A Reality Check
If you take a look at that, that list of yours in that brain drain, and again, for the people in the audience here, you have written your top five, but if you're joining us online, you know, my expectation of you is that you've fully completed that list and everything about yourself that you're tolerating, putting up with, in denial about, avoiding, pretending, should be in that brain drain, okay. So, the next step, you guys, is what I call your reality check. So, we're gonna take a little look through those items and the issues that you wrote down and we're gonna identify one of those items that if you were to take that item on and transform that area of your life, it would demonstrate a very real and significant step for you in the quality of your life. Alright, now, here's the deal with that, whatever item you take on, you ought to take it on like it doesn't survive this course. You've really gotta take it on like that, like that's not gonna make it out of this. I'm gonna deal with ...
this item once and for all, and I know that's not how we relate to some of the things that are going on with ourselves, we feel as if it's like a work-in-progress, or something I need to do over a long period of time, you can intervene the quality of your life right now, right now, and in fact, that's where that intervention actually happens, it happens in a right now moment of your life. So, there was a quote from Seneca That goes, "If you really want to escape "the things that harass you, "what you're needing is not to be in a different place, "but to be a different person." Seneca was a stoic philosopher from a couple of thousand years ago. I think he was on to something. Now, you become that different person by dealing with those items one by one, and again, it's the one you want it, that you think will have the biggest impact on you and your life. You wanna take on the notion that you're building a new you. There's a new you arising and the building of that new you never ends in many respects, so that is, you're constantly evolving and then you die. The intention is that you remain exhausted, yet unfinished at the end. Like you die exhausted, and you gave this everything that you had, and yet, some potential you, remained unfinished. It's not about finishing the game, it's about playing it. Being the greatest and most expressive you that you can be. Now, figuring out where you should start is often a personal question for yourself. It's not something I can answer for you or anyone else can answer for you, but you don't wanna spend too much time on it either. Many of you spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Where are my figure-outers? Alright. Yeah, I swear I'm gonna do it. I just haven't figured it out yet. (laughter) So you live your life in a constant state of figuring it out. For some people, straightening something out, their life, that effects their work ethic or their career would be the most satisfying. Like, if I really took on that area of my life, I've been tolerating not asking for the raise and being a chicken at work, or I've been tolerating, I've been saying I'm gonna start this business, but I'm just not doing it. That might be the most satisfying for you, and even if you took something like that on, the knock-on effect of that would even impact other areas of your life, right, if you were successful in that area of your life. Others might find value in reshaping who you are in some of your relationships or a relationship. Whether it's dealing with a rocky marriage or building a deeper connection with friends or family or just going on more dates, those improvements will carry on into other areas of your life. I mean, if you looked at your brain drain right now, if you imagine, just take a look at that list, right, what if you flipped one of those, like it was never the same. You were never the same in that area of your life, and imagine for yourself the difference that would make for you, and often that's how it is for people. Once, you realize that you can shift something that you thought was unshiftable, then it has a pretty remarkable mark-on effect, 'cause it's a little like getting tattoos, it's kinda addictive, or having babies. Once you have one, you just, the things keep comin'. (laughter) I've got three kids, I know what I'm talkin' about. (laughter) My poor wife. Alright, so ... When you look at each entry on that list, and you can front the reality of what you're doing and love your life in that area, and then identify the one that you are saying will not survive this process. This is not ... Making it out alive. In fact, you'll be the one making it out alive. Now, for some of you, might think this will be easy. There'll be a problem that just jumps off the page at you, they're like that, right there, has gotta go. For others, it might take some thinking. Alright, you'll need to, you'll need to really give this some thought, but once you've settled on it, right, you really need to settle on it, 'cause that's what's gotta go in that reality check page, okay, so ... Your reality check, you guys, (clears throat), I was pretty proud of myself for this little page here. I gave this a lot of thinking. So, it's one of those things that when I read, It's hard to believe that I had written it. (laughter) That's pretty good, I quite like that. Alright, so I say there, "Consider there are two worlds in which you live your life." So, there's two worlds in which you live your life. One of the worlds is a world of experience. So, there's the experience of being you. Which is made up of your thoughts, your emotions, sensations, like that. Okay, you have a physiological experience of being you. Well, the other world that you live your life in is the world of actions. The confusing is, thing is we think they're both the same. We think like how we feel in what we do are in some kind of room together, right? So ... The world of actions is just constituted by what you do in life. So, when you tell your partner, "I don't wanna talk about it," that's what you do, and then, there's an experience that you're having at the same time, right, often just before too. You say, "I don't wanna talk about it," so, but there are two different paradigms, which one do you think is impacting the quality of your life? Give me a, just show it out from your chair which one do you think, your actions that are actually impacting the quality of your life. The problem is, you're using your experience as some kind of guide for that, which isn't always the best 'cause your experience of yourself can swing wildly from one place to the next, you know, like people often say this, "You know, I just, I wanna feel different." You can feel different with a slice of pepperoni pizza or a martini, totally feel different. It's like a new me! But what changes your life is what you do, not what you feel, and if you actually started to use that more, you would see that you would feel different too, but you gotta get the right one in place. It's not about how you feel. So, all of the items in your brain drain are from the world of experience. So, everything you've written there, is from the world of experience. What you have to do now to confront your reality, is what would it take to turn what you've written there, or an item that you've written there, transform it and turn it into the world of reality, turn it into a world of actions. It's not like your feelings and your experiences aren't important. 'Cause they are. I'm not asking you to turn into a lump of wood. No, it's important to experience and feel things, of course it is, very important, but at the same time, it's a very unstable compass. It's not always a good, it's too irregular. I know some of you love the whole idea of your gut instinct. That's because you have just counted the times that it worked. If you actually counted all the times it doesn't work, you'd be like, "Eh, well, maybe." (laughter) Not so much. I like a good gut instinct as much as anybody, but I'm not always sure that it's reliable. So, each of us live our lives in a massive zone, a massive zone of no reality. One where we're gonna, or we coulda, or we woulda, or we shoulda. The problem is that no reality zone seems totally real. It seems like that's my reality. So, like, if I don't think I'm smart enough and I experience myself as not smart enough, I act accordingly. If I think I'm unlovable, I act accordingly. Welcome into my life, now back off. (laughter) So, how I feel is in fact guiding me to live a life that I don't want, and then I come to some course in San Francisco like this. (laughter) This guy'll do it, like that. So ... A reality check is where you start to get these items down in the dirt for yourself, and you start to deal with what it will actually take from you and sometimes others in your life, for you to level up. So, if you're someone observing this program online right now, you're gonna get to your reality check, and you're gonna pick your item that you're gonna go to work on, and I'm inviting everybody here to do that right now, okay, to start to deal with, "Okay, this is the item that I'm gonna go to work on," and just select your item, and you'll write in there, you'll write it in your reality check, "The item I'm working on is "that I don't think I'm good enough," okay. And then, you would have to look in the reality of your life, like where is this playing out for me? Or I don't think I'm lovable. where is this playing out for me? And then, the point of this reality check is to look at what would I now have to do different? What am I currently doing that's in alignment with this experience of myself, that if I go at it in reality, I would have to now do different. Now, there's a really interesting thing at play here, if you haven't noticed it, I'm gonna tell ya. So ... There's a paradigm shift available in what I'm saying right now, like a different way for you to live your life, and I mean, like, a different way for you to live your life, a way that you don't currently live it. You live your life as an expression of something unnoticed, unseen, some experience you're having of yourself. Your reality is a reflection of your experience. So, you act on your experience of yourself. What if I was to say, "You should define what you're gonna act on "and the experience will follow accordingly." Like, what if I ... Took on acting the way a vulnerable person would act in a relationship, what would I say? What would I do? How many of you have felt, or you do experience it in ways that you are challenged by being vulnerable? Let me see some hands, this is raising my arm. Remember, this is an inflection, like I've got a sore shoulder, this is raising my arm. I've experienced that, like being challenged by being vulnerable, and then, for those of you that are challenged by being vulnerable, you'll notice you've got an explanation for why you keep doing it. I've been hurt before. So, this next relationship's gonna suck based on that person who slept with my best friend when I was 22. So, every relationship from here on in, is toast. So, the thing to get here is, and you have an experience to that, and it was real for you, and it was gut-wrenching and it was painful, and I don't wanna go back there again, therefore, every relationship from this point, should now follow suit, guided by this experience of myself that I'm having. Does that make sense? So, the paradigm shift is when you start to look in your reality, and say, "Well, what's going to change my life and reality?" Not my, and that's where people tend to get really confused in life, and one of the reasons why I got into the personal development industry, like, a lot of people do this work to get more confidence, or to get more vulnerability, or forgiveness or something, and they end up looking for it, rather than dealing with it. So, they buy the confidence book, do the confidence DVD, listen to the confidence podcast, all the while, not doing what they should be doing if they were confident, guided by some, and you'll notice the thing you're working on with yourself, the more you work on it, the worse it gets. "What's wrong with me? "Why does everybody else seem to be able to do it? "I can't seem to do it. "'I love you.' "Yeah, hold on a minute. "I don't know why I can't express myself, "'I love you.' "Hold on a sec. "There's something about my vulnerability, "I can't, oh my god it's annoying. "'I love you.' "Hold on I said!" Like I don't actually act on what might change my life. I don't act on it, I'm more guided by my experience of it and what my experience of myself has been in the past. So ... Who has an item, I'm talking to the right people, I know I am, that we can use as an example and who would be willing to work with me, like this being an item that you'd like to turn around. Who has an item that you'd like to work on with me, that you'd like to turn around? Alright, so this was an item from your brain drain, right?
Right and so what was the item that you chose?
I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy, right?
So you tolerate, this kinda internal sentence, like I'm not worthy?
Right, and you just kinda level with it. Sometimes you try and overcome it or pretend like it's not there.
I'm not saying that like putting words in her mouth. It's kinda how we are as human beings, like we pretend what's something's not going on with us, frankly. Really I'm... Fine. (laughter) Alright, so, but you, your life has been guided by, "I'm not worthy."
Like it's filled with examples of your lack of personal worth. That make sense?
What's some of the things you haven't done that you could've done, should've done, might've done, but didn't do, given that you're not worthy? Give me an example of one of those.
One of the things I would definitely say is in a relationship.
I walk away from relationships.
I avoid them.
You actively avoid relationships?
I actively avoid relationships.
Alright, how many of you have done that, like actively avoided, like, hey, hey, hey, hey? Alright, okay, very good. Yeah, alright, so, and then what's that been like for you living that way?
Lonely, sometimes a bit frustrating.
Yeah, lonely, frustrating. You in a relationship right now?
Of course not. (laughs) Yeah, I mean really, that's just part of your logic.
Yeah and I make up the excuse to deal with it is that I don't have time for anybody else's bullshit.
I don't have time for anybody else's bullshit? How many of you have got that going on? (laughs) How many of you haven't met the right one? Yeah, come here, I haven't met the right one, I know they're out there. There's only one fish in this giant sea for me, seven billion people, just the one for me though. Just the one, one in seven billion. Alright, so, and then ... How long has it been since you had, a relationship that you would say, "Yeah, that was a relationship." How long has it been?
Two years, okay. In what way did, "I'm not worthy" play out in that relationship?
In that relationship, just tolerating things that I know that didn't work.
Like what? Give me an example.
For example, dealing with, you know, the gut instinct, knowing that there was, let's just say he was being untrue,
not being honest. When you met that person, alright, some of you, that you're gonna get really challenged by this. I don't care. I do care, but I want you to really think, okay? When you met that person, what were you overcoming at the beginning of that relationship to be in it? And I mean about them and you, like this connection, there was something about it, didn't, but you were okay with it, "It's fine, no, no we're great, we get along well." What was it at the beginning?
Hmm, when I think about it, I got into it because I was trying to overcome being lonely or being alone.
Right, and then, was there anything about them at the time that you kinda had to just, "Okay, that's fine now." Was there anything about them in the beginning?
Okay, that's good. Everybody, you gotta think. You oughta think right now. What were you overcomin' right at the beginning.
Possibly being understood or the experience of being loved.
So, they were a little disconnected from you did you feel?
Yes ... But at the same time.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, dingy, dingy, ding, ding, ding. What you're about to tell me is how you justified it to yourself at the time (chuckles). Do you get that now? I know you just got that, right?
You're like, "Oh my gosh, I totally did." I know, I did, I did that, I did that. I want you to consider that that person was perfect for, "I'm not worthy." Like, a great selection, prime beef. (laughter) Do you get that?
Like if you look back and you look back at it in the cold light of day, you'll be like, "Oh my gosh, I totally picked you." There was something there, right there, that I was like, "But they're a great per," whatever you told yourself at the time that allowed you to (blows) transcend it, and then, as you got into the relationship, I invite you to consider that that relationship was very much intentional. Like, now I know some of you are like, well, I don't see that or I don't think that's across the board. Look, if you really look, and you really examine, you will see a pattern in your relationships where you get to confirm who you are for yourself, and you get to confirm it, like, there we go. Right, and at the end, the answer to that relationship not working for you is what? It's been the case in all your relationships. The answer is ... I'll just ...
I, like, just deal with it.
Well, it is to a point, but at the end, what do you do?
Right, I'm out.
That's your answer.
Yeah, right and that's an answer you've come up with. That make sense?
Yeah, your answer is, "I'm out." Or you'll tolerate, and tolerate, and tolerate, and tolerate, and tolerate, and tolerate, and tolerate, and separate, and separate, and separate until they're sick enough and they're out, you can go, "See, knew it, not worth it." (laughter)
I did that part.
Yeah. And it's really great when you can start to kinda examine yourself this way, in a really like, holy schneikies. You gotta be able to see it in a way distinct from all of that emotional draw and pull 'cause it's there at the time. How come you ended up with "I'm not worth it or I'm not worthy," like how come you ended up with that?
Just from other work, what I discovered was as a kid my mom and dad, they were never, never around. I had a helper taking care of me and the excuse was, we have to go to work
to take care of you.
Right, and so, you just ended up with, "I'm not worthy. "I'm not worth it"
Good, alright, well ... The reality of "I'm not worth it" is you're alone.
Mhmm. You have the life of "I'm not worth it," and whatever it is you're overcoming about yourself, you have that life. So, what's it gonna take for you to finally take this on? And here's what you gotta avoid, I know some of you are already thinking this, "love yourself." (laughter) No! That's more of the same shit. That's you going to work on the thing exacerbating the thing, scratching the thing, working on the thing, and giving the thing life. That's how it works. "I'm not worth it," is like a mosquito bite and your answer to it is scratch it. I'll just scratch this thing and it keeps you in the cycle of like, same, same, same, same, and what you're in the presence of right now is the impact of all of this, where you've gotten yourself, and I know some of you are throwing your mom and dad under the bus right now. (laughter) You sucky parents! Look, she's not 10 anymore. You gotta start owning your bullshit. You gotta start takin' it on. You gotta start being like, "Look what I've done in myself." "What have I done to myself?" You can spend the rest of your life, by the way, blaming your childhood, blaming your parents, blaming, you know, somebody who abused you, beat you, hurt you. You can spend your life doing that, but all it does is have you do courses like this all the time. (laughter) I'm not kidding, I want you to stop doing courses. You oughta intervene in the quality of your life. You gotta intervene with yourselves. What am I doing to myself? Not, what are they doing to me? It's like what am I doing with what they did? What did I do with that? Well, here's what I made up. I had been in relationships will never work for me. There's a stone cold reality to it. I mean the answer might be simple at one, I need to actually start getting serious of being in a relationship with people, and we're not getting, in one I'm in. There's no ... You're drifting apart from me. This is only Donkey Kong. See, you're too, you reach for the exit door way too fast. You're like, "If I," gone. You're not all in. See, but some of you think you got in a relationship with an asshole, here's the news, so did they. (laughter) Really. They got in a relationship with somebody who doubts love and finds evidence for its validity or its lack of validity, and points to it, "Oh you're angry with me? "Oh, clearly, you don't love me." Maybe they're pissed at you because they do. You're not into this as much as I am. So what? It's your life. You don't love me as much as I love you? So, what? Neither does your cat. (laughter) Cat's just there for the food. Doesn't give a shit for you. Some of you are, like, so offended right now. What? Turn this course off! (laughter) How dare you talk about Mittens like that. Loves me with all his kitty little heart, no he does not. He's there to use your kitchen like a bathroom. (laughter) You know it, what were you thinking putting that in there anyway? Some of you are just light-bulbing off there, why did I do that? Why did I put the cat litter in the kitchen? That's absurd. Alright ... So what's one of the, one of the actions you're gonna have to start interrupting, in there's no reality's of "I'm not worth it and I'm not worthy?"
Well, the first one is getting clear for myself, in fact, I know I am. I am worthy, just getting that clear.
Well, you are gonna need to say you are.
Yeah, I am, I am worthy and inside of that, and it's like, I just cringe thinking about it, really taking the action on dating.
Come on, I mean really, I mean you can't, "Yeah, I'm so alone, I don't go out." (laughter) Text some people. "How you doing? "Wanna go for a cup of tea?" So, those would be the beginnings of some actions where you would start to intervene with that reality that you've created from an experience of yourself. You guys getting this? You're seeing how she's created a reality in her life given by some experience of herself. Some of you don't start a business and you've got all this evidence, "Oh, the market's not right, it hasn't quite worked out." It's all bullshit. At the core of it is something about you that you haven't quite dealt with that if you dealt with it, you would see that reality in a whole other kinda light. Does that make sense to you guys? You are driven by what's going on with you internally and the evidence for you internal state is in your external state. Your life is a product of what you've told yourself about yourself. Your job, your body, and then, some of you are like, "Well, I'll tell myself something else." No, just do different shit. (laughter) Really, I think it was Satre that said this, I hope it was Satre, now that I've said that, "To be is to do." One must do, one must interrupt the flow of one's life and what one does. Not in how one feels about what one does, 'cause how one feels about what one does, is all over the shop, it's everywhere. You know, "I'll figure out the golfins, I don't know, then just stand up and talk like you do. What would somebody who's confident do? What would somebody who's being vulnerable or loving do? Here's what else you'll notice in the places of your life that aren't going well, it's all about you. It's all about how you're doing, not how your life is doing. So, you've tolerated loneliness, lack of worth, you've tolerated, you've sat back and indulged it, and racked up hours on Netflix. (laughter) It's like I'm following you around, isn't it?
Oh my gosh. I am busted, Saturday nights, Netflix (laughs).
Saturday night at the movies, myself. Right? You showed my age there, but anyway ... So you want, this is about now starting to confront how your actions have matched that, and if you look at your life and you say, "What is it you want? "What do you want in your life?" Really.
Love and excitement.
Right, and here's the news, you haven't been up for that game.
You've not been up for that game. You've been up for let me find where I'm not worthy, and you are a champion at that game, you are awesome, you're an Olympic gold medalist. You are the world champion of "I'm not worthy," and if you took on being the world champion at love and excitement, you would have that in your life because you would make it your business. You would make it your business. You were talking about money earlier on, you're not interested in money, you're interested in paying the bills. People that are interested in the money don't care about the bills, they're too interested in making money. (laughter) Those are a tiny little thing, "What, what bill? "I don't know, pay it." You're focused on something that you don't even know you're focused on. Your attention's on something you don't even know what your attention's on. You gotta get serious about the life you want. You gotta get real about it, a reality check. You gotta break yourself out of the slumber of who you've become and is, my friend, I wish he was my friend, he's long dead anyway, Martin Hyde would've said, "Take a stand for the life you want," and you're gonna have to take a stand for that in the face of something. What do you think you're gonna have to, in the face of what? What do you think you're gonna have to take a stand for? In the face of what? What are you up against? Yourself. It's not about finding the right person, it's about dealing with the one that you are. That's what Seneca said. It's not about, you know, winging your way through Snapchat. This is about you finally saying, "If I want love and excitement in my life, "I gotta make that my business." "I gotta make that, like, this is what I'm about," but not like, you know, desperate to find or do it. Every moment of your life is an opportunity for you to express yourself and to act accordingly, and some of you, you're just, you'll be spending so much time trying to change the experience of being yourself, you forgot to focus on the areas that you need to focus on that bring real change, which is, "What am I doing?" That make sense to you?
Yes it does.
Yeah, and you gotta get, and you gotta deal with the reality of what that would be like for you because, here's the news, what if your reality check, you gotta also bear in mind, the you that's got you here isn't going anywhere. So, you'll have all the same noise, but you gotta keep looking in reality where real people are, like, "Oh, that's a person. "I should probably say something to them, "rather than sit here and make something up." You oughta connect with people from your perspective. You gotta start being a little bit more vulnerable, instead of being determined to prove your point, and you've proved your point, job done. Maybe you should prove a different one, that love and excitement is available to me at anytime in my life. Do you get that? And it really is, I mean, you know, it's just like me to you, you've just bought yourself off with one bullshit line after another, and it's of nonsense, cut it out! Cut it out! Unsubscribe from fucking Netflix. (laughter) You oughta, and the action in your life, you gotta get serious about connecting with somebody that you say you love, and sometimes that person's gonna be an asshole, but there's no backdoor, you're in. People aren't always gonna do things the way you want, and there are times in your life when all of that nonsense gets triggered, and you're either gonna act on that again or you're gonna act on something else, and your reality check is about finally getting clear with yourself as, "What is it I'm gonna do? "What am I gonna do when that noise is there? "What am I gonna do when I have that experience? "When I'm in that ..." As I said that, this world of experience, the only thing that's going to change your life is the world of action, not the world of experience. Does that make sense, you guys? Alright, let's acknowledge Karen for something awesome there. (applause) Alright, so ... Just one or two words from your chair, what do you get for yourself right now or to Karen's generosity? What did you just get for yourself? Just one or two words from your chair. Shout it out in your big person voice so that we can hear you, but what did you get for yourself out of Karen's share there? What did you see for yourself? One or two words, right there.
I am, what I say I am.
I am, what I say I am, good, what else? What did you get for yourself? Right here, Emily.
She finds what she's looking for.
She finds what she's looking for.
Gotta do something different.
Gotta do something different.
Act, very good, one or two more. What have you got for yourself, what do you see?
Take a stand for the life you want.
Take a stand for the life you want.
I'm the creator of my life.
I'm the creator of my life, right? Alright, and you can just hear like, you guys pulling your life toward yourself right now. I noticed that's what everybody's saying now. It's about, "Oh, this thing all begins and ends with me." It is up to you and who cares if they don't care, Dave, you do! Act accordingly.
Yup, I've got it be about me.
Exactly, and you've got resigned that they don't care. They don't care, Dave, they don't care. (laughter) Not a bit.
They don't care.
And now, I don't care that they don't care.
Exactly, no act can actually care about what matters to me and these people in my life and my business, you can give a damn. It's not about having them give a damn. That's a sidebar, to get you off the hook for who you need to be to give a damn. Make sense?
Totally. Alright, good. So, all of these things have persisted in your life because you've never interrupted them. You've danced with them. You've got into bed with them. You've nurtured them. You're like Gollum with a ring. (laughter) "I'm not worthy. "I'm incapable. "I can't do it." I'm not any different, my internal setting says, "I'm never gonna make it." It's given by, I don't think I'm smart enough. That's just what's going on with me though. I don't live that life, I used to, and then I realized, and then, designed a course around it what I realized that in my life if I wanted it to change, I would have to act in accordance with the ways that I want it to change, and that I'm not always gonna feel aligned with that. So, for those of you that are out to lose weight. Yeah, there's gonna be those same experiences. You're either gonna not stick to what you said or you're gonna do something else. So, these things, these items about you that you now act upon, these experiences of yourself that you now act upon, they're habitual. Your entire persona is nothing more than a bad habit. You're just habitually you, and you're working on your habit (laughs) Last me, today, I swear I'm gonna do it. (laughter) All you are are a series of habits that you've developed, that you've developed over time to overcome the hangups that you've got. So, why do you procrastinate? Why do you avoid confrontation? Why do you struggle to maintain relationships? These are all just a series of habitual behaviors and habitual emotional states, they're just the same.