Dealing with Disappointments and Outcomes
How do you deal with disappointments? How do you deal with negative outcomes? How do you deal with all the stuff, right, that comes at you? How do you deal with your staff walking out? How do you deal with buying that business, and it didn't work out the way you thought it was gonna work out with for you? How do you deal with maybe the phone call that I got? How do you deal with your own phone call? How you deal with disappointment and the outcomes of whatever it is that you're going through is a really important question to ask yourself. How do I deal? How do I deal with things? Am I a runner? Am I a worrier? Do I face it down? Do I get pissed off and get angry? 'Cause my fear kicks in, do I get really angry? Do I roll over? Do I give in, do I give up? How do you deal with your outcomes? And it's okay to deal with them anyway, but you have to feel what those outcomes are. Here's the thing as humans. We feel. We can't stop our feelings. Our feelings just run through us whether we want ...
them there or not. Right? We're feeling human beings. We can't control the feelings. We can control the outcomes. We can control the feeling we want. If we took all our feelings away, we'd become robots. That would be miserable. It's controlling those feelings. It's choosing the feeling that I want to move forward. When you're someone that doesn't deal with outcomes very well, whether it's in life and personally or as a business owner, often stamp your feet and spit your dummy, right, like a toddler does, because you didn't get your own way. Wah. (audience laughter) Woe is me. Why is everyone against me? Right? You just give up. Cannot tell you how many times I've had a business owner say to me, well that's it. I'm out, I'm done. Just give up. I give up. Never gonna win, so I just give up. Have you ever said that to yourself? I just give up. I just give in. You know what? It's much easier to do what they want anyway. I'm just gonna give in to what they want. It's easier. Giving in to those kind of emotions is not going to move you forward. It's not gonna give you the momentum. And remember, you're always free to choose how you wanna feel. When you give in, when you give up, when you let people tell you what to do, when you become paralyzed with fear, your life will never change. Your business will never change. Do you know the majority of the owners that I go into and their businesses, because their businesses start, it's a small seed that gets planted. Right? It's a small thing that will happen. And they don't wanna pluck out that weed. They don't wanna offend anyone. They're too scared. They don't wanna lose anyone. They're scared someone might leave or they might offend someone. They become scared, then they become complacent, because this is just how it is. So you know what? It's just how it is. They get comfortable in it, and they don't even see the things that aren't working anymore, because they're comfortable in the things that aren't working. They're comfortable in the dysfunction of what is going wrong. They couldn't break through it because of their fear. They got comfortable in the dysfunction, because they became complacent. And one problem became five, became 15, became 85, and so it goes. Because nothing was ever done, because they were too scared to address it. So what started out as $10,000 debt all of a sudden is 150,000, because it just kept going. And not confronting that fear and not dealing with the outcome, because the outcome could be yes your staff could leave. Yes some people may not like you. And that's okay. Kinda sucks, because we all wanna be liked. We all wanna be valued. But some people just may not like you. That's okay. Move on. Go to the next group. Maybe that's the better group anyway. Right? Maybe you're scared because you don't know what the path and what the life is going to be. But you have to try. What are you gonna do, just sit here in the fear and let it just keep passing you by like you're sitting in the middle of a freeway, and all the cars are going? No. Same with your outcomes. If it fails, it's fine. Great learning experience. If you can't find the friends, depend on yourself. Have your self-esteem. Have your own internal dialogue and self-esteem, the right ones will come along. Does that make sense? It's how you deal with those outcomes. Because when you give in, give up, and get angry, it's not gonna work. I wanna talk about how emotionally resilient you are, and I would love Devin and Annette to come up. Have a seat. I'm gonna stand. Yes I'm bringing you up together. Ladies first Annette. So tell me, how do you deal with outcomes? How do you deal with the things we've talked about? Fear, outcomes, moving forward?
I am the queen of procrastination.
If there's something, I know what I need to do. I make lists. I set goals. And then I deliberately distract myself or I do. I find myself just avoiding the very things I know I need to do to move forward. And I let myself down, and then because I let myself down, then I don't believe myself the next time I set goals. So.
So you have the narrative that goes on in your head.
So, luckily I don't, I'm stubborn, and I don't quit. So I keep trekking, and I make tiny progress. But I feel like I wanna make a lot more progress.
So I have a question.
It sounds like it is a little habitual. Right? This is a pattern for you.
That you keep doing this, and then procrastinating, and doing the lists.
But not really following through.
Right? And then beat yourself up, but then try again.
Okay. Have you considered changing that pattern to get a different outcome?
Yes. I'm trying to. Yeah, I mean I have, but I guess I just don't know how to break through my fear. I get so frustrated with myself. Like you know what you need to do. Why didn't you do that? You know?
Do you know why you procrastinate so much?
As lame as it sounds, I'm afraid of succeeding. (laughs)
Not lame, we just talked about it.
I know. But it's, you know. How could you want something and then be afraid to get it? It's so dumb.
Can we talk about it for a second?
Why are you afraid of succeeding? Tell me what your biggest fear of being a success would be.
If I put, it's the imposter syndrome. If I put myself out there, everybody will, you know, maybe I'll get out there and people will be like she don't know what she's doing. You know? It's I'll get out there, or I'll put myself out there, and then I'll fall on my face, and then I'll, you know, that voice inside my head, it was right all along. Right? That, you know, come on. You can't, you know. What makes you think you're gonna succeed? That kinda, that dumb voice. You know? And so I guess I'm afraid of succeeding in the sense that I get out there.
No it makes sense.
Yeah. It's like I.
Can you guys relate to that.
It's a fear of success. And it shows up in a lot of different ways. Right? Procrastination is a fear. Right? When we talk about fear, how it shows its face, how it manifests itself in different ways, procrastination is one of them. Because the more you procrastinate, the longer, right, you put off the inevitable.
So you just, it's like having too much information, and then you get analysis paralysis. And it's like, ooh, I've got too much information. (audience laughter) I don't know what to do now. Was on Google too much. Right? Like just too much is there.
I need to do more research before I can do that.
Yes. You see? (audience laughter) So we overload ourselves. We overload ourselves on too much information. And then it's like, well now I just don't know what to do, because this list over here said this. That one over there said that. That one here says this. Tabatha said that. I don't know what to do, so I'll do nothing, because it's easier.
That's your critter brain that I talked about before. That critter brain grabs hold, and that's what it does. It keeps you safe. So it's asking yourself why.
Which we are gonna work on in a second.
Okay? But the other part that fear shows up for is procrastination. Because the longer you procrastinate, the longer it is until you have to face the fear and do it. And sometimes that's much more comfortable than actually looking down the barrel of the fear. Does that make sense?
So thank you. I'm gonna invite you up later.
'Cause I have something for you to do.
That I think will help you.
Yes Devin. (audience laughter)
well thank you.
So tell me. How does fear show up for you? What do you think fear is holding you back from?
Well it's interesting 'cause I have two answers for that. One that I probably had when I signed up for this class, and then one that's changed since. Because I've been doing some internal spiritual work. And what I find is I relied too much on other people's opinion of me when I was growing up. I think probably because things just came natural to me. Apparently, I'm attractive. People like, I'm funny, that kind of stuff. But anyways.
My god, that's such a burden to wear. (audience laughter)
I attracted all these people that took that away from me, and I listened to much to others, and I found my worth based off of them. And so I went to Hollywood, and I had a modicum of success, and I lucked into it. I met a girl in makeup school, and she got a job, and then I got a job from her job. And so it was like I kind of walked into success. And so I never trusted it. I never believed. Even though I looked for other people to find my worth, I never really believed them when they gave me what I saw in myself. So now, since I signed up for this class, I've been doing that internal work, and I realize that fear right now still is showing up as talking myself out of things. I'm afraid that I'm gonna, now that I've worked so hard on finding myself, fear shows up for me as in I don't wanna give up, I don't wanna go back to that crazy meth head I was when I was working in Hollywood basically. And that takes a lot to say that on a place that's being recorded, because I never ever wanted to admit that truth. But you're right.
Good for you.
If you don't admit it, then you can't change it.
Good for you really.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean that.
So thank you.
That's, thank you.
Yeah. (audience applause)
'Cause that's a big thing to talk about.
Yeah. I'm here for me, and everybody else is just incidental. So thanks for showing up. (laughter)
So do you see how that fear though, because that's interesting that you've kind of gotten your head around that and had that breakthrough while you're here.
So that fear shows up in different ways.
The fear shows up as if I get that success, then that means I'm gonna go back to that person again.
That means that I'm going to be that version of myself that I didn't like, and got into things that I didn't wanna do and all of that. So if I don't go back to success, I keep myself safe.
Right? Your critter brain's like yeah baby. Let's just sit here.
'Cause it's much better to stay here safe, because when I had that success, then it sounds like kinda went to hell in a hand basket. Right?
Other things happened. Maybe a little bit too much fun. Different environment, partied, all of. I don't wanna go back to that, so I'm just gonna keep myself right here, so I don't have to face that fear.
Does that make sense?
Or make that mistake. I'm afraid of that mistake again I guess.
Yeah, thank you.
And we all do that in different ways. Right? Thank you for doing that. It may not be that way, right, as it is for Devin. But it's a way we do it. So it was when i was saying, if I lose weight, that's going to be. To be successful, I don't care if it's losing weight, if it's having a good career, if it's making a lot of money, if it's having a great relationship, you have to work at it. It doesn't come easy. You need to put in the work and the sweat equity into it. Right? But as we change, and as things your level of success changes, your life changes. Doesn't mean that you go out and buy fancy cars and diamonds. It doesn't, that splashiness, I don't mean that, but your life changes. Right? You're vibing at a different zone. You're looking at different things because of your success. Maybe you are making more money. And maybe that does put you in a different bracket to your friends. Maybe losing weight, maybe you have friends, and what your clique is, and what you all get together and talk about is how much weight you need to lose. Right? So for you to actually do it, well I can't talk about that anymore, because I've lost it. So I'm gonna break my connection with my friends. Right? If my girlfriends and I, we all get together and talk about we wanna get married, and we wanna man, and we wanna partner, and we wanna relationship, and life sucks. All of a sudden if I go out and get one, what am I gonna talk to them about? (audience laughter) We're gonna have nothing to talk about anymore. Right? That's how fear shows up. Fear shows up. because it wants you to stay safe. You can be successful. If you've done this for yourself, you can be successful and not go back to that other person. I have no shadow of a doubt. And now you know your triggers.
Right? So you know what that button is. So you can be this new version of success and not go back to that other one. You have to believe it and not be scared. And that's what fear does and how it shows up. So dealing with your disappointments, right, because that was a disappointment, shouldn't paralyze us either. Just we all have road bumps. Right? We all have, we all have things that are gonna bump in the road and speed bumps. You have to not give into them.