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Lesson 10 from: How to be Bold, Resilient & Better Than Ever

Tabatha Coffey

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Lesson Info

10. Confidence

Next Lesson: Courage

Lesson Info


So confidence, confidence is really different to self-esteem. Confidence is, I mean it's defined as a feeling of assurance because you already know the quality of the outcome. So confidence is when you go in to do something you know how it's gonna end, so you can be confident. It's different, it's like when I do a haircut, I know it's gonna be fine. It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't screw up, right? It doesn't mean that things don't go wrong sometimes, but I've been hairdressing since I was 14 years old, so a pair of scissors just feels like a natural extension to my hands. So when I walk in to a situation, when I'm doing anything related to my craft, I'm confident because I can pretty much guarantee what the outcome's gonna be, right? The confidence comes from practice. It comes from being repetitive. It does come from knowing what you're doing. When I first started working on clients, I wasn't confident. I was petrified because I hadn't been doing it for long enough, it wasn't r...

epetitive, it wasn't natural, it didn't feel comfortable, right? And you can have confidence, there's a lot of people that are really, really, really, really confident and they have zero self-esteem, zero. They're confident in their craft, they're confident in their ability, they're confident in the way they put themselves out there and their presence in the world, but they have zero self-esteem. They don't think they're of value, they don't like themselves. I mean just a fact, look at how many celebrities kind of go off the rails. Wouldn't you think that that confident person that could go and sing beautifully with this voice and stand on stage in front of millions of people or act in a movie and have us all captivated, or you know, do whatever it is that they do that we all go gaga over. Don't you think that they would... Aren't you always shocked when something goes awry and you're like ooh, they didn't, they had a lot of confidence but they had no self-esteem. So they're two very different things. People ask me all the time how can I be more confident? I want confidence. But confidence is only part of it, confidence is really just knowing that the outcome's going to be good, and as I said, it comes from doing your craft, doing you, preparing. Right, you're confident when you walk into a meeting because you've done the preparation to walk into that meeting with confidence, right? I'm prepared when I touch a client because I've done the training and done it for so many years that I could walk into that appointment with confidence. But my self-esteem, and some days it has been, has been in the toilet. But I still show up. I still put out what I'm being paid to put out, and I can feel crap about myself, I can have a narrative going around and the snakes running around in my head. So they're two different things, and the confusion I think actually screws us up. Who struggles with confidence? Is it self-esteem or confidence? Just by show of hands out of curiosity. Is it really confidence you struggle with or is it self-esteem? (audience member sneezes) Bless you. We often confuse the two a lot. Confidence to me is, it's outside things. Right, confidence is an outside thing, and we use them all the time like shoes and makeup and hair and bags and all the like little shiny things we put all over ourselves to make us feel more confident when we walk into something. And that is because sometimes we're not prepared to what we're walking into and our self-esteem isn't where it should be to think that even though I may not be quite prepared for this I still bring value to it. I still bring passion. I still bring me. I still have an outcome I want to achieve. Sometimes confidence it works on our egos and it can come off as being overly cocky when people seem overly confident, and typically it's because they feel shit about themselves and they have really bad self-esteem, right? And it needs to, they need to puff themselves up and bring it out more to take up space to make them feel grounded. I think confidence in your work is amazing and it can be built through practice and repetition, but it's not the thing that for me defines success, and I always find it a little surprising when people will say I want you to teach me how to be confident. So confidence will come through repetition, through practice, through consistency. How many things do you do that you used to not feel confident about it but because you keep doing it all the time, I don't care what it is, it could be going to the gym, you know, from the first time to the 100th time, if you're a hairdresser and you're doing a haircut, if you're an artist, photographer, business owner, whatever profession it is, the first time you did it, it was like ooh, right? And then after even 10 times you started to feel a little bit more confident, 20 times, 30 times, and so it goes. I don't care if it's just having a staff meeting with your staff, the more you do it the more comfortable and confident you feel about it because of the repetition and the practice and what goes into it. But don't confuse it with your own value, and don't confuse it with what I believe the true secret sauce is and what we probably need more of, but I wanna hear from some people about confidence. I know I'm gonna say it wrong so you can, I'm Australian, I tend to sometimes do terrible things to words of the English language. It's an Australian trait. Chinay. Chinee, see. Such an Australian in me. Chinee, come on up. How are you doing? I'm great, how are you? I'm good. Good. That's for you. Okay. I'm gonna sit in my kiddie seat, it's very low. So self-esteem or confidence, what do you think the problem is for you? I definitely think it's primarily self-esteem. As you've explained today it's really more clear to me. Yeah. Right. And did you think it was confidence before? Oh definitely, I definitely thought I was confident, but I keep showing up as confident to people, so I'm like, there's a disconnect here. And a lot of people say that, you know, it's a presence that you have, and a lot of people have just this strong presence. And people go oh, you're so confident, what are you worried about? Look at you. They don't realize that sometimes really incredibly nervous people or quiet people can withdraw a little bit and people go oh, they're so stuck up, right? They don't wanna socialize with anyone. They're the assumptions that we all make about people. So how does your self-esteem affect you and what you're doing? It really holds me back from doing what is in my head to do. So I wanna share with people. I'm a sharer, like I share information, whether it benefits me or not, but then as soon as it has to do with me, the workshop that I'm doing or the services that I provide then it's like oh, you know, I don't wanna put myself out there because I don't wanna act like it's all about me or monetizing what I do, you know? I'll help other people do that, people will seek me out for that, but when it comes to me, and I'm holding myself back. So do you hold yourself back because you don't self-promote your business or because you don't want to talk about yourself? I think it's holding myself back because I... don't want people to think that... I think that I'm better than what I am and I think it has to do with me. I think it has to do with the business which is new and my husband challenged me and was like get out there and what he didn't know at the time is that was one of the things that I kept telling myself that I couldn't do, not that I couldn't do that, but you know, it's gonna be hard on the family, and you know, all these reasons. And then he took that reason away, and I was like I don't even know what to do now. (audience laughs) Wow, what a jerk to be so supportive. And I was like, then I realized it was me. So I could point to the finances which I've done in the past, I could point to the time which I've done in the past, I could point to the family impact, which I've done in the past, and when all of that was done it was still me. It took me so long to book the venue, it took me so long to do everything, and I realized it was me. I was afraid of putting it out there. I put the savings, it's coming, and everybody's like yeah! And then I was like picking the date was so hard. Because it was real. So you set yourself up to potentially fail, so you self-sabotaged yourself. I did, and my husband asked like what? When all the excuses go, when you ask yourself what can I do to make this change? What is going to stand in my way, right? Right, if you ask yourself if you wanna change something what is going to stand in my way? And start listing your roadblocks, right, like time for the kids, have to run errands, look after my husband, walk the dog, whatever it is, you list all the things that could stand in your way, and then sometimes you come up with this list that you realize that can be moved, that can ask someone else to do that, that you're really just in denial and don't want to do it because you're scared. Right, and I figured out one of my fears was I'm gonna pick the day that nobody's available. Like not just the day that some people aren't available, the day's no one available. Then I just had to change and say well if you show up then it's a success. You can't be worried to yourself. I mean people showed up, but I was so afraid. I didn't realize how afraid I was. Are you still afraid? I'm working on it and I have been afraid but I have been moving forward, but not with a toolkit, and so I feel like being here today is giving me a better toolkit 'cause I work with people all the time on getting past being stuck and you know, all these things, but I haven't been as self-aware for myself. You know, it takes time to be self-aware. So I've been afraid at times and then just kept trying to move forward in spite of that fear. But yeah. Can I just suggest something to you? Absolutely. Can I suggest that maybe part of it isn't just fear, it's vulnerability. Tell me more. (laughs) So it's how to be vulnerable. None of us like it, it's not, it feels like a place of weakness for a lot of people and it feels really uncomfortable to put yourself out there with the potential because when you're vulnerable you could get hurt. It may not go the way that you want it to go and it's uncomfortable, it comes into fear as well, it brings out the fear. You feel helpless which is never a good kind of place to come from. And you often close down. But to be successful you have to be vulnerable because you don't know what's gonna happen, it is gonna hurt sometimes, that's just a fact of life, it's learning how to deal with it, having that toolkit with knowing how to overcome obstacles and move forward. And it's also opening up because with some of the stories I've shared, I can't ask all of you, all my staff, or anyone I coach or anyone I work with or teach to put themselves in a state of vulnerability if I'm not gonna be vulnerable too. And I think for me like one of the reasons why I applied for the class is 'cause I'm like well, I watched CreativeLive and I'm like there's a big chance you could be called up there and that's a petrifying, I don't like to be on camera 'cause of just you know, being in a car accident years ago, the story in my head is my face is disfigured, I have all these stories in my head, right? We all do. And so I just, I felt like this could help me get past the fact that I won't even, you know, do like simple videos that I know I could get in and really talk on like a Facebook video or a YouTube video and people can connect with me and say yeah, I wanna be in her workshop, but I won't do it because I keep having this story like I'm gonna look crazy and they're gonna be like why is your face disfigured and... You know, just all of this stuff. We're all shaking our head, okay? And so here's the thing that's hard to accept. So we just talked about praise, right, and that you take it, it's a gift, so don't give it back to us, 'cause we all just gave you a gift. Thank you. All right, but I don't see that. I can see all these shaking heads, these shaking heads aren't seeing that. And you need to accept that gift. Here's the thing, sometimes though is we need to believe it because you know how many times someone goes no you look beautiful, no you're amazing, you're so great at what you do, oh no you're sexy, oh no your hair looks good, oh no your butt looks good, and you just don't take it because it's not what you believe that's where the self-esteem comes in, and I think sharing that story means that you are vulnerable. You're vulnerable because you don't want anyone to bring that up or say that because obviously it would be A, rude and they'd be a jerk but B, it would be hurtful and painful, right? Absolutely. And that would be my thing that maybe you should consider. Consider maybe being a little bit vulnerable. And it's amazing because when you are open to being vulnerable, take it from me, I just started it. And I'm being really honest about it, I've never been a vulnerable person because I've always come or tried to even if I didn't feel very strong I was always taught to come from strength, and when I did feel vulnerable it was typically by myself and feeling really shitty an being by myself and just feeling awful but I didn't share my vulnerability with many people. And I have found, and you know, we, I've talked about some of the things that have happened to me in the past 10 years and kind of those things, it's taught me to be vulnerable. And the more vulnerable I am, the more vulnerable people are with me, and it's a gift because it's opened up many things. It's opened up opportunities, it's opened up better communication and connection with people, I feel better because I can actually feel like I can truly tell you something that you may not have expected from me but it will hopefully help you and I can just share that to be of service, right, and to be a sharer which you are. Right. So I would suggest just a little vulnerability. I appreciate that. But you're doing great. Thank you, I'm trying not to like... You're not shaking at all, you're totally fine. (audience applauds) Thank you so much. You're welcome, thank you for coming. Paul... Come to the hot seat. Hello, how are you? Doing well, thank you. So I asked the question before, I don't know if everyone saw, but I said, self-esteem or confidence, which one is it for you? I think it's probably confidence. I mean I know in my conscience mind I'm intelligent and I've had a lot of success and I'm a good parent and I think I'm a good husband but it's like that crippling fear of rejection really makes me not wanna take opportunities or make opportunities for myself which is really critical at this point because I'm working for myself now and as I've told like younger people I've worked with over the years like if you're not gonna like be the cheerleader for your own self, for your own skillset and all that, no one is gonna give a shit about you. That's right. But yet when I do it, it's like... So... You know, I come off like a... So you know. Yeah. You know what you know, and you know what you need to know but you're not taking the advice. Of myself, yeah. Of yourself, right? So where's that disconnect, how can you you, why can't you show up for yourself and be your biggest cheerleader? I mean there's no real reason. Well, there has to be. But in your logical mind, there's no real reason. That's okay, it doesn't need to be logical for it to make an issue-- I think it's just, I don't want to people to think that, you know, I just don't want them to think I'm stupid or what I do is stupid or... What do you do? I'm a business consultant and aesthetician. It's not stupid. No, I'm not stupid. No, I said what you do is not stupid. (audience laughs) I absolutely agree with you. So we just got that fear out of the way. Yes. Well, let me put it this way. Okay. So I began my life in finance and I got an MBA and then I started working in non profit financial management, then I had my daughter, I stayed at home at home with her for three years, which like... tabula rasa like you have no ego, you're nothing compared to this infant. And during that time I kept getting feedback from friends like oh, you're not the old Paul blah, blah. My sister would be like you know, what happened to you? You're not the person I knew. My mother would say you used to have so much confidence, what happened? I'm telling these people like well, I have a fucking baby. (audience laughs) So glad you said that word, I've been dying to all day. (audience laughs) You know but I think we're programed to not value that because it's like there are women in Africa giving birth in a field and throwing it on their back. You know, like get over yourself. So... (audience laughs) I mean really, I think and especially as a man, I feel like people are just like oh, you know. Off you go. Yeah. So when I had to go back to work, I started doing interviews for those kind of financial MBA driven jobs and I just like, in interviews would just find myself like floating above myself like what are you doing here? So then I'd always love skin care and always been into it for myself since I was a teenager and then I decide-- So you opened a place? So I went to aesthetic school. Finished that, top of my class. Of course you did. Well, it was promise I made to myself. No, that's a good thing. So... So I worked in a couple places for other-- So do you both? And then I do my own room. Okay, so you do both at the moment. I do. So the consulting helps prop up the Nascent skincare business. Can I just throw something out there? Can I just make a suggestion? Absolutely. For you to ponder and chew on for a second. Because the narratives sounds like it became, when you took a step back to be a dad and take care of your child, then the narrative was oh my god, you've changed so much. Well, of course you did because you have a child. You have an infant, I mean that's going to change anyone. And you're a dad and you're taking care of your child so of course it's going to change you. And then when you went back to corporate life, it sounded like you weren't so into it. Your priorities had shifted because your life had shifted and I'm sure your values shifted. Very much. Right, that's natural and that was kind of those small shifts that happen and they're easy because this little miracle was there. Do you feel that maybe being an aesthetician and everyone saying that you've changed so much, they're gonna go what the hell is wrong with you leaving corporate America and what? Doing facials or something? Oh my god, you've lost your mind Paul, you're crazy. Yeah. Is that the fear? I mean, when I'd go out for interviews for aesthetician, they'd be like why are you here? Okay. And I have to justify my life choice it feels almost-- Yeah but you shouldn't have to. I agree with you. Yeah but I'm telling you. I know, it's crazy. To me, the suggestion would be that you're so worried about what everyone else thinks and maybe that being an aesthetician is viewed lowered than being corporate American person. That an aesthetician isn't on the same path as corporate America so it's kind of that scale thing going like that to you and you feel like you have to justify it in your own mind. And justify it to everyone else. So you've got a foot on either line and you're in limbo, you're not all in anyway. Okay so that's my whole... I think when I wrote in my answers like you know, when I'm like 65 I want to be an aesthetician, that's what I want to go out as. But the only way to do that is to go into it. Right. But it's just like so difficult to like... You're scared. Well, give up everything that-- Listen, it's different you have a child so obviously you have to put a roof over your head, food on the table, we all do, right? But you also have to make a choice, if you want to go in and you want to make the change at some point, you're gonna have to make the choice, and you sound scared. And so I would ask you this, the question I would put to you to kind of mull over is if you went all in, to being an aesthetician and put everything into it and put all your time and all your energy into it and built your business because clearly that's what you know how to do 'cause you do it for other people so you're good at it. If you did that to yourself and just went all in, right? What's the worst thing that could happen? Because even if it went, right? Pear shaped. It wouldn't really matter because you could go back to your other degrees. I totally agree with you. It's just so hard to make that leap. Right because that's the fear that's got you stuck. Yeah. You know that. I well, having watched like every episode of the things you've done, you said this to people-- I know that's why I'm saying it to you because I'm trying to help you. (audience laughs) Next, it will be a heel up your bum. (audience laughs) (audience clapping) That was amazing on so many levels and thank you Paul. But that was amazing, you know why? Because you could see it, right? You could see, you looked like I had you trapped. Because as you were talking it through, your whole body language, right? And I'm not picking on you, like you could see your whole body language. You were like I want to get out of here. It was fight or flight. Want to get our of here, my critter brain is in full motion. Oh my god, I want to get out of here, I want to get out of here. This is uncomfortable, this is uncomfortable. Danger, danger. You could see it. And that's what fear does. And that's what again, we have to work on. So here's what I believe. I don't believe it takes confidence to do that. It takes self esteem because you have to believe in yourself for sure. For me, honestly the secret sauce and what I believe in and what I believe the break through moment is, is courage. Because you have to have the courage to just go, fuck it. I'm gonna say it now, sorry. (audience laughs) I'm at the end of the day. That's what you have to say. You just have to have the courage and go, I'm doing it. I'm jumping. I don't know where it's going to take me. I don't know what the outcome's going to be. I don't know what's going to happen but I'm going to take the step and that's what courage is. Confidence, as I said, is we know the outcome, right? Because we know what the outcome's going to be because it's typically something of practice. We've been working on it, it's a skillset, something we've done before. So we're already comfortable with it.

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Ratings and Reviews

a Creativelive Student

Tabatha was a keynote speaker for our Fall Portrait Master's workshop. I was excited to listen to her talk, after watching her shows. She's honest, upfront, transparent and this course was amazing! I bought it for $29.00 but I would easily say it's worth the $89 dollar investment too! It's easy to follow, full of great inspiration, and moving your forward in your business, your life and in general. She's fabulous! I have watch this more than once, and her Keynote talk as well. Since listening to this I purchased her books (one audio) and she's in my ear frequently. LOVE her! I would have loved to have participated in her class. This isn't just for hairstylists either - it's for anyone who's looking to overcome what holds you back, how to move forward and move to a thriving successful empowered business.

Trevor Beattie

I had the pleasure and honour of participating in this class in person. Like all of you, I have enjoyed watching Tabatha for the last 10 years on television. We have all witnessed her steer and assist people in finding the direction and inner strength they needed to address their lives in a direct, honest, straight forward approach. This course gives you a small glimpse behind the curtain into what empowers, drives and has shaped this remarkable woman. It takes great strength, confidence and incredible courage to take a negative brand label like "bitch" and turn it into a symbol of pride and power. I was proud to join her on this introspective journey where she shares her life experiences and lessons to help each and every person find their inner power and silence their fears.

Tara Baxagocsy

I was lucky enough to be in the studio audience for this class (and then shocked when I was pulled up to be asked questions about my narrative!). This class was WAY beyond what I had expected. I knew it would be amazing because Tabatha is such a wonderful and effective mentor, but it was life-altering. She digs deep into self-awareness in an accessible way. She has innovative insight into teaching personal transformation and her honesty and vulnerability made this class better than any self-help book I've ever read or workshop I've attended. What a gift she gives to us all! Give yourself the most self-loving present you can and invest in this class! It's worth SO much more!

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