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Who are you?

Lesson 2 from: How to be Bold, Resilient & Better Than Ever

Tabatha Coffey

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Lesson Info

2. Who are you?

Lesson Info

Who are you?

So we're going to start with, who are you? I saw some eyes get wide. I saw everyone stop for a minute but I want to know who you are. So I'm going to call on Amil. Hi, welcome. Why don't you stand up for me and tell me who you are. I am... I don't want to say what I do. You don't have to tell me what you do. I want to know who you are. I am kind of a shy person, pretty reserved but if something that I feel passionate about, I will speak my mind. I don't generally... give my opinion if... the consensus of the room agrees with what's being said because I don't, I don't feel sometimes that it's necessary to... to say something if it's already been said. Okay, well thank you. Who else feels like that sometimes? Like if someone else has said it, why jump in and put my opinion out there? Right? I think you did great for a shy person so thank you. You were amazing. Right, that's late the hot seat first person out and that's uncomfortable for a lot of people. So right there that was yo...

ur nugget of the day that you just stood up and did that in front of all of these people which was amazing. But a lot of people feel like their voice isn't worth it. Right? That's why asking yourself who you are, it does a few things. This question is the foundation. It's like building a business. What's the number one thing you need when you're going to start your business, is a business plan. Right, you need to know what it is. What are you going after? How much is it going to cost you? Who are the clients? How many staff do you need? What's the location? What's the PNO going to look like? How much money do you need to invest? There are the things that you do when you start a business. This is your business plan of you, personally for you. This is your format this question of who are you, it's your roadmap and your business plan to know as we work through the day. Hmm, didn't realize that about myself. Or to go back to my story that I told you about checking in with myself, how do I feel about myself from what everyone was telling me. It's that moment for you. In a safer environment. Trevor, who are you? I want the elevated pitch, I want the abridged version, and I want you to tell all these fabulous people here because we're all going to be BFFs by the end of this. (audience laughs) Who are you? My name's Trevor. I'm a 47, unfortunately, 47 year old male. I happen to be a gay male. I'm a very I think empathetic, caring, compassionate person who a lot of times I think in many ways is misunderstood by the fact that, like yourself, I'm pretty direct, outspoken. I don't suffer fools gladly and I've learned over my life to temper that somewhat because it can be very off-putting to people but at the same time I'm proud of the fact that I'm capable of expressing my opinion and feel that I have value and that it's critical that... everybody doesn't have the ability to speak up and say what they're thinking and sometimes I'm very proud of the fact that I'm able to speak on behalf of people and make sure that people are looked after and taken care of. Okay. Great, thank you. Shawny, why don't you tell me who you are. Hi, I'm Shawny Richards and I am a... practiced extrovert but a really natural introvert and I am very opinionated, extremely opinionated but very careful about sharing my opinions And a lot of times don't want to be inconvenient to anyone. I really like people to be happy. So that's something that I'm aware of and I think that it's not a bad thing but I think I let it get in the driver's seat too much and very caring. I like people. I love people and so being a pastor and the thought partner for people throughout my life, I am still in this potential stage. So who I am is still becoming and sometimes that excites me and sometimes it disappoints me because I'm like, you should be growing already. So in a lot of ways I feel like I'm still a little girl, full of wonder and curiosity. Okay, great, thank you. And thank you all. So let me tell you who I am. That was great and thank you for telling me who you are. That was only part of the story. Who you are to me, I don't care about your job, don't care about your age, I don't care about your gender, I don't care about your race. I don't care if you're a mother, brother, sister, father, daughter, son, I don't care about those things. Those things are the cherry on the sundae. They're the dressings of our life. Who you are is really your core. Who are you? Like when the lights go down and you're totally stripped naked and you're alone, who are you? Because when you can answer that question and you can do it honestly and you can honestly answer it for yourself and people at home have a workbook to go through so you can ask yourself this question and write it down, is.. you get to know who you are and what you stand for and what you believe in and what's comfortable and what isn't comfortable for you. And when you can answer those questions it can help you with your self-esteem, with your boundaries, with finding your purpose. With taking that leap and maybe finding the courage that you didn't have before to open your business or take it to the next level or whatever it is that you feel that your road bump is to kind of move it up. Does that make sense? So... it's who you identify with inside. The emotions that you identify with. So I told you my story, right? I'm sure all of you guys and you'll have maybe, maybe not, a different perception of me at the end is that I'm one way. I know I'm a different way, doesn't mean your perception is wrong but I Know who I am inside. I am... brave, I'm courageous, I am intelligent. I am tenacious, I am creative, I am honest. I'm loving. I'm an introvert. I'm an empath. I'm also a caregiver. I'm gentle but there's another side and there's another side to all of us. I'm hard-working. I'm honorable. I, that made you frown when I said I was honorable. We'll talk about that. I'm also... really, really, really a strong supporter. Sometimes too strong. That can be a double-edged sword for me. Sometimes I support people and I'm there and have your back when it's time for me to walk away because it's not healthy for me to do that and I don't set up my boundaries properly. I'm also really stubborn. Really stubborn and I can be mean. I know that and I can be really mean and I'm typically really mean with the people I really love. Sometimes outside people but it's important to know that. I will cut off my nose to spite my face sometimes. I can be unforgiving. I can be unbending, I can be rigid. I can be selfish. I can be unrelenting. I don't give up even when I should. I know all of those things about me. I know my insecurity buttons. I know my buttons that make me angry and it's ugly. When I'm angry I'm ugly. Most of us are. I know those buttons that get pushed with the people I love or if someone outside of my circle pushes that button, I know what is going to trigger that button. So I can control it. So I can be aware of it. It doesn't always work, sometimes it backfires. There's no magic fairy dust here but at least I know this is a trigger for me and that is going to do that because of how I feel inside. Does that make sense? So who are you is all of those things. They're the great parts of ourselves that we love. Like being loving and being kind and being supportive and you know, being helpful and all of the good things that you're listed and are great but it's also the dark things. It's also those dark things about ourselves that we like to kind of hide over or we don't want to verbalize and expose it to everyone because when you say it, it's true. When you shine light on it, it's alive. The thing is when you shine light on it and you breathe life into it and it becomes true, it's much easier to look at and understand where it came from. What you can do to change it. What the story is you tell yourself about it. What the story is someone else told you about it. And to really own it and the more that you own those things, the more authentic you become. And the more you come from a different place with yourself and with other people. So that's why asking who are you is... you at your core. Strip yourself down. Take a second to just like strip it off, get naked. Take off all the titles and the, you know, I own a business and I'm a hairdresser and I'm a mom and I'm a dad. Take all that off and just sit with who are you. Like really sit with it. We don't identify who we are as much anymore. We don't sit with who we are or how we're feeling or check in with ourselves or ask that question. So do you ever do something or even watch a movie and something happens and you're like... (gasps) I can't even look because I feel, it just is freaking me out that that's even happening and I can't even deal with it. Or you see something happen and you walk past it and you think oh shit, I really wished I had stood up and said something. I really wished I had voiced my opinion. Even though everyone else did, I wish I had as well because you walk away and you just feel a little icky inside because you didn't really stand up for that true value of who you are. Yeah? That's what this is about. That's what that foundational core is because when you know really who you are, it doesn't matter what anyone else says because you know who you are. It doesn't matter when you hit a roadblock because you at your core know who you are. Doesn't even matter when you get angry because you know that is who you are and as long as you take ownership of it, it doesn't make it so scary. Yeah? It's an uncomfortable question for a lot of people and... even with knowing what you want to do and what your passion is and what your purpose is and what your path may be, for me when I always check in with who am I, it makes it an easier decision of even if I want to take a job or not. I don't want that icky feeling anymore. When I was young I could deal with it. When I was young I didn't know as much as I do now. I don't want that feeling anymore. I want to be authentic. I want to stand in what works for me and really what I believe in and what I can bring. So asking who you are and I really encourage you to work on it. Write the ugly down. You know, psychologists call it a bunch of things. I'm fascinated by it. Probably because I see it in myself. Shadow, right? Shadow work, all of those kind of things. There is balance in everything. Including us. So we can't all be light and roses. There has to be some other side to that. And knowing what that is. It took me a really long time to work out the anger that I had when I was a young girl, teenager into my late teens into my early 20s. I was angry all the time, like just angry at the world and it took me a long time to work out why I was so angry. You know, part of it was oh you're a teenager, that's how they are. That's how teenagers roll, that's what happens. And it took me a long time to work out where does that anger come from and it wasn't until actually I started to move in to my 30s I would start to control it a little bit more but it was a control thing. It was like an animal that I had caged and when the cage got left open and the beast got angry it would jump out and it would be like oh, I got scared! I got scared of myself. I was like oh, that's scary. Get back in that cage over there. When I started to get into my 40s, I started to know that's gonna make me angry. Of I talk to that person they're gonna do my head in, they're gonna make me angry and it's gonna get ugly. So you start to understand it more and it really has been this last 10 year journey and it's not because of TV. It just happened that... I don't know, the universe decided just put it all on you at once, which is great that I really understood what my buttons are and how I can control them and how I can just not go into that situation or if I do go into that situation, know this is going to do my head in and this is what I need to do to make sure I manage it otherwise there's no cleaning up the mess or the things that'll come out of my mouth. So work on this. (audience laughs) You know that, I know you do, you're laughing. We all do, we all do it. The problem is that it has a consequence. We're free to choose whatever we want to do but we're not free from the consequences of our choices. We're not, We're free to choose what we want to do but those choices have a consequence to them. And often it's that darker side, when it is anger. When it's jealousy. When it's those things that come up that we don't like about ourselves so much, there is a lot of collateral damage because normally someone else is on the receiving end or you're hurting yourself. You're sabotaging yourself. You're setting yourself up to fail. You're setting yourself up to not be able to move through. And then what happens? You go, oh, well yeah, that's right. It's not meant to be for me. I'm not meant to have that life. We start to make excuses, yeah? We go into denial, we make excuses, and then what happens, happens again. Yeah, I'm not meant to date. I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Instead of turning inwardly. Once you've asked yourself "who are you?" I want you to set, the point of this exercise is to see how self-aware you are, right? We're not very self-aware anymore. We're too distracted. Distractions is wonderful thing because it comes up in many ways and we will talk about this a lot more. One of the ways that distraction works is to stop you from taking action because you're scared. To not think about it because I don't want to think about it. I don't want to name that thing that I am because it makes it real and if I name it, I've got to own it and take responsibility for it and I don't want to take responsibility for it so if I go on my phone, go for a walk, go out for a drink, do something else, and just keep moving, it's behind me, it's not going to catch up. So we're like this all the time. We're on this train hoping that the train's never going to break down and all the shit's just still walking along behind you. (audience laughs) It's not going anywhere and it just gets heavier and heavier. You just keep dragging more and more of it along with you and we're taught to not be that self-aware. It's too indulgent. It's too selfish. Some people think it's a little too new agey, not here, thank God. But again, self-awareness is the building block in the foundation to knowing who you are. It's also the building block to transformation. If you aren't self-aware, you can't change anything. If you can't name it, feel it, identify it, and know what it is, how the hell are you going to change it? You can't. So being self-aware even when it doesn't feel so good sometimes and even when it feels a little uncomfortable is the only way to get true and lasting change is by having that awareness. And stripping it all down and being really honest and taking ownership of what it is. Again, many of you know I had a great business. I was really successful. I had a great business, a great staff, everything was rosy and I was off filming a little TV show. Thought I was doing everything great. Had a fantastic manager, really good business. Money wasn't a problem, lots of money was coming in. I thought my staff were really happy. I would check in from the road, make sure everyone was feeling good, everything was okay, they had everything they needed, and I made it clear to everyone that I was yes, filming a TV show which yes, was good for business as well and something I really loved and I felt that we would all benefit from that. That would be a benefit to myself and to my staff. Came home and... it's funny, not funny ha-ha but funny. My mother was in the hospital. So I'd just come home and then I was out again because I had to go to the hospital and I came back to work and I had this really weird feeling. Just this gut feeling. I checked in with everyone, had like a little meeting with everyone. I'm sorry I've been away and you know, mum's in hospital, it's been really rough. You know, I'm really sorry but I'm back now. Is everything okay, you okay? Good, you're okay? Same thing, every single person, right? Just went round the circle. Checked in with everyone, apologized, I'm sorry I've been M.I.A. I really get it. I'm not ignoring you I've just been doing all these things and then mum got sick and the timings really bad but I'm back, I'm here for you. I love you guys, you've rock. Saturday, any hairdresser knows, money day. Busy day Saturday, right? Clients come in, it's the day that you rock. Powerful Saturday, powered through, worked all day, got to the end of it absolutely exhausted. Went outside to have a break for a second. Staff member number one: Today will be my last day, I'm gonna pack up my stuff and go. Staff member number two: Today will be my last day, I'm gonna pack up my stuff and I'm gonna go. Staff member number three: Today will be my last day, I'm gonna pack up my stuff and I'm gonna go. Staff member number four: I'm gonna pack up my stuff, today with my last day, I'm gonna go. Just kept going. The last person that came to me, I honestly just sat there. I don't even remember what happened anymore. I was so gobsmacked and gutted by each one coming that I couldn't even move. I felt like I was made of marble and my body just physically couldn't even move and I wasn't sure what was going on. My last staff member came out to me who was the longest person that had been with me. It was like a little brother. I mean he meant everything to me. He was a receptionist in another salon. When I went there I helped him. He was my assistant, he grew up, I just watched his career flourish and get married and he was family to me. We'd been together 14 years and he came out and he's a jokester, you know, he's a jokey kind of guy. And he was like I hate to tell you, with a smile on his face and I kind of needed that because I felt like crap. My world had just crumbled. It felt like my world had just imploded on me and my business in the process. And I was trying to process all this information. He comes out he kind of makes a joke and I laughed because I needed a laugh. I needed a bit of love and I was like ha-ha-ha. And he went no, I hate to tell you this. And I thought he was gonna tell me a joke, right? Like don't worry I've got you back, I love you. We'll do this, we'll rise from the ashes, right? That's what I think we're going to, that's my expectation. And he went today is my last day, I'm gonna pack up my stuff and leave. I was crushed. He crushed me. The others paralyzed me because I was scared and I was hurt but I was scared. Not to say they didn't mean anything. It wasn't personal, with him it was personal. We'd been together so long and it was really, he was family for me. And when came and told me that he was going as well, I couldn't breathe, it was the worst feeling ever. And I had pretty much lost my business in the span of an hour. I don't remember going home actually, I really don't. I do not remember going home. I remember crawling into bed. I stayed in bed, was not getting out of the bed for love nor money. There were many cups of tea, believe me they don't make everything better. (audience laughs) And I just stayed in bed and I cried my eyes out. And Monday morning, I got up, went to a grocery store, I bought Clorox, went to church, got holy water, went and bought sage. (audience laughs) I did, I covered every base. I didn't even know what I was doing. Like I really didn't, it's funny now but I didn't know what I was doing. I just knew that I needed, I felt so violated which is a silly word to use for that but I felt violated by them. And I felt so used that I just needed to clean any way I could. So I was calling in this, you know, God, I was calling in the spirits and the angels and I was cleaning the cooties away, right? Like it was just get rid of it and I went in and I scrubbed every single speck of my business on my hands and knees until I couldn't breathe from all the fumes of the bleach and the sage, it was quite intoxicating. And started calling clients and started again. The reason I'm telling you that story is because when you know who you are, you know that is possible. I didn't know if it would be possible. When i sat there crying in bed and I was locking myself away, I really didn't know if it would be possible. But I did because I kept hearing myself, you'll get through this. You've been through worse than this. This will be okay. It's gonna be rough but you'll do it again. So knowing who you are and having that self-awareness is incredibly important. So let's talk about self-awareness. Sorry that was just an awful story. We need some sage and bleach in here and maybe a glass of bubbles to like clean it all out, make it happy again. So self-awareness is the foundation and building blocks of who you are, how you're gonna get through things, finding out what your passion is, setting up your resilience, all of those kind of things. It's also the toolbox to set you up with the right coping mechanism so when something like that happened, that I just told you, you've got that toolbox there. So you're like alright, what part of the toolbox my gonna grab? What do I need for this one? It's knowing when you get into those situations that bring out that anger. This is gonna piss me off, right? What's in the toolbox? What am I going to bring out? That's what really having self-awareness is about. It's your own toolbox. It's knowing your buttons. It's knowing what pushes you. It's knowing how to control them. It's knowing what works for you and what doesn't. So you can set up your boundaries. So you can know that, you know what, when I said I'm an introvert and I'm sure many of you are, we're everywhere. The other side of that is I could literally lock myself in my house and never come out. Now that online has made it so easy for stuff to be delivered. (audience laughs) I mean, I could not come out, right? Sometimes I have to force myself out. I know that about myself. I know when it's starting to get unhealthy that I've locked myself away. I'm a caregiver by nature. I know that sometimes that's a not good place for me to be in because I want to take care of everyone. You start giving me the sob stories or just telling me that you need something from me and I just naturally want to give it to you and that doesn't make me a bad person but it means that I would never have any juice for myself. I would be so depleted that I wouldn't be able to function if I did that for everyone all the time. So having self-awareness is knowing those little things about yourself. I now know that sometimes when I get really, really hungry, I get really, really angry. I know that silly. Took me a really long time to work that out. I spent so many years starving myself. No wonder I was miserable all the time. It took me a while to realize that now, I get a little hungry, girl needs to eat. There all the coping mechanisms so when your staff do walk out, or the relationship ends, or something happens you go, I've got that the toolbox. We can, don't know how. Doesn't make it easier. Again, there's no you know unicorns and fairy dust here. I'm not going to give you, this is the key and life's going to be perfect. Here's the golden ticket for you. Go off and have a good time. But it lets you know that you can cope with it and it lets you look at it in a different way because often what we do is, I'm just an angry person. Well, I'm just you know an empath and that's all I do is, just have to care. No, it isn't. It's knowing those boundaries and knowing, having that self-awareness to be able to change it and to make it what it is that you need it to be. And the key to doing that is finding out who you are. That's where it starts and then working through your triggers, which we're going to. How are we so far, are we good? Yes. ugh, I'm still getting over that bloody story. (audience laughs) Sorry. You know, the other thing with self-awareness is, we all do it, I practice this all the time. I put my expectations on other people. And what happens when you do that? When you put your expectations on someone else. Disappointed, upset, feel let down. You can't do that. Your expectations are yours. You can't expect people to behave like you, to act how you would in a situation. It's one of the biggest mistakes that business owner make. I expect my staff to do this. That's great you have that expectation of them, it doesn't mean they're going to because they're not you. They're just not you. So it's making sure with ourselves that we don't put our expectations on someone else because we're just setting ourselves up to fail. We're setting ourselves up to be miserable all the time because no one is going to behave like you. No one's gonna act like you. No one's gonna do what you would in a situation because we're all different. And when you're aware enough, you realize that I'm forcing my belief and how, sometimes it's I want you to do it my way so I don't have to do it 'cause my way is the better way. That's your ego talking. That's what that is. That's ego that's talking. But it's realizing that you can't force your expectations onto someone else, they're just yours and you have to manage them otherwise you're continually going to be disappointed. Expectations are the goals that you have for the outcome of a situation. It's your personal goal, not the other person's. That's what it is. It's your wish of how it's going to happen and I know I've got business owners in here. How many times have you expected your staff to act one way and they don't and you're like, what? Why wouldn't you do that? That's why when we're dealing with other people, it's not having, I have an expectation of you. I have a rule, here's a manual, here's why we're going to do it. Often when you tell people why, even yourself, and you question why. That's simple little three words can make a difference because some of us, are questioners by nature. We just question ever everything. Some of us are deniers, we deny everything. Some of us are just sheep. We'll go with flow, we'll do whatever. Some of us are rebels. As soon as you tell me to do something, I'm gonna tell you go to hell. That's just how, that's how we work. We fall into these different categories but when you say why, here's why I want you to do it. Here's the buy-in for you. Here's why I need you to behave this way because here is what the payoff is for us. Here is why if we communicate this way, it's gonna make it better for us moving forward because we're clear and we're not gonna step over each other's boundaries and we're going to know where we're going. Here's why I'm asking you to not waste this paper in the office because if you waste that, it's going to cost me money and I'm not going to be able to buy that new photocopy machine that you wanted so badly. As soon as you break it down in the why, people go oh, okay. Same thing for us. So asking yourself why is a really, is a really big thing and expecting people to do things that you would do is really only going to set yourself up for disappointment.

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Ratings and Reviews

a Creativelive Student

Tabatha was a keynote speaker for our Fall Portrait Master's workshop. I was excited to listen to her talk, after watching her shows. She's honest, upfront, transparent and this course was amazing! I bought it for $29.00 but I would easily say it's worth the $89 dollar investment too! It's easy to follow, full of great inspiration, and moving your forward in your business, your life and in general. She's fabulous! I have watch this more than once, and her Keynote talk as well. Since listening to this I purchased her books (one audio) and she's in my ear frequently. LOVE her! I would have loved to have participated in her class. This isn't just for hairstylists either - it's for anyone who's looking to overcome what holds you back, how to move forward and move to a thriving successful empowered business.

Trevor Beattie

I had the pleasure and honour of participating in this class in person. Like all of you, I have enjoyed watching Tabatha for the last 10 years on television. We have all witnessed her steer and assist people in finding the direction and inner strength they needed to address their lives in a direct, honest, straight forward approach. This course gives you a small glimpse behind the curtain into what empowers, drives and has shaped this remarkable woman. It takes great strength, confidence and incredible courage to take a negative brand label like "bitch" and turn it into a symbol of pride and power. I was proud to join her on this introspective journey where she shares her life experiences and lessons to help each and every person find their inner power and silence their fears.

Tara Baxagocsy

I was lucky enough to be in the studio audience for this class (and then shocked when I was pulled up to be asked questions about my narrative!). This class was WAY beyond what I had expected. I knew it would be amazing because Tabatha is such a wonderful and effective mentor, but it was life-altering. She digs deep into self-awareness in an accessible way. She has innovative insight into teaching personal transformation and her honesty and vulnerability made this class better than any self-help book I've ever read or workshop I've attended. What a gift she gives to us all! Give yourself the most self-loving present you can and invest in this class! It's worth SO much more!

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