Be a Super Communicator
So I don't know about you, perhaps this is true of you when you were little did you wish that you could have a superpower, something that would enable you to magically transform danger into something safe? Uh, something that would enable you to help others that, you know, really needed help and something that even could make the world a better place? I mean, that would be an awesome superpower, and when I was little, like, you know, I could sort of dream to what my superpower could be today, what I really want to share with you and I tell you and teach you about is that communication can be your super power, and I am it has incredible ability when you are a good communicator to, um, cut through to the heart of a situation that may be troubling you plaguing you. Um, when you're a good communicator, you have an uncanny ability to connect with other people, and you know what to say and when to say it and how to say it, that is a pretty magical capacity, if you ask me. And perhaps most imp...
ortant, when you're a good communicator, you are able to be heard, and I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but one person can stand up in front of a room such as this, perhaps, and said, say something and people maybe okay whatever another person khun get up in front of the same people and say the same thing even in the same words and that person gets heard why is that? I'm sure you've been in a situation where if you you've expressed an idea that goes over people's heads and then someone else has the same thing and people like oh that's a great idea what is the difference between the one who gets heard and the one who it isn't? We're going to explore that that difference and that's the final sort of aspect of this super power of communication is it enables you to be heard and in this day of tweets and posts and screens and insane messaging all the time I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that getting hurt is getting everything so we're gonna look at what comprises getting heard um and I'm sure we all all have had experience with what it means to be a bad communicator or to be sort of at the mercy of a bad communicator professionally and or personally so in today's business environment what are the things that are the most essential speed you gotta be quick to market execution you can't be sloppy you have to like hit it on the first try uh the ability to connect one toe one with others your customers your clients has never been more important and finally perhaps most essential is if you work in a business is the creation of a culture internally that supports and invites innovation and creativity and no one can be innovative in it in a scary environment and all of these things speed execution just one to one relationships of course and creativity are based in the ability to communicate so it doesn't matter how smart you are. I'm sure you're all very smart or how much money you have or how great your ideas if you cann't connect with others, your professional dreams are at risk and we don't want that and of course personally the ability to communicate is on ly everything when you can communicate with your partner heart to heart you have a good relationship it doesn't matter if you agree with each other if you disagree, if you think the persons you have no idea who this person is, suddenly those things actually don't matter it's the ability to communicate what is going on with you right now and to hear what's going on with the other person that does so the ability to connect hart to hart is at the foundation of a good partnership with anyone. So of course that is about communication um so this is what we're going to unpack in our time together and I am super super excited about it because this is a subject that I feel deeply passionate about and our investigation into good communication is going to sort of fall along two tracks we're going to investigate two principles the first principle we're going to look at now in the second principle we're going to look at later but the first principle of course is insight into your personal style you have one and everybody else in the world does too and because of the way our minds work we believe that the way we look at things and what gauges are attend what gets our attention is also the way other people look at things and what gets their attention oh contraire there are actually eight other ways that people can pay attention in the way their minds work in other words nine styles and of course we can't see what's outside of our own mind that's why this information is actually magical a magic power because it gives you the ability to see the way other people's minds work that's a powerful thing so the first investigation is going to be into personal style and I have created my own sort of amalgam of ways of looking at personal style engaging what yours is and we're going to investigate that in a moment and then the second track later is actually the secret sauce that makes it all work because no matter how great a student you are and I'm sure you're all great students in youtube um and no matter how well you learn this material here you still have to go out into the world and use it and that is where things can often fall apart. Um j k o and john marie mentioned that I was a buddhist so that's my frame of reference you may hear me mentioned buddhist e things but nobody has to be a buddhist to understand them. So in buddhism they say that practice and study are like two wings of a bird you have to study what is important to you but then you also have to practice it and if a bird only has one wing, of course it just goes in circles, so the study aspect of what we're doing is today is what we're going to look at now personal style but the secret sauce part later mindfulness is how you actually put it into play because you can't bring this list of attributes and rules into your personal communications you actually have to let all of that go and tune in to what is happening now between you and me and you and the new at me and then good communication arises from that relaxed and open mind. So that's what we're going to be exploring in our sec our second principle some psyched about that um what you will after our time together what I believe you will leave with is again I'll make a little buddhist reference buddhist thought there are three qualities to the awakened mind and I think you're gonna get all three from our time together. The first quality is wisdom, the awakened mind is wise, and you will get wisdom through insight into your style and the styles of people that are important to you and how to connect with them without be s because that's, often a part of our communication efforts, if I may say for speaking personally anyway, the second attribute of this powerful mind is called compassion, and when you learn about your personal style, it has this amazing effect. You let yourself off the hook for things that you maybe have done to yourself for for your whole life. So when you learned that your style is say, you have more quiet style, but we live in a world that appreciates a more boisterous style and you might think, well, I need to become that way what you don't your style has its own innate power that is actually indescribable, so you can own your power doesn't have to look like anyone, else's and then as important, you are able to let other people off the hook for what you may think is weird about them. People tend to like that a lot, so it increases your compassion for yourself and for others that's important, and the third quality of the awakened mind is called power so when you understand your style and your heart is open to yourself and to others you develop um sort of inner power that looks like confidence it looks like presence it looks like authenticity and this's what you will after our time together I you will leave with a greater sense of insight into yourself and others uh more kindly attitude toward yourself and others and more powerful way of looking at the world and acting in the world. So I'm psyched for that I know there's a bold claims but you know I feel pretty good about them so now I would like to, uh, meet you and ask you to please just it will go around if you would say your name uh maybe where you're from, what brought you here briefly and what do you think your biggest communication style is? And if you're watching remotely ask yourself if those questions what brought you here and what communication issues are you dealing with now and you know, you might want to write them down because we're going to refer to them at the end of our time together after the two sessions and it'll be interesting to see perhaps what you learned so shall we begin we begin? Would you mind starting? Sure thankyou so my name is simon and, uh what brought me here is that I, um I'm a consultant so I worked with a lot of clients and one thing is that they all have different ways of interacting with the world on also the teams you know the cross functional so it's you know, to read those people and then clarifying those expectations and finally his shooting that kind of charisma and authority when interacting with him and I'd say my style is more focus but I need to also be ableto work with the different styles of the people around me that makes total sense and as a consultant is someone who works just as you say with people one on one and you need to you mind needs to work super fast and you need to adapt and adjust very quickly and um that's a powerful skill I I appreciate that you're employing it and um I hope that this will be useful to you and I'm sure there are other people too who are consultants and whether you are a consultant or an artist or an entrepreneur or an activist or all of the above I really think that this information conserve you and I hope it will serve you particularly thank my name is mariam hello, huh? I'm really excited to be here it was my new resolution to fix my communication skills uh one of them might mean challenges for me you hit on the mark during your introduction is I'm unable to connect with people and a lot of times I don't feel that I'm heard even though I said the same thing as the next person and it's really I feel will hinder my career growth in the future some hoping that I can get some insight into that well, that is very painful I feel your pain on and I relate to that and I understand what it feels like to feel like you're going one way and not only is it frustrating and impeding an impediment to your career which I'd love to hear what it is in the second it hurts and then that hurt deepens and then you become a little less confident and so on so we are really going to look at that hurt and figure out what will make you more audible. So what is your career? I'm a software engineer fantastic yeah perfect perfect that's a language all to itself and I mean, I'm not I don't know exactly what you do but software engineers and engineers of all sorts and mechanics and people that people who'd cut hair for anyone who is a specialized body of knowledge they have a language and when we walk in without that language and just say make it look tussled, you know that means something to you that doesn't mean to me so it's helpful to learn how to make your language a shared one so welcome hello, I'm cia and one of my challenges is, um expressing my emotions in romantic relationships now you're talking yeah, I think a lot of times I ii come off very national on even though I feel like my actions don't necessarily reflect that interested. Um, yeah, I've heard that a few times, so now you're in my wheelhouse, by the way, and so you feel that you care absolutely and you are right there, but the other person doesn't get that somehow that's so interesting and also painful in its own way and the hard part you've already done, which is I have an open heart and feel strongly that's the hard part actually, and then just sort of relaxing and letting that, uh, communicate in your own way is not as hard as what you've already done, so I hope this will be helpful for you and the people you love two thanks. Hi, my name's. Ellie um doing photography after offer and massage therapist um it's both working with both working with people and my communication skills actually is obviously in all fields, but I think where I feel like I would liketo get better is actually in friendships like asking what I really need, what I really want, how in different situations and things about not being afraid to ask first of all and, um and very fast was to know what I really need but then like being afraid to ask like always or stand for it yeah, I think this is that makes total sense what you're describing to me and correct me if I'm wrong is a kind of, you know, a mild deer in the headlights kind of thing where you freeze and you're kind of like not only do I not know what to ask of you, I don't know what I need, so I also relate to that I understand that particular style of just so hopefully this knowledge will help you soften and move a little bit in the headlights and discover what you need and then the words or secondary the words will come so I'm glad you're here my name's trish um I'm here I relate to have what everyone said so far so thank you couple of reasons I'm in sales and professionally and I think that there's always improvement of a way to improve communication styles too. I do my job um and then also personally I think more so personally that I want to learn how to not be so defensive or triggered when someone says something that kind of um really hits I become very defensive and I have a communication style that maybe shuts off uh effective communication rather than being more open to it are there certain kinds of things that tend to make you defensive have you noticed you don't have to have but if you have um no I don't know specifically um it revolves around probably my children um the relationship with their father um other personal relationships that maybe bring up a lot of emotion for me um rather than maybe expressing the emotion I become defensive and so when you're triggered you sort of get well maybe a little angry or a little pushback yes yeah yes sometimes that's useful most often it's not yeah but sometimes it is so good that's something to work with those there's a there's an innate power in the ability to just write that fierceness has great application in the right moments and so I can really appreciate that quality about you and I hope that you will find those moment what those moments are and how to best step into them so welcome thank you meg ryan I mean well thank you uh well abandon hook and uh it always for a long time has amazed me that communications are not taught in school I mean never mind not at home but you know in school it's so important it's the thing we do our entire lives you know whether we can speak with words or eye blinks whatever it is it's all communication and I feel like I have so much to learn um focusing and being articulate our challenges and I you know, I also do meditation and you know, there's tools to work with but I know there's other supporting things that I need to learn and I'm not really sure what that is necessarily I've had a lot of experience uh you know, mostly with bookkeeping, accounting and then music, which is sort of the same thing and interesting uh you know, there's many ways of communication you know, whether you know whether I've been in a position said I want to be the customer service person you know and solve problems so give me something hard to do and you know, because it really gives you practice of being on the spot and, uh, learning how to listen so you know, there's a lot of things about it but there's just so many more things to learn well, I appreciate very much what you say in many ways but just focus for the moment on music because I'm a big music lover myself and music is a to me like a pure communication is just there it doesn't exist without communication, right? Itjust doesn't literally doesn't and I agree with you wholeheartedly that everything is a communication there is nothing that is not a communication your breath is a communication to taking in and giving out your relationships of course their communications you're when you eat it's a communication there's we are walking, talking communication devices and knowing how to refine and utilize that device uh with your whole heart is very useful so I'm glad you're here to thank you my name is on it on dh I'm in the aspiring in traction designer I don't put aspiring what designer in traction designer what is that it's a direction designer yeah, I see. Okay s so uh I came across the situation not just walking with the teams but also with the friends that everyone has their own ideas and they want to be heard so all of them speak at the same time so I didn't nobody really listens to anybody else and I'm just standing there trying to listen one at a time and I could wish that if I could, like make the situation calm everyone is on the same page but I just don't know that and that is my communication challenge because I think that in school were always taught to speak but not to listen and it's very hard to be a listener to listen somebody yes what is thinking I could not agree more and that was beautifully said and you are painting a picture of someone who would like to sort of be a conductor you missed rick you okay, let's get out of this together and um that's a definitely unattainable skill a little personal aside a long time ago and stone age I used to have a boyfriend named mark cry sir, if you're listening mark cross sir, forgive me for telling us, um, wherever you may be, uh, he had to find something in his family called the cries er syndrome, which was when you use the time that I am talking to think of what you're going to say next and basically everybody suffers from the cries er syndrome and we do use the time that that the other person is speaking to just basically establish ourselves and think of what we're going to say, and we don't actually really listen, which is an act of courage was a very brave thing to listen because you have to let all of that go so we're going to explore that courage and where it comes from you thank you. Welcome hi, I'm jacob, I'm a visual designer here at creative live actually and I love everyone here. I've never had a communication problem. I guess what I've been thinking about is I noticed early in my career right after college I was very focused on being liked and that was kind of my main goal at work and now looking back on some of those jobs, I really I ended up being liked, but I didn't actually contribute everything I could because that was more focused on that um so I would often just hold back because I didn't wanna rock the boat or point out something that was wrong um now I'm trying to be more assertive and contribute more, but I noticed that like I go in the other extreme where I become like kind of mean and cold so I want to find a middle ground between those two that's very smart and it does seem sometimes that those are the only two choices be a nice guy or b a my lamp and there are definitely a lot more choices than that and sometimes being the nice guys is appropriate sometimes being the one is appropriate it's not knowing that makes things so confusing and so I hope that we will have a rich exploration of that uh, middle between those two poles and that this will be useful to you and you'll still be nice and assertive. So thank you, I'm steve alberti and, uh willow actually invited me down here we're neighbors and we actually played music together. Oh yeah, so that's one of things I do uh my wife and I have a small business were so reasonable produce bags so that's one of the challenges I have had given the story go do you have reasonable produce bags and go sure they're right over there and they're the totes? They're not the reasonable produce bags so that's one of things I I'm trying to get better at yeah as well as working in a band which is akin to herding cats uh, yeah, I have the same situation where I'm trying to talk to the band as a band while they're trying to talk to each other at the same time it's a classic trying to get heard above the noise you know, we have no problem when we played together that we can communicate perfectly when we do that is amazing I mean, you hear about, like rock bands that break up because they hate each other's guts and then they get back on stage after twenty years and I'm like, whoa, but this is still amazing anyway that's a different story, but s so in the end they're reusable produce bag thing when you know when people say yeah, we have them right here and then they pointed something that isn't right, right? Great thing, but if they don't get it because how do you feel like they it's so new that they don't get the concept? So I have to kind of educate them and of course, you know, showing him it's still they still sometimes doesn't get it, you know, because it just looks like a bag, but what you do is you can put the vegetables in there and wash that stuff right in the bag, right? Which is a whole new thing, so you have the sense of look at this do you get it? It's awesome! You don't get it because until you think it's awesome and clearly haven't gotten it yeah, exactly. Okay, so that's um, that's a hard job? Yeah, and I hope that we'll find some ways for them to get it for you to be able to explain it in a way that makes it easy for them to do so. Yeah, I also went teo isn't aside. I went to a psychic astrologer many years ago and he said one of the reasons I'm here is to learn communication so if whatever that's worth the right here we are way that's great. Well, thank you and we have some some conversations building in the chat room. Phillip in belgium believes that communiqu communication is the base of interpersonal relations. Many conflicts, small and big can be dealt with or avoided altogether by communication, I think and they've shown up because they're always ready for learning something new to help these challenges and crystal s says what brought me here? I would like to connect and communicate with openness and assertiveness so that's great those air great and I would echo was it philip philip? I would totally echo what you said phillip which is but I would I would take it even further that all interpersonal conflicts and inter planetary conflicts and international conflicts can be laid at the feet of communication failures. Uh, just briefly, I don't know if anybody heard of this, but the country of canada. This is probably three or four years ago made some kind of proclamation, or whatever it's called in canada, where they issued an apology, the native peoples for the behavior that they had done hundreds of years ago, and I was very touched by that there was something, okay, it happened, ton, but there's something about the apology, in particular, that is very powerful. It doesn't change what happened, but just coming to the table with yes, I did this, and I regret it. I am sorry. It changes the energy of a situation so there's no end to the power of are what we say or write.