When and Where to Turn for Help
So part of this of course is where do I turn to, where can I get help, what can I be doing? And when does it make sense for me to get help? Well for one, if you've tried multiple times to have a healthy productive conversation with your partner and you either keep getting shut down and they're not opening up to you, or, and they're not disclosing the reason, or if every single time you talk about money you just start screaming at each other by the end of it, and you cannot have a healthy conversation you need to seek out a third party in order to get involved. So what are these magical third party people that can help you? One could be a certified financial planner. So this is somebody who actually does help you get your financial house in order. We will talk more about them in the picking financial products and hiring a planner section, the next segment coming up. But really reason they can be helpful is it does provide an objective third party perspective on your financial life. So i...
f you guys keep arguing about a method to do something or what's more important, or prioritizing things in your life, this person comes in and is really just a neutral party who is just focused on how to better you're financial life. Now, it's kind of like finding a therapist. You can search around and find the best CFP for you, the one that you feel both of you are being heard, they don't seem to really side with one partner over the other, they do feel truly objective in the situation. There actually are financial therapists. This is really a new part of the industry that's coming up, but some of them are CFPs who also have a background in psychology. Some people are just therapists who have chosen to focus really on the financial side of things. But, these are people who can help you address your own money baggage, your hangups, why you are reacting so volatilely towards getting financially naked and talking money with you partner. It maybe someone that you need to seek out independently of your partner, but they could also be a referee in why you are having trouble getting financially naked and having these healthy, productive conversations. And finally I want you to remember about this, is that is an evolving process. So discussing finances and why you should be having a check in is important because things are going to change, life priorities and goals and all of that, so be patient with it and understand that there will be disagreements, it's certainly not all flawless, but hopefully you can keep coming back and having healthy productive conversations. Now before we move on to taking money with friends, anything else about getting financially naked?
I have a quick question regarding CFPs. Is there are objective third party maybe website, or source where we could look to see potentially people's past experiences in their local areas or nationwide per se?
For CFPs specifically you can always go on the CFP board and make sure that they're in good standing and they're certified, and there's nothing pending and no accusations or anything like that. And then there are also webites where the XY Planning Network, or XYPN is a network of CFPs from all over the country that also specialize in different things which can be really helpful for you as well depending on what your particular needs are 'cause maybe you guys are constantly fighting about student loans, so you need somebody who has a past history of understand how to deal best with student loans, and not everyone is going to specialize there. Maybe it's more focused on estate planning, then you need somebody to do that, so that's part of that.
So I heard that you're a big proponent of the pre-nuptial agreement, and are you going to be discussing that later on, or could you hit on that right now?
I could hit on it now because I didn't plan to discuss it later. Yes, I do encourage pre-nuptial agreements, I do personally have a pre-nup, so it's not surprising I've gone on record a lot of times talking about that. There are also such things as a post-nup, so if you're in a situation where after you're married you want some sort of legal agreement about what would happen in the case of a divorce, a post-nup does exist. It tends to be a little bit of harder sell 'cause it does then sound like you're planning for divorce, so it does depend on your situation if you partner would agree to do that. But, my biggest, the reason I'm a fan of the pre-nuptial agreement is also because it gives you an opportunity to be having these conversations before you even get married, 'cause I will say, a lot of times people don't and then that is a big gut punch when they get married and they're trying to merge their financial lives or live with another person in a legal way. So whether or not you actually sign your pre-nup, at least you've gone through the process of talking thing out, discussing what would happen in a worst case scenarios, and also bringing all the information to the table, and understanding exactly what both of your individual financial situations are. So I am a fan, it does vary by state and whether or not it makes sense for you depends on your particular financial situation, but I do recommend looking into it, and not thinking about it as a divorce contract. It has such a terrible reputation, worse that budgets. People hate pre-nups, and I believe part of that is a bit of misunderstanding about them. It doesn't mean that you think you're get divorced and you're planning for divorce. I would like to think about it as an insurance policy on your marriage. We have insurance because we hope things don't go wrong, but the reality is, things might. So that's a great way to think about your pre-nup, is it is an insurance policy on your marriage and if something does end up going wrong, you've have conversations, you've put systems in place to mitigate some of the fallout of that.
Can you also just briefly touch on how that's like a protective measure. It's not just, everyone's so negative about pre-nuptial agreements and you've talked to me before about how it's also protecting your partner in case business goes bad.
It can be a protective measure if you are self-employed and you own your own business. It's just one other legal paperwork that keeps your professional and your personal life separate, and it can keep your partner out of it. Another thing I would also say is you know yourself best, and if you know in the case of a divorce you are going to be vengeful and gunning for absolutely everything, well, then you are creating a document of the way you're gonna behave at a time where you are hopefully, very, very much in love with each other, and you're going to be kind to one another. It also hopefully reduces the cost your divorce because those can be a very costly proceeding as well.
All right, well first of all a shout out to McKenzie and you, who says. McKenzie says, "I struggle with a partner "who makes less than I do, "and he has regular", I'm sorry, "and has never stuck regularly to a budget. "However, after reading both Millennial, your book, "we had our first discussion and now we budget "together at least once every month." A great job.
Oh I love that.
She says, "I think just being open and honest "no matter how bad or ugly it may seem is key." So thank you for that shout out McKenzie. And then another question just diving a little bit further in. I know this may be a very personal question, but if you are the breadwinner in a relationship, how do you suggest helping out the lower earner with regard to, is it percentage of income, of bills, sometimes that resentment or guilt of the lower earner can get tricky.
Yes, that's at great question. So I am the breadwinner in my marriage, something that we're very open discussing, so I'm not talking out of turn at all. That's a great question because I think it also depends on the stage of your relationship, and how much financial support you wanna give a partner if you aren't married, because I will say be very careful about making someone financially dependent on you if you are not legally tied to one another. I'm not saying you shouldn't help at all, but just consider the fact that one, you're probably never gonna recoup that money if something does change in your relationship. Similar in a marriage with divorce sometimes, but it's also about making sure you're not creating a toxic environment and if you have somebody completely financially dependent on you, they may get resentful of you, you may get resentful of them. But you also need to be considering the other factor in your relationship outside of just money. What are the other ways that this person is supporting you and your family and your household. What are the other qualities that this person is bringing into the relationship? It's not just about money when we come into talking about how we're supporting each other. So I would encourage the both of you to have a very open, honest conversation about that as well, and set financial boundaries for yourself, particularly if you're not married, but if you wanna help out. Maybe there is just a set amount of money that you put, perhaps you put your rent payments pro-rated towards your actually salary. So if you're making more than he is, and you're then responsible for 70% of the rent because you're making more, and maybe perhaps you wanna live in a nicer place because you can afford to, then pro-rate it that way and that then frees up money for him to be putting money towards other financial goals that he might have. There's no right way to do this, it's really figuring out what works best for you as a couple. But I would definitely urge you not to create a system of complete financial dependence on one person or another, because you're right, that can lead to a lot of resentments really from both parties, and then also addressing the other ways that your partner is helping and supporting you in your relationship and knowing that especially when it comes to love it's definitely no all about money and what your partner is bringing to the household.