Lock it Up
Lock it up is the key here. It's just easier if it's their solution. If you did all the work that we just talked about up front, they're gonna be with you, bought in, it's their solution. Locking up, you're just helping them refine it and get clear. If you push the solution on them, they might feel really hesitant. Sometimes, there is something you have to have them do that is non-negotiable. In that case, what I would say is, try to work on the emotional resonance and engagement. Try to help them find the part of themselves that can be engaged or take responsibility or be connected to it, even if you can't change what has to be done. That's a little bit of an art. Each person has different values, different things that are important. This goes back to tailoring your message to the audience. What do they care about? This is like if you want a little kid sometimes to wear their jacket, you can say how warm it's gonna make them if they care about being warm. You know they hate being cold...
. Or if someone really likes bright colors, you can be like, 'you get to wear your bright, special purple jacket today'. Awesome! What works with kids works with adults, you just need to be a little more sophisticated with that. What about this thing can they connect to that is exciting on some level? The thing you have to have 'em do, it might be a three out of ten on the excitement scale, instead of a nine out of ten. Not everything has to be a nine out of ten. You can take it from a zero or a one to a three sometimes, and even that's better. Sometimes you can also ask them, since this is what we have to do, what could we do to make this more enjoyable for you? Sometimes you could, if you're really on the same team, it's something you know you're asking them to do that they hate and you know it kinda sucks too maybe. Maybe you're like, let's do like a 'order food in' night or order lunch in or get donuts in the morning, right? I'm more of a healthy guy, so donuts would actually be punishment for me. For others, that might be good or maybe a protein scramble for me, whatever it is. You can make it fun. Bring in some joy in the process if you can. Don't let it drag. Don't let them push the commitment out too far. It should be actionable. Even if you have to break it in pieces, it's a big thing they need to shift. What can we do today, tomorrow, this week, next week that are the small steps? Incremental improvement is much easier than big changes. If you want someone to be a meditator, don't say, 'let's try sitting for an hour a day for a month'. Oof, first step, download Head Space app or whatever, download an app. Second step, buy meditation cushion on Amazon, ship to house prime. Step three, meditate, open the app (chuckles). Step four, meditate for five minutes one time and then you're gonna check in after that first period. You can break it into pieces. Help them do that. Make them write it down, make them own it. That leads us to recording your commitments. Where are you writing this down? Is it in a shared one-on-one doc? Are you putting it in a calendar? Key here is this will help you help them be accountable and if they're not doing it and you have to something like a performance improvement plan or fire someone, then you have things documented. God forbid, that's not our goal, is to fire people at all. We want them to do well, I'm sure. It's a best practice to record it and make them write it down. Sometimes when someone doesn't write it down well, you have to coach them on that and that becomes an errand, right? Part of the reason they might not be following through on things is because they're sloppy in writing down their to-do's. You might have to coach on that. They have to own it. Great, so Diane, will you play with me one more time?
Yes, thank you. Let's stay with your solution around hanging around with the squad and getting coffee. Let's go a little deeper, we're gonna lock it up and see what that looks like. How many of your co-workers do you think are really key to your experience that you really wanna focus on?
Three, three co-workers. What are their names?
It's Mary, John, and Paul.
Very biblical, I like it, yes. (audience laughing) We're a Christian (laughs) company of some kind. Great, so Mary, Paul, and John. Is there any order you wanna focus on them in?
Mary first. When could you and Mary go out for coffee you think?
I could probably do it this week as long as there was coverage on the floor.
Okay great, so this week if there's coverage on the floor. What do we need to do next to make them happen? What are your next steps for figuring this out for you and Mary?
I need to look at the schedule to make sure that we're both working on the same day and then carve out an hour or the 15, whichever my manager says I can have with her.
And then invite Mary.
See if the time works for her.
Hopefully, she says yes. (laughing) And then we can go and maybe grab a coffee.
Perfect. So it's Monday. What I'd love then from that is, can you write down what you just wrote out of what you're gonna do in our shared one-on-one doc? Perfect. What I'd like then is to do a check-in tomorrow at lunch, you and I, on those pieces, that you've looked at the calendar, that you've confirmed with your manager if it's 15 minutes or an hour, but somewhere between that you can take, and that you've sent the note to Mary to ask her if she's open to it and if she has time this week. Those three things by lunchtime tomorrow, does that sound realistic?
Okay, that sounds great. Anything after that that we need to do as a follow-up, more than repeating that for Paul and Joseph, or John you said actually I think?
Maybe if it goes well, we can make it a continual thing so it stays fresh and I enjoy going to work more 'cause I'll have bonded with them all.
Great, so will you commit to asking them during the first coffee if they're open to making it recurring?
Awesome. Will you put in our one-on-one agenda for next week's Monday meeting to check in on how that conversation with each of them went and if they're gonna become recurring? And I'd also like to debrief how did it go? Did it actually help you get more rapport? If it's going well, we can lock that in or if it's not, we can figure out what else we could do next. How's that sound?
Great, alright, I'll see you tomorrow at lunch and next Monday as well to check in on those.
Awesome. I know it sounds almost like, can we give a little round of applause for Diane? She saved all your butts. (audience laughing) She saved every one of your butts in here. You at home too, I couldn't pull you in. You can see it becomes a little bit, it can feel almost nitpicky. That's where eloquence really matters. I'm staying super connected. I'm trying to talk to her without any condescension. I'm try to stay really friendly and really respectful. I'm letting her lead each time, what could we do? I'm maybe suggesting a little bit but all I'm doing is I'm holding the capital A agenda is what we call it of what we need to accomplish, which is what's gonna actually drive a behavior change? How are we gonna make sure that we stay on top of it and that it actually happens? I don't necessarily care about the process but I am holding the intention of that's what we do. Any questions about that last piece of Lock it up or the overall feedback structure? Or any feedback on the feedback structure? What I'm looking for is maybe does it feel doable? Is there any part that's confusing? Is there one part for you that feels like that's gonna be the hardest part that you need to focus on? Any of those thoughts? Yeah.
I guess my only question is it feels very structured and sometimes that can make it not genuine when you're talking to someone because you have prepared all these different sections that you wanna talk to and you'll be like this is my impact, this is my pattern. How do you make it not not sound like it's prepared but more genuine I guess is the question?
How do we make it feel more genuine, less prepared? I want you to think about the structure as anchor points that you can remember, where are we now and where do we need to get to? What are our transition points? So that you can play inside of it more and be really personable and not rush things 'cause you know where you're going. I will say this. The start strong, that's okay to be a little more prepared 'cause you need to be clear and you need to be direct and that can be really hard to start it off. The best way to not make it feel as structured and prepared, let your intention be from the heart. Think about what are the key points of your intention but don't read your intention. We talked about in the structure this idea of context pattern have to be very clear and specific, like a camera. Intention can be a little more on the fly. Have the things you wanna say but let it come from your heart, let it be really human. Remember, you're letting them talk. When we get to let them explain, you actually don't know what they're gonna say. It could go any way. All we wanna do is make sure we keep it focused on the reasons and that we're trying to uncover the reasons so that then we can go into what are we gonna do about it? Again, that's fairly creative. We're dynamic, what you know about them or what's going on, that's helping you figure out what you're gonna do. The last part, the only structure there is making sure you get it locked in and documented so you feel really clear about expectations going forward. I would think about it as these are these little points where we can get to the new stage and then it opens up again. We bring it back down to focus and then it opens up again. That's gonna be the best way to do it. To put a little air into what you're saying, keep it really human. Any other thoughts about how we can make this more human or how you've made feedback really human? And not so structured.
It's the same if you're doing public speaking, just thinking about it in your head of what you're gonna say and then similarly, once you go through these anchor points enough times, you kind of, just practice makes perfect.
Absolutely. Trust the process I think is what I would say there. Trust that if you go through the process, it will become integrated in you. You'll feel it more than have to think it. Has anyone heard of the ladder of competence? You start with unconscious incompetence. I'm not aware that I'm bad at something. Then you come to class with Cory and he says, wow, you're not doing these things right and you're conscious of your incompetence. Ooh, I'm not perfect at this. Uncomfortable. Then I give you some tools and now you have conscious competence. If I apply these tools or these frameworks, I can be good but it takes me thinking about them. It's a little wooden. Then if we keep practicing, we get into unconscious competence. I'm doing it on auto-pilot, it's just part of me. If anyone's ever learned to drive stick shift, at first when you drive it, it's like okay clutch, gas, and then car lurches forward, and by the end, you're eating a sandwich, drinking, talking on the phone, and on a hill. You don't even realize how you got there. That's the ladder we're on. Trust that ladder. Okay, so on the structure, structure is confidence. Let the structure in, don't fight it because it'll give you more confidence and then you can be more you versus in your own head. Confidence is flow. When you're confident, that's when you can be eloquent. You can be where, like we talked about in the last class, zones of listening, self, tunnel, global. We can be in that global listening 'cause we're in confidence. We're not worried in our mind, we're present. And last, this is really for you. Trust yourself. The words will come. In fact, sometimes the anxiety about the words not coming is what makes them not come 'cause you're thinking what am I gonna say? What am I gonna say? What am I gonna say? Instead of just letting it come through you and letting that not blocking, it's huge. This is what I was saying, I wanna invite you over and get you to feel your personal eloquence today.