Become a Better Communicator

Lesson 8 of 21

The Three Instinctual Drives

 

Become a Better Communicator

Lesson 8 of 21

The Three Instinctual Drives

 

Lesson Info

The Three Instinctual Drives

Where does this come from? You might ask because I don't know about you, but even as I'm saying it and I've been studying this for now, close to twenty years, it's it's like a complete body of knowledge, it's very full, very rich and very subtle I would like to tell you that I did not make it up. What we're talking about in this course is sort of an amalgam of things that I personally rely on when I am writing, when I am doing interviews, when I am teaching as someone who communicates these are the things that I rely on and they're they're the things that we've been talking about, and I'm just going to recap them and then I'm going to tell you sort of the providence of the majority of the information that we're talking about. So first, I think it's very important, and we talked about this at the very beginning are you an introvert or an extra vert? Where do you get your energy? And as we discussed in detail and it's there's more follow up information the workbook on how you convince si...

de which one of these you are, then I think it's important for us to all understand, how do we react to stress? Do we moved toward it to try to pacify it? Do we move against it? To try to take it down. Or do we move away to try to avoid it? And these three things are based on the work of the german psychoanalyst of the last century named karen horn. Ai and it's called, I believe the horn, evian directional theory and that's where that comes from then we started talking about the information that's in this circle, the three centers of intelligence that we all possess. Nobody needs to make this up. We all know we possess instinctual intelligence and emotional intelligence and mental intelligence. And then we're going to modify this is how we look at this information. There are three types in each, uh, center by the three subtypes. So there are nine types us with three subtypes within each type, so that actually twenty seven types, but don't be afraid. This is where it all comes together. So these are the three instinctual drives. And when you sort of learned this information, you can answer this question. But it's important to get all of this information, we're gonna go to that in a second. But what is this? Where did this come from? Did susan make this up? Clearly? Not otherwise. I would be a complete genius, so this information is called the n e a gram. And I don't know if any of you have heard of it, maybe you have any, uh is the greek prefix for nine and any a gram means is a system of nine where did this come from? And I'm gonna make this very short because the answer is easy. Nobody knows um, which is one of the things that makes it even more interesting and mysterious to me. The first thing that's known about this is the first person to teach it in the west was thie mystic of also the last century from armenia good chief was the first person to teach it to his students privately, verbally as not as a system of personality typing, but as a way of understanding the way the world works. Okay, fast forward thirty years, forty years this guy named oscar each also uh, who lived in peru, woke up one day and said, all of this said the nine types as a system of personality don't ask I don't know where it came from and and that's the truth. I'm not trying to be disingenuous. People say that it's connected to sufism, and if anybody who has studied the angiogram is out there listening, it's often said, oh, well, it's connected to sufism, but I have chased this answer down, and if you ask someone who is a sufi do you do the end? Do you know the any graham there like no they could be hiding secret information you know they could be protecting mysterious infirm eh? But anyway I can't really find the evidence then the next thing that we know is that this student of oscar each as o's a chilean psychiatrist named cloudy on iran ho studied with oscar had awakening experiences really took this information to heart and he developed the subtypes which we're about to learn about he then went to berkeley to become a professor at uc berkeley in our hood right now and taught students privately who are interested in this verbally one of those students wrote a book in the eighties and that was the first time this information in this form was recorded and it was sort of frowned upon to write about it because the information is thought to be too powerful to just put in a book and send out there into the world because it is powerful you can see what other people can't and I don't think I'm exaggerating I've been studying it now for several decades as I say and it is there is no end to the profundity and functionality of this body of knowledge so before we go further I just want to mention that this is the providence and I did not make it up but it is my honor to try to share it because it has been so powerfully useful in my own life. So, uh, let's move on now and talk about the subtypes, which is sort of the final piece of our puzzle. Um, and as you can see here there we had each have three instinctual drives. And this is the fourth puzzle piece one, two, three, four the fourth piece of the puzzle that's why, it says for there is to try to figure out which of these instinctual drives of which you possess all is the strongest in you and that dr is a prism through which your type is refracted. So say you think oh, I think I might be a five there's a self preservation five there's a social five there's an intimate five oh, no, I think I'm on one. Well, there's a self preservation won a social one an intimate one, and so on. So they're each type actually has three faces, three manifestations and one of those is yours. And I think I said earlier I would never have picked myself is a four until I read about self preservation for because that's my subtype so the instinctual drives we all have a drive for self preservation. We all have a drive to belong to something and we all have a drive to connect with someone whether it's for purposes of procreation or just friendship whatever it might be so self preservation people no matter what their type is tend to have a certain set of concerns or things that they're uh that they think about and they're as you might expect things that relate to food and temperature and physical comfort so this is my I'm a self preservation subtype as I mentioned so life when if I'm going out to dinner with people my first question and of your self preservation subtype this might be you is what kind of food do they have and will I like that food will I be able to eat it and when it's time for me to go home will I be able to do so without threat or should I arrange a ride so you know personal safety well it cost me too much money will I will it be a drain on my finances to go there like is this a threat to me the things I need to survive food and money and physical protection and so on those are the things that self preservation people think about social subtype people this is your stronger instinctual drives don't think about those things they think about what is my place in the group and who do I belong to where do I belong to people like me course we all think about to people like me but this person that's the first thought so the social subtype is going out to dinner, they don't think will there be something there I like to eat, although they might think of that the first thought that would be are the other people there people who might like me or that I might like, well, I'd be, well, we have something to talk about, will we be able to we will have will have a meeting of the minds, what are the relationships of the people there to each other and will I fit in? Those are the kinds of questions that that person might think about if you're an intimate subtype or a sexual subtype it's sometimes called doesn't mean you just want to sex with everyone, although perhaps you do. It means more that you're looking for one person to connect with in every situation, who can I connect with, who will understand me and who can I understand? So if the, uh intimate some type person is going out to dinner, they might think exactly what you might expect, which is, well, there'll be someone there that I find interesting that I would like to talk to that I would like to get to know, and is there anyone there who I think would like to get to know me, and can I seek them out and, well, we have a chance to connect personally I don't think about those things I just think will I get home without being killed? You know I'm exaggerating but basically that my mind goes into the self preservation concerns I don't know why but before we go on and apply these subtypes to each of the types let me ask you do you does this make sense? Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not rocket science? Well one question when you say self preservation and then you talk about what I like the food those to me seemed like different things ones just like you know, one okay can I eat to survive and then there's kind of like another level on mass lows hierarchy ok, does it taste good? They seem different but you seem like you're saying they're the same though well yes in the sense that will the nourishment that is provided to me be sufficient suitable desirable you know um I gluten free will they have food with gluten in it it's just thinking about sustenance as a cell and sustenance sort of falls maurine the self preservation you know wheelhouse than it does social or intimate so it's concerns of sustenance and comfort and security makes sense okay, so now let's apply these subtypes to the types first we will apply them to the intuitive types, so we'll start again eight, nine and one and we'll look at the self preservation eight the social ate the intimate eight and so on for nine and one, and then we'll pause and see if there any questions there they are, they have names. So the warrior, as you recall, it's the type where all the sensory energy, all the intuitive energy goes out. It's the type that doesn't mind getting angry. It's, the type that wants to dominate a situation, wants to express its power when that is combined with self preservation instinct, this person is called satisfactory survival, which means it's the kind of person who could actually be a survivalist. In order to control my environment and my food and my personal safety, I might have to go live in the mountains in wyoming and and grow my own food and and hunt my own animals. And that is the only way I'm actually going to be safe. So do you see how that combines the self preservation and the drive for power or lust or control of a situation so that's very different than the social subtype of the warrior? The drive for power and dominance, it's and safety and control comes from having an extended set of kind of friends, a posse it's kind of the posse mentality. I think of it as sort of the mafia mentality it doesn't mean that these people are in the mafia itjust means when you think about the mafia such as it may be in movies, I don't really know what it's like the sort of ethic is if you're in I will kill for you and if you cross me I will kill you so it's that kind of like I've got my posse I've got my world I got my people I've got my club and that's how I make myself feel powerful and safe and in control the third subtype the intimate warrior, so to speak when the the drive for personal connection combines with this warrior aesthetic, this person is called possession slash surrender which means they are looking for one person who they can either possess or surrender to someone who might be ableto handle how strong they are and even maybe a little bit stronger for a moment or who for whom they can put all of their power into for protection they conserve that person. So it's called possession surrender does this make sense so going through it fast? But so those are the three subtypes within the warrior now we go to nine the intermediary remember the one who can't find their own agenda who's idealization is I am comfortable who sort of could see all points of view but can't find their own and wants to avoid taking a position so when you combine that with a self preservation, uh instinct this subtype is called appetite and it doesn't just mean there hungry it means there's this is the kind of person who uses food or drugs or magazines or exercise or whatever it might be too self norco ties to sort of they use the tools of self preservation to just sort of create a kind of cocoon and more of it it's like a protective shield of food or drugs or exercise or whatever it might be the social intermediary a intermediary the remember the one who wants to maybe belong to something is called participation and what it means here is kind of it's the kind of person whose mind is very much gear toe groups and what people do and belonged to some belonging to something but they're always sort of hovering on the perimeter but never quite in or out so they may be like, you know, maybe there's a meeting of the club or something and they buy the doughnuts and bring them and then leave, but they're not ever going to get involved actually in the meat of the matter, but they're not not there either makes sense uh intimate subtype of the intermediary is called union, which means in order to stop, not have to think about anything or take a position or make a life myself based on who I am and what I want I want to find a partner with whom I can achieve union and that partners agenda will become my agenda I will get an agenda from my life from my partner I will support them, I will help them I will interested in what they're interested in I will go wherever we go we'll go there together so it's almost like a you know it's union it's one person not two people and the the intermediary the ninth type takes on the agenda of the partner makes sense so these were different three different ways the crusader in the one the self preservation one remember the one is the one who is like this is right this is wrong uh black and white thinking very literal by the way and just as an aside in my life I know I've told you my husband is the one if this is always here and oh that's where it lives and then I move it over here and he wants it he comes down, he goes it's gone I can't find it like it's right there, but anyway it's kind of very literal like this is where it should go on if it's not there does it, I can't find it I can't actually see it so anyway when that's combined with e self preservation instinct for you know survival and so on it's called worry which this is a kind that is constantly concerned, very anxious are you doing it right? She doing all right? Am I doing it right? Are we doing it wrong? What's gonna happen if it goes right what's gonna happen if it goes wrong worried about the danger to our personal safety that can arise when you do something when you don't do it correctly it's threatening to my personal safety that things might not be done correctly. So it's called worry the social subtype of the first number one type of the crusader is called non adaptable or sometimes it's called rigid excuse me, which means this is the kind of person that has a very clear social code. When you are given a gift you write a thank you note within three days when you are out shopping for someone, then you also buy them this thing when you are invited to a party you do not bring a guest without calling them first. I mean, these are obviously just good manners and by anyone's estimation but for this person there's a completely rigid, non adaptable code for the way you should behave in society in the way society should work, why are they having a party on a tuesday party should be on saturday, that kind of thing it's, unchanging the third subtype, the intimate subtype is called heat this is my personal husband and what that means is this unit this is not funny, but it makes me laugh all the attention to right and wrong goes to the partner. How are you doing that right? I don't think he did that. What are you doing? That maybe you could do it better it even to his son he's like you could you know, he could have done that better and he's trying to help us it's like a loving gesture, even though it can be really annoying. Sorry, honey. Um but that's how they expressed their love they want the partner to be perfect. They want everyone they love to have everything go right for them and so they're constantly correcting the one who's closest to them lucky may. So those of the intuitive communicators and the subtypes okay, next emotional communicators. Okay. First the second type the lover, the one that gives to get the one that is attuned to everyone's sort of feelings it has the pride of being needed when that is combined with the self preservation instinct, it results in a person called me first, which is someone who's like I'm going to do this for you I'm going to do that for you and do the other thing for you and then when I need you, you better be there me first, you know, to put me first I'm gonna put you first twenty four seven or twenty three six and then at the one time when I need you, you better jump or I'm gonna be really pissed off. So this is how this person creates their safety, their their, their physical safety, their psychic safety by developing a network of people who will put them first. So I believe that I have a bookkeeper and I believe that she is this type, and she works for so called creative people. So and well, I know a lot of her other clients and were like she wants a shredder. Oh my god, I got to go get that shredder she had takes such great care of my finances. I have not written a check. I'm not mr payment, I have not had to collect money, I'm not for like ten years I could not live without her. She does such a great job for me and I'm not good at these things, so he'll be a mess without her. I fully acknowledge that. And then when she's and she never she doesn't say, look what I've done for you, she just does it, but then when she says I'm like a shredder I'm like out the house like a shot to get the shredder for her because I'm going to put her first she does so much for me when she asked me for anything, she rises to the top and I'm happy to do it the second subtype here social subtype mixed with this pride of being needed very different and you were asking about bill clinton and if he's a two it would be a social to which doesn't look like the other two's it's called ambition because these are the ones that step out from the shadows and I don't necessarily want to serve the power that that that is they want to be that power and they get that way by creating these powerful personal alliances. They have a lot of ambition and they use personal relationships and connections and affection, and to make their ambitions riel and with all of these things, if it's done from good heartedness it's great if it's done from fear not so great the third of these subtypes of the second type lover these three people look very different from each other he might not think, oh, they're the same type it's called seduction and it's not the kind of person south they're doing things for you it's not the kind of person that's out trying to rule the world it's the kind of person that just sort of sits here and I can't do this because I'm not this kind of person with this like emanating seduction and you just drawing you in without you even knowing it that's why it's called seduction so that instead of going out to you and say I did this for you not gonna do this for me they just sort of magnetize people one by one so you would think like someone like marilyn monroe this would be a common room bill clinton you wouldn't think so they might have something in common but perhaps they do they both have this emotional poll on us in different ways the masters of the phenomenal world the ones who think appearances is the way things are and want to impress and don't want to fail when that is combined with self the self preservation instinct this is the kind of person that wants security through their accomplishments so they want to have a lot of money in the bank and I want you to know they have a lot of money in the bank they want teo um be as successful as they can in their chosen profession just the basic things they want to have I'm not just enough food but the best food not just a place to live but the best place to live they want their security to be unquestionable their physical security and then you know on the very mundane world the second the subtype social three different it's called prestige. They want to impress the group. This might be your friend who was always talking about their accomplishments. They want at the social circle to be mightily impressed by their accomplishments and their presence. And they want everyone to know that their show boaters. So if you sit down with someone and within two minutes, you know that they, like, collect a trust in pottery and have one of the best such collections outside of the smithsonian or whatever. And they kid just got accepted to harvard and brown and princeton, and you know this within, like, two minutes of talking to them. You like, oh, well, that that might be this kind of person. The intimate subtype of this master of the phenomenal world is called ideal male or female, and they want to appear to be the perfect man or the perfect woman. It doesn't mean what by whatever measure you measure these things. And if if a man is supposed to be strong and and impressive and take care of everyone and that's what they want to be, the man is supposed to be sensitive and artistic and whatever that's what they want to be, they just want to appear to be the ideal of whatever gender they relate to finally we get to the poet. And the three subtypes of the one who is always think something's missing the one who is sort of like craves intensity the one who doesn't want anything to be ordinary, the one who needs to feel a lot to know that they're alive. The first one self preservation this eye that's me I didn't realize it until I read this I was like, well, it's called reckless or dauntless sometimes and it's a kind of kamikaze energy it's like I'm so confused by this world everything I have is so not what I want and I I just know there's something happening somewhere and I don't care how I have to get there I'm gonna get there, I'll move to thailand, I'll shoot heroin I did have not done these things by the way, I'll shave my head and I'll become a hari krishna whatever I just just something extreme toe wake myself up everything's kind of dark and hopeless anyway, so what the hell? What the hell throw myself on a fire? That was me when I was young, especially I I just was people have often said to me you seem to be unafraid, I'm like I'm very afraid, but I'm taking chances is a neurotic gesture on my part it's an expression of neurosis not on expression of confidence, so I remember once and I'll make this brief I used to be a taxi driver many moons ago, and I was to pray it was a depressive depress bad time in my life I was a taxi driver in boston, the home of the worst drivers in the united states, and this was like in the late eighties and I was a girl just still them and so they always give me the crappy cabs and I was sitting outside a nightclub but like one forty five a m because the club let out it to wait, you know, drunk people need cabs and I sitting outside this club, it was like a hundred degrees out my cab didn't have air conditioning because I got the crafty cabs and I smoking cause I was smoker then, and I like the helm and this life it's crazy what's going on here, something got something could happen to change this hell and song comes on the radio from bruce springsteen dancing in the dark and the lyrics or something like there's something happening somewhere, baby, I just know that there is and I heard that I was like, put cigarette out driveway, doesn't it? I'm out there's something happening somewhere and it's not f in here and I'm out and I was out, I put all my stuff in my sister's car didn't have a card and I am driving cross country and when I need to have a job when I run out of money, I'll get a job and I don't know where I'm going, but there's something happening somewhere and that is that is what is the quality quality of reckless in this particular case? It's like I got to feel something no ordinary for me get the awesome er ok, because micah I was I'd spent months driving around and then my car broke down. I was wanted to go to austin, texas, because I love music and I was about to miss the exit and I want teo to try to just catch the exit and I ran over like a kn island and broke the front axle in my car I lived in austin and I lived there for like seven years that's what's reckless this has turned out to be awesome, but anyway, but at least my car didn't break down and somewhere bad don't want insult anyone's town so that's me the social subtype very different than the self preservation for the social four is called shame and there's a sense of that. All the force have a sense of lack and inadequacy and darkness and melancholy, but the social forest like nobody likes me I think of it it's the kind of image of like the little match girl out in the rain it's like ten degrees out and it's raining on the little match girl and she's looking in the window of the family having thanksgiving dinner and they're having turkey legs in their hands and stuff and so that's the sort of energy of the social four I can't help it if people don't actually like me, I'm ashamed of who I am, not good enough to be a part of what I valiant painful intimate for quite different than the other force like for some of the subtypes look kind of alike, like the eights you can usually tell force look very different from each other five look kind of the same sixes look very different from each other anyway. The intimate subtype of forest called competition sometimes called hate, but I didn't put that cause that makes people feel bad, but when then, the wish to connect with one person is combined with this longing for intensity and drama. Even this is the most dramatic. When I said earlier force or drama kings or queens, I meant the intimate subtype they are the drama kings and queens there big all this intimate subtypes have a certain kind of a plume image that the other types don't, because when you're in a sexual place, you have more plumage, so the competition is with the partner you got that I want that the constantly comparing and their fight pickers they will pick a fight there the other force or kind of like uh like an involved they're like, I don't like that I'm gonna tell you I don't like it and I'm gonna tell you why I don't like it and because I'm so attuned to aesthetics I can give you great details about why I don't like what you just did so it's called competition competing with the partner so the wizard as you remember the fifth type is the type where all the thinking energy goes in the type type that sort of wants privacy that wants control of the inner environment that likes to think about things likes to understand things when that's combined with the self preservation instinct it's called castle meaning they want to build a home that is safe from outside forces they want castle they want a moat they want to be able to draw up the moat when they're in the house so people can't approach without explicit permission whether they live in a room with tent you know with five roommates or they live in an actual castle, they want their space to be very protected and they want that protection to be guaranteed don't walk into that room don't knock on their door uninvited they need a castle however they can create one from what they have the social subtype is called totem and a totem means it's kind of like a system of symbols that explains things, so this is a dream for the social subtype of the five, they're looking for systems that explain things the n e a gram is such a system, it explains how why people do what they do and how things work could be interested in buddhism could be interested in quantum physics, any kind of system that explains they're looking for a totem that explains the way reality works, and then the intimate subtype is called confidence, which doesn't mean they feel confident are they trying to be confident means they're looking for one person who they can take into their confidence, one person who they can show who they really are because they're so concerned with privacy and sort of containment, but they want one person you will know me, you I can tell everything to confidence, moving on to the advocate slash adversary, the ones who are full of doubt and perceiving threats and so on. The self preservation subtype is called warm, which these are the ones that are like, I'm just going to be so nice and so sweet and so kind and so good to everyone that no one's gonna be mad at me, so I'm going to be warm toward everyone I'm going to pacify if if I even smell the possibility of a problem, I'm going nice, it out of the picture so very warm the actual the person in my story is this self preservation six even though he said bad idea I totally get that about him social subtype of six very difference called duty it's nothing to do with ice but I sense a threat and I'm going to just try to be nice a good little puppy or something it's the kind of person that's like if everyone in the society would follow the rules we would be safe so everybody does their duty you're a garbage man you pick up the garbage your plumber you fixed people's plumbing your scientist you cure cancer your mom you raise kids everybody just does their duty everybody has a place everybody fits in then we're gonna be cool there could be people that shouldn't be here they need to go so it can be a kind of aggressive position but still it's a sense of that if everything ran according to plan we'll be fine so you just ever had to do their duty and we'll be cool the third subtype is kind of a play on the three ideal man and woman called strength and beauty if you're a man you want to or identify with masculine qualities you want to be seen as super strong and powerful and if you're a woman you want to be seen is beautiful but it's not a kind of seductive beauty like a two it's a different kind of beauty and this this may be splitting hairs but I was reading article about sharon stone you should middle age but she's still very beautiful she has that quality of six ish beauty which is this kind of doesn't feel very soft two has a kind of softness in it. Six this kind of beauty has its kind of doesn't feel very I'm not saying she is a sexual six but maybe she is but that's the flavor of the type finally we get to the final triad on the mental ls on the mental of the mental types the trickster the one that's like vision possibility joy don't bog me down with you with your puny problems and the self preservation sounds like a social thing but it's not the self preservation seven in order to create a sense of safety and security just surrounds themselves with family and friends it's different than the posse of the social eight it's more a sense of wherever I go I know people and I've known people like this if you go to a restaurant everybody knows their name the bartender knows them they know what they're drinking you go to a movie theater the person selling tickets knows the movie they saw last they just they sort of make friends everywhere out in the world which can be scary turn everyone into a friend kind of creates a sense of safety uh, the social seven very difference called sacrifice, which, if which means for the group, for my business, for my family, I will sacrifice my wish for joy and fun and vision and possibility. I will put that down for you. They look less like party animals than the other two sevens and more like more serious, more sober. But they're still reacting to that, uh, gluttony. Finally, the intimate seven is called fascination, and these were like the casanova sze of the system there, like looking for one person to become fascinated by, like, super fascinating. Oh, my god, I can't believe someone like you exists, uh, the most interesting person in the world, and then no, actually you're not. This person is the most interesting person in the world till some problem comes in, then for them, love or union or intimacy is not about what it may be to the rest of us. It's about becoming fascinated by a magical creature that is the most special person in the whole world until they have a problem.

Class Description

Ready to build your ability to connect, communicate, and create? Join Susan Piver for an introduction to the communication and mindfulness skills every successful professional needs to know.

You’ll learn about the three styles of communication: instinctual, emotional, and rational. Susan will guide you through discovering and taking advantage of your own style. You’ll also learn about how to understand colleagues’ and clients’ communication styles, to make each interaction the best it can be. Susan will also cover the importance of mindfulness as a tool to cultivate effective communication.

By the end of this course, you’ll have a deeper understanding of who you are as a communicator and an easy-to-implement mindfulness routine that will help you speak, listen, and respond more effectively.

Reviews

Aliah Husain
 

I loved this class. I was not expecting it to be a full on enneagram tutorial, but with that said, the content of Susan's class was life changing. I grew up in a very conservative household where open conversations were not welcome and therefore, never knew how to communicate my thoughts and feelings without becoming emotional and feeling misunderstood. By taking this course, and afterward reading The Wisdom of the Enneagram, I was able to learn my personality/communication type, the styles of those around me, and how to bridge the gap to be understood in any message. The coursework has also helped me to better understand the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of my loved ones. Again, truly life changing course work. Highly recommend to anyone looking to make sense of themselves and their surroundings, and apply this knowledge in a practical sense, both personally and professionally. THANK YOU, SUSAN!!!