Reflecting on Your Communication Style
Finding your style isn't so much about finding how to language whatever it is you want to say and saying it clearly has nothing to do with knowing your audience or becoming more I can't think of the word that means what I'm going to say becoming more, uh area diet in any particular way because becoming a good a good communicator a great communicator, powerful magnetize ing communicator is about knowing who you are it's about knowing what you have to say and then using timing and intelligence and most important presence of mind to say it clearly appropriately, directly and with confidence so this is a lifelong pursuit and the information that we went over yesterday which I'm going to be re capping briefly in the previous session uh uh takes a lifetime it's a joyful life time I would say of, um contemplation and just as a brief aside on pet and this is a silly story but um I get I tend to get claustrophobic suddenly, like ten years ago I became claustrophobic like classically claustropho...
bic, very unpleasant surprise and I had to have an emery I'm fine by the way, but I had to have an m r I six months ago or something and I don't have you ever had one but they sort of slide you into a little machine and it's terribly claustrophobic and I was like, how am I going to get through this and as I was like sliding and I could feel beads of sweat popping out on my forehead I thought, I know I'll think about the communication styles because they're so much fun to think about their so rich they're so endless there so profound so I did I just laid there and thought about the qualities of the communication styles so um going to say that it is at endless and I would also say joyful pursuit to contemplate who you are who are you? What is your essence? What do you have to say that is unique in all the world and how can you say it fully fully? So yesterday we started our investigation and uh just tow brief recap I, uh will remind you or tell you if you're just joining that in my experience there are four kinds of categories of information that are really helpful to know about yourself and then when you get the sense of these different categories how they work in yourself, then it's much easier to sort of look out at the people in your world and figure out where they fit in in these categories. So we're going to go over that and then I want to hear your reactions to the homework and just in general your feedback, your questions please don't hold back don't hold back um and we'll have a conversation before we dive into the sort of main topic of our day which is mindfulness okay okay so the first category that is very useful to understand is are you an introvert or an extrovert and just to remind you that this doesn't this is not the same as saying are you shy or outgoing that has nothing to do with it for our purposes all it means is do you get energy from being alone or do you lose it or do you gain energy from companionship from being with others? What does that exhaust you that's the place to start thinking about that the second is how do you traditionally or typically I should say respond to triggers things that trigger you negatively do you tend to move toward the object that has triggered you to thought could calm things down and pacify it? Do you move against it to try to sort of take it down cleared out of the path just get rid of it or do you move away avoiding just think I'll think about something else that's the second category the third uh and fourth which are in this circle together um are the sort of formula for discovering your personal communications style of which there are nine the first thing to think about is what is your primary center of intelligence and of course you all have all the forms of intelligence but for each of you one of them is primary is it the intelligence of the gut of intuition, the intelligence of the heart, or the intelligence of the mind of the intellect? That's a place to start? Just figure out what your type is, and then for me what salute? What nailed it for me? What sealed the deal for me was learning about the subtypes, because though there are nine types, there are three kinds of each type, so they're actually twenty seven. But don't be afraid, because it's uh, incredibly rich body of knowledge to contemplate and enormously helpful, I will say as an aside that there's not one day of my life, where I don't use this information, I have been contemplating it, and studying it for close to twenty years, and there has never been a day where I have not relied on this information. So then the final step before step is what is your subtype meaning what instinctual drive is primary for you? Is it the drive for self preservation, which means various things which we talked about in the previous session and also are outlined? All of this, by the way, is repeated in the workbook, which is important because no one can remember all of this the second instinctual drivers ah, social drive to belong to something to be part of a group and the third is an intimate drive, a drive to be intimate with someone to connect with one person, whether it's a life partner or a lover or a friend your instinct to sort of find a person to connect with his primary for you. So these are the four steps in discovering your communication style they are not, uh, it's not like if you're an introvert, therefore you are self preservation subtype this is just sort of a big a globe of information to start to orient, to think about, to start to orient yourself, where are you? So that said, I would like to know where you are, how are you feeling after our time in the previous session? Do you have questions about your type or your subtype? And then we'll go to the homework I'd like to hear how you felt, how you did what you thought, so who feels like they pretty much know their type? Excellent? And and so the two of you, by the way, are going to come up in a little while and we're gonna talk about that discovery and what it means and I'll help I'll ask you questions about what it means to be in the world as what I think you've told me is your type a wizard for their fifth type or crusader, the first type? And so I'm really looking forward to that but what about the rest of you? Do you have questions or things that you want to say before we go forward into our day and also people who are tuning in, please don't hesitate to texture send in your question into I haven't made a decision yet, I and I seem to be in between types or or even forty percent this and sixty percent that are, you know, those kinds of things, and so I'm not really certain how to do that, and I realized I'm really not quite clear I understand what you said, and I like that chart it's very well, it's cute blamed, you know, as a visual. Um but even so, you know, I know certain aspects, but so tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what the forty is whatthe sixty is or tell me what you're what you're thinking well on the intuitive I put, uh, sixty percent number nine and forty percent number one, so if you were to have to choose between those three that's, how you would choose well, no, I was thinking on the into intuitive, emotional and intellect oh, I see yeah, which one do you on the intuitive one, for example, you know either nine number nine, the mediator at sixty percent or the crusader at forty percent okay you know it's close enough and of course it depends on what situation and with whom right well actually no we have time if you don't mind and if you don't mind sitting on the floor maybe we can have you come up to as and I can help you try to figure out what your type is sure as best I can and that's right I think that would be interesting okay thank you so again to recap I want I want to put this up there's three centers of intelligence until intuitive emotional and mental there are two ways of sourcing energy internet extrovert I want to show this because I think it's such a cool flight I know I just said all this three ways of meeting threats toward against away um three instinctual drives social self preservation social and intimate and nine objects of attention or nine personal styles which again we talked about in the previous session and all of this is repeated in the workbook I just feel like I want to say that again because it is a lot to remember so how was the homework if you got zero out of zero you still get an a plus because you tried let's so you were saying earlier that the in the fatal attraction clip for people haven't seen it it's this woman and this man have an affair and then she becomes very threatening to him. What did you think? She wass you said was clear, but you didn't say what she wass well, when it got down to sub types, I I couldn't make a choice between there's two fascination for obsession, so obsession I don't remember where that red where that was, but it was one of the choices. One of the subtype fascination would refer to the intimate seven, but let's start with her. Do you think that she was more of an intuitive person who got angry when things didn't go her way? More of an emotional person who got depressed or hysterical when things didn't go her way or more of a mental person who got paranoid? Well, there's a story in she got angry, right? You know what? I I see why you say that. Uh, but I wouldn't say she got hysterical, okay, she got like, and of course, she was enraged. Yeah, look, question, but yeah, I guess history. It would be a better description that brought on the anger so let's say she was in that triad emotional then was she more like a two who was, like, trying to connect with people emotionally, trying to get power from other people trying to manipulate them, try giving to get or was she more of ah master of the phenomenal world was just trying to get things done and be efficient and effective and appear successful or was she more of a poet someone who's sort of musing on the dark side and and, uh feeling uh like ordinary nus was not good once wants to be unique and said she was giving to get I want to I would say she was an intimate too and uh so that's what we just did and I know is leading you kind of butt is that's sort of the formula like process try it ok let's look at each of those now let's narrow it down and I feel I mean I don't know what if she's a too she's a character in a movie but it's what that's the flavor of sexual too I really like uh cherry from homeland homeland we have seen that whole siri's and it's really interesting in almost every scene she's either advocating for or against someone on dh it's always like the unexpected one like you think you shouldn't trust this person but you should we have to trust him so that's, so interesting so we're talking about carrion home landing for anyone that didn't hear that and it's a great show if you haven't seen it, please watch it and you're saying that she's either advocating or against something and she was going for the thing that other people uh we're saying everyone's going this way, she's going that way and there were issues of trust. Classic classic so what type would you say? That she was exemplifying it's, the kitt adversary, the sixth communication style exactly she was doubted everything second guessed everything and that was her genius, which she did not take things on face value she tried to poke behind what was really going on to find the truth and then when she she did not let go and she had tremendous doubt. But then she had also tremendous loyalty, because for this communication style, the sixth style it's, the kind of person that mistrust everyone and everything until proven otherwise. And then once they are proven to be a friend there some people call them the loyalist, the loyal friend. And she certainly was that and she also I would say, remember yesterday we talked about the styles being more like nine flavors of ice cream, the nine lists of qualities, even though the list you just gave is perfect. She had this kind of she in this show has this kind of nervous energy all the time. You can feel it that's anxiety and often people of this type in six, you can feel that other sort of classic examples I mentioned yesterday one is michael moore who's more the adversarial kind woody allen is often said to be like a classic of the style there's a kind of energy you know, in his characters in films who knows what he really is and um so perfect. Thank you. Somebody was mentioning christian bale in the er three ten to yuma and you mentioned that he was a right you're like a crusader? Yes, I got that one right? Well, in my opinion you did yeah, he was black and white. We're doing this because it's right and enough said no more reason is required. Boom full speed ahead I will risk things I will stand up for what I believe now his adversary in this wonderful movie is played by russell crowe who's an outlaw and I know that you said earlier I'm not quite sure but let me try to help us walk through it and if I can remember it I mean I know what type I think he is so he was an outlaw he was unafraid willing to risk life and limb uh took control immediately of what took what he wanted from here from there from you for me with out compunction and so of the different sort of poisons you know, if we think of the poisons of anger and pride and deceit and envy and uh avaricious and doubt and gluttony and lust and sloth personally I would put him anyone want to guess before I say it? Lust lusty doesn't have may or may not have any do a sex but it's just power so I would say that he is the warrior the eighth type. How about jerry maguire? Did anybody actually see that movie like that movie? I actually was finding that well, first of all, all the cool clips that you put together made me feel like I'm really not watching enough cool show a and I missed a lot of really great movies, so there was that, but I thought it was really great how kelly preston it was just so numb that was what I felt it was the numbness where she just was like, this is not happening, this is the it doesn't logically makes sense for us to not be together and then she started started to get emotional and then she was like playing, you know, that's really funny this is not our deal. Yeah, so if you haven't seen that movie, jerry maguire has a girlfriend played by kelly preston and they're both sales people and they're like killer sales people and they're both very successful and then his star starts to decline and she's, like doesn't know she could be with him anymore because they're all about appearances being successful, having a deal sticking to the deal um and and then the numbness numbness to her own feelings it's so great that you point that out is associated with this third communication style and then what you also point out so perfectly is the emotion starts to creep up because this is the type that is numb to their heart and their job in this life is for their heart toe wake up but when it does it's quite terrifying because then things can be dark and failure israel and you might get depressed and actually booth never mind that's easier okay she had to knock it out get it out of her sight you're the problem and you're causing emotion for me beautiful idea exactly and he too appears in this movie and in every other movie he's ever been in and also in real life to be a three two so but who knows excellent so cool um if you ever did anyone watch the real housewives if you I love reality television and I especially love real housewives of anywhere because first of all I'm like how could she say that I just get sucked into it and second of all they're like communication style master classes the clinics but not wizards usually aren't on those reality shows so but they are if you ever want to know what is an eight look like what is it to look like? What is the three look like occasionally? What is the one look like watch those shows because they're just walking, talking depictions and if you ever walk out of a show on television or a movie and you can't quite figure out what I'm not sure what that person wass to me that's an indication of poorly drawn character because usually it's the flavor just jumps right out at a certain point. That's me, um so okay, thank you for for the homework and thank you for giving a thought and thank you for people who might have tried it um out in the world too. They did. They did actually all ball. Sure, but please, carol s says I did have an ah ha. I realize that I am a social four that was hard to face but made sense once I did. And once I did realize that I even recognized my participation yesterday was so on tight that's, so interesting that's great that's awesome. And I just love the sense of expanding awareness in that comment and again, I want to point out which I pointed out previously that's why I say again, is it's not about good or bad? There is the degree to which anything can be right or wrong is zero so it's just about expanding awareness and then it's the world looks different you see more deeply