Digital Assets & Details Worksheet Continued
The first house I but as an adult lived in was an old one built in nineteen twenty or something, and if you if you go, visit those older houses rather than one that have built in the last ten or twenty years, there's no closet space, right? And it's because people didn't have that much stuff like we had, we had a couple of coats and some shoes, and I'm not saying like, oh, let's, go back in the olden times and everything was simpler, but we have a lot of stuff, so when we're thinking about details and that the devil is in the details and that if we can't find the one thing that matte matters because it's tossed in with a bunch of stuff that we just that doesn't matter that much, like, it might be a nice time to corral the things that are important and maybe clear out some of the things that aren't and clear some space till, like, you know, be in the room and know the difference between the lincoln book and the, you know, one that you got at the garage sale down the street for twenty fi...
ve cents, yeah, yeah, so are there certain things that, um, you know, on the round up dealing with account information and all of that that you would want tohave set aside specifically with different instructions you know there's the pet in the cats and then there's also the details of your current life but then there's the how you would want to pass those off later like your itunes or your stories or the pictures and making sure that those get corralled or sent to the right place and the right person um one example of that that I'll share with you is I um after after my husband died you go through this strange in between time of I mean I did of trying to manage all of the online stuff and all of this stuff in the house that there's almost this um it's the your chocolate and the peanut butter and they've don't always make two great tastes that go great together so there's all this stuff that you have to sort through over here and there's all the stuff that you have to sort through over here so what do I do with the ten thousand pictures on flicker what do I do with like the two giant tubs of the vacation we took and you know like you back in the day like with fillmore now even more so when you could take a thousand pictures in a day and one or two of them are meaningful sorting through all of that stuff takes a lot of time and then you know a lot of energy and a lot of energy and so you've got sold talking boxes of pictures, thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of pictures, and that when you, when you're not feeling when you give yourself the space to not have to have two weeks to clean out a house with two lifetimes worth of stuff in it, what do you hold on to? And what do you get rid of? And how do you make sure not to throw out the twenty seven thousand dollars check that's the needle in the haystack, all of the crap that's bearing it right? And so there was the online thing, and it took me a number of years to try tio, um, figure out how to be the archivist essentially of someone's life, and we find that with our parents and, you know, often with our aging parents on dh ourselves now, and we kind of look at what stuff we've got and how much stuff we don't really need, and then maybe what we want to leave to our kids or those after us and like, out of this pile of stuff often it's like this amount of stuff that actually matters. And, for example, the closet, you know, everyone used to have a teeny closets and less stuff. And so you're going through the online stuff and then you're going through all the books and it's like this is a textbook from high school like, why do I need this? Like, what do we need do this and even like the little teeny things what you feel toward by it's like the sox like what you do with the socks, right? Like the nice ones like the nice, smart one? Well, ones like I kept those, but after a while there's this moment where you take the douro and you dump it out and you just get rid of the sox the same way that somebody drives a dumpster up when you start throwing precious antiques and shattering them into it because you just can't deal with it deal with it. Yeah, yeah, so the details around up is great to make sure that you don't get anything lost, you know, spent six hours talking to the I'm sorry for your loss department and you don't lose anything that you own, but there's also an opportunity. And so just this last sheet innocently titled other information um, might be a couple of things for you to think about a little more, you know, we touched on that with the wills and gifts and charity and what you might want your people tohave, but there are things out there in the in the interwebs digitally assets type things that you have that would be good to write down where they are and that these air the imf porton things so kind of along the line of your letter of values that goes along with your living will there was that ethical will that can also go along with your will that there's ah what's important you know the details stuff that that I want you to keep and here's where it is and here's where you get it too so it's not it's about it starts with accounts, accounts and passwords and protecting your digital rights and it also moves to here is the drop box folder where I have recorded myself reading all of my favorite children's books and I want youto have a audio library of me reading books so when you my children have your children grandma will always be able to read stories I know I totally did that that's also I did, but I'm starting to do that. It was an idea that somebody sent to me and I thought it was so beautiful that there was a picture of the books, the hard copy books that she had had from when she was a kid and then eh well and there was a disk too because you could just pop it in but also instructions with them together of her reading all these stories a cz well, and then that could move on to the next person. So there's there's but there's the socks and then there's, you know the stuff that that counts and the details that you khun leave behind so you could still be there. That's cool, you must thinking that in the digital age, maybe we're all a little more honor bound to become better archivists of our own lives. Because there's this huge, you know, paper trail coming off of sort of every day. Certainly me, I'm prolific in the digital space and it's not organized and it's. So it would be so overwhelming and that's different than it. Ten years, five years. I mean, just changed so quickly that in a way we haven't increased responsibility. Now we do, and we have become a good archival experts. Well, in some ways, the social media sites have have become an easy way for us to do that, right? Like we can follow everyone's vapor and see what everyone had for lunch and what parties they were at in all of that, which is it a beautiful way to stay in touch and share and communicate? Um, it's, not it's, not the same as as, um things so of more that are more substantial and a lot of ways, so things have become so easy to add and throw away and add and throw away that we're accumulating this storage room of digital stuff a cz well as we move through it you know another thing this isn't assets but I had this situation come up a while ago I think and and going back to your experience with not being able to get in your husband's phone to get contact I think having a list of key friends and email addresses and phone numbers or whatever it is I even had this happen a while ago with a friend who had not passed away but she's moved away and all of us here don't know who her new friends are in her new location and we couldn't find her for a few days and we had no idea of who to contact to say has anyone seen her and it all turned out to be fine but still there was several days of being very, very worried and on the flip side, if something happened to her we would like her new friends or her family to remember us back here in seattle and let us know right that something had happened and I think that's something that's lost because I like you say nobody knows phone numbers there just in your phone sorting through the thousand cut contacts that aaron your contact database is important and who's not there's no way to tell since your google contacts is basically everyone you've ever eaten all right all right looks like yeah you know what good is that there's one hack that I'll suggest which is it's more popular in europe but I see in case of emergency yeah it's a way that people can tag context contact information or people in their in their phones and everyone is having a favorites list an active one not just recent calls what you tad people as your favorites often it's convenience because of who you call the most but it's also who's the most important to you and that similar to the way people will plan for a vacation or a surgery or a baby coming or a move you know you have this extensive list of here's this phone number in that phone number in that that phone number just a in case of life yeah um here's a phone list too yeah, a single mom if I ever go out of town for a couple of nights um the list I leave behind for my parents it was first of all embarrassing and telling about my oh city levels of like he likes his food separate but not touching but do this and then you know like it was too much information that's not necessarily helpful but everywhere I'm going to be on a number of ways to reach me is readily available when I drive away to go run errands you know, I haven't left that same that same in case of life thing by yeah, but I do have I see people noted in my phone I do have a favorites list and I also don't password protect my phone and that's me and that's because my personal specific situation very re trickery but I don't password protect my phone, and for the last four and a half years nothing bad has happened because of that, so I'm not telling you to do or not to do that, but it it's been fine, I prefer not to my employers require it you're some employers dio yeah, and I was thinking, I have a great list of most of this stuff in my phone, so there would be those four numbers, those phone numbers, which is a paranoid about what people are looking at any of that stuff that great note that has all the stuff right it's in this one place, which knight, you know, I'm my apartment was in a fire and what we were brushed out, which are out the window, and I didn't know anyone's phone number absolutely not right when there was nothing I could do, people would walk up to me on the sidewalk and say, do you want to use my phone to do what I call e know anyone's number from literally no button I knew my mom's phone number of issues a thousand miles away I did what I was going to go mom and outside on the sidewalk from a fire so I just didn't call anyone it was like I'll be sitting here until, uh the office opens on monday morning your underpants on the street thousand friends but I'm no idea uh yeah like who called like you call four one one still like our people, everyone most meditating where many people are you know, the millennials only they don't have land lines and I can't get a little information I wouldn't have a landline in five eight years twenty what's interesting is that if the new new phones air now like a some print so technology is going to be more like you have to put your pupil up to the door it's going to become more and more personal and harder to break into you can take it don't put enough of a dead person are you gonna take your cell phone, right? But this thing you know this my name is before you know it because I've grown five out there with that it was going to say it might be something of a legend now have on the one hand is a it is a back up which is great, but on the other hand it's even more levels of your your host and things my yeah I have to do that even more reason why this is important as technology gets more advanced what do you guys do? Does anyone have the password to your phone? It's my boyfriend's birthday so he knows he knows what the password is to get into now everybody does unprotected I just extra stuff I don't need to deal with so yeah yeah interesting so what what would be the I'm curious if you guys are willing to share that one thing that you would want to make sure is set aside and you're in your digital in other worlds toe go to somebody else can you think of everything for my business pure business yeah I mean all the families I serve I mean that's that's the firewall and somebody has to take care of him, you know? So when you see people manage that otherwise I mean facebook big deal I think people would be pretty happy when they don't see me feed but yeah, the businesses is my main concern right now. Following is an independent business owner you like a lot of freelancers or or me you you don't probably have like the person to call when something goes wonky, right? So figuring out keeping everything up to date going through protection stuff figuring out what you need to dio is an actual level of like maintenance and care sure which is I think why some of those online options were paid off options or free options is is a nice way to go because somebody else has got it you just need to get it there right definitely but I mean the stewardship of that entity itself is what makes me nervous like aiken I can get my wife the passwords for all my company stuff and that's great but she I mean someone's gotta take care, you know, at least for the families that air in the system you know? I mean, I take care of people at a really rough time you don't say, oh well and we're done you know, I mean so that that doesn't keep me awake at night but I mean it's definitely top of mind do you asked carry on I think photo pictures photos so knows because that's the most emotional digital thing although honestly social media I'm very active and I think I've had people pass away and and their page exists and it's a nice place for people together ah usually maybe on the birthday or the death anniversary and, you know, we sort of come together on that person's timeline and say we miss you and so I think that it might digital p away I'd probably say hey keep keep it a memorialize my page and let his day up um I wouldn't want it to just disappear but that's a little funky right? Because then what about ten years from now or twenty? You know, grave sins and senators e I kind of want that all to go away yeah, my photos I wantto keep that facebook or twitter email that cannot go yeah it's interesting I think maybe because there's a lot of my heart and soul in there yeah so I feel like it's a it's a it's a little hallmark card of mirror crisp there she lies on instagram and so that that's interesting because there's the version of your life that was managed by you but until then, which is a snapshot yeah, and then there's the engagement after and so sometimes depending on what we want, what we do people post for you so we can see the responses and how you've impacted people right on dh then there's also some insists where people will keep posting on somebody else's behalf yeah, which is a little personal on but it's it's a it's an in between in this way which is interesting of how, how, how, when somebody like what legacy means and how that continues to interact and move forward in the future and how to help you know when when folks are there in my funeral wishes I added a line about some way for my digital family or my far long family to participate digitally good that somehow the event you know like I'm not saying we need to do a creative live way might have just something you know it's not I don't want to skype the cremation but you don't want something right some way that people could participate digitally because honestly my life is all over the world now and my family's especially quite literally there in israel in england and australia everywhere. So there's this sense that digital is democratic and I sort of want that that form of connection to be part of my after life somehow the participation yeah, but you don't have to fly in across the connections do connection which is a part of my life today why wouldn't that be part of my death? They can't be is making us instructions I put I put the line item e I don't plan to die for a while excellent, nobody playing wait for me I've been a photographer really pretty much my whole wilson's I was very young so many twenty thirty years something about my photographs put many of them out the best ones out into the world, so I'm like, um but my recipes recipes are something that I know people would be like where's that cookie recipe three point recipe right town yeah, you could take a picture of the food with the recipe do you have ah spaghetti sauce that's killer that you're willing to give away yes. Excellent. I will see you after the session the rate that some people are like oh, now I can't give it up it's like yeah, maybe just the only upon death well I give up a secret families forgetting sauce recipe yeah, well, I wanted to touch really quickly on a couple of things before we decide to wrap up for today. One of the things that happens is meeting to get help so there's managing your details which we've already kind of crack this open and realize that there's a number of layers to it the first one is just protect yourself and get everything organized. The second one is intentionality around like your stuff and then what you want to leave behind but often we find ourselves having to take care of these details for other people or when things go sideways or when something happens parents all of these things that we we often have to kind of hunt stuff down for others and it in a way if something happens it's a huge way to help if something goes a little a little wrong so a couple of things about helping and dealing with the details especially when when there are a mess and and somebody needs to, you know, go hunt stuff so the first thing is ask for health so if doing going entering that storage room on your own would be a daunting task but if you have somebody in there with you you can turn on some music you can divide and conquer take shifts when things need to get done and people need help calling in the cavalry is a nice way to to distribute it and make sure that happens faster um again not to totally go with the whole minnesota girl thing but we don't ask for help where I grew up like let's be clear like the combine khun run you over and you could have your legs cut off and someone be like a uh need a lift to the hospital like now I got it I'm good I'm sure I could just crawl my way no no no no worries you know I mean if you're on fire and someone has a fire extinguisher and they say can I help you like not good I'm sure it'll put itself out in a little bit so asking for help this seriously what you know one of most painful things that I had to learn how to d'oh and once you do it you're like oh my god I don't know everything all by myself um and so when somebody is going through a hard time and they say that they don't need your fire extinguisher but you can see their own fire helping is a really really good thing to dio um going war room I like to call this going all tony soprano on this but if you look at the way I'm tony had organized his people like it's very, very efficient and so when I needed help and I had barely the capacity to just focus on being in the room there were a number of things that were very, very important that I knew were happening you know, like that my son was being taken care of and that he had play dates and that my financial situation was kind of, you know, like not like going down in flames and that, um a number of things needed to be happening to keep keep you know, the boat afloat, but I couldn't manage all the ten or twenty things per category I just needed to know that they were happening. So if a friend could be and you know, whoever is your power of attorney for financial stuff, that might be a good person to say hey, can you just keep I on my finances? Whoever's the guardian for your kids can you just make sure that something is happening and that my kid makes it toe swim classes the family or groceries and then call in people to manage not everything for you but one thing and then you have one person to talk to about one thing that really really counts so when things go wrong go tony soprano the timeline is also really interesting to think about and we've all had you know thank you for sharing your stories about family and when things go wrong and when things get hard and one of the things that um I think we do over and over again is, um expect things to get much better or go back to normal really, really soon but they don't you know? And so everyone wants to come to the hospital and then everyone wants to come bring you a lasagna the first week and then after a number of weeks and especially after maybe three to six months the lasagnas have run out right and that's kind of sometimes the point where you're just getting tired you know, like I use the baby example a lot when you come home from the hospital is like I got a baby I got a baby I'm making a for tada everything's great, you know? And then then the cumulative effect of not sleeping at all for a long time starts to catch up to you and six months after having a baby is when I needed someone to push me in the wheelchair with that milk shape you know what I mean? Like that's when I needed the milkshake in the wheelchair not right away when I was like riding the high of you know the of the shock, so helping helping strategically early is good. Helping after is sometimes really, really, really good. Um, and then lots of patients around cleaning up, like going into that storage room, for example, or getting very, very upset that the lincoln journal was thrown away is very easy to do. Breathe in and out. Asked for help. It just takes a while. It just takes a while. And then the other thing is about when you are left a mess or when you're trying to help and somebody is not at their best. That's a good time to separate you from them, right, it's, not about you. Nobody necessarily left you this pile of crap to deal with because they don't like you. It doesn't have anything to do with you. None of us necessarily understand the impact or consequences or cumulative effect of all of these little things and what they add up to. You know what I mean? It's. Not like anyone's coming over and smashing you on the head, it's more like a slow death by a thousand paper cuts, which is not pleasant. But, you know, slow down and it's and it's. Not about you.