Living Will Questionnaire and Story Sharing
This is, can I just say this is the cool part like really where? Like I'm writing, I'm gonna trust in this, and then when somebody turns thirty five like I don't, the reason why I had to create that detail sheet is because I'm not good with the details. This is the part we get to, like, crack it open a little bit on dh, stir things a little bit. So speaking of cracking it open, I love I just did that whenever about mom teo, I didn't do that on purpose to the living will question here, and we're going to talk a little bit about what that isthe so context for this, the questioner that you see in the workbook is definitely more expanded than the just boilerplate one. Usually the boilerplate ones are about a page or two long, and what they say is I do or do not want hydration, and I do or do not want, um, food essentially, if I get to myself to a vegetative spot where I'm not like the chance of not being able to get better is is grand. Um, there have been a lot of people doing a lot of wor...
k, probably forever, I think you know what? What is that they say that the oldest profession, you know, the world's oldest profession is front, right? But I think people were dying before their actual prostitutes so I think maybe the world's oldest profession is taking care of the people who aren't here with us any more. So it's just you know that actually isn't relevant at all so let's go ahead and wait you know, when is the last time to treat you a wave for you that's the takeaway actually there we go funeral directors more popular than hookers. Okay, um but the point about from the beginning of time is that for a while now there are different words people use for this document as well there's advanced directives there's living wills there are a lot of people talking about end of life and end of life rights and the choices that you can make and then the choices that people may or may not have had historically. So the question here here is kind of a compilation of a lot of different questions going from the most bare to the most complete and so we can think about we can think about the level of specificity you're ready tio uh to complete now things that might be interesting to similar on or think about um I love this questioner because honestly, sometimes you feel like check check, check uh done right there you're good, you're good to go and other people like well, you know, like so again purple goldfish everyone's a snuff like right okay, so um we kind of went through the values what you want to do the examples of language it's on here in case you haven't wantto re reference it again you're assigning a durable power of attorney for health care and this is your one two three your first choice and then if they can't do it or unable to a second choice and if they can't do it or unable to a third um there is ah I wonder if I left it in the back I deleted it and put it back in and I deleted that the list of people who can actually witness your the signing is a fun list because it's like may not be interested in any of your door don't like your organs may not do this may not do that can you like so nobody who's on your living will should be getting any of your stuff so they can't be financially or otherwise incentivize just to do it right and in that in that way yeah, but but but saying that um you off almost always always, always, always always like so what I just said might be confusing because backing up your durable power of attorney is very, very frequently your spouse right very, very frequently your spouse and we talked a little bit about why that why that's complicated and not just because um like the common the common reason is they're sad or challenged or not dealing with it or can't do it or in my situation honestly like untrustworthy like maybe not that's not the right word but complicated. There are many other situations in which people have a spouse that they're not living with anymore right you're separated you might still be legally married but things aren't good right? Or you might be in a situation that you're still married and things aren't good right? Like if we're talking about any situation in which you don't feel safe in the home or you don't feel supported or anything like that, the default may or may not be the spouse you also could have very different religious views or cultural views right? Your spouse could be somebody who you love being married with and doing the dishes with but your spouse could be a part of another religion or group or culture that thinks very, very differently and if that's the case that's why we have the paper but we also have the conversation right? So we want to think holistically like this is a gift you want to give a gift to somebody who the gift would then become a burden, right? So and you don't give a gift to somebody who's going to take the gift and smash it all other than be like thanks for the gift it was really also but anyway, anyhoo, right? So that's kind of interesting. Well, there's that was just recognizing the full brand new of of of the situations in which many of us live, I just changed my own mind right here about an answer. I like really something. And then I was like, no, do the other thing top press on because you think they would be I complicated or struggle with a negative doing her. Oh, because this person was on my will beneficiary fish here, right? Yeah, I had to do that too. I put an alternate sort of, you know, I'm so what I'm talking about let me be there is the witnesses, the witnesses you can give your you can have yours is not the same person, right? So the witnesses who witnessed the document can't benefit. Yes, the witnesses should be should be neutral people. They're just witnesses, they're not in your will. So your wife or your husband or your spouse can be in your will and can be this be your first choice that often happens, but this is just a witness thing. So this is like a witness witness, witness, witness getting it notarized so well, let's go through this first because the way that states work is often you don't need to have some states you don't need to have the will the living wills notarized on almost all circumstances you do need toe have wills notarized but it's never a bad idea and often really really recommended to do it just to give it another legals all right legal legal stamp ok yeah so yes sorry to interrupt I just want to ask a quick question from s macy who says for clarification is a living well the same thing as an advanced directive they are documents that share the same name and they're almost interchangeable some states will refer to them differently but it's the same thing yeah so so here's the deal your spouse can be your first choice on your living will your spouse can also be the one who gets all of your house and all of your stuff yeah um so the other one is so when we go down we've got the food and water thing so that's often like the the approval saying I do or I do not want this um so is that because that's a sort of a passive d n r in a way because of the laws in this country like you can't say uh, I want to die but you can say I don't want food or water, which is the same thing as saying I do not resuscitate so yeah d n r is is ah do not do not continue to do medical things to make dinars cardiopulmonary yeah, yeah that's what I thought about that specific thing but it's in that sound like it's like a way of saying I don't wanna live so what it's saying is that you are you know what you're saying is like what you're specifically saying is that I don't want you to keep giving me water and I don't want you to keep giving me food um yeah in my arm will die saying let me die that's what I'm getting at is I think you're kind of saying let me die in a roundabout way moving soon what you're doing is you're removing medical support and so when you're talking about what quality of life means to you and when you when when you hit a point that you don't want to do it, we're removing food and water is the way that you're removing the ability to keep living. Yeah, but I think this is one area where it seems kind of straightforward, but then if you think about people who have been in a coma for thirty days or something like that and so you know it's not that there's really anything wrong with them, I mean they'll come out of it, they expect they'll come out of it, but so you have to be really careful this one? Yeah, I mean, because you you would say, yeah, I say, like, if diagnosed with a terminal condition is different than there was an accident and I'm in a coma. Yeah, right. Although the vegetative, they can usually sort of tell if there's brain function there are a lot of tested. Yeah, so what we're talking about is if you get to a point where he where you're not going to get better, where you have to be artificially fed and watered, yes, and you're not going to get better your brain function. All of the tests say that there is no where information that say, yeah, we'll use that is able that there's no brain function and that your body won't come back that at a certain point, what medical? What part of the medical care is, um, life support is is continuing to feed going to use the word feed and water? Not because I'm trying to be, but that's what that's, what the doc say like, I've heard that before. So when you're saying don't that's, don't keep doing that because I've hit this point where I can't get better. And so, in a way, it is a decision, so if you are in a a state for, uh, three years, or three days depending on the situation that's where describing if there's no chance for you to ever get better you can write down keep me going as long as possible you never know they might be ableto you know star trek being me somewhere cryo freeze me and shoot me into space totally good you khun say feed and water me forever until I get better or die of two hundred years from now or die from some kind of complication yeah um or you can say I'm willing to go that distance for like let's give it a year maybe something will change maybe it'll get better if but this is usually about when when you hit a point where things aren't going to get better and when when you and your her power of attorney and your doctors and the tests get to a point where things aren't going to get better either because occasionally there's a catastrophic something that happens or there is a ongoing chronic illness that is going to keep happening and or not get better or there's a terminal illness and and what you're doing is you're managing quality of life because you because the diagnosis is you can't get better yeah, this isn't like, you know I'm sleeping heavy smell like keep treating me like I'm just sleeping just asleep right like this is this is like don't when when? When you get to the wayward there there really isn't anything left to do we're moving food and water is is removing the ability for you to stay alive yeah that's that's what? Well, it's also removing the ability to suffer exactly go so when we get when we get to that we can you know there's also things about um being comfortable um and and nobody generally we're all here is good people trying to do the right thing right? Let's just go with that is yeah generally were good people right? And one of the things that you can do is is make sure that people are as comfortable as possible and you can also say yeah, I want to be as comfortable as possible I do I d'oh I like I mean I won't wear comfortable shoes like I always say yeah, yeah, yeah that's a big yes right, right so that's the that's basically saying and then sometimes if you have a terminal condition that's that's one of those things where it's a diagnosis generally something that you've been dealing with for a long time the cancer's a non terminal condition like that that could be that's that's a gray area you know that could be your I mean you're one hundred forty seven you don't necessarily have a terminal condition except for the fact that you are mortal and human and getting really, really old and you, you've done your your laugh, you know, spins around the sand rabbit. Or you could be you could be brain dead and that's, not a terminal condition. Like if you're a young, healthy person, right? Well, you're in a video that's a terminal condition? Well, you're in it not to get too in values, but like you're in a spot, that is I mean, we could say we're all humans were all in, and we all have a terminal condition, right video, right? I guess to me, I think of that it's like cancer versus bike accident e think that there's things that we there's there's things that we know about, and then there's new things that pop up that may not fit into that cancer category. Let's just put it is things that are more certain and then new things that are less certain. How about that? Yeah. And then, of course, I mean, you want to make sure you're really, really clear about this is his end of life wishes and the's air. A lot of this is a lot of granularity on a situation that may it's hard to that's, hard to provide what's so hard, tio, take that's the that's, the difficulty of those documents because when you're standing in the hospital it's like do we do a feeding tube or don't we do a feeding tube? Well why would you do if eating too well, you know we're going through chemotherapy you're not gonna be able to eat so therefore you know, we need some way to bridge that gap because you may come out on that well that's not on here I don't see that in this and so it's just so hard to fill out a document like this it's like you have to remember the change it too well so there's so many more ways we're learning how to keep people alive well all right you know and there's so many more things we're learning and being able to diagnose and even we talk you know you're saying the's things like well cancer that's in a terminal but it's really not you know? And so I think that's the hard thing is it's science and technology and what we know about those things are changing so much that that's why it's hard you can't pin this down the thing this is a snapshot in time yes document yeah it's like at this very moment this is what I think and we can re evaluate this next year or if I have a diagnosis I can reevaluate this form based on based on the landscape that right and technology yeah jumping a little bit ahead, I was happy to see that you have this thing about experimental because this is one thing my mom was sick for a number of years and almost everything they did for her was experimental, but that was a decision she was able to make for herself, right? But still if she hadn't been you know that would have been a big question like what do you do or how far do you go down that experiment treatment path and off often the cases like with an illness that you're managing and quality of life that you're managing, you're still able to talk and speak for yourself and make decisions and that they're having maybe a little north star that's like remember when everything was great and we weren't so in the weeds about this and that? And and if it comes sometimes it becomes about the information in the data and this test in that test and we're going to do what kind of ping thing and feeding tube and why you're doing this and like there's just so much going there that having a maybe a little picture of what? What that but your feelings are and what the quality of life your your wishes and your values are may or may not be a helpful thing but often like with with an illness like in your mother's case, it sounds like she was able to make choices you know much of the process yeah yeah and often people are able to make their own choice about going to hospice as well at a certain point they're like I don't want to continue doing this stuff I want to take you know, open a curtain one of the bank but I'll take what I say alex yeah, right instead of curtain be yeah, but to your point it is gray and what we're doing this this document is is kind of putting on high boots and mucking through it a little bit not that every answer scenario will be clear but that it can maybe take some of the guesswork away yeah and I think you had mentioned to me earlier that there was, uh a situation where you have been learning more and more about the gray areas of you and my mom died in march but um she was diagnosed in august with lung cancer and it was a pretty precipitous decline um I mean with some peaks and there she got better for a little while but you know it's like you get into the hospital and everything's crazy and you know she could be dead by tomorrow morning and we need to fill out this post form which is physicians order for life sustaining treatment it's do you perform cpr and he put the person on respirator and you do all these other things and fortunately I was I became our caregiver and so I was with her at every step and she was able to communicate we talked every day every hour and so we talked about quality of life and what we're doing and not super explicitly but you know we're best friends right? So we didn't go through this document but we went through this document but then you get to the hospital you've got this stuff all figured out right and then they come back with a test and you're like, well how would you mean what where do we go now? And so all of these things like like the feeding to the tube that I just mentioned it was like she didn't want that but then it's like no mind you're not going to be able to eat if you don't if we don't do this oh well I guess we should probably do that eh? So all of these things that's like no I don't want that keep the water off and don't do this you got a sudden what are your goals in this circumstance and it gets really freaking overcast fast you know that's I was liking this idea about the values statement and letter because I think that might be a way to sort of describe here's what my what I would like my future to be here here's how I envisioned my end of life to be and so even though I've spelled out as much as I can and it's not covered by this you know what my general outlook is instead and I was very fortunate to be able to have that I'm an only child too so I mean everyone says a lot about that has been hard to go through you're right it was a lot of burden but I also didn't have the burden of a sister and a brother going well I think we should do this or I think we have to do that yeah it was her and I walking this path together but man when you get into that situation there's nothing clear about it there's nothing that all great where it was there anything from a living will dock or from things that weren't in the living will dock that made made some things easier or more clear um conversations that we had been shooting up in the ice you twice she crashed shed media stein all mass on her her trachea so was his crushing off her windpipe and so she got pneumonia and that's insult injury and then you know, kick in the teeth and so when she was unconscious the things in the living will of do you want or the post form the do you want to see pop by pap et cetera that gave me clarity in that moment because we had reviewed those documents when she was diagnosed and she was there was one of saying that's like it was hard to have the discussion rage and want to talk about it because she was going to fight it and we actually kind of soldiered forth and that document helped me when she was unconscious and it's like she isn't going to come back unless we do the bypass and so I said do the buy pap if nothing well, it'll give her a chance to say goodbye and I get a chance to say goodbye so she was awake for another couple of days and we kept it on there like, you know, this isn't going to get better, so do you want to remove it? And she and I talked about it because she had it and we were able to talk about it then we removed it together and she died, but but do you do you give that treatment? I don't know, it depends, right, right? But I mean that that point you're deciding I was just saying that you want to say goodbye, right? Or do I want to say goodbye or knew the answer you want? But you know they mean it right and my thinking for myself or yeah or for yeah, right, and the hospital support team was fabulous, but it was because we had the post form, which is sort of a very clinical form that's shorter than this, but we had that we had reviewed that had we not done that, that would suck. I mean, that would suck bar. Yeah, but I mean that's why these documents are so important, but it's so I mean, even having them, you have to be ready for some really not so easy times. So I guess the point is, when you think about you doing it for someone else, you want to have a cz much information is possible drug it is easy for them to figure out what you would have when you're filling this out. It's like, look, this is what I want and you're giving them permission to do it. Yeah, you have to put yourself in their shoes because I don't know what to do tell me what to do oh that's, right? You're unconscious, right? Well, it's interesting you say that because you had the form and you had conversations and you were informed and there were still moments where you didn't know what to dio yeah, absolutely and you go off your gut. But if you don't have it leased this, you are oh, most right, and I'm not that reminds me of what what you were saying earlier chanel but you it was very black and white, so you and yet it was still so hard. Yeah, yeah. And that if there had been a hint of gray, you're not sure if you would have been ableto it was it was really hard, like, enact in force to do it. Tio to approve yeah, andi, you have toe, like, say it, you have to formalize it. Um and still the level of a magical thinking ability was greater than I would have imagined for my practical self, you know, like, really it was, um, it it was, um, all of the feelings that we have about stuff, you know, even all the old stuff that comes up um, all of, like, the worry and stress and fear that we have just it it's just like the one little thing that everything just gushes through and so it was it was a hard thing to dio um, and I was surprised at how how black and white the situation was and still the level of of squishy in a pretty unscrew she area you're pretty good because you hear way dio because it's feeling so yeah, yeah? Or then there's um, I mean, in my situation and the one that you're describing there wasn't chaos, there wasn't disagreement, there were no court battles, right? Like sometimes sometimes it's not black and white and sometimes you don't have a living will or or you don't you don't agree or you don't know so even a letter I mean a letter that you mentioned writing or somebody could write it may not be the decision tree with every single variable outlined but in some ways a letter like the spirit of your wishes wishes can also be very instructional as well right yeah it helped fill in the gaps where there was no exact yes or no answer is so is that something that you would consider writing because many people included a letter well either doctor a letter to the person who's their medical power of attorney yeah I just noticed that you had this value statement and letter on here and I thought you know that would actually be kind of good about describing here's my goals and you know how I would like to see my end of life if it wasn't just you know I went in my sleep somewhere or in some massive accident where I was truly gone gone what would the things how what I envision that yeah you know ending being right yeah I think that's the most important thing for me personally is that was I feel most is suffering and not being able to communicate that to somebody else so having that it's like kind of most important thing I think it's a fascinating area I mean I I'm just all over the place right? Oh just I mean it's personal stuff I don't know I was thinking if female in pregnant you know what what would I do and then I was like keep me right and I was like what thieves baby weigh them and then who's the baby going to go to you know it was like I just like flipping around in my mind that now you've got a split back that way keep uh it checks to the rabbit hole right sort of a little bit like that and the other one that's catching me up is this idea of medical technology and how quickly it's advancing and I appreciated that can impair police many friends are my I have friends in this world making great advances right and so it you know I first put sixty days right that's enough to torture my friends and family kind of letting me sit there and I was like eight weeks well what if you know sixteen weeks later something a new stem cell it sure that re grows your spinal cord is announced and then you gotta go through the approval of the way technology is like a cyborg technology wait really annoyed with you think this is really important because one thing you had said earlier about medicine being able to keep us alive much longer that's a really important thing to think about and that's going to just you know medicine is going to get better and better that way so it's these questions become even more important because they can keep you alive for years and when normally ten years ago twenty years ago you would have passed away let alone one hundred years ago so it's just the advances in medicine are getting is getting better and faster so it's it is gets more these questions get more and more important as medicine gets better and better it's true and the thing that I would remember or just just put also on the simmer pot on the front of the stove with the medicine is that there those are two sets of things to think about one is all of the external factors and then one is your wishes and your internal factors right so I think being clear about what you want and what quality life means to you and your letter is a good thing and when you're solid there all the other things they're going to spin around that may or may not happen you have you have a little bit more of an anchor to be making those decisions right decision I mean started what yeah that I mean this this questionnaire in this sort of prep me for it you know like what was acceptable or not acceptable to me right because to me that's sort of drives this stuff because things may be different five years from now exactly the treatments or the options may be totally different, but if what I say is that as long as I can read books I want to be alive that changes right? But it's still my wish so so the wish doesn't change exactly the technology will interesting the way I do that might change maybe I maybe I'm ok with locked in, you know, maybe I'm ok with the diving bell as long as I can read dostoyevsky every year for forty more years and not this thing that comes up for me. A lot of members communicate right? But maybe that would be okay like maybe just intake would be enough for me, you know, I will read every book on the planet, and I would consider that a worthwhile reason to stay alive, even if I couldn't share with anyone what I learned, I don't know, I mean, I'm just free associating discussion this's the scary thing is just not being able to communicate if you're suffering or not, you know? Yeah that's a big factor is, well, there's so many scary books and movies about that, right? Well, I'm suffering is one to like there's there's ah uh comfort care to control distress or suffering so comfort care is often a phrase used for alleviation of of pain and suffering and not necessarily medical improving your medical situation right and so that's your whatever yeah not treating to cure rather yes obama morphine trip instead of that often is is I mean there's a million docks out there, different hospitals and all of these things and people will reinterpret this but comfort care is is often a word used to associate of switching from medical improvement to making you comfortable emotional improvement too emotional and make sure I think suffering is a big thing on a lot of people's mind is you you don't want anyone to suffer if you're laying there and you can read, discuss key or you can hear an audio book but you're in a lot of pain yes then those air you don't want to be in pain I had noted I'd rather have high quality and short time than long time in low quality definitely that's just me that most people that I don't know you know and I was saying, my dad wants it to be stretched out as long as possible with you do everything everything lost mermaid blood, the whole nine yards forever interesting well, it's great, I mean you and you know that yeah, which you're so dad dad's always said do everything possible so keep it going keep it going yeah bringing the unicorns call the ufo's I mean anything's possible I mean I'm not saying uniforms enough your clothes are you know, things change you know if you're clear about everything possible so this is an interesting thing to a similar on b check check check check and or see circle a couple of things for further thinking for exploration and or talking about with with those people that you care about and the same thing is the the reasons why we've talked about earlier that people don't do this is often because we don't know where to start we don't know how to do it we're not ready to make big decisions yet um it's not fun it's kind of a class you know in high school you know right well I mean the middle school we took home ac right I learned how to bake cookies I learned to solve things like you know they don't they probably don't you can't play dodge ball anymore what? Well no no concussion alright yeah but here is what this is similar to will's what we have here is is is the questionnaire for you to include as much or as little information as you want in your living will there are a lot of questions here um that many people don't include sometimes the basic ones really are just I do or do not want hydration I do or do not want um food and water there's a lot of additional information that could be instructive and then also, you know still gray um and then also conversations toe have with your loved ones with your family uh with the person who's going to be here medical power of attorney sometimes you know, your situation depends too if you have young kids if, um you may or may not want a certain outcome based on on whether there's kids in the picture or not right or if you have aging parents that you're taking care of or, you know, there's there's all sorts of different ways that your scenario I'm really informs what your wishes might be not just for you but for those closest to you as well. I immediately jumped to the financial issue mentioned mentioned earlier I basically think none of this matters if I'm in a bankrupt my friends and family I don't wantto being corrupt those I love to hang on so I can read dostoyevsky with one eye but I don't want that wait but you know, cost comes into it for me even some of this you know, some of this stuff it's like we it's a gamble and do I really want to gamble someone's life savings or or you know often woods that health care costs somehow improve in this country but yeah, because you know your friends and family but also for use but it's just a huge seems like a big waste, right? Well, many many people will mean the medical cost of medical care is a huge conversation and it is very, very expensive currently I mean end of life care is astronomical we see much less on your whole life and then we get to the end of life and all of a sudden things go ca bonkers because we can keep people alive over longer hurt they spend more in the last five weeks of your life then you did all of the other ones combined. Yeah it's true end of life care is very, very expensive and it sort of magic oh yeah, yeah. So having these conversations is important um there's all other kinds of lovers you can pull so you don't bankrupt your family and their life savings, right? Um your health care insurance, your life insurance you know, sometimes you've been polmoney and different kinds out to be able to fund while you're still alive but needing support there's disability insurance, there's all these other things you can do and then there's also when we start talking about money um having an emergency fund so while someone's trying to we just ask you to you for the eight weeks that you specify way but you have emergency fund so you can you can shoulder these things and ride them out when things get when things get rockier because it's not black and white and so many people would have I mean we get very squirmy talking about money anyway but then talking about how money and medical care and decisions that way don't want in our own brains we don't separate them when we think about them but they're all separate buckets that if we can kind of put him spread em all out on the table and figure out how we can make the best plan possible than then we don't have to be like you know it it becomes less scary and more just safety nut bigger thicker, whiter think this would be a good thing for people like families to talk about together right? You know yeah not just on your own but you know, sit down into your immediate family and kind of I think it's interesting that when I was younger I was a lot more defined about this or cavalier perhaps is a better word because I told you I had to do that medical pio et on and essentially make these decisions and I remember very clearly like no no no like I was basically deion ordering myself um would I do that today? Maybe not because I'm older now clinging to life town everything might also window because it was a specific situation right? And you kind of were so you hand the parameter parameters and it's like wide open you don't know if you don't know what's going to cause it that's a good point yeah so is this something that you guys would say you can't eat turkey until we talk about this way it will be topic of conversation that this government walked through the door tonight and it's going to be so what you learned today oh here we go okay first thing is baby I love you I love you so look I got you here everywhere right? So my family uh british repressed do not discuss so it'll it'll be interesting not easy you know people are not discussed at all it sounds like your dad's we got a nail sound way no idea what my parents would want to talk about this all the time she had no idea what your parents would want not a clue uh yeah hard yeah they want even the first do you know if they have any of their paperwork in order I highly got it watching possibly the interesting thing about me is that you you can be prepared just like you. My family has talked about this my whole life I think I knew my parents wanted when I was six years old but it doesn't always just because you have the paperwork in order and you've talked it out when it gets when it actually comes like we've been talking about it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be easy or smooth or any of those things but like you're saying the more prepared you are the easier it it will be I think not none of us are pretending that this isn't a like when when we're talking about end of life choices there isn't a lot of sadness associate with that we're talking about los talking about missing people are talking about feelings so we're not pretending that it's like everything's fine now that you've got a list of something right like you know but if we may not have all the answers but we have some of them a guide book right we may not have um clear clear instructions on how and when we're going to make that decision but you know who gets to make the decision so what we're doing in my in my situation there was way more noise than there needed to be so there's no if then or spray bottle open but we're removing a lot of the ways in which this khun get uglier and hopefully making more opportunity for it to be more peaceful and more loving and more about what you want rather than what everybody else is wacky emotional grief things are because that happens right there one gets an opinion real quick like I mean everyone has an opinion about lunch much less life what's important and then when people are disagreeing so I mean maybe you and your dad aren't the first person like you khun know what he wants but are you going to do what he wants and the same for you so just knowing that in talking to your family about it you can um talk about it over thanksgiving in coming away as important thing for this your your values and what's important to you is really a lot about gratitude and if we're talking about you know, gathering people around the holidays and getting ready for a new year like what is it important when you get people together and what are those things that you're wanting the most and grateful for and when that being a nice conversation that have you know and and you could even start there you have to wave a paper hey everyone I made custom placemats it's a copy of my living will pass me the truth you just six get over the part where I attacked this thing that here and I hired is like a giant table nutrition part doesn't apply to yeah relying the place for your name is highlighted right? So you know we wantto we wanna have it in a meaningful way but we don't necessarily want it like you know start with the paper or you can or you can avoid a conversation if you must but then you have the paper and somebody else and a letter to them or something there's a lot of different ways the other thing is you know, like talking about technology advances having a having a living will is is lovely and necessary in a legal document that's important for your tool kit but you can also quite easily leave little videos of yourself right? Like you can talk about what's important so writing is paying you khun you can I mean a video of yourself may or may not be a legally binding document, but you can have something to share with somebody and it's a video letter instead of ah letter letter that that can also be helpful, right? One other thing would just kind of consider if you think people are um I don't want to talk about it it could also be that they actually don't mind, but they're afraid talking to you about it to an so if one of you starts the conversation, the conversation will happen, but if you're both worried about talking to each other, it might not ever happen, so at least make the make the start. Yeah, and see before you just decide that oh, they don't want to talk about it, they don't want it do anything about it that's a great point not assume that somebody else won't unless you now and sometimes they don't want to unless you start first and they're like, oh, thank god you finally brought this up I thought you didn't want to tell you about waiting for the other person never goes anywhere right right, well, so let me just say that there are a lot of different little homered pieces check the ones on that you know, circle the ones that you want to think about but everything here is what those into your living will document and same is your will we write it up, you get it formalized and then you have something and that this this document is meant for someone to speak for you if you cannot it's not meant to be so you can change it you can change your mind you can review it you can update it um but this is a backup if you can't speak for yourself so it doesn't mean that everything in here is here forever you can change it as long as you are able to change it. Yeah, I was wondering do we have a another deep breath slide about legacy? And we're gonna one of the things that I think about what legacy is I like to think about art and what I'd like to have around me so let's have a deep cleansing breath on this beautiful image and I want you to look at a couple more beautiful things, okay? Sculpture, sculptures beautiful these these air earns and I love the fact that the way we're talking about life and death is that it can be surrounded by beauty all of it in fact, your memorial can be beautiful and unusual and unique. In fact, you can have little pieces of memorial around you wherever you are. However, you like as personal as you want them to be. And so, um, the funeral and life and death industry and hospice and right to life and right and there's one hundred different ways that you can make this about you and what you want. Um, this story, I think, is beautiful. This is a woman who is wearing a piece of a tail light that a friend had sand it down and softened and turned into a piece of art to remember her brother, who had died in an accident. That there are ways that it can be a beautiful personal experience where we can stay connected and make it about us and what we want.