Conversational and Compelling Editing Techniques
Now, how to edit your proposal to make it conversational and compelling. So, show your readers everything, tell them nothing. So this is an interesting quote and it's something that we do in screenwriting a lot. It's anytime you can show and not tell, it's always stronger. This goes for all writing. Now, obviously we need to write, so that's confusing. But what it means is, is there some way that you can visually depict, or even write in a more visual way that makes it more exciting and feels like the person is placed in this world. As opposed to just saying a blanket statement like, "You didn't sell any books." Instead, I might bring that person back to that place where they felt so much horror and whatever they shared with me. It's visually I want to bring them back so that they channel that and go, "Yeah, I don't want to feel that way again." And then paint a picture of somewhere that they want to be. Paint a picture of what that could look like. So, we're gonna go through some comp...
elling word choices here. And we'll see if anybody wants to play. Basically we're just going to do two different examples of some compelling word choices. So I just want to get us used to thinking. Don't be stressed that we're going to all play with this. But I just want you to get used to thinking about other ways to say things that may be very common in proposals. And don't worry if it's perfect or if you're like, "I don't know." Or even if you're playing or toying with something in your mind, express it. So the first one is what's a better way to say, "We are committed to."? I see that phrase in every proposal. We are committed to. And you don't want to do that because everyone says that. That doesn't stand out. So I might say something like, "We eat, sleep, & breathe web design "and will stop at nothing until you're head-over-heels "for your site (even if we run out of coffee!)" Now I don't expect all the examples from the group to be all that thought out 'cause I worked on that to be fair. But let's just brainstorm as a group. What are some other ways you can say, "We are committed to."? Does anybody want to-- Go ahead.
You could say, "We major in."
Whatever it is that you're--
Thank you. Major in. I like major 'cause that's a much stronger word than committed. Committed sounds so flat. But major has more power behind it. Does anybody else wanna try one? We could flip to the next slide if you want to try a different one. Anybody else? Going once, going twice. (laughing) (groaning) World class. (laughing) This one punches me in the gut. I hate this term. But I can't tell you how many times I see this, world class. Think of me like a hipper, cooler, word fairy godmother, sprinkling magic dust all over your copy. That's what I consider myself, right. I'm not going to say, "I'm world class." I can't even say that right, I trip over it. So that really means I shouldn't say it. So what's another way to say you're the best at something, or you're awesome at something. Does anybody wanna give it a go?
The words high-octane come to mind.
Oh, I like that. That's a really good visual word. That makes me think of The Fast & The Furious. (laughing)
A high-octane vehicle is world class you'd think. If it's actually performing--
But it's a better word.
But it's way better. And using it for a non-vehicle, non-automotive industry too. I think in the automotive industry you hear that a lot. You hear high-octane so it might not be as exciting. But if you do systems for business and you're like, "My high-octane systems." I'm excited. I hear epic music pumping behind this offer.