Building Confidence & Overcoming Fear
Negotiation requires confidence that last question actually is is we're right there negotiation requires confidence you can't ask for the money if you don't think you're worth it makes sense, doesn't it? So we know that expertise will build confidence so we will gain confidence as we gain expertise we know that that's the case but we also know that feelings rule and that feeling's always take over when we're under stress and I've shared some of my coping skills and uh and we have heard a bunch of great coping skills that came in from came in from all of you and now let's look at some proven methods for for ah building confidence listen to yourself kind of know how you're feeling I know what's going on no kind of wonder ask yourself where are those feelings coming from? What is it? What emotion um I actually feeling is that the stomach churning emotion? Is it the chance test clenching emotion? Is it just the feeling of being anxious like you've had too much coffee? What is it and then t...
hink what what made me feel that way? What was it that made me feel that way? Try to identify it, ask a lot of questions ask questions are a great way to reduce the anxieties uh and use what you learn to guide to guide your planning because we know that creating a plan reduces your anxiety and then take action sometimes it's a simple for me is to go for a run and then I regained confidence in myself when I come back from the run's amazing, I know that late in the day I began to think that everything I've done this junk late in the day I begin to see think that everything I've done is junk early in the morning I like to get up at five four sometimes I'm on, I'm on fire and I think I'm fabulous and I'm writing well and thinking well four in the afternoon it's over so I just acknowledge it and do something else chances are what's going on here? Chances are something specific is bothering you and look for what it is that's actually bothering you and talk a little bit about confidence here quickly confidence is what turned thought into action so confidence is the state of mind it's a state of mind of where you feel comfortable that you're going to take some action so it's a state of mind the first time I've thought of it this way but it's a state of mind where oh, I will feel okay if I do this so confidence is a state of mind it's a state of mind and its confidence is what turns thoughts into action so you know, so I got a little circle going here and action in turn create confidence even if the action you took didn't work out the way you wanted to say it's action on the project and somehow the result wasn't quite what you had in mind the very fact the very action itself adds to your confidence this's proven so simply taking action builds confidence and it's a little bit of a virtuous cycle, you have enough confidence to take an action. You take the action and you gain confidence and you get a little more confidence than you could take a little more action and all of a sudden you're feeling better confidence is a belief in one's ability to succeed that stimulates action. Confidence is a belief in one's ability to succeed that stimulate action and in turn, action stimulates confidence. Action stimulates confidence virtuous cycle much better than a vicious circle action increases confidence that's the takeaway if you're low on confidence, the first thing you know to do is take some kind of action. It could be direct action on the activity you're involved in the deal, the project or it could be completely indirect like taking a run or taking a nap or watching some television taking action. Get yourself out of that loop you know, than other loop rejection therapy fear of know we're all afraid of being told no it's rejection it's terrible, I've been told that the strongest motivation that we have as human beings is to be a part of the group, we want to be a part of the group, so we're a fae afraid of being rejected from the group sort of makes sense if you're outside the tribe, you're probably going to die. So being in the tribe in the group you're going to have enough to eat, you're gonna have more likelihood of staying alive so to overcome the fear of no through controlled forced exposure is thie idea of rejection therapy overcome the fear of no through controlled forced exposure become comfortable with the stresses that go with rejection that's the idea. So if you experience rejection on small things and you take the risk of no on small things, then you khun I feel more comfortable asking for things even though you might get told no your fear of being told no reduces so I'm gonna tell you a little story here read you a little story actually that was inspired uh by design sponge uh, this is a story from amy is aereo and she writes, most of us are so afraid of the word no that we neglect to ask for things. I returned to salad to a local sandwich shop shop because it was not worth the ten dollars I paid for it becoming a person who asked for what she's wants has not come naturally when I asked for things, I feel that I'm fighting against that part of me that wants to be rewarded for not asking, I feel like someone will notice my quiet patients that I'm a good person for not being demanding that all my wishes will come true because I didn't ask, but I've learned that people are too busy to figure out the secret wishes floating around in my head. When I heard about the concept of rejection therapy, I was immediately transported back to my first job myself and another girl were higher, both hired on the same day for the same job. She later told me she was making about twenty percent more than I wass it was a huge difference. I was shocked and I asked how she got more money. She told me that when she was offered the job, if you just told him that she needed more, she just asked, I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I couldn't believe it was so simple, she just asked, and you and you and you would have thought I learned my lesson, but you and you would have thought I learned my lesson lesson, but asking us hard, particularly when you hate hearing no, I became aware that normally I would ask for things and pad the question so much as to give the other person an easy way out we all know what that's like asking may be aware of how important it is to know what you want and to come right out and ask for it I haven't completely conquered my fears but I am a little less afraid so when I looked down at my ten dollars salad last week and saw a cup of lettuce and a handful of tomatoes are marked march right back to the shop and I started by telling him that I was a huge fan of the shop and I really liked them but I was just disappointed by the salad and asked if it was possible to get something else I got a new salad and a free cookie for my for my efforts and it made my day I thought that was a sweet little story about rejection therapy but what she's doing there is she's simply exposing herself to this possibility this uncomfortable possibility of no and in the process she's she's gaining some power over yes I find it interesting that we have thiss fear over know and what I constantly when friends and I discuss things where I'm going to ask me something that I constantly find myself the worst that they're going to do is say no right if that's the worst of it then it's totally fine right? Yeah I'm not risking my life for anything so that whole thing going that's a coping skill you developed yet for no you probably don't have it's badass amy no, I'll ask if I actually actually to build on this is this is something that I really had to struggle with and what I did is on my mirror my bathroom is I wrote with pen that I know would show up when like I took a shower and I got out it would say what's the worst thing they will say oh yeah is no yeah you hear notes it's ok it's ok to hear notes like your life's not gonna end but it's a really respected yeah it's a reminder for me every day to be like I can't ask yeah I'm not gonna die right exactly yeah yeah yeah I thought this little rejection theory therapy was a pretty good idea actually. So practice works basically what you know that's the other thing that it shows his if we practise something that were uncomfortable with we get better and eventually our discomfort goes away uh what did we learn this morning? This is a little quick summary. I think I have to read it off the screen. Uh, creatives are more vulnerable to their emotions. Okay, we know that we do use our number two we do use our emotions as a strength in our work we know that number three emotions are a source of our expertise number four expertise is our source of power when we're negotiating number five we do make critical contributions to the world but we are under compensated we get that six confidence is required and the sources of confidence are available to us. So there are sources that are available to us because we've just gone through. We can learn to ask for what we need planning engagements with the client avoids dickering so we can plan with the client and we can avoid this uncomfortable dickering process and action itself produces confidence and as creative we're more in touch with ours and our and our opposites, emotions and that's important to keep in mind s so yes, we are, you know, yes complexity, contradictory extremes that's a part of this traits that in most are separate are all together in us anything I missed from our lesson this morning and the ted tips for this segment separate your work from yourself never cut deliver bols to fit a budget don't rush to close never reveal your bottom line so separate your work from yourself that's the hardest one to do um we have to learn to care about our work but when we're at the negotiating table not care so much that it sinks us that's tricky that's tricky care enough so there were obviously honouring the value that's in our work but not so much that it destroys us at the negotiating table the reason I say never cut deliver balls to fit a budget is because you are experts so what should happen in the negotiation is you should be working with the client to talk about what's really needed to achieve what they're looking for in the project so together you're talking about we need to do this we need to do that we need to create this together how many days do we need our their deadlines are there are their limitations together we determine what is the best way to meet the project and then we define together with our client what the deliver bals are what the budget should be to achieve those adorable so it should be a mutual discussion so it's not the kind of thing where the client says I want this this this and this and this and you say, well, I can't do that for two thousand dollars or twenty or whatever it happens to be what you want to do is say help me understand why you want those things let's talk about it and together described what needs to be and then together arrive what's the best way to accomplish that so you avoid this kind of dickering over delivered balls are going to that in more depth later don't rush to close we are always anxious when we're negotiating we want to get to the work itself it's just human nature we wanted get to the thing. We're comfortable with doing the creative work, creating the image, recreating the architecture, er, creating the design, whatever it happens to be. So we tend to want to get to the part that we feel comfortable with. And so we we have this tendency to, like, rush through it and accept something that's, really, not the deal we should accept. So you need to fight your tendency to rush to close. And then, of course, never reveal your bottom line. If you have something in the back of your head, that is the fixed amount that you are thinking and you get way beyond that are way under that. Never tell the client that that's none of their business.