this is a threat like I really want to go for this job, but I can really shut yourself down like if I looked at today is a threat like, oh my god, I'm not perfect, I'm going or look at it as like an opportunity that one shift in my thought changed which neurons in my brain and out currently firing and changes everything about the next two days negative bias, positivity, bias we go the negative bias, I think of our brain as like rivers think of your brain as rivers right now trickling with rain and the rain are our thoughts are all these beautiful rivers in your brain? And up until recently, we thought those rivers didn't change, but now we're seeing neural plasticity, the longest word I will ever say over these next two days. Your brain is constantly changing. We used to think that it stopped growing at a certain age till the day we die. We have the power, not on everything something's, a genetic, but your thoughts change the pathways off your brain. So and I have a river of a pathway that saying, oh my gosh, this is a threat, I'm not going to be perfect and feeding that with my thoughts is the coming thicker and wider it's flowing stronger I'm ignoring the pathway to say you can not, but you need to share this world about people moving to happen is how back in that b how bad can it be that people don't want to get happy? And you got youth learns through all this research how to do that? I'd ignore that part of my brain, it dries up and my fear based thinking starts to overtake and it affects every other area of my life. If I change that andi, ignore that fear based thinking or I catch it it's awareness first thing is awareness, you catch it, I caught it this morning I started going into that thoughts and I refused to feed it anymore with my thoughts, and I shifted over to the other side not quite happen like that, but, you know, get the idea. I wish it was that easy, but then I could move from a place of opportunity and purpose and gratitude, and the more you ignore the negativity bias. It kind of drives up like my anxiety was chronic for seven years, the thought of standing up here without medication beyond the beyond me but that negativity bias ruled my life for many years, but I begin a fur, I made friends with it and I accepted it I didn't judge it and allowed me to now stand up here and it's not either, or sometimes we need medication to help us get through to the next part of our life. But through that, the power of my thoughts changed my entire life. Seven years ago, I would never have been here. I had turned down the today show the view um, so many television shows they call me up like, oh, I'm booked was the book was wide open, wide open, so open his crickets going on. But my fear of not being perfect on television stopped me. Those fear based thinking, my fight or flight have so driven into my brain and took it on, and then one day, I think was generally first one that enough? Enough, enough, I picked the phone back of us and you changed my calendar. I didn't change anything. It was always wide open still is I'll be there. And they said to me, we are so excited. We've been trying to get you here for two years. I've been turning down work for two years for fear of not being perfect had a great time. How did you know I was nervous? But, you know, and it wasn't perfect, but in the end I did, it was the end of the world.