Lessons

Lesson Info

Roleplay with Sara & Brian, and Relationships Toolkit

we mentioned that you want to say a little bit of role play? Did you guys have any desire to talk about one of those situations where you felt that communication just was off for there was a friction point or something would come up the couch and do that couch? We just got over a whole bunch and you guys have been nodding and talking and also stuff. I am just curious. We chatted about what, 48 seconds after you guys got here and before I came out here and I said, Hey, would you guys want to jump up on the show at some point and talk about a friction point? You see what's refreshing point? And so that's all the prep we've done for this. But what I've noticed for the last few hours that you guys, it's a lot of this is resonating with experiences you've had on DSO are there? Is there a topic or something that you guys feel that you get stuck on or you feel like the other person doesn't here you or has been kind of ah, point of friction between you in the past? Yes. Okay, way to go right n...

ow, I guess one example. So and it kind of ties into a lot of a lot of other things that you've been talking about that I'm more of an early bird on. So I get up and I start doing work and going through emails and building up my healthy level of stress on then. Sometimes what I like to do is go in and see Sarah and kind of dump that stress on her by saying, Hey, all we like, totally, totally asleep. Okay. What time? I mean, it could be 77 Yeah, way. Yeah, Well, I'll be, like, still asleep, and he'll be like, Okay, so I've got a conference call at a.m. Do you think that, uh, do you got whatever. Yeah, thing that's going on with the Children or, you know, what do you have going on today? Because I have this, But I know that, you know, a J needs to go here. Jake needs to do this. We have all of these other commitments and its he goes right into it. And, you know, I'm like, Yeah, right. And then I get mad because I'm not really hearing what he's what he's saying. I'm like, seriously already again e told. Feel that. Wow. And you're feeling like you're doing what? Well, I guess a couple of things. I'm forgetting that I guess typically, have my stress scowl. What does that look like? I can t o but I feel like that. I'm just transactional e doing something that needs to be done to move the day along that has, You know, we just have to do these five things or, you know, the day is just not gonna happen the way it needs to happen, right? There shouldn't be the stress. It's just like we have to do these things and that's reality. And, you know, I'm overlooking the fact that you feel sleepy. Hey, hey, Made would be nice. Who are, you know, just cup of coffee? That Yes, so it looking that he does make Oh, yeah, that's helpful. So I'm just kind of jumping right into the transactions with details. Dish of the day. When does that still occurs? It's something that you guys have resolved and doesn't doesn't happen anymore. No, it's absolutely. I think that we have just been having a lot of dialogue that about it lately I instead of well, I'll still get Really, uh what do you like mad like when you say, Matt, do you? Just seriously, because you say mad this is goes back to understanding how the other person will well, in moot how we all do it differently when you're matter you like, are you? I'm just honestly here and you walk and or you like I just I just woke up. What was the 1st 1? Definitely. Okay, Okay. So immediately raises your ire because it's happened repeatedly. And you're not just responding to the one morning responding to all the mornings that yes, absolutely. Yeah. And were openly discussing that now very way, which is also on dso the plan, the solution. The thing Dio is what What do you what is your going from here Point? Well, I mean, I think it starts with me just being cognizant of the fact that this stress scowl and all of that being more self aware on and, you know, realizing now that you're highly sensitive person after 19 years, I think it is tactically is not coming in first thing in the morning and you know jumping into these five things that I know we're gonna call stress or yeah. So what's interesting? I think about that is one of the things that Stephen I've done now that we never used to dio we would say, Yeah, that's a problem. We should really work on that. Hopefully that'll sort itself out. And the next morning, why are you waking me up again? Because we need to get through the things I love. That you commented. That is transactional nature. That's obviously really big clue right there that you're you're looking at the details and the tactics, and you're looking at how it feels to greet a new day with being jammed with the to do list. You're just coming from that. That's different language. That's such a different language. But so one of the things that I've noticed that I'm doing actually multiple areas, including with my studio studio manager and things like that people that I have I'll have a source of stress with, for whatever reason is that I started getting I get crazy problem solving with, Well, let's sit down. Let's write it out. Let's go. And if I'm the only one that comes up with a written solution and asked, if the other person can go with it, then I will do that. Most people don't say Yes, I'd love to sit down and share this experience with you and find out a solution, but I keep showing you steps. It's not that I'm step crazy, but in my business life, I've noticed a significant improvement by having systems and processes in place. And I don't know why they wouldn't work just as well for emotional concerns. At least until it becomes second nature and you don't have to worry about. It's a guideline. It's somewhere to start. It's a script, you know. But I think it would be really interesting. And maybe you guys could do this by the end of the program is to come down with with a list of like this. Is these air this air? Exactly. The steps were going to take to resolve this. Maybe it's something where it's agreed upon start time. Was it not before 10 a.m. Yeah, something like that. So tonight, one, I can come in. Oh my God has been building for five hours, but it's something like that. I mean, you know, one of the rules of thumb for business is on, and you hear this repeatedly is do your best to not check email till 10 AM You know, I've heard this over and over again. I try often. I fail often, but at least have a guideline and practice. And the thinking behind that from a business perspective, is if you start your day with email, you're starting your day feeling lost and behind, like you can't catch up and you're getting caught in all these tactics and trivial. Yeah, there's a huge parallel here. You're getting caught up in all these tactics and trivial things. The things that have to get done that are often extraordinarily transactional in nature. Respond to this. Get this. Return this. You know, that's a lot of what email is versus starting with the overall picture. The overall picture is what I want to do with this day. One of the three things I want accomplish today. How can I start with something that gives me a sense of accomplishment right out of the gate? I was what? The first thing to be something that feels like I won because I may be a loser the rest of day. Let me win right at 9 a.m. or whatever the time is. So if you can take that same sort of thinking and put it into this friction point on, Guy would love for you guys to come up with some steps like some rules for yourself going forward. We know it's not till this time these. These are the words that drive that driver insane toe have to wake up to. But you know these the words and then for you. Part of what you're thing is to do is that it is Look at what? What is driving his behavior to run in and tell you at seven at Nam, all the things that have to get done today, Where is that underlying stress and what's away? Maybe that could be managed the evening before that you go to bed. Maybe it's a game plan right before bed. Let's look at tomorrow. Let's take five minutes to look at tomorrow and come up with a little list and so we can hit the ground running and tomorrow we could wake up to miraculous miracles and are winning points. But something. But maybe if you guys could sit down for five minutes on one of our breaks and come up with a plan and then show it to us later that something you'd be interested doing. All right. Oh, thank you for being so open. I love that. I love that you guys were just I mean, I don't think any sort of level where this comes about without vulnerability. You need to be able to say, Fine, I'll talk to the Internet. You saw my husband's expression in that in that photograph for the work like bats like everyone doing this already so. But I think that you need to be able to say we're all human beings trying to get through this. And why wouldn't we want improve the number one thing ourself that affects every relationship at 50% level, that you need to have some awareness of vulnerability. So thank you, Theo, from the Internet. Thank you. That was cool with that. Anyway, that's just then being Then I love that so acceptance. It's funny that we just had that conversation. Acceptance, of course, means that this was really definitely to need acceptance of a situation or persons behaviors that I didn't like. I meant I stopped striving for excellence. That's what has always meant to me. If I'm going to just accept this situation, that means I have to say, OK, I'm fine right here with this. I don't ever want to do that. I have a desire for things to improve and to get better and everything. What I found out over time and repeatedly hitting the wall for my lack of acceptance was not helping anybody, Certainly not myself, was that accepting another person as they are doesn't mean you don't still assume that they will change and grow over time and that you can't influence them by a very open dialogue. And by sharing things that matter and stuff, it just means that you don't make the other person feel like you keep wanting to change them, to be better. I mean, that's a big difference. If I am always trying to work on you to be a better partner for me. You are always gonna feel like you're not a good enough partner for me now, and vice versa. Across the board I mentioned earlier with my parents, one of the decisions I made with my mom was to be very much embraced who she is. And it wasn't until I did that that I started seeing all the things about her that were really cool and that loved and missed out on with my very narrow view of who I wanted her to be as the mom to me with some book I think I read when I was five. No, there's a lot more to that. But it's basically the idea of accepting another person in their space and letting them know they are accepted, as well as keeping open dialogue for future change. Um, this has also been the wonderful way that I've been able to resolve. Acceptance is if I keep trying to get somebody else to be more like me and how I see that I can't imagine what it be like to date me. I think it be horrible. I mean, I already know what it's like to hear my voice on video back to cringe. Have you ever done that? Hurt yourself on answer Machine it? Oh, no. We're seeing yourself on video from the wrong angle, like No, um, I try to keep that in mind if I were to date me, exactly me without that being and component without the fact that there's a balance in nature because you do see things different, that you might be more focused on logic and transactional, you might be focused more on feeling and emotion. Without that, together you lose so much I would never want to date myself from the other part of that acceptance brings to its clarity. Sometimes it takes more courage to accept a situation than to wage war against it. This this is one of the old tenants that we hear a lot with belief systems. If you can accept a situation that is a lot more difficult than to constantly trying to change it, and I think that you can find clarity in your life and in your relationship by acceptance, and what I mean by that is, if you're in a relationship where you constantly want things to change, you want someone to alter themselves in this way. You want to finally be here with them. Nothing is good right now. I'm not gonna accept that you also not going to have clarity about the future of your relationship because you're constantly not sure it's worth it, or it's going toe work or you're going to make it because it's constantly not good enough. When you have acceptance and you say I see all of this and this is where we are I have clarity about the overall relationship. Then you're in the mindset of having a decision point to maintain the relationship as it is, no matter what, everything does. It screwed up. I'm really frustrated. I don't care. I still decided to accept some things. I have more clarity, and I'm going to work more towards improving things over time. Oh, I love this. You guys know this quote from Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah? Well, maybe there's a god above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who had Drew. You know, you can't say that. Want to sing it right to me? The idea of I think it's a very tried and true dynamic that takes place in a lot of relationships. I certainly been a part of relationships where this is a dynamic that if I see her coming up hurt you first. That conflict resolution has a lot to do with knowing that that might be our gut reactions. Sometimes in situations, if you're gonna do this, I'm gonna do it first. That's why a lot of people break up, and and especially when you're younger, that's a very normal thing. That's how to be cool when you date right. But even when you're older and you had more experience, you've had more relationships. We still have that play out sometimes. So we're gonna chat a little bit more about being aware of what your goal is for the relationship and ensuring that the actions you're taking to resolve conflicts actually aligned to a goal. If my goal for the relationship is to feel close to you and to feel like we can trust each other, and my action in a fight is to go in the silent treatment and not talk to you for four days, there's some inconsistency with my actions on my goals, right? They don't align, respect and trust. One thing I want to look at super fast believe you on a couple chicken scratch graphics of what I think about in terms of trusting where you are with someone. If you look at a normal relationship, a normal relationship over time. There's ups and downs. Yes, a normal ish chip ups and downs. I'll have you know, you can't believe this. I drew that. I drew that graph. Yes, I know the normal peaks and valleys to any relationship is that's how it goes. But memory talked about those really high expectations and those low standards. We don't expect that. We expect that everything should be good, always happy, never empty by having some trust and even respecting the process of a relationship, not even each other. Having some trust in the relationship and respect in respect for the process, you know that their frustrations there's pure happiness. There's going to be restlessness. There's gonna be unsure redness about whether or not you should even be in this relationship. There's certainly mood changes, always all the time on bears, moments of pure affection and intimacy with angry interactions and really quick frustration levels that is normal and having some trust for that understanding that's normal. Instead of having a situation where everything's relatively okay. And then there's this massive dramatic event called Call it what will that that threatens to tear you apart and It isn't until you understand and trust and respect in the relationship that you can come back better than ever. This one is very familiar to me, other people, and this is probably more than norm. We look at our current divorce rate in this country, and especially the second and third marriages. It goes higher and higher. We'll talk about that a bit later, but it's all up until it's no good anymore. And then it's done. It's over not having that respect for the fact that things are going to go up and down. So obviously you can chart this craft a 1,000, different ways for your relationship. But the big thing to keep in mind is that if you have respect and trust for all the wiggly lines, you do well better during the relationship and certainly last longer over the long term. I mentioned this during our posing workshop in terms of win to click the shutter. If you want a happy ending, that depends in court, of course, on where you end this story, it's a wonderful thing to get very comfortable with having relationship that has repeated happy endings, and you just know you're gonna come back again and find your next happy ending. And that's what you're looking forward, Teoh, Instead of assuming you always have to stay there.