Becoming High Value
So the next piece I'd like to do is becoming high value, and I have made mention in my narrative how I saw the world and finally took responsibility in understanding why my life had become so difficult. And why I saw everything as a fight. And why I felt that I needed to be strong, and tough and more physical, and angry at the world. And why anger was such a large important part of my life. And when I learned about value, I went from somebody, who, aside of going to bed angry, and pissed off, and frustrated at the work that I would have to do the next day and the work that I would have to do forever I could see forward, was, after stealing some of these new concepts, That I then started going to bed laughing, and carrying on, about how easy things had become. Once I started incorporating the high value behaviors and started getting rid of the low value behaviors, I quit worrying about what people were thinking about me. I quit worrying, through brute force, allowing things to happen. A...
nd within three weeks, I was getting offered higher profile band gigs, higher profile bar management gigs. And I would go to bed laughing about what amazing is going to happen tomorrow, rather than going to bed angry and upset. So I want to talk about a few ways that you can do that. So this stronger frame dissolves the weaker one. And so I'd like to talk about strengthening that frame and putting it together. All of us have a genuine self. And if you see on page 40, we have another worksheet. All of us have a genuine self about how we feel about ourselves on a day-to-day basis. Now, as you can see, we have a frowny face to the happy face. And I want you to think about, during networking events, during work, during personal relationships, in general, where do you think you might be on that general self line? And so our next piece is, and underneath that, is what we call a social mask. This is the character that all of us put on when we go into public ventures, when we go to social events, when we go to network events. This is the person that we want people to see, and we want to act our best to present this person. When it comes to authenticity, what we want to do is make sure that we're able to push the mask and the genuine self close together as possible. And the thing that makes it difficult is that no matter how we might be feeling about ourselves, when we go into a networking event or outward, trying to, any sort of social event, the minute anxiety starts to hit, the minute nervousness starts to hit, the minute pressure, tension starts to hit, we tend to want to close off. We tend to want to hide or puff ourselves up and act in a certain manner that allows us to feel that we are protecting ourself. And it's difficult. If we are able to bring these things close together, and start chipping away at the anxiety, then we are slowly able to bring the mask and the genuine self so that we're not having to worry about protecting this character that we are pushing forward. Instead we can focus on the five fundamentals that AJ had talked about earlier. We're going to start chipping away at that stone. So, the first thing we want to do, is start looking at our past. We want to build, to be able to build, from that past. I had given you my narrative. And what I had learned when I was able to take responsibility for my past, and learned to accept it, was that how I was raised, the environment that I was raised in, had me programmed to act in a certain manner, which pushed a lot of people away, which made every day very difficult. Every day seemed like a grind. And so I was able to accept that, and understood that because of how I was raised, this is why everything seemed so difficult. And so, what I am going to ask from you, is, what are the lessons we have learned from our past? A lot of times when things happen that we're not, that we can't control, that we're not fond of, or that we act in a way that we regret, or wish that we could have a do-over. After those events happen, we tend to discard them and never want to revisit them. But the problem is, that doesn't allow us to grow from them. So if you can pull a lesson from each event that allows you to be better, that allows you to become a better person. So. We'll go to the worksheet on page 42. I want you to think of three events that have happened in your past. Name that event. And think about one or two takeaways that you can pull from that that allows you to be a better person, that will keep you from making the same mistakes. I have this slide up of utter catastrophe. That utter catastrophe is in everybody's past. Name it. What is the lesson we can get from that? How's everyone doing? All right? The next piece we want to look at-- I want you to think of the people that around you who inspire you, that you look up to, who might mentor you. I want you to think of three people and I want you to think about their best qualities. And then with each person, I want you to boil all those qualities you have written down into one. What is, if you thought about that person, how do you distill all of their qualities into their best one, what would it be? And I know when you think about people that you admire or look up to, a lot of good traits come into mind. See if you can boil it down to one specific trait that you feel best exemplifies that person. And I hope I am not moving too fast for y'all. I'd like to move to the next one. Which is, going to be projecting into our future. I want you to think about, if you took the lessons that you had written down from the three events, and the three traits that you had written down from the three people that you look up to, that you admire, who inspire you, I would like for you to project those lessons and those traits into a projected self of five years from now. And from this step forward, from this day forward, if you're able to start taking actionable steps towards that person, what would it look like? Who would you become if you were able to implement those lessons and those three traits in your life and start working on those? What does that look like for you in five years? Another way I like to look at that projected five year person is think about yourself walking into a social event, a networking event, has a lot of people, and think about, how would you like to feel walking into that in five years? And how would you like, in five years from now, those people when they see you walk in, how would you like them to see you? What are the qualities, what are the, how do they see you in that position? How do you feel? Now if you move on to page 48, you will see that there's two boxes. I want you to think about what would be three personal hurdles that would stop you from reaching that projected five year down the road person? Obviously, you know yourselves better than I do, but procrastination could be one. Perhaps you get distracted by the next shiny object. Perhaps perfectionism is the cross that you bear. And next to that, think about an action plan for each hurdle. And to look at this as a large piece, we have coming to terms about who we are and where we've been, and what we've come from, and lessons that we've learned. We have traits now that we're looking to acquire for ourself that we see remarkably in the people around us. And we have a projected self that we can start walking towards. We've already identified hurdles that would keep us from becoming that person. And we're starting to put together an action plan on how we can start moving in that direction to face those. Travis, could I hear about your five year down the road person?
Five years from now, I'll be retired from military. And, what I want when I walk into that room, I walk into that room of veterans I've helped coach to make the transition out of uniform.
Fantastic. What would be a hurdle that would keep you from becoming that person.
Discipline, surprisingly. For us, using social media, or building a platform that is not the uniforms, that is something we're not actually taught .
Uh hm... Okay. And then, what would be an action plan to face that hurdle?
Focus, talking about it every day. Specifically, then talking to the point of pain like I do now.
Yeah. Fantastic. I'd like to hear from somebody else. Who would like to go? Volunteer? Byran, want to give it a shot since you're my fill?
Yeah. So five years, being able to walk into a social situation, like a barbecue, whatever, and walk away feeling like I made connections with most people there instead of having those surface level interactions.
Getting in my own way. Making that conscious effort each time to, you know, go deeper, into the interaction with one more person.
Um hm. And then your action plan?
Probably ditto, I think. Just keep going.
Just keep going.
Keep going to barbecues, keep getting out there, keep talking to people, invite new people.
Yeah. Fighting through it. So the thing about it is all of us are gonna have opportunities in our life to start chipping away at things inside the stone. And, until we throw ourselves into the dragon's den, so to speak, it's going to be difficult. No one like to make mistakes. No one wants to feel awkward. No one wants to put themselves in tense, anxiety-filled situations. But in order for us to start chipping away, in order for us to start putting conscious effort towards the behaviors and actions that we want to start exhibiting, we have to limit that. We have to let it go. And I can tell you from myself, to walk into the unknown, I still have the same butterflies as I've always had. Having performing since I was in high school, I'm still performing to this day, and every time before the curtain opens up, I still have the same butterflies as I did as a teenager, except now, rather than being so nervous that my leg is shaking so bad that I don't know if I am going to be able to finish the show, let alone start it, now it's excitement. Now it becomes a challenge. Why? Because through pushing through that, through showing up, knowing that every time that I show up and feel anxiety, that I am slowly getting better, that I am chipping away at it, that it's slowly calming down. Because the truth is, when our body is uncomfortable, the only thing it can do is work to get itself comfortable. And the more that we're in that position, the easier those things get. So think about the opportunities that you can take to slowly put yourself in that position, to slowly chip away at that stone. I know for myself that when I was going through all these changes, and trying to better myself, and trying to strengthen my frame, of who I was, where I've been, and where I was going, going out networking, socializing, I realized that I've stood on the same things, of music, and I wanted to be able to out and build value from scratch. I didn't want to have to rely on that. I didn't want that, my own value to be so wrapped up in it that I couldn't deal without it. And so, by going out, keeping open body language, as AJ had mentioned, putting on a smile, as AJ had mentioned, allowing the honest fear of wherever I was to hit me, and keep that smile going, slowly, but surely, I found myself enjoying myself, feeling good, and every time I went out, I felt a little bit better about it. And of course, there's those situations that seem to knock us back into our old habits, and these are the things that we have to face, these are dragon in the room so to speak. And I know that for myself, I'm sure all of us have been in this position, perhaps you have given it your best, you've kept the open body language, you've put on a smile, you're out, you're feeling good, and you decide, you know what, I'm feeling good, I think it's time to socialize. There's some interesting people, there's some folks I want to meet, and perhaps, because we're a little bit nervous, perhaps we have some anxiety going on, we've walked up to those people, and we went to cheers them, or introduce ourselves, and there's that moment, where's there's two things that's gonna happen. Either, one, they're going to turn around and introduce themselves or cheers you, and you're going to start a conversation. But there's also that moment, where they turn around, and maybe, because you had some anxiety going on, your voice chirped up and you didn't quite get all the words out. Or perhaps you didn't commit enough and they might not have heard you. So there's the awkward moment where they're staring at you trying to figure out what you're doing, and you're in this position of, please choose me because I can't deal with this right now. And in that moment, there's another two things that are gonna happen. Strong moment comes back to stronger frame dissolves the weaker one. And if you think to yourself, I'm bothering them, they're probably too busy for me, and in that moment, you decide to abandon ship and take off and go back to, and then of course, you have to defend yourself, you have to protect yourself for how you are feeling in that moment, you get smaller, and now you have to rationalize your behavior and you're not feeling good about what has just happened, and you're beating yourself up over it. We've all been in that situation. And that's where the stronger frame, was the one that you thought they had had. Then there's a moment in the interaction, where you're standing there, they're looking at you confused, and you calm yourself down, you put on that smile, and you put out your hand even farther, and you speak up, and of course, in that moment, they're like, ah, cheers, and they're all talking to you and cheersing, and all of a sudden, in that moment, your frame had won out. You were the high value person, you were bringing fun to the room, you felt good about working through that. Now, if you had went out, and let's say that that situation had happened six times, and you saw this as a challenge of working through it, to hold in there, to put on that smile, and you received that, and you received their attention, and let's say out of that six times, that happened three of those, you had stayed in there, and you had won out. Three of those, you had chickened out, and you had left that interaction. Three is good. How many was it last week in that situation? How many was it in the past, had you been in that situation and went out? And if it had been zero, and you had taken three out of those six, how good would you know, that I'm actually working through this. I'm chipping away at it. It wasn't a hundred percent. It doesn't need to be a hundred percent. And so I was better, three times better, than I was previously. And knowing that if you are able to work through it, know it's not going to be perfect, and get those wins, and knowing that you are moving forward, and that stone is getting chipped away, how much easier is it then to get excited about out and trying again, and trying for, four out of six that next time? So, with that, I want you to think about those opportunities, not as awkward situations, but as challenges and adventures that you have to work through. They're right there in front of you, all the time. And by going through it, you're that much better.
Have we got time for a question or two? Anyone got a question?
About the page on 40, which is the graph with the lineup of the faces.
About the genuine self and the social self. I was wondering if you could clarify, on how to read, like you said, the genuine self and your social mask have to be pretty much aligned in order to be authentic.
Well, we're all working to get them there. And obviously, everyone wants to put on a very great social mask and knowing that in certain situations, let's just say, a networking event, or a happy hour with some friends, that there's moments where your genuine self isn't anywhere near where that social mask is that you're looking to present. Right? So, what are you going to do to look to bring that genuine self up to that point? And that is why, having these little victories, though they're small, they're one step closer to where you need to be. So that when your genuine self is where this social mask is where you want to present, then you are able to put more conscious effort to those small things, such as smiling, open body language, commitment. And they are right there, but it's going to take these little wins to get you there. This is why small victories are so important to celebrate. And it's easy as human beings to think about the bigger picture and know that the step that we took is what we think is a drop in a bucket to get there. But the thing about it is, as far as we might think it is, it's not nearly as far as we think it is. And it's not as close as we would like it to be. It's going to take a little bit of work.