Who do you want to be?
So you know who you are, you're self-aware, you're looking at all of those things, and then the question becomes who do you want to be? All that reasons we've just talked about, I don't wanna be angry anymore, what do I do, how do I manage it? I don't want my staff to be scared of me anymore, so who do I wanna be, how do I manage it? Right? I don't to ever have another walkout, so what do I do, how do I manage it? What did I learn about myself? How do I not do that again? It's not a failure, it's a learning experience, it's a redirection, right? What I learned about myself was invaluable. So who do you wanna be is the next question to build this toolbox and build this foundation of who you are. And this is where the change starts to come in, and your incentive to change has to be greater than your incentive to stay the same, which is where the why comes in, because often we sit and we go if only, I want, I wish, if only I could, right? But we often know inside what we want and what we ...
need but it doesn't mean we're doing it, and it doesn't mean we have it, because the incentive isn't enough for us. If you wanna change careers, if you want to change the way you behave to get a different end result, anything you want, you have to have that desire there, that's your incentive. The incentive to change has to be stronger than your incentive to stay the same, and it starts with desire. So what do you wanna be, now that we're clear on all of that, I want you to think about and identify the core of who you are and your beliefs, and now that you have that clearer picture, where do you wanna make those changes? What is your incentive for making those changes? My incentive was to manage my anger because I found it frightening, right. When I get really angry, and have those moments, I found them really just horrible, I hated them about myself, and I didn't wanna do that, I didn't wanna say the things that I said, I didn't wanna hit below the belt with my mouth and say things that you cannot take back because I know what that feels like when they're said to me. So my incentive to change was because I just didn't want that beast to come out, and I didn't want it to come out, it was bad enough it came out on the people that pushed my buttons which typically were family, right, it was bad enough they came out on them, I definitely didn't want it to come out on anyone else. So I had a strong incentive. What is yours? Anyone have anything they'd like to share? God, you're all so quiet. (audience laughing) I want you to set this up though because when we talk about passion which we're going to, this is a big question. So, again, who you wanna be is in two ways, what parts of myself do I wanna change, and this is now my roadmap of where do I wanna be, what is that career change, what is that next step, what is that expansion because if we become stagnant, we just die. And a lot of us are making a living but we're not living. Right, we're on the gerbil wheel doing all the things, we're working our bums off to, like, pay our bills, right, take care of everything, doing all of that, but we're really not living. When you really sit down and think about what just fires you up and makes you happy, and sets you on fire and gets you going, and makes you feel really good, what could you get lost in for hours, right? What do you start and then go, oh my God, five hours have gone by. You know that feeling that you get when it's just, or if you feel like crap, you feel sick and you're tired, and you just don't wanna get out of bed, but it gets you up, the thought that you're going to go and do that excites you, and it sets you on fire, and you get that little butterfly feeling, right? That's who I wanna be. I want that all the time. And that's what I want you to think about because many of us really are just making this living, but we're not living. We're not getting those butterflies, we're not getting that excitement for this is what I want to do, this is how I'm going to do it. When you know what you want to do and who you want to be, you can make a roadmap of how you're gonna get there. That gives you incentive to make that change. When you don't have that incentive, and you don't have a roadmap, you feel like you're floundering. That's when you walk around going, I don't wanna be right here where I am right now 'cause I'm not loving it, but don't know where else to go so I'm just gonna stay right here. (audience laughing) Right, right here is better than over there 'cause I don't know if I wanna be over there, yeah? So you just stay there. You basically just become stagnant. And typically the next step of that is to become complacent, because then you become really comfortable, then you become, it's like your sweats and your UGGS, and it's super comfy, and it's just okay and it's nice and cozy in here, and then when you become complacent, it's so comfortable that any kind of movement, any kind of action, any kind of stretch, any kind of change is like, don't wanna do that, right, because it's comfy. So that complacency zone is a false sense of comfort, because yes it is comfortable for sure, and we all like our comfort, but the only comfort that it really gives you is to become really stagnant, and to just sit and to have no momentum and to have no forward motion and no roadmap of where the hell to go, and how am I gonna get there, so you just say I can't, I won't, it's never gonna happen for me, I give up, right? That's where you live and that's a terrible place, that's a terrible place to live. So I want you to think about if there was nothing that can stop you, take the money out, right, you didn't have to worry about money, you didn't have to worry about other people's opinions, didn't have to worry about what anyone would think or say or listen to the peanut gallery. Who do you want to be without no outside distraction at all, do you know? See, just the question alone makes everyone look a little perplexed. Right? It's a big question. What's the choice? Sometimes it's not that big a choice, sometimes it's an adjustment. So what happens when we try and make change? Scary, uncomfortable, start to freeze, right? What happens and we talked about this so you guys I'm sure know how our brain reacts, right? This part of who do I wanna be because I'm asking you to make change, and what your incentive is, this is the part and I could see it on looks on your faces. I gave you a hypothetical question that you could do anything, right? You didn't have to worry about money, you didn't have to worry about anyone judging you, there was no one that's gonna say that idea is ridiculous, it's never gonna work. There was none of that, it was just you alone with your imagination of what you wanted, and you all looked petrified. It stopped you for a minute. You were like, oh, right? It was hypothetical and that was the reaction I got. So when it's real, imagine what it's like. It's paralysis, right? It's that I just can't move. It's that cement feeling that I told you I had, I'm marble, and I just can't get out of this marble. That's the feeling. And that's your brain kicking in and saying keep me safe, keep me safe, keep me safe, keep me safe. That's our critter brain, right? Our critter brain's only function is to keep us safe. That's it. Fight or flight. Keep us safe. It's first part of our brain that kicks in in everything that we do. So as soon as you start talking about changing something, that's why people get so stuck and become complacent because it's comfy, right. It's those sweatpants that are comfy, because the other side of that is change as soon as you take that step over here, when you take the step over to the change part, that's where it's like, can't, can't, right? I'm gonna go back in to my nice sweats and take the heels off, it's much better for me. Especially when you are an introvert, right, sensitive, take on other people's emotions, need other people for validation. See why this toolbox is important now? All the things that stopped you that come up against us all the time, every single one of us, myself included. That's why realizing as well that your critter brain is going to kick in, what you wanna do is, again, why? It's a way to retrain your brain and give it the incentive, why? Because this is going to make us much more comfortable in the future, because this is going to be fun, because this is going to give us the house we wanted, because this is going to give us the children that we want, because this is going to build the business that we want, because this is going to, right, see how that works? You give it the incentive to start to take that change on board, and all of a sudden it feels like, oh, you're not trying to get rid me, you're not trying to cage me, right, you're not trying to hurt me, you're not gonna do anything that's gonna be painful to me, you just want to do this because it's good for us. It's like a symphony inside your head, you know that, don't you? We all have it. I call them snakes 'cause I'm not particularly scared of them, but I don't really like them. So all the snakes in your head that just keep swirling around and climbing everywhere, right, of all the different things. So even having that conversation from who you wanna be, as soon as you identify whether it changes, that's where your stopping point will be. That's where you need to ask yourself why, give yourself the incentive, talk through what is going to happen if we stay right here. If we don't move out of where we are right here, what's gonna happen? Right, am I gonna wake up and be 85, and still right here, the same? Everything will be the same? That's scary and sad, isn't it, right? What would happen if we just took a little step to the left, there's a bit more room, there's little bit more space over here. That's what why does for you, and that's what giving yourself the incentive is, because until you're clear, I don't care what it is, I don't care if it's for your person or for your business. I liken this to business because a lot of people relate to this. This is your brand. This is building your brand, right? We talked about in business we build our brand, who do we want to attract in to our business, who do we wanna sell to, who's the perfect person that's gonna buy our stuff, who we're trying to attract out there in the marketplace, what do they look like, what do they like, what are they into. For a personal aspect, this is that part of it, this is your brand. This is the identity part of you that is the brand that sets you up to know how to move forward, right? Once I have that in my business plan, I know this is what I need to do, I need to go to the bank and I need to get my money, I need to go over here to the real estate person, I need to hire over here, I need to build out here, I need to order stock here, I need to train there, right? It sets you up for what you're going to do. This is the same. Asking yourself why. List out your incentives for change. What is my incentive to be this new person I'm asking myself to be? What do I get from this? It's not gonna happen overnight. You're going to have to be consistent, you're going to have to try all the time, right, until it becomes habitual. There's no button. I didn't turn the anger off. I just identified it, and realized that if I do something different, it changes. Yeah? That's what you need to do for yourselves. But first it comes with making a list of identifying what the outcome is that you want for yourself. Again don't assume. Sometimes we think the grass is greener, we get over there and go, oh, it got way more weeds than I've got. My grass is much more lush, right? So stepping over to that other side and to that greener grass that you think it is, it's easy but then you get there and you don't wanna stay, then you start saying to myself, am I never happy? Am I always questioning everything? because you didn't have your incentive, you didn't have the reason of what this would do for me. Why I want to move over? Why do I need to make the change? Maybe I'm alienating people, maybe I'm not a successful leader. I'll go back to my story and tell you the button of it, of what I learned from that is although I thought I was doing everything properly, although I thought that by having the product there and a manager there, and checking in on phone every now and then, and telling everyone that this was all for us, and we would all benefit because we did, I physically wasn't there. I wasn't there. I had abandoned the ship. Right, and as a business owner and a leader, I'm the captain. I can't abandon the ship and I did, I walked away from it. So how did everyone feel in my business? Abandoned, like they didn't matter, like the tv show meant more than they did, like I was probably going to go forever, right, I was never gonna come back even though I said I would. And if I didn't care about them, why would they care about me? And they were right. They're 100% right because their feelings were valid. And when I could take a step back and put perspective and a little space on the situation, I realized that they were right in feeling all of those things. Just because I can stand here today and say they're right and actually not get angry about it shows you progress right there, right? It also shows that yes, there has been progress in myself with that. What a big lesson it was, and I have a map going forward, right, I have a map going forward of what I need to realize because I do have a tendency in my list of all the attributes and not so attributes of my personality, I take on sometimes more than I can handle, right. I definitely bite off more than I can chew. I'm a yes girl. Yes, let's get it done. Yes, let's go and do it. Yes, I can do that absolutely. Right, that's me. And in that yes sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that you can't keep on top of everything, and if you do, you feel at the end like you're dead, right? You've just burned yourself out so much because you've depleted everything out of you. So having my self-awareness, having my walkout, dipping into who I really am has taught me that sometimes my strengths are my weaknesses, right, sometimes my weaknesses are actually my strengths, and now I feel much better as a rounded person to look at those that I can handle many more situations that get thrown at me. And remember because we're all different ages in here, okay. I just hit 50 so it's kind of in the next decade of life. We are all different ages, and I know a lot of the people that are watching this are different ages as well. We continually change. Right? If you think about who you were when you were a teenager, how different do you think you are to now? Different, right? Some attributes are the same, some attributes probably haven't changed at all, but I'm sure many have, because your skillset has grown, your experience has grown, the world has grown for you. It's a different world for you now than it was when you were a kid or a teenager. So through all of that has allowed you to grow, and of course, change. And some of those changes were so tiny and minute and incremental and they build overtime that your critter brain didn't have a time, have a chance to try and stop you because they were these little things that just kind of happened overtime, right? And we do change, I can definitely say that I'm different 10 years on than I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago. Who knows, 10 more years, if I'm still alive and kicking, we'll all check back in and have a little reunion, I might be different again, I'm not sure. But that's something that a lot of people say to me, "Well, I've changed so much," like it's a bad thing. That's where checking in with yourself, finding where your anchor and your rudder is. Checking in with what is your motivator in life, what is your motivating factor in life, is a good thing and you should do it often, and you should just sit with yourself to do that. We're good so far? Do we have any online?
We have loads of
Anything. People online, hello online!
I keep looking through and they kind of--
I know, I saw you typing frantically, so I thought I'd check.
It's actually really good that you kind of explained a little bit why people had left in that situation you had with your business because you had so many people online saying, "Why did they go? "Why did they leave?" "How did that conclude?" Like they were all like, "We wanna know the end of this story," and also just that your stories kind of really bring like, evoke a really a kind of visual aspect for people at home and watching online. So thank you for everybody who is interacting with us online. So, for example, Shirley is saying, "Being where I am right now is more scary "than where I want to be," which perhaps people can associate with in taking that move forward. Carrie had said, "I want to be successful at my job "and be available and there for my family "without feeling guilty about not being at my business "and always worrying about my business." Is that something that you find people--
Absolutely. As a business owner, any business owner that is trying to juggle a business, a relationship, a family, friendships, and self-care time, it is exhausting, and it's a really hard juggle, right? You guys, I know a lot of you own businesses. It's a really hard thing to struggle with. So, again, I'm going to go back to this toolkit. It is imperative and necessary to set up your boundaries, and what is right for you. You cannot serve water from an empty vessel, you cannot. And when you're an empty vessel because you're so busy trying to juggle, your business is over here, your family and your kids are over there, your spouse is up here, right, your friend is somewhere, something is going to fracture, something is going to crack, something is going to shift. Sometimes it's your relationship, right, sometimes it's you, you suffer, sometimes it's your family suffers, sometimes it's your business that suffers. And you have to be able to set that boundary in a healthy way so you don't feel guilty, you don't feel like you're being a bad person of what is important for me and how am I going to do it, because when you are a full vessel, you can serve many people and do it in a really great way, right, including yourself. So a lot of people struggle with that, and a lot of women struggle with that because they're trying to take care of their kids and raise their kids, and wanna be there for everyone. And sometimes they do a great job of being there for everyone except the one person they need to be there for which is themselves, because then they feel so depleted and ran down that they're not there for themselves anymore, right? And dads do the same thing. And can I go back to the earlier question or comment that was there, saying that not being in a great place right now. Could you just read that for me again, I'm sorry?
Somebody said that being where they are right now seems more scary than where they could end up going, and where they want to be.
I felt that way and I felt like where I am right now is just so scary that I don't know how to move through as well, and I think a lot of people feel like that and become, the paralysis becomes even more so, and you're so overwhelmed, and you wonder if what's on the other side sometimes is better than what's on the side that you're on right now because you don't know anymore, and it's hard to make that judgment, because when you're in something that's really bad and really stressful for you, whatever that is, right, it's personal, it's hard to even kind of see the light sometimes to figure if it's even worth moving through or getting there. So I get how people feel that way, as I said I have myself. We're going to talk about all the things that stop us, all the things that stop us from moving forward in our business, in our personal life, all the BS that we tell ourselves, all the crap that other people tell us, that we take on, that we carry around, and we feel not only depleted from, but actually just stop us from taking a movement. It's like glue, right? You know how people talk about people as emotional vampires? I feel like they're glue sometimes, have like this secret glue guns that they target at you, and you just feel like you're stuck there, and you can't get around. Yes?
My name is Stephanie, and I'm actually a salon owner. And actually I could relate a lot to your story about when you're not there, you're stylists feel like you don't care but you really do. My question is like how do you get your staff members to feel appreciated without you being there physically, and being able to kinda get like whatever other things that you want to do done and still having a successful salon running?
So it's a great question. Did you all hear it? Here's where I wanna stop you because I just told you this story that I wasn't there and that was the problem, they felt abandoned.
But I guess, like, how do you suggest like we keep them from not feeling abandoned?
Is there any other way?
Right, they can't. And, look, with my situation, it didn't happen overnight. I had throughout my business, before my television career, I had always traveled. I worked for manufacturers. I traveled all over the world. My territory was Asia. I'd fly 150,000 miles a year, right? So I had traveled a lot and gone away. The difference was it was quick. Right, it was like this all the time. I'd fly to Hong Kong, and then I'd come back, and I'd be at work the next day. Whether I just had a 20-hour flight or not, I was right there. It was different than what I was doing, and it took years, right, to kind of build up to it. I felt that I was letting everyone know that they were appreciated and that they were taken care of, and I valued them and I cared about them. In hindsight, right, and with some distance, part of that maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't do it enough, maybe I wasn't checking in with them enough, maybe, we didn't have FaceTime then, but maybe if I FaceTime or utilized some of the technology skills that we have today, they would have felt a little bit different for a little longer. But ultimately at the end of the day, I truly believe they still would have felt like I abandoned them because I did. I did. Not forever, but I did. And as I said before, to be a good leader, I don't care what it is, to be a good leader, to be a good partner, to be a good friend, you have to be there. You have to be there. And as a leader and someone that has, leads my business and my staff, if I abandon the ship, what the hell is their inventive to stay and take care of it for me? They will for a minute, they will for a little bit, and then they'll go, "What am I taking care of her ship, "I want my own ship," right, "I'm gonna go and get my own ship. "Do it, she is never here, I'm the one running the ship. "I'm gonna go get one of those for myself." That's human nature. So as a business owner, you have to look at, and I'm talking a long time that I was out of my business, right, because I was filming, you have to look at how often are you out, what is their incentive? Right? Go back to that why. Put yourself in their shoes. Have empathy for them and think if my boss was away and doing this, it's easy for me to think, oh, she's off there having fun or getting her nails done or going on vacation or doing whatever. I'm not saying you're doing that. I'm giving examples. It's easy for your staff to think, "I'm here in the salt mines, working away, "doing all this work while she's off "having a good time over there, "yet she complains about money sometimes," right? That's where the human brain goes. So I think to solve the situation, be present. When I started this class, I asked you to be present, correct? And I used a phrase that you'll probably hear me say it a million times today, how you do one thing is how you do everything. It's true. How you do one thing is how you do everything. So you have to look at that in your business as well. If you're not being present, that shows up in many other ways of your life and in your business. If you're not being assertive or setting boundaries or being honest in one thing, that shows up in many other ways of your life and your business. Yeah, you're not taking care of yourself in one way, it shows up in many other ways. Does that make sense? And realize that as a leader, you are it, you're the captain, you lead by example. It leaves and dies on the leader because you're the person that sets the tone, gives the incentive, answers the why, sometimes sets the why. A good leader and a good coach, right, is, I believe, my job, here with all of you, when I'm running my business, when I'm working with any facet of my business where I'm in front of people and helping people, my job is to help you see the best part of yourself that sometimes you can't even find. Well, I'm gonna find it for you, and I'm gonna help you polish it, and I'm gonna bring it out, and I'm gonna help it shine for you, because I sometimes believe in you more than you believe in yourself. That was my job as a boss. My job as a boss was to train my staff and give them everything they needed so that they could be better than me, so that they could, I could see that little skill that they had and how their fingers moved, that they may not be so great at color, but they're really great with their fingers and with a pair of scissors in their hands. That was my job to make them believe that and see that and bring that out in them so that they could live up to their potential. And to do that, you have to be present. Yeah, makes sense?
Thank you guys.