The Emotional Communicators
So number two the lover is the type that over expresses the core quality, which is heart, so when you meet this kind of person, they want to connect with you emotionally and they will find a way to do that and you'll suddenly find yourself feeling things about them about your life, about the world that you weren't necessarily in touch with the moment before. So of all the types of sort of the most outward, not extroverted but the one where the energy goes out the most. Some people call this type of the giver because they want to connect emotionally with everyone and when they are doing that from a point of perceived weakness it's a manipulation I'm gonna get you to need me I'm gonna give you something you want. I'm going to say something nice about you so that you connect with me emotionally so that I can get what I want from you are you can do something for me that I need doing but it's manipulative but when it's done from a place of kindness and open heartedness and free expression t...
hat's, why call this type lover? Because they are the type among the nine who can actually feel your heart most directly and then what they give you what they offer you is just for you when it's done with strings again it's a manipulation when there are no strings it's like, who doesn't want to be loved by someone like that? Who can actually feel the contours of your heart and exactly what you need and be there for you with that thing? I mean, they're capable of a kind of a way of loving that I'm not that the rest of us aren't, so they want to connect in all moments, all the types are trying are using there system to sort of gain power or to not feel powerless and for someone like an eight for example, it's very up front, like I'm taking control everybody for this type power comes from establishing connections to people who have power, so they're often like the power behind the throne, so to speak, if I create relationships with people who have influenced in power, then when I need influence in power, I can call on them, but I'm not going to do it, so the poison is called pride but it's not like I'm so awesome pride it's the pride of being needed like this situation couldn't go forward without me. These people could not function without me. This business would would crumble if I wasn't there it's the pride of being essential it's, the type that needs to be needed I know people who say that I need to be needed I'm like I don't know what you're talking about I don't need to be needed but okay, I believe you but when you hear if you ever hear someone saying that I need to be needed I want to be needed you could start thinking maybe this is where they live and the medicine that pride transforms into humility, which is when I'm necessary that's awesome and it's okay to not be needed I don't need to insert myself into every situation and become important in it or to it I can just hang out at the same time the avoidance for this type is their own needs they're so focused on what do you need are your care you happy? Can I get you anything that the idea of putting attention on their own needs is anathema? It's like they're embarrassed because they want to be seen and they want to see themselves as the kind of person that's only thinking of you and of course no one is like that and if anyone says they are, you should run away unless they're the dalai lama or something in which case you could go okay it's probably true, but otherwise they're like what I'm fine, I don't need anything I'm good no, no you don't don't don't let me do that for you idealization obviously I am needed and the talking style is giving advice which is different than preaching it's different than, uh a saga obviously. So how was your program on communication styles? What was good? It was good you know, I heard something that made me really think of you and I thought if you so much when when when she said this and so I was thinking, you know, you really have you run into this all the stories you've told me really indicate to me that you run into this particular problem over and over again and what she said was this so if you you know want to improve this thing with that person you maybe you should try that you know I'm gonna get you the tape you know I'm gonna buy you the class because I think it's really important for you to have this information so get get what I'm talking about, okay? Just before we go to this type just look at that image what own arises for you for that when you look at that image someone is going places uh with a wicked grin on his face with a really wicked grin on his face yeah, and uh they just they kind of are outside of themselves in a way that was good yeah, that was good yeah, they are outside of themselves and in a way thank you for that, because this is the type that I call the master of the phenomenal world and it's the core of the emotional triad, and they are numb to their hearts. So what that means is this when you can't feel your heart, you can't feel what's happening under the surface. I can imagine how painful that would be when you can't feel was happening under the surface. When you can't find your own heart, you necessarily think that appearances are everything but the way things of pierre is the way they are because you can't feel what's underneath the appearance and the rest of us can we're like, well, it looks that way, but it feels this way that's not something that happens for this person, so if they appear successful, they are successful. That's why this is the this is the kind of always walking around going did you know that I just accomplished this? And I accomplished that and they're trying to tell you who they are they're trying to make them they're trying to be happy by saying, hey, I'm really happy I'm really accomplished I did this, I did that, I did the other thing, and if if I act lovingly towards you, that means I love you. The rest of us were like, wait a minute, I missing something here I don't feel your heart actually yeah you're giving me things and you're saying nice things to me and you're taking me places but I don't really feel loved that this person would be like I don't understand what you're talking about so can you imagine how painful it would be to have your whole life be based on appearances like I need to appear happy and that means I am happy that's that's unfair it's empty it's hard it's very difficult the job for this person in their life is toe wake up to their heart and to feel things that are less than perfect so the poison is called deceit but it doesn't mean that they're liars it means that they are lying to themselves about what's really happening within them and also I will say from knowing people of this type there can often be a little bit of a slipper equality like you said there were five apples in the drawer but actually there's fourteen well, I didn't want it to seem like we had way I bought too many apples me that's a silly example but if I say there's only five, maybe there will only be five there's a kind of a little like mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm what's it called ah constant attention to the narrative structure and massaging that structure so that it looks and sounds great I shouldn't be talking like this because I am a four which is a version of this so uh I understand this I feel that I have definitely done all of these things the avoidance is on then the medicine of course is honest statements which means not lying to themselves about who they are and how they feel and what their world is like and the avoidance of course is failure and everybody hates failure. Nobody likes failure, but for this person to fail it's a life changing thing and actually it could be very good for this kind of person tohave a failure because you can't pretend anymore and you have to look at your heart so all of these avoidance is can be wake up calls for the person who is that type, the idealization of courses I am successful like the person you were talking about at the party there suffering their suffering it so it's a real suffering and the talking style is called propaganda because their spin doctors they're both there spinning everything uh to make themselves look good or to make what they're interested in seem attractive whatever it might be. So how was your class on communication styles? I learned everything I need to know to solve all of my problems in the workplace and I'm going to do it and in fact I've sent emails and I have got this whole situation set up and I've already tried it and I said it and they responded exactly the way I was told that they would respond and now I've got the situation under control and you know, if you have any sense you will learn this information to and then you will be able to be it feels in control as I do right now and propagandizing so when you are around someone that's spinning things constantly and you can tell they might this might be them and if you have to tell him they did something that didn't work it's going to be really painful for them, so you should be prepared to stay and be helpful because it's different than telling someone else what they were doing didn't work out this makes sense so far is this useful there's any bell little bells starting to him it's a lot and we have many we're just getting started don't be afraid next the final type on the emotional triad what do you see from this picture and freedom, creativity and freedom that's good too he's someone who's very connected to their heart because yes kindof a dreamer kind of a dreamer honesty, honesty how do you see that uh, since like they're connected in there can I say the truth? I see like authentic offended yeah, yeah got it. Got it. Yeah. That's all good it's all good clothes, eyes closed. Yes, that's a really good observation. Why? Because they're feeling so I call this type the poet and this is the type where all the emotional energy goes in and when all the emotional energy goes in then whatever is happening out here, this person feels in here so it could be very confusing for this person. Am I feeling this or are you feeling this? I actually can't till it's also could be a point of a lot of self absorption because when all the feelings go in, then you think everything is happening is about you because you feel it all. So you think, oh, well, this is about me because I'm feeling a reaction to it so there could be a lot of self absorption. I will freely confess this is my home and, uh the way I like to explain this type is like and the reason I called the poet is because if you ever see anyone tuning forks work if you hold tuning forks one in this hand one of the sand and you hit this one this one starts to vibrate this is the four type just constantly vibrating in reaction do all sorts of things so that's what poets do that's what artists do something happens in the environment and they start to vibrate they start to respond to it is no right or wrong they just start to respond and relate and react and that's I believe a creative act and that's where art comes from it's some sort of connecting with what is and then vibrating in response to it you may feel different I'd love to hear it if you do um this it says three you should say for so don't get confused um that's my mistake this type and the type next to it five are the types that tend to be the most depressive most people in the world are not interested in the dark side of things pain, suffering trauma this person is a pain when things start to get painful they start to get interesting so that kind of masochistic sort of the opposite of the type that's like I don't like pain I don't want it don't want problems only one ideas this is the kind that's like we think when things get painful they become meaningful now we're getting somewhere if it hurts it doesn't hurt it's kind of boring it's like running around in a way it's like that vulnerability you know sort of opening yourself up yes knowing that there's a mac truck yes this time it was like I can do that too much eye make up mack trucks when there aren't mack trucks because unless on feeling something intensely I'm a little worried that I'm not alive so bring it the kind of intensity junkies drama kings and queens you know they can go a little too far with that but if you want someone oh I forgot to say about the master of the phenomenal world I'm sorry I'm just gonna go back for a moment what's so awesome about them and the reason they're called master the phenomenal world is because they can get stuff done these are the most effective efficient and I say that with tremendous respect accomplishing people in the whole system because they're not getting dragged down by oh that might not be right that might make someone feel bad that makes me feel I'm not sure how I feel about that they're not bogged down by things like that they're the only people in the system that can actually multi task that can do that you know several things at once they can accomplish if you need a job done the master of the phenomenal world can do it for you the rest of us are little slower so I don't want to be sure to mention that so what's so good about this type is if you are suffering this person will go there with you this is the kind of person that can stand with you at the gateway of life and death and birth and trauma and you re so we're not looking for rebirth they're not afraid of strong emotions and other people are like I don't know about that this person is like bring it if it's intense I like it someone's crying over there that's interesting let me check that out so they can be kind of intensity junkies um the poison is called envy but it's not I think that's the wrong word actually I think more correct word would be longing it's the kind of person that's like filled with yearning and a sense that what I want is not here I used to have it I might have it someone else has it I don't have it now and if on ly I had uh everything will be ok this person this job this haircut this these shoes this life whatever it might be until I have that everything sucks and when I have that everything's gonna be great and once that thing actually approach is like I don't want it anymore and what's the next thing I can long for so there's always a quality of yearning which I was also kind of a poetic thing and annoying thing to yes is it connected with desire no okay I mean if you mean by desire you mean sexuality or uh you know longing of I want an ice cream cone or a cup coffee? It depends anybody can want those things, but this type would be like my life will be meaningful if I have that thing on another type might be I would look really good when I have that thing so it's all about what's under the surface that's why I say it's like nine flavors of ice cream, the medicine is called equanimity, which doesn't mean you've gotten everything you need. And for me, as this type of like I can't imagine this, it means I'm not longing for what I don't have it's what I have is what I long for. You can't really imagine that, but okay. Ah, the avoidance is called ordinary nous, which is interesting because for some people it's like I just want my life to be ordinary I just want things to be normal that's not this type. This type is like if things are ordinary means I have really failed because because I feel things so deeply because I feel things with such nuance because my inner life is so multilayered. No one can really understand me and I need something so unique and so special and so singular to express who I am that if my life expresses ordinary nus, I'm very sad, depressed, even so, the idealization is I am special. And again in my home what if my husband starts to see me getting bummed out about something or kind of down in the mouth he'll say well, you know you're really special aunt I can't help what I go and my uh and he's not teasing me in a mean spirited way at all he's just he's he's like you're special and I and I can't help it I go oh really right now he doesn't say it's our little shorthand for each other here right? Well you're special and I'd really affects me when someone when he says that to me I actually I can feel things change on the insides really weird um and the talking style is called lamentation so how was your class in communication styles? Well, I was really, really hoping that she would say something that would give me some insight into the problems I always have with everybody and she didn't mean it exaggerated but she didn't she just sort of almost went there and then she turned right and then she almost went there again and then it didn't happen and so yeah, it was okay but I really I really I need more than what I got there that's my doggy style and sometimes and my own writing and I can hear it I can feel it in my own and then I start to go pull that thing back so yes I was kind of place these different types with, you know, famous people alive or dead so let me just try to understand please say we would really fit so like I say the lover would that be more like bill clinton because your people said it it felt like you talked with him you're the only person that room another hand you said okay that somebody is more behind the scenes uh so I well, not all they're not all always behind the scenes okay, so I don't know what he is, but he could be a two and that quality of you feel like you're the only person that room whether or not he is a two it is two ish it has that flavor okay, so maybe and then the next the master of the phenomenal world is that more like steve jobs were, you know, whatever the appearance like that's creates this reality or somewhere like kim kardashian that's like there's everything's just kind of yes flimsy I would say yes, I would say both of them it's possible that that is their style three and even though steve jobs was about without innovation and I'm about you know, going where people haven't gone before and vision and he couldn't be that type that is all about vision I mean, that might not be it that could be for appearances and it could be about I need it to look good than it is good and of course he was a genius and so you can't just say it was all about appearances and it didn't mean anything does it meant everything, but those are two good examples I think celebrity culture in general is very three ish because if you appear hot and successful you are hot and successful maybe or maybe you're not, but according to this culture you are so some examples of famous people who could be in the two for example, so I said martin luther king for one barack obama for nine george bush for eight and we can come up with billions of more examples for each kind and in the workbook, by the way, in the bonus materials there are more examples of famous people um and even countries have this types and businesses but that's another program. So, um the two could be like marilyn monroe seductive and just catching you by, like, commute connecting with you and this like, way that sweeps you off your feet or could be mother teresa, you know, just like giving, giving giving, so obviously they're very different, but they could be the same time that's why I say it's like flavors of ice cream it's not a list equalities, so a good example of a four communicator person, a lot of artists, a lot of I don't know if you're familiar with the music of leonard cohen, but that's very good a very forest flavor it's sort of a lot of longing ah lot of nuance and subtlety a lot of sort of under played a lot of the force in this system are like the I don't know how to say this word s pete's, as you know, they're aesthetically oriented they're all about the aesthetics of a situation and they can feel that's coral should be orange, that kind of thing so there's a lot of nuance, so leonard cohen is an example of someone who is for ish. Um, I think angelina jolie is a four of a different kind then leonard cohen because there's a lot of intensity and a lot of heart I mean, as she appears in news stories, I don't obviously don't know her, but so those air could be some famous people that epitomize that style uh huh, but four that would be seeking the light instead of the darkness and who would that be? What do you mean by seeking the light? Oh, uh, well, you mentioned in this example they're seeking darkness or somebody's crying or there's some trauma of some kind, so it would be the opposite of that seeking happiness, yeah, joy I I guess so, but even this well seeking joy and seeking happiness somehow to me sound different seeking happiness is is almost sounds to me like seeking ordinary nous but I am a four so I'm hearing it through that lens like just be happy and I've been told and certain you have been told to can just be happy no but joyful is different joyful is sort of an expression of the heart and it's like got a sort of soulfulness that happy doesn't have I'm making this up but that's how it sounds to me so sure you can be this type and want to be happy everybody wants to be happy, but this type happens to think by exploring pain they will point happiness okay, so is what I'm talking about a difference subtype or a different type I would say uh because all of these people with no matter what their subtype is which we're going to get to later have a predilection for melancholy there melancholic and there's a sweetness in melancholy and a sort of delight it even in sadness it's beautiful this type feels the beauty of sadness and also can be moby and a drag so this is these are the emotional communicators and I'm curious if you are starting to hear yourself or someone you know or if you who are watching or listening are hearing something or have questions I would love to hear them I have an observation great. You're going through this and I said oh I'm definitely a crusader then we go on I said oh I see a little bit of three and me you get to foreign like oh maybe that's why yeah is there a quiz I can take no uh that's a problem with this information it's not there's no quiz it's not your birthday it's not a number numerology so that's great. I felt that way too I started I was like I heard this so that's when neal that's me that's me some I would here be like oh no it's definitely not me but it wasn't until I learned the subtypes okay? I never would have guessed that this was my type until I learned about the subtypes and then I was like, oh lordy that just describe me to a t because I didn't think of myself as a hard person I thought I was an intuitive person and I didn't realize that what I was calling intuition I was actually in this case my heart I just didn't think of myself that way so hang in weight let's wait actually let's wait until the end of our final time together before we try to make any kind of decision and for people who are watching or listening I request the same just wait here the whole thing stay with it and try not to make any decision until till we come to here all the information cat stone is asking pretty much that question they're saying they feel have a lot of mouth personalities but maybe cat let's hear all of them and then you can really decide which one it is because she feels right now she's pulling from what I'm assuming I'm sorry cap there putting lots of different things that we lived different ones he described her farm go ahead you know that that's completely natural because you are do experience all of we all experience all of these things but keep listening like I say and one of them will start to you'll start to go that's home raj is uh empathizing with you says I feel like I have to be reminded each day to be happy it's like my husband reminds me every other hour can you just be happy with what you have sweet and then kiki actually asked, uh can afford which is this type be a positive thing? They believe it sounds somewhat negative so maybe you can highlight better quality I'd be happy to yes ah four can be an extremely positive influence and presence because ah four is not afraid to feel deeply not afraid toe open to you when you are in pain the rest of us might feel like oh well I'm a little scared of people who are in pain for own afore loves you and you are going through something difficult that's who you want with you because they're not going to jump ship, they will stand with you, shoulder to shoulder and not be afraid of your pain. I personally think that's a very positive thing. Also fours are very attuned. I said this earlier, but to the aesthetic world so there's a great ability to see beauty, to express beauty, to call forth beauty, to bring beauty into into a situation for some people that's a very powerful positive thing. Other people well that's, nice, but whatever, but that is some of the positive of what this type khun dio this type can make art this type can express for you what you can't express for yourself, and I know just as an aside for me as a writer the most the pieces that I've written that have gotten the most response that I've gotten the most e mails of the most shares or whatever, always come with the same general comment, which is this is how I feel, but I couldn't say it, I didn't know how to say it well, the force in our world can say how you feel when you can't and there's tremendous relief from suffering when that happens. Question from sue here because soo's asking, very specific how can you deal with number four? How can you deal with the lover? She say her mother in law is one a lover or a poet? I'm sorry, the poet, I'm so sorry. No, no, no, I'm sorry, she is asking about the lover that's my mistake? Yeah, seeing her mother in lourdes one and she has to do everything for you at all moments. She has no life of herself suis saying she doesn't want to just say no all the time, but it's really frustrating? Yes, I so I feel you, I really I understand and it can be it can feel like you're almost being I don't mean just cast dispersions on your brother in law, but you're almost like being slimed with neediness and you're like I get how can I get this off of me? So when I am a situation with a person like that, I feel myself start to really cool down. I feel my own presents start to just cool because this person wants me, tio heat up in response to them, and as a teacher, I teach on relationships and heartbreak and things that are very hot, people can get very emotionally riled. And I know that when I'm teaching in this I hope will help you sue and I'll explain it a little more in a second because I don't want to just be about me but when I'm teaching and I feel that people are about heartbreak for example on people start to get upset and crying and I feel my own presence starts to tighten and just cool and I start to become very sort of spare and when people are too cool to like, not wanting to feel I feel myself start to get a little more heated up but that's a different story, so when someone is trying to constantly do things for you and constantly give things to you and they obviously the part that's annoying is they want a reaction from you they want gratitude, they want appreciation and you just gets exhausting. So what I suggest is when your mother in law says I just bought you groceries for a month because I thought you might have been feeling sad or whatever it might be then all you have to do is go thank you and a story when your mother in law says, I am going to pick up the kids for you and I'm gonna buy you a christmas tree and I and here's here are all my frequent flyer miles, so you and your entire family and go to hawaii for a month thank you do you want me to go do this for you? I can I get you this thing do you want me to do that for you? Can I do that for you no actually I don't I've got that one covered thank you anyway in other words just cool spare direct no elaboration don't get hooked in it's not so easy to do it it's not easy when is your mother? It could be even more difficult when is your mother in law? Because your own mother you could go mom so cool and respond on ly to what's on the surface do you want this? No I did this for you thank you just keep it very, very simple I hope that's helpful this is a process of exploration too and this is interesting because I have done this I don't know how many of you have invested time and effort and energy maybe even money into learning your type like on the myers briggs or things like that future vision says this may have been covered which it wasn't but how does it compare to things like that? The myers briggs for example I'm an I n t j how would that something like that translator? How could they take the results of other quizzes? Well, I would say that my myers briggs like many of the systems of very helpful and people have tried to correlate like I n t j is the same as the five communication style, but there really aren't correlated. They're all good ways of gaining insight into who you are and how you function and how your mind works, so they they're not. They don't replace each other and they don't call look, they don't correlate but it's all good information, so take all the tests, find all the information I have done this because I'm I'm a student of personal style, I just personality style, I just find it interesting and I always have. But this system is the one that for me is the most pragmatic it's, not just this is how my mind works, it's this is how my communication style works and this is how others work and this is how I can meet them where they are, and I find that this has a nuance to it. That is very subtle, I think it's for me, I find it the most profound, but they're all useful, but they don't replace each other or correlate necessarily, okay just wanted to clarify.