All right, let's, do a quick around the room including online audience want to type in your answer what's your super power will have different powers but if you think about what is it that you're best at or better at than almost anybody else you know maybe not everybody but almost a belt what is it you're really really good at especially when it comes to communicating thinking, leading interacting with people what do you think you're better at than almost anybody else for being really honest, false humility aside so online you know really good at this let's go around the room who wants to start explaining technical things to non technical people and a good probably making field people feel comfortable good and no weak language roberto give us all a stern lecture make sure no weakling was very good I'm good at listening calmly and being ableto consolidate that feedback until kind of coherent thought uh seeing the potential for things and helping others take advantage of that potential g...
ood keep projecting your voice doesn't matter where you are I have a similar similar one helping people bring out their own potential listening imperfectly the league teams perceiving people's emotions what are we hearing online and russ and john just mona saying collaborating michael k conflict resolution and putting people at their ease um and photo love says people tell me they feel like I'm talking just to them that dream floor who's writing dream life breaking down big things into manageable tasks uh, mona collaborating now I personally and I can very quickly assimilate information and understand the point that people are making, so if you want to get really really good at this stuff guys focus on your strength and keep adding your strengths keep adding to those yes, we all have weaknesses strengths are much more important and we all have these what I would call superpowers and sometimes you don't really discover what they are until later in life. If gandhi, for example, what would you say? Gandhi superpower wass any guesses or thoughts? Empathy? Anybody else computer communicating a powerful ideas simply could not agree with all those powers but you want read his autobiography one of the things a lot of people thought is his true superpowers he had an iron will he literally couldn't be bent if he believes in something, but it didn't come out till it was later in life when he was a kid. According to him he was an average kid you don't know you're gandhi, you must have been his sick no was an average kid went to law school in the uk he's like average came a lawyer average truly average it was until he came to south africa and confronted social injustice that he discovered his superpower and literally you could cave in his skull, and he wouldn't. He wouldn't give in on something that was principle, but he didn't discover it till later in life. So each of us, if you do executive coaching us a pleasure to do with people all over the world, a lot of us have these hidden strength that we don't even know what they are. One of them is charisma for many of us. Everybody has charisma. Ariel, this person's charisma, she is charisma. We all have charisma. But you don't know how much you have until you discovered enough to find out what is charisma. It's really will think about the power court. You take adrian's camera over there's got a power court. Where does it have to be plugged in tow work anybody where you have to plug it in to work. What if you take it out of the camera? Is it still gonna work? Just gotta be plugged in where both ends. So your personality has to be plugged in both ends to the audience for your charisma to come online. Everything every presentation ever do should be at least fifteen percent customized on both ends. So the way you do the pitch to this company is not the same way you do it to another company, even though it's the same pitch and the way you pitch this group in the company is not the way you pitch another group in the same company you're constantly customizing and that's what plugs in your charisma is connecting your personality to the audiences personality so this small joe we're going to talk about the superpower that really makes effective speakers most people think well it must be charisma it's this personality aspect that's part of it with the greatest superpower is learning how to read an audience once you know how to read an audience there's almost no limit to how good you could become what we learned the ice names and flags about that eye contact why's the eye contact really matter looks good sounds good but why does it really matter anybody online why does it really matter? Why do why does it really matter why we have eye contact? Is that just something? Check the box oh yeah I have my good eye contact draws you in and engages you good what else for paying attention to the audience feels like they matter? Well, yes, you're not going to read the audience unless you're making eye contact with seeing what they're looking at thinking bingo almost all of you raise your hand if the statement is true you're pretty good at reading people one on one online raise your hand if that's true it's almost like you have super man's x ray vision you reading somebody one on one, you can really get a sense of where they're feeling, what they're talking about in their vibe, but you get out in front of the audience and what do we usually do? What happens to our x ray vision goes down to our reading materials or exactly we're focused either on what we script you never wanna holds paper you guys came up with a notebook a couple times generally you don't want to have any paper in your hand why not? This is track if someone's reading the script, who is it about them it's about them in their script, them in their content, nothing wrong with that, but they're not head's, not in the audience if you memorize your script it's still about you and your script, it needs to be more about the audience, so most people get up and they turned the x rays x ray vision off and now they're flying blind. They have no idea whether they're connecting the audience or not, so I want to teach you how to turn it back on and as you turn it back on through the eyes, names and flags, you can first be flooded with sensory data well, I mean there's a lot of different people when I do that, some people like it, some people, which one do I do? But then it just clicks layers into the mine wow okay the overall you read the group as a person overall are they with you or not engaged or not hungry curious and c and the more you read them the more this data helps you the audience is telling you everything you need to know about all the things we covered how long to the pauses need to be there telling you with their eyes whether they're filters air upper down there telling you with their eyes whether their involvement level is too low and they're not taking anything in there telling you with their eyes so if you're not reading that data you're not getting that all right we're gonna ask for another brave volunteer to demonstrate a little bit of this who would like to be the next victim I mean volunteer who have we not messed with enough lately all right laurie you want to do it I'm gonna have laurie go outside with roberto and here's what you're gonna do you're going to go on stage we'll put two chairs and you're gonna be sitting with your employees who wants to be the employees all right touch is going to the employee and when you come back in I'll tell you the scenario where he's off track and you have to get him on track you're the boss he works for you that's all you need to know if you go a couple people sending notes of bill what's that on your hand and so forth speaking of mistakes I was on a hike yesterday they said, well what were you doing? Were you jogging running's keenness that embarrassed to say I was walking and my wife and I did a hike in utah with our family and whole bunch of friends and walked up and instead of taking the lift out we decide to jog down and as I jogged it took a little bit of a mountain with me towards the end ok here's the scenario protection come on up grabbed the let's bring her back and here's what we're gonna do protest grab the other stool come up so he's the employee grab that stool come on up here and she is the boss now what she won't know is that he has had a terrible so the closest person to you and your family has a terrible illness that you just found out three weeks three weeks ago and has thrown you upside out. This person who is very close to you make up somebody who'd make up someone who should be my uncle so your uncle and it looks like he won't survive he may only have a small amount of time left and you were very, very close to your uncle and this is thrown you upside down you can't sleep, you can't function you don't know what to do but you're a private person you don't want to bother everybody with this but it's affected your work performance so if she comes in to say you got to be on time yeah you're you're right this reporting it needs to be in yeah I'll definitely get it in but if she's smart she'll figure out what the real issue is before she solves the problem understand the scenario god will make it easy for her okay you can bring laurie in okay have a seat here's the scenario laurie you're the boss protest is your employee and he's been a pretty good employee for a long time not the best but steady and reliable always get stuff on time and gets his reports done everything for you but a few weeks ago he started to slip he's been late for a few meetings he has a big report due tomorrow and it's not in yet and you're a little worried because you need that report now business is not kindergarten we got things to do trains to catch so you have to sit down and get him on track and get him performing well again you understand your task yes ready begin high sit down thank you. You know what? Um no I'm not sure you know you have a report to deliver tomorrow yes I believe that there linus tomorrow yes how is that going it's going okay and we'll be there on time yeah just like all of my boss reports have bean very well on when is that time uh when do you want it? Tomorrow I would like it for tonight, okay you wanted tonight you're being a very good employee and I appreciate everything you have done all this time you have been able to comply with everything and lately I've been feeling something off is everything okay at home? Well, now that you ask I do have some personal issues that I need to take care off but I don't believe that has impacted anything at the work. Okay uh probably it has you have changed the way your time when you come in he has changed its paws let's stop there. So overall what do we notice online offline what do we know this what's working what's not working um more questions I would open him up asking more questions how are things going? What else? What what's going on at home? What kind of questions was she starting with about the work by the work is the work done? Do you know when the work is due and these are not really questions their statements disguises questions saying come on I'm trying to tell you make sure you know your place and what you need to do what question did she ask that did work has everything else very good talking about your lucky guesses so now what's the point we're all like dr ridge of brilliant surgeons the problem is we often skip one step so somebody walks into a hospital and they're dragging a leg and they have blood on one arm and their hair is all messed up and we say just lay down let me start cutting that leg because we're such good surgeons we want to start the surgery right away but what should we do first what happened what happened diagnosis before surgery and the smarter you are the more prone you are to this problem we instantly want to fix the problem without taking a moment to figure out what it really is so first technique I wanna practice is called short open questions let's see if you can do a couple more open questions to see figure out a little bit more of what the problem is ready one minute more begin how are you doing ok thanks for asking everything good at home how's your wife your kids uh yeah now that you ask things are good with wife and kid but um I do have an uncle who is um who might not survive he has a personal health problem anything we can do to help to support you to help you out you need some time off well, yeah I would actually appreciate taking a week off to take care of my personal affairs that's, possible robbery. Come working that we do have something to you to more. Is there any way you need help with that? Can you deliver it? Alright, let's, stop there. So good job. Much better. So what does she do differently? Personal first diagnose first surgery second. So you figure out what the real issue is now once you know what the issue we can't tell you what to do, but you find your own solutions. Most of us are good at solving things where alligators would love to solve the problem. Make sure we're solving the right problem if you think he's slacking off because he's not working hard enough, then you're misdiagnosing the actual issue. All right, you guys can have a seat. And I learned some of these techniques from my friend jim. A stock you was one of the best people. I know. What asking questions. And part of it is short up. When questions you wanna ask questions of less than five words? Why what's an open question? First of all, what's open question me invites a sentence for an answer rather than yes or no, right. So, it's a closed question. If it's yes or no is the reporter gonna be on time or not? Do you know what you're supposed to be doing if it's a yes or no it's a closed question? Open question means there's there's no limit to answers in short, less than five words why does that matter? Why's it matter that's less than five words? Does it keep it kind of vague so that the person answering can continue with more details? Good. If it's more than five words, it starts to be about who the person asking very good, really about us it's, not really about them. Larry king was that's what's one of your secrets what? I met him once what's your secret to being on the air twenty five years, he said, somebody gave me a tip when I first started, he said, if your questions more than two sentences it's about you, not them but us showing off how smart we are and there's times we want to do those times we want to assert state and say things, but if you really want them to open up, think about it like this, especially once a difficult topic. Let's say you've got a mountain and their thoughts are the inside of the mountain and there a train coming out of the mountain on the track and you're trying to get them to share something that's not so easy to share does everybody know this explosion expression english train of thought you know this expression you're trying to get their train of thought out so if they start out saying well is there anything bothering you? Yeah there's some stuff I'm dealing with they have the train of thoughts is kind of peeking out the tunnel you've got to draw the train out so when you say say more about that what's behind that would you like to share what it is when it's a short number of questions they're trained comes out as soon as I go along? Oh yeah I have things that deal with I have to deal with at home and all the time and assumes I go more than five words what happens to their train of thought goes back in it goes back in or gets derailed and literally the brain can't hold two thoughts at once so my thought has taken over the track doesn't mean I can't get theirs back on track but I've made it harder for them instead of easier so say more about that why is that true and the ultimate short open question is you just do the spot eyebrow and just look at them like why and you silence to pull them in why the silence work there's a got some scientists in the group anybody know determined physics nature abhors a vacuum what does that mean? Things moved to fill in all available space people want to fill the vat filled the vacuum fill the silence with words very good so as a communicator you can use silence as a superpower to pull people in and the physics thing is if you had a balloon we have natasha and me could join us the back natasha knows that if you blow up a balloon and you suck the air out of the blue and what happens to the balloon collapses right if you stalk diego what if you had a cardboard box and perfectly sealed and you had a vacuum that was strong enough if you suck all the air of the cardboard box what would happen something would collapse what if you had a six inch steel gauge case boxed and perfectly sealed but you had a vacuum strong enough what would happen to the six inch steel it will collapse it has to because nature does not allow nothing something has to fill the space so when you're speaking to somebody and russ is on the edge of saying something and I say why and paws the more uncomfortable to silence becomes the mauritz working to pull his train out most of us want to fill that we don't want that uncomfortable this but there's times it really works to your advantage so we'll take a couple more techniques that we're going to another role playing practice so short open questions roberto can we hand out some of the questions so those of you online, go ahead, run really good comment, dream floor says I had a boss to come, I would have said none of your business, she instead of that type of relationship. So I think in in this, you know, we need to be sure that we're establishing the right relationship, whether it's in this kind of bus employee scenario, on a long term basis or as speakers, you have to send it up very quickly, set up and or respect whatever it is, and for those of you online, you khun goto on the room, dot com under training or look for twenty questions, you're gonna find the same questions that we're going to use on the room, dot com training and twenty questions. So some people also say, well, when I'm the boss, once I know it's personal, I don't want to know what it is, and I can relate to that companies that I worked with. Sometimes all you need to know is if it's a personal issue, how can we be helpful? I don't need to know what it is. In fact, I don't want to know what it is, but if there's an issue, we respect it it's, none of our business. But what can we do to help? You know, I need to leave an hour early or I need to do this or I need some time off, so only you can decide how you solve it or address it once it surfaced. But you want to make sure you know what it isthe most times and management and communication, we guess because we're so crazy smart, we think we know and a lot of times were right, but we're playing darts sake. So what's the issue with you it was a problem at home. Oh, that's, not it. Uh, let me try something else. Is your employees giving you trouble? Well, that's, not it we're throwing darts, we're guessing, but we don't have to. Once we used these techniques, we can very quickly assess what it is and get them to want to open up so short open questions, everybody turned to a partner and decide which of you got the most sleep we're last night of the two of you raise your hand. Who got the most sleep last night? We had some great presentations on the effectiveness of sleep. All right, jeanne and jennifer, I'm gonna move you up here on stage, come on up and sleepers you're going to ask the first question of your partner's so who's the sleeper well, mostly mum out the same amount you're holding the cards you're gonna go first okay, so you're gonna randomly pick anyone in the twenty questions I don't care if you're gonna ask her a question whatever she says two or three times in a row you're going to ask you short open question so what are examples of short open questions very quickly tell me more well how else in what way? In what way? Why why why is one of the best ones you will ever get? I was doing this with a group of agents in hollywood and one of them I was making fun of the technique like ha ha come on bill and he the next day he popped his head back in the office where I wass and he said I have to eat some crow it's like why would you do this time? He said when I went home I did the why why why three times? This is almost like a joke with my girlfriend, he said we end up having the best conversation we had in like a year and a half because I actually started listening to what she's saying so like nova cave even when you know they're coming they could work so you're gonna ask a question and no matter what they say follow up with three short open questions in a roll everybody understand what we're doing ready begin how do you know what job someday you're asking her what do you enjoy due to your partners go ahead what do you enjoy most about work I enjoy having people around that are like minded apparently some people are like minded why is that? Because I enjoy having, uh, connection with people how does that make you feel? Um longer pause before you answer before you ask the next question it makes me feel happy happier to be around people that are supportive and I'm connected teo great say why does that matter to you? Why does that matter to you? Because I like to make sure that all areas of my life including work then in all areas I'm surrounding myself with people who are supportive and positive and helping me in some way helping may be a better person so helping may be happier supporting mais um something that really makes me happy alright let's stop there freeze so what did you learn that you didn't already know and how did you learn it? Well the question was what do you enjoy most about work? And it turned out that what I learned was that jennifer loves people at home or at work so it went way beyond the question and what I learned listening is that it's really important to you to be in a place where people are supporting each other that's a big value for you so think of a little bit like the iceberg we've got the top of the iceberg that we can see in the bottom of the iceberg in our subconscious we don't even know sometimes how we think or why we think the way we think because we never thought about that deeply so here's the superpower trick when you ask somebody question they look back at you I talked to gerry, he looks at me straight on that means if he's answering the question, looking me straight on this is not an original question for him he doesn't have to think too deeply if he looks up or looked down that's my coaching that's my gotcha! I got him below the waterline he's now thinking of something he never thought of before and when you're an interviewer that's your kibble in bits that you like gotcha! So let's switch you two go down there and retention shauna, come on up here and switch hands now same thing I want you to go for keep asking short open questions till you get to their eyes look considering something they've never asked before, so practicing silence if they're about to say something don't speak, ask any question you want and then short open questions till you get to that place where they've never considered that before everybody understand ready and begin what makes a great boss I think a great boss is somebody who allows his employees to double up and helps them succeed how uh how would you help them succeed? Uh he helps them accomplish goals whatever the goals of the companies are have you had a boss that's dies for you yes, I have been very fortunate go back to an open question so helps him succeed say why does that matter take it to him to lower of his subconscious why does it matter that you want balls that succeed uh because, uh, feeling accomplished is one of the biggest uh, factors in making people feel happy about themselves you're making people feel satisfied with their work. So question so if I'm using that to get to my next open question doesn't count or not like asking level of awesome then asking for a specific scenario but when you're doing you're bringing it back above the water line and you're you you took over the track you got him thinking of a different way than he was thinking when I watch you go deeper so just keep saying so what? Why does that matter keep going? Uh why does keeping employees happy matter? Because um happier employees are more productive, it costs a lot to bring them on board if you lose them in the valley it's very hard to find and keep good talent so so what uh, if your employees are not successful, you are not successful, and which means you will have problems with your loss. All right, so, let's, stop there. Freeze. Okay, so you don't get it. So we're getting better and better at asking these short open questions, but one of the keys is to suspend our own agenda because we want to take it in different directions. We see interesting possibilities. It's very normal, but you have to take have the mental strength to set aside your own agenda. What does that mean? They might know the famous experiment with the monkey in the jar in the banana. They might know what I'm talking about, richard, you know what I'm assuming, puts his hand in there, try to get a banana and needs to open the hands very good. So this famous experiment in the zoo, the monkey there's, a jar of class char and they put a banana in there, the monkey squeezed hand in and just couldn't barely get through any grabs the banana. You can't get it out because it's too narrow and he walks around for an hour and a half with the jar on his hand because he doesn't want to let go of the mana, but he can't get it out that way in some ways that's all about we can't let go off what we think and what we do who can set their own agenda aside for a moment someone who's mentally strong for someone who's mentally weak you have to be mentally strained doesn't mean don't have an agenda just means I'm gonna set aside to really be curious you wanna know a trick to make the audience think you actually care what they think you don't know a really good trick actually care what they think works amazingly well so in that one on one conversation or large grouper small group it doesn't matter it means you set things aside I really want to know why do you feel this way and you'll get to a deeper place alright technique number two but first let's do another role play I need another brave volunteer all right gerri you're going to be the boss and who would like to be gary's employee who hasn't been on stage okay richard all right gerri you're going to go out with roberto and the scenario is gonna be very similar than the last one which is they're not on track. You need to get them on track okay? You guys have a seat richard come on up and here's the scenario I want you guys to know an online you can type in what you see and what you notice that gary does well or what you might do differently if you were him in fact, online let's make that your question what would be your first question or two questions as you think about that so here's the scenario richard's been a pretty good employee not the best but steady reliable in a few weeks ago it's been slipping a little bit same thing as before late for meetings big report due tomorrow it's not done yet and gary has to get his report in and on track of course he knows there's a hitch but he has no what it is and this is what it is you feel constantly like they don't give you enough work every time you help make the slides for everybody's presentation and every time you offer hey, I could help present the size and I was like, no, no no richard way got that were fine, but you want to present the sides and they never let you you keep applying for promotions and you never get them you think you're capable of doing so much more and they don't listen and three weeks ago you got a call from a recruiter and the recruiter offered you an interview with another company and you went and it led to a second interview the third interview and now they've offered you a job the job actually pays a little bit less than the job you have right now and your tourney you're thinking about taking the job because it feels like they really want you when you might advance more there but you also might want to stay here you just don't know what to do so that's the issue it's not something he can guess so if he just thinks is there a problem at home he's gonna be lost you can give him little hints but don't make it easy for see if he s good open questions and online what questions would you ask if you were gary all right, gary same situation richard's pretty good not the best he's worked with you for a couple of years for the last few weeks little bit slacking a little bit late and the big report due tomorrow isn't in yet he has to help prepare much of slides for you. Okay, you need to get him on track. This is business not kindergarten teacher employees on track begin so richard how are you doing today? Good everything's good. Yeah uh so there's this deck that uh you know we need tomorrow how is that going? It'll be done will be done o k um so it's so it's due tomorrow is there any way I can help you out? Uh, no, I think I get, uh these test on and have a history of getting these test on on time, ok, ok, er s o I noticed something recently that's been different about you you know something's been off and would you care to talk about him? No no, I think things are ok ok everything going well at home yes yes, they're online type in what do you notice what would you do? What questions would you ask if you were gary course you know the answer is what makes it a bit easier but true uh lk says how do you feel about your performance lately? Good let's start with that one. Okay. How do you feel about your performance lately? I think not just lately I think uh sends a vineyard with company I have ah good record of getting things done accomplishing a whole bunch of tasks um and uh doing it and doing it well yeah, I think I mean I think you've done really well, um ever since you joined this company policy will teach you the next technique once you go over five words what happens uh it's about me it's about you. Okay. Next technique is called the columbia technique and I know who columbo is who's columbo tv hard boil and what was he famous for? Just one more question. Just one more question and he used to wear what to wear trench rank old transfer they exceed four trench coats lined up just in case it was so important his character and he would play dumb so he would have someone like william shatner would commit the perfect crime or thought he did and he would be so one more question and they would act in even active played down but of course he was very clever and his trick wass he would repeat one word of what you said in nothing but the word and you felt compelled to talk about that word. So if william shatner's committed the perfect crime well he'd say so where were you when this crime committed? Well where I was every friday I was at the country club I long witnesses that alibi he said friday. Well, yes, I told detective every friday we almost every friday I go to the club almost yeah, almost I mean, everybody has habits sometimes we change things we do things we didn't plan to do, but that's didn't and he would repeat the word until the guy made a mistake and said something shouldn't set. Now what happens when you repeat one keyword what happens to that person's train when you repeat that word that becomes part of their train, they cannot stop but focus on that word like, don't everybody don't think about a draft right now do not think about a giraffe do not allow draft to be in your thoughts of course what do you all thinking about? So when you take one word that's what I want you to do, okay take his last chance you're gonna repeat it and just pick one word that you think has some value don't even know why I just think there's something interesting about that word repeat the word and then silence and he's gonna feel compelled to say more about that let's do that a couple times ready to go so how do you feel about your performance recently performances has been is good just like I've always been accomplishing things always been I think I have a good track record of accomplishing tasks and and uh checking off whatever is put in front of me okay uh track it tracking track record track record yeah I mean I think people put tasks in front of me and I and I uh and I check them off and get him done okay pause silence getting them done yeah, I mean that's what you know people tell me what to do and so I get the tasks and then they get to present the things that I'm doing what's the interesting word their present good there they either want a present yeah, they presents that all the work that I've done what's interesting now so they're presenting the word the work that you've done good stop yeah I mean I uh spent all this time putting all this stuff together and uh I think I know this stuff really well and then I never get a chance to present it so how does that make you feel how would that make you feel not very good on that's correct it doesn't make me feel very good so we'll have to do something about that I appreciate that everything okay? So now we're mixing columbo was short open questions but the goal is still to diagnose to get figure out what's really below the iceberg and in any situation if you don't figure what the real issue is you're not I'm gonna be able to dress it properly so we all know what the real scenario was he khun tell them off line but he had a nice good blend of asking what they are so let's do one more scenario and this time bring up a different step group come on up and who hasn't been on stage yet this module so laurie and jack come on up chatrooms asking questions l k was saying perhaps the good question is what can I do to help you feel great about your job on another one here is what else are you interested in doing good either one could get into the solution space or really diagnosis space all right, come on up, guys. Now jack I'm gonna have you be the employees and I want you to think of a problem come on up lori she's going to the boston that want you to think of a problem nobody would ever guess something's really bugging you let's go sit down and think about a problem nobody would guess you have to without any of us knowing the answer you have to figure out what it is so the rest of us including the online community is to feed you questions so you have to decide what's gonna help short open questions a columbo technique or anything else okay okay and we'll start out with the same scenario so report due tomorrow been steady lately slacking off but we don't know what's really bothering him ready begin hi how are you okay how's your day so far just fine really yeah good we have something really important for two more hostile going how's everything at home just fine why the questions I just wanted to know more about you know how everything is going around I'm speaking with everybody about it uh I should have no problems getting the stuff done you need done I don't doubt it I just wanted to know how things were moving along how you feel uh is everybody helping you out? You know what he starts I that means his train's coming out so what do you want to do stop stop your train and just mentally tug his out ready keep going I if you refuse to speak he has to watch what happens so yeah I mean I'm a my home's fine you know it's just this place here this is just kind of miserable, miserable yeah. Haven't you looked around here? Tell me about it. Well, I mean, uh, where to start. Wish to start the beginning. Ok, so so, you know, one night when I came here we had, you know, five hundred employees. It was a beautiful building. And now look at this place when I have janitors anymore. Have you ever been to the guy you call this the guy's bathroom? I probably will do that. All right. Good. So no go the guy's bathroom, but technique wise what's working what's working better questions, pause, waiting for answer and then using the colombo word of picking something out. Almost all the conflict that we face in our daily lives is passive aggressive conflict oh, it's not over it's not somebody yelling or screaming every once in a while we see that, but mostly it's things bug us, but we don't want to talk about because it's not easy to talk about you go home and your spouse your significant other your loved one how's. Everything going fine? Well, you already know what you're in trouble. Okay? Nothing. But I said, fine, well, what is it if I have to tell you what it is that you're even even more trouble? Well, we all have these feelings, but they're not easy to talk about all of us have had these situations where we don't want to raise the issue, but we still wanted to be solved so when you have these around you work and home, you have to stop the train and figure out what it is and one more technique is called clear the deck all right, jack, we've worked together for years tell me what's the really going on here you've always been a great performer something's bugging you so this company started out really great and now we've laid off people we've gotten rid off good so he opened up and the technique oh clear the deck is you literally take your hands ever do this with your hands take away like this all right let's put all this aside tell me what's really going on is very difficult to withstand the combination of caring and silence if I think you don't really care I can tune you out but I can't tell you because I know you don't care but I think you really care and you're really being persistent with silence it's almost impossible not to then tell you what's really going on so short open questions columbo clear the deck these air things that really get everybody going this is also a technique, but when I get in situations with people that are I'm in close relationships with I've done this thing since high school called truth talks well, we just lay everything out and just talk about maybe one thing we don't like about the other person or just be incredibly honest and it's been really helpful in any other relationships, even when there isn't a problem, just tow have truth talks and see how you convey better anything that seems comfortable and fine, very good. Okay, rhonda parts for these guys, a couple more will cover, and then we'll go into an act of practice. So first, the idea of what if once you've identified the problem, we know what it is, then we switch into solution mode. Well, what if we did this? What if we did that? I don't want spend too much time in that. Most of us are pretty good at that. Brainstorming that solution space and just always think about what's another way we can be resourceful about this what's, another way we can look at this every time you look at new angles, you're gonna get more breakthroughs, what's another way we could start the presentation. What's another way we could solve this problem doesn't mean you're gonna it's always gonna be the right answer, but you're going to find more answers because you're looking in more boxes second is what needs to be true, this is the classic used car salesman you walk into the showroom and you're standing next to the red convertible that sales person comes over and says, what do I got to do to put you behind the wheel of this shiny red car it's a brilliant question why? Because it assumes that you're already going to buy well yeah what do I have to do to put you behind the wheel of a car he's already put in? The person is inviting himself behind the wheel of the car good and it's the ultimate open question why what do I have to do to put you behind the wheel this shiny red car because whatever you answer tells him what's your criteria is if you say well I better get good gas mileage was he now know is your number one criteria if you say oh I can't afford it was he now know is your number one criteria price there's thirty five possible criteria instead of guessing you just told him because of the way he asked the question now let's apply this to other work situations what would need to be true for the host of the next training the next seminar to make it one of the best ever and then your mind will begin to backfill the answers what needs to be true for us to solve this problem what needs to be true for you to feel happy what needs to be true for us two have solved this and your mind will backfill the solutions because of the way you asked the question. You can change the words a little bit, but everybody understand the concept, okay, so active listening, drained, you takes a lot of energy. You can't use it all the time. But when you think it's important to ask a question of an audience is a matter for the one on one, a couple people are larger. It's slowed the train and figure out what's, really going on. And that will help you save a lot of time later, because you're going to solve and kept surgery on the right part of the body.