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The Session

Lesson 4 from: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

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Lesson Info

4. The Session

Next Lesson: My First Session

Lesson Info

The Session

when it comes to sessions, we can honestly say that no two sessions are alike. In the first year of doing this, when it was just us, Cheryl, believe it or not, attended all the sessions. My concerns right out of the gate, where she's in a grieving process should she be there? But she was a true champion and wasn't gonna have it any other way. So from our very first session all the way to, you know, for the first year and 1/2 or so, we did almost all the sessions together. Uh, eventually we started getting support and we were able to separate, and Cheryl had such an important role in the admin side of it that she did not have to attend. But I can honestly say that your there's there's no outline on what you're going to see or the exact scenario. We try to document as many unusual things as we can because we don't wanna put photographers in startling situations, however, uh, handling, seeing, processing a deceased child or ah, family who was about to lose a child. There's no way to expla...

in it. It's something you have to feel. And as you go through that process, there is that emotional connection. We would actually be very concerned about you if you if this did not emotionally bother you. However, we'll talk later about how that works. Now, when you're working with the parents, we kind of want to break it down a little bit to what you might expect. Expressions of grief vary widely. It's something that you just you really walking into a room. You have no idea what you're going to get you. They are. The parents are on an emotional roller coaster and they could be very upset. They could be hysterical. They could be very, very quiet. They could stay now. Nothing. They might be smiling or laughing. They might not want to be photographed. Now, when I say smiling or laughing, I mean, we've walked into rooms where, you know, parents are cracking jokes and laughing, and it seems so odd. But parents are all in different stages. Some parents know this is going to happen to them. They've been preparing for months. They know the baby won't survive. So this is closure there past the grieving part, and now they're they're just going through the process of of saying goodbye, so they're more comfortable. We have parents that completely block us out. It might be Mom is, wants this session and Dad is absolutely does not want to be a part of it. I mean, you know, I had a dad get mad because I got in the way of his baseball game, you know, it was just You're one of those things where he was focused on the game. But you have to understand that he's No, it's not that he doesn't care. He's not dealing with it at this point. And we do have parents that do not want to be photographed. They're uncomfortable with it. And this is the what I really want to make sure people understand because, ah, lot of times if you go in the room and we learn this over time, I won't even tell the story. Theme. Big Pinnacle How we came to this conclusion. But the bottom line is in the beginning, the way I handled it is I would offer Do you want to hold the baby? And if a parent said no, I accepted, that is no, and Cheryl definitely had a strong opinion having been served. She wanted every parents told the baby. So there was a little bit of conflict, not bad conflict. But I was like, Let's just ask once and don't ask again. And Cheryl was, Let's keep asking and we really found the balance and what the balance was is. I do ask when I attend. You know, when I first go there in my asking, if a parent says no, I say no problem and I start about the work and as you're photographing and this is where wall start to come down, you talk to that baby, you're going to use the baby's name. You're gonna talk about the features that are visible that are beautiful, you know, he has beautiful ears, his such beautiful little lips. His lips looked like yours. Look at his tiny toes. He's got long toes. Where does he get that from? And this baby, maybe in very bad condition. But you're looking for features that you can recognize and that you can work with and and what we found is through the session through that quiet moment of working with the baby and maybe moving the baby and changing things around um you see, the parents soften up and without fail, and Cheryl really helped me get to this point after I'm through with that part and I've spent 20 minutes if that long, working with the baby, I'm photographing the details in the room. I'll go back to a moment, I'll say. OK, now I just want to let you know I'm almost done. Are you sure you wouldn't like to hold your daughter? She's so beautiful. I would love to do that for you and honestly, nine out of 10 times if I can't even think of a time somebody has turned me down. A mom has gone from. I don't want to hold him to okay and you can see that they've saw it is your work and your effort working with the child and when they start to connect to this is really happening. This is really beautiful. And this is something that, ah, I'm not going to get a chance to do this ever again is where we find that parents will join in. And it's kind of logical that the majority of moms will join, and sometimes dads just will not join in some do after watching us up. We never push it. If there. If this, if I get a second. No, I'm more than willing. Teoh pull back on and I'm listening and trying to focus on what everybody's saying because there may be Grandma's and grandpas and somebody might be pushing somebody, Grammas said. Just do it, just do it and it's causing mom to pull back. And as much as I know you feel like you wish you could tell every mom toe, hold her baby and every dad told their baby, You know, that's not something that we could weaken force on them. So you just really have to be prepared for everything. And the energy in the room is the first thing you'll notice. There is a very distinct you open the door and it's like electricity and it can be extreme sadness and it can be extreme discomfort. I mean, we've had situations where you know a dad is hysterical and he's angry at the hospital and he's angry at the world and he's yelling and screaming and Mom desperately wants this and we've had dad's that refuse. They don't want it at all, and you know Mom wants it and we have to make decisions there, so that's not the norm. And I certainly don't want to scare people away, But you will feel the energy before you'll ever open your mouth. You walk in the room and you will feel what is going to happen. And you kind of have to be very cognizant of what is going on, Um, going to show you just a little video here from the parents perspective and then I believe, will take a little break. You may not want these now, but you will probably want them At some point in your life. We're always able to turn and look at those photos, see what it's like to be together in happier times. I feel babies home. She's home. I see day. This is your heritage. You're gonna want inspection someday through such tragedy definitely was something positive. Everything was perfectly normal until she went into labor and which, when her water broke, is when we knew something wasn't right. My 1st 2 it was easy. I had my first son. It was a total easy pregnancy. My daughter came 18.5 months later so that was a really easy delivery. So when we went in, we just assumed it would be really easy and we'd be home in a day and everything would be fine. Back in 2007 I found out I was pregnant. It was actually an unexpected pregnancy. So overall, the pregnancy seemed normal. But I was more concerned with this becoming a single and how my life was gonna be and how it was gonna just Actually, the pregnancy was perfectly normal. There was a little bit of concern towards the end about maybe lean a little bit bigger than anybody was expecting. But he upon further check, everything was fine. Everything was going fine. Everything Part B was running lungs, kidneys. She was grand perfectly. Taylor was our third child and, uh, she she was with us for 25 days. Way pretty much spent every every day with her when she was alive. Finally, after two weeks, we decided that the future was not gonna be good for her. So we decided to pull life support and that took another two weeks, 14 days. So that waas really painful to watch. They had Teoh deliver me when he was only 25 weeks along, and he was born weighing £1.6 ounces at birth on a progressed very quickly. And when they came back and they checked it again about 1/2 hour later, they couldn't find his heart rate separate. So they immediately did a, uh uh, emergency C section on. He wasn't breathing right on his own, man. And so it was some sort of compressed cord situation that occurred during the delivery itself. March 29 2011. I went into the doctors and totally that her heart had stopped and my brother came down. I held him and he hung on and, you know, he just kept kind of was up and down thing, and he held on and the doctors were talking to me about taking him off life support, and I wasn't ready. I just thought he's fighting. We're gonna see what happens. But by the next morning, it was pretty clear that, um he wasn't gonna get better and he was suffering and we were losing way. Heard about it, actually, through several different places. Almost simultaneously was all through the hospital because because we were there. Our nurses told us about. Now I lay me down to sleep. They gave us a brochure and then we heard about it through the chaplaincy program there. I was amazed that there was even this group of people out there doing something like this. I think My first reaction, Waas Why do we need that right now? Like this is it was really traumatic that it was actually the day we decided to put her on life support. They had called her in the hospital, had asked us if we wanted that, and we said yes. And they said this would be the best time because after that, you're not gonna want pictures of what she's going look like. Nurse was somebody I trusted immensely, but my first reaction was actually like, I don't want to do that. That just sounds morbid. That doesn't sound right, Andi. It's such a horrible moment in your life. That is not something you want to photograph originally. But the crazy thing was, is that the nurse was actually the nurse for Cheryl had Cheryl Hagar back a couple of years earlier. So that was when the whole organization started and he came to me literally. The nurse did interior, saying this is your heritage. You're gonna want these pictures someday. Um, so he talked me into it and, um, yeah, I was so, so glad that he did. It's something that I wanted to look at. Really? You know, you just nowadays we're so used to seeing the instant gratification of looking at a photo. And so I looked at him. But it was one of those things that I I looked through them right away. I thought, Man, these are amazing. And I don't want to get time because they do carry a lot of emotion around. You know why they were taking Well, we looked at him right away because we had to have a service and we needed pictures. Will we wanted way wanted pictures for the service. We wanted people to see that. Yes, we had a daughter, and she was beautiful, and she was perfect. And we wanted to share her with the world at the hospital. We didn't, but we wanted people to know that she was beautiful. Um, so we looked at I'm pretty much the day we got him, and it was hard. It was really hard because way had just lost for, but we were beyond grateful to have it. Now they mean everything. The photographer was amazing. She came out and she actually took pictures of him before we took him off life support. And after he had passed on, it was very emotional, but she was wonderful. She actually put together a little video, you know, she put some of pictures to music together in time for his memorial service just a couple of days later. And then it was probably, you know, it could have been 34 weeks before I got the actual pictures from her. And I remember when I first opened them toe. Look at them. It was just Yeah, it was really, really hard at first. Help me a lot because my baby exists. You know? She she's right there. She's in the pictures and friends family that go over my house. You know, this is my baby. She lived. She was here with me. I carried her. And here she is. The short life of her daughter Taylor was something that forever changed. My wife, Amber and eyes life completely completely changed us. It was the most difficult situation that I think anybody could ever be faced with. But out of that, I think we became stronger in our relationship. Taylor's pictures air throughout our house, but I also happen by the rocker in my bedroom. I have every picture that Angela gave us and they're in a, um, a book and we look I look at them just different times when I'm feeling sad or when I miss her or, um, just different times. And I just love looking at them because I I can remember Her nose was like this in her. Oh, I remember her holding my hand like this and it's just it's priceless. It is priceless tohave that Boteler that gift that she gave us is an amazing, amazing thing. Uh, just simply the gift of her time and her energy and her professional skill to give to somebody else is not something that any of us have taken lightly way. Love the photos we love what they've done for us way really appreciate it. She took the time away from her family. If we know nothing else, we know how valuable that is. It's easy to just think this was something that was so terrible, it couldn't possibly have happened even in your own mind. Sometimes you think like that. And it's so comforting to see a picture of him and say, Yeah, I am a mom and he is my son and he was here. Okay, so you can see from the families perspective how incredibly valuable these are and how, even though some of them felt like they didn't want it there just eternally grateful that they did give. All right, let's to a couple questions here. Um, I have a question from L. D. Nurse who asked if doctors and nurses take the photos. One of volunteers not available will. Now I lay me down to sleep, find a digital retouching artist to help retouch them. Thank you. Yes, way specifically, have an area on account set up that the nurses can send the images through headquarters. Or sometimes your your coordinator will find a photographer for the nurses ascended images to directly either that photographer war worked them up, or they will go into the account where the r a we'll work them up. And, um, are we sending them back to the nursing staff or we set him directly to the families now to e. I think they both still, yeah, but with the images that we do recommend that the nurses really edit it down to just a few because it does. Some of these babies take extensive artwork. The baby's. They tend to send us our babies and very difficult missing skin, different blood and tissues and things. So so it is not appropriate, if possible, to send 40 images one or two that we can Perfect. It is best, and another question from Laura Wichman. Assistance also have to sign the V esa, But do they need to be a photographer to be a photographer's assistant? Be someone that helps hold the reflectors on the lights? Absolutely. It could be a friend. I mean, we have a lot of photographers. This is not something that some a lot of our photographers can't share this with their spouse. It's a little overwhelming for some people. Emotionally, so many of our photographers just have a good friend that it's kind of their diffusion, you know, they take that friend and they do the sessions, and then they go and talk it out. So absolutely can be. They do have to be 18 years old. That is a requirement. But it can be anybody as long as they have signed the TSA. All right, so folks will be taking a 45 minute break. It's really incredible to listen to all these stories. I'm glad that you guys were sharing all these would be amazed at the outpouring of stories that we have coming via the Internet. So thank you for sharing all those stories. Please continue to do that. And you can also go to the creative life Facebook page and let us know why you are donating your money or your time to this organization so that we can pass that along to everybody else watching and pass it along to everybody here. So I'd like to read a couple coats of things that have come through. Laura Wichman says Sandy and Cheryl are two very amazing women. I'm so moved. It breaks my heart to have to do this. But if I can do for a family what Sandy has done for Cheryl, it will complete me. Aubrey Jackson photographer says, Wow, this is the session I have looked forward to all weekend We buried our son Aidan last year and didn't find out about now. I lay me down to sleep until a few days after, but luckily I had taken lots of pictures myself. I'm not pregnant with our rainbow baby, and I want to do anything in this world to pay it forward and passed. Families are so over this break. Folks, please consider donating to now. I lay me down to sleep in whatever way, whether you are considering being a photographer or not, it's it's really amazing to hear how much goes into the organization and how much work you will do to enable photographers on the other volunteers to be able to bring this truly most precious gift to two parents who are grieving. And can I have to call you out? Because I caught Kenna on the last break she actually was making a donation to. Now I lay me down to sleep and I think you told me you also bought the presentation, which I thought was incredible. So she made a donation and bought the prison, which I believe you said. That's your first presentation you've ever It is. It is s o I I, um I did just make my first credible I purchase ever on. So I encourage you to do the same again, one way or the other, whether that's through the website or through Creativelive.

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