The 4 Values
So I'm gonna talk about four different values. Now, these values in and of themselves are actions and behaviors that all of us exhibit. Some of the behaviors that we exhibit are low. Some of the values that we exhibit are high. It's about being honest with yourself, understanding the low-value behaviors that you exhibit, and eliminating those, while understanding what the high-value behaviors are and amplifying them. The first value I wanna talk about is supplicative behavior. Now, to supplicate, it's an old word. It means to beg. Begging for what? Attention, approval, and acceptance. It's basically like saying to people, please like me. What was your name?
My name's Edwin.
Edwin? Very nice to meet you Edwin.
Nice to meet you too.
Let's say that we were going to throw a networking event this afternoon and I had given you a mission and that mission is to walk up to 20 people at a networking event and have you ask them to please like me. How would you feel about that?
y desperate, clingy.
Sure, I don't think anyone in this room would feel that that was a good idea, and I don't think anyone here would want to, and here's the thing. If you wouldn't verbally wanna walk up to people and ask them to please like you, then why would you allow your behaviors and actions to do that for you? So this is important. We want to understand what those behaviors and actions are that would say that for you. The first one I wanna talk about is victim mentality. How many people have friends on social media who seems like every day they like to post their ailments so they can get that sympathy, attention, approval, and acceptance? It's funny, I just saw a friend of mine who does that every day and she had posted today, how do I keep water down, and I was like, oh my God. What are you talking about? The other one is closed-off body language. Supplicative people have a tendency to get smaller, to get quieter. Their tonality gets softer, gets mumbly. They don't take up a lot of space. They tend to try to allow themselves to become invisible. Also, qualifying yourself. Supplicative people have a tendency to mumble about themselves in hopes that the other people in the room will find things about them that they can like. Also, AJ had mentioned earlier about too much positive body language. Think of a small dog. You come home from being at work all day, and he's staring up at you, his tail is wagging, and any way that you turn, there he is standing in front of you. AJ made mention earlier about how we have a tendency when we first meet people to give them a lot of positive body language, and how at the beginning of an interaction, that can be too much on somebody. When there's tension and pressure on us and that anxiety is going on, it's hard for us to remember that, and once we get in there, we wanna have that eye contact, we wanna make a good first impression, and we have this positive body language going on this person, and you'll be able to see it in others when you start to get comfortable in these roles, and they're doing it to you. A fun experiment is to see how far people will go to give you their positive body language. Someone will be standing in front of you, you'll give them this turn, and you'd be surprised. Sometimes you can make a full 360 rotation (audience laughs). Looking for value through sympathy. We had mentioned that earlier. That's another part of that victim mentality. The next behavior I'd like to talk about is combative behavior. I had made mention earlier that supplicative behavior is begging. Well, combative behavior is taking attention, approval and acceptance from others. It's almost to say, you suck. So Edwin, we have a new mission for you. Now at this networking event, you have to let 20 people know how much they suck. How would you feel about that mission?
Uh (mumbles), intimidating.
Sure, I don't think you would enjoy doing it, would you?
I don't think anyone here would, and once again, if you wouldn't verbally want to say that, why would you allow your behaviors and actions to say that for you? So what are the behaviors and actions that scream out you suck? A negative attitude is one of those behaviors. Outward body language, so where the supplicative person is going inward, the combative person is going outward, puffing themselves up, trying to make themselves bigger, their voice, tonality getting louder, shouting so everyone can always hear them in the room. Aggressive behavior, using negatively aggressive behavior. Always looking for conflict, finding an argument to get into. Putting others down is another one that we see. Now as you can see, in different situations, we can exhibit different parts of these behaviors and actions. The next one I'd like to talk about, the next value is competitive. Edwin, let's go back to your mission. I have a new one for you. Now, at this networking event, you're gonna have to let 20 people know why you're better than them. How would you enjoy that one?
Be very condescending.
Well, it would be a lot of work. If everyone that you had talked to for 20 people, you had to find ways to show that you're better than them, that could be very exhausting at the end of the evening. So rather than begging, rather than taking they're gonna compete for attention, approval, and acceptance. It's as if saying, I'm better than you. What are some behaviors that would exhibit that? One upping. How many of ya'll know the one-upper and know matter what you've done, they've done it better. A furrowing, judgemental brow, rolling of their eyes, judging you the whole time, comparing what they have to you, and contrasting. Now the thing about competitive people that make it a bit different than the other two lower values is competitive people are not lazy. Competitive people because they have learned to compete have spent their lives competing. So there's moments in their life where they have won those competitions and because they won those competitions, they have gotten some value for themselves. So on a base level, they feel quite good about themselves. It's only to when that value gets compromised to when they start acting up. I'll give you a silly example. Perhaps you find yourself wanting to go watch the game down at the corner bar and grab a pint and upon getting down there, getting your beer, you're watching the game, you realize that the guy a few stools down is also a fan of the team you're watching. So you strike up a conversation, you're having some fun, you're having some laughs, you're yelling at the screen, and he buys you a round, you buy him a round, and your first thoughts are gonna be, wow this person is really fun, they're really cool, I'm enjoying hanging out with him, possibly a new friend. Let's just say for whatever reason, you start to get some extra attention by someone else in the room, maybe the bartender is having some laughs and joking with you. Perhaps a couple of girls sit next to you and you strike up a conversation with them, and you start to feel pretty good about yourself. You're getting that attention, approval, and acceptance, and the guy sitting next to you who you've been having so much fun with, instead of saying, thumbs up or encouraging you or enjoying watching you interact, he starts acting up to then get that attention, approval, acceptance that you were getting. Now why did this happen? Because at the time you guys had met, he was fine, but the minute you started getting attention, approval, and acceptance, he starts acting up. His value has been compromised. He needs to get that back, and the thing about it is, a lot of times when you're in this position, you might think, well, I don't know why this guy is acting up, but I don't need this, and I could easily win this competition that we're in now because the attention and approval has already went in my direction, but the thing about it is, once that attention goes to you, and he's now competing for it, and you find yourself in this competition, if you do win, you're only going to be dealing with then a combative person who's now angry, and it's much easier to get angry at somebody than to join forces, that old Bugs Bunny saying, if you can't beat them, join them. That doesn't happen in the real world. If people lose, they get angry, and then their anger goes to the person who they feel had bested them. Everyone with me so far? Yes, Edwin.
Are there situations where competitive behavior is healthy?
Competitive behavior in a healthy, competitive environment is always healthy. It's always a good thing. You wanna have the spirit to get in there, to get your hands dirty, and enjoy life. It's only when it's fueled by anger. Does that make sense?
And it's taking away from others enjoying what they're doing. Does that make sense to you?
The next one I wanna talk about is high-value behavior, cooperative behavior. Now where the supplicative person begging was how they went about getting attention, approval, acceptance, the combative person they took attention, approval, and acceptance by taking it, and the competitive person, they've competed for it, well, the cooperative person, they're gonna get it by giving attention, approval, and acceptance. So Edwin, we could go back to your mission and imagine that you were going out to this networking event, and you had to let 20 people know why they're awesome. How would you feel about that mission?
Very energized, happy.
Yeah, sure. It's allowing others around you to feel good, but it might be weird just to walk up to 20 people and say, hey, I think you're awesome. So once again, what behaviors and actions could we exhibit that would allow others around us to feel good about ourselves? Positivity, positivity is a very attractive trait and people wanna be around positive people. Acknowledgement of others, high-fives, cheers, introductions, this shows acknowledgment of others around you and allows them to feel good. They're getting attention, approval, and acceptance. So we have the high-fives. Vulnerability is another large one. AJ had given you guys a heart-warming story earlier today. He was sharing, he was being vulnerable. It brings everyone closer together. Also, high-value people will go out of their way to encourage and support others around them to be vulnerable. High-value people also understand that it's going to take others to help them reach their goals. So, if it's gonna take others to help them reach their goals, they're gonna need that help by helping others get theirs, and the only way they can find out what people need in their lives to help them is to get them to be vulnerable and express themselves and responsibility, which is a large one. Anytime the word responsibility comes up, I think the first thing that we all think about is oh, well, I get to work on time, I'm always punctual, or I make my bed in the morning, but responsibility goes a lot further than that. High-value people will go out of their way to find ways of grabbing responsibility so they can be in control of things, where low-value people will go out of their way to give it up. Why, because they don't wanna be at fault for anything. They don't wanna have the finger pointed at them, but the problem with that is, low-value people aren't able to change because they have no responsibility. It's not their fault. If I was a low-value person and I found out certain people didn't like me, my first thoughts are, well they're jerks. If I found out that some girls that I was interested in, she didn't like me, my first thoughts were, well, she's a jerk, but if take on that responsibility, I'm able to change myself. So I mentioned earlier that in my narrative, the way I saw things, it was everybody else's fault. There was no way for me to change until I decided and realized that the issue wasn't the people around me or the fights that I had, it was how I was dealing with things, and it was that moment that I was able to start making changes. So the price you will pay for having low-value people in your life will be your life. The price you will pay for having low-value people in your life will be your life. So, what do I mean by this? We're going through value, we're understanding that there's four separate values that have distinct behaviors. I'm gonna say it again. The price you will pay for having low-value people in your life will be your life. What do I mean by this? Your thoughts and feelings, actions, and behaviors are influenced by those that you have around you. Your thoughts and feelings, actions, behaviors are gonna be influenced by those that you have around you. I'm going to give you a few different scenarios, so you can understand how this affects you. The first scenario I wanna go through is imagine that it's Sunday evening, and you have a Monday morning work meeting to go to, and while you're thinking about going to that Monday morning work meeting, you're thinking about what tasks you'll put on the board, you're thinking about how you're gonna spend your week, and for whatever reason, an idea pops into your head about how you can help your company be more efficient and more profitable. While you're trying to think about how you're gonna present this at Monday morning work meeting, you realize that your idea does have a few hiccups in it, but what's the big deal? You hash them out during the meeting and you get to work on implementing these and now you're gonna be a hero. You might get a promotion out of this. You're feeling good about this whole thing, but what if the culture in that room is very low value? For instance, as you're thinking about this pitch and how you're gonna look at the hiccups, you realize that you have a fellow employee who's been in the doghouse for a few months and is looking for a way out and now you're gonna drop this idea that has a few hiccups. What do you think they might do with this idea? They're going to exploit the hiccups to make you look bad, to throw you under the bus in hopes that they get themselves out. So how quickly do you take from thinking about going in with this idea and expressing yourself and being vulnerable to knowing that you might get your neck cut off to all of a sudden wanting to forget about the whole idea and think about not even worth bringing up. You're gonna be butchered for it, you're gonna put it under the rug and tomorrow, when you go to Monday morning work meeting, it's grab a cup of coffee, grab my doughnut, keep my mouth shut, end of the story. Becomes very easy, but what if we change the culture that's in that office? You have this idea, you have the hiccups, and let's just say the person that you thought who's been in the doghouse, who would exploit you, the culture around him is about being high value, taking responsibility, and now rather than exploiting your hiccups, to him to get out of the dog house would be to help fix the bugs in your idea. Now how easy is it for you to go into an office like that, knowing that you're gonna be supported, knowing that the ideas that you're gonna bring in there are gonna be supported and encouraged and worked on? It changes the whole thing. Another scenario that we all have been familiar with. Perhaps after work, you're gonna go to a happy hour, it's a business happy hour or network meeting, and you see the CEO of the company that you work for and you haven't had a chance yet to share with him or introduce yourself and see this moment as an opportunity for you to stand out and he may have looked in your direction once or twice and you thought, here's my perfect opportunity. Remember the guy that was in the Monday morning work meeting who was gonna exploit the hiccups to make us look bad so he can get out from under the bus? He's sitting next to you, and he sees you look at the CEO, and he's the kind of guy that if he sees you go over there, he's making faces at you, throwing bits of ice. He's Facebook Living it so he can show everyone at work you're gonna get blown out by the CEO. How quickly does that go from walking over there, feeling good about it, to it's not worth me walking over there? Once again if we change that culture and that person is of a high value and sees you walk over there and knows that it's not about whether or not you get the number or you get a good talk with the CEO but understands the risks that you had taken to walk over there and introduce yourself and understands that that in and of itself should be celebrated because you went after something that you wanted, then at that point, how easy is it to walk over there in that moment knowing that no matter what happens in that interaction, when you get back, he's gonna pat you on the back and buy you a shot. It changes everything. So I had talked to you guys. So let's bring you guys up here for a moment.
Alright, we got some volunteers. Come on up on stage. Thanks guys. Give them a round of applause. (audience applauds)
And Byron, yes. (laughs) So what I'm gonna have you guys do, I'm gonna have you guys play these roles. Sirocco, I'm gonna have you be the cooperative person. So show some body language in that and show the crowd what that person would look like, the cooperative value. So smiling, loose, open body language.
Byron, we're gonna have you play the supplicative person. How would that guy look? Not to him but. (laughs) We'll get there. Let's go with just showing the crowd right now. So we have some closed off body language, getting smaller, hands in the pocket, looking down. So I want everyone to look at my man here. Rocco, he's smiling. How at ease did he allow you to feel just looking at him in that position, in that stance? Now we're gonna look at Byron. Let's close in the shoulders a little bit. How does looking at Byron in this position allow you to feel? Sad? (audience laughs) So Travis, we're gonna have you be Mr. Competitive. (audience laughs) Make sure you're casting judgment on every person in this room.
Eric, we're gonna have you play the combative guy. (audience laughs) Alright, so let's have you step out of frame for a second. Travis you step out of frame for a second, and I'm gonna have you guys work a scenario for me. Let's have you come over here. Let's have you here. Now, what we're gonna do is we're gonna put a scenario together and were gonna watch how these values interact with each other. So, I'm gonna have you, you're working in a car garage, and Byron had brought his car here a few days ago to get some work done on it. Now Byron had gotten a call today that his car was finished and at 5 o'clock, he could come down and pick it up, and you're gonna handle this situation. Now the thing is, when Byron gives you his name, you're gonna look in the computer, and you're gonna see that for whatever reason, there had been an error, and it's not done. So, let's go ahead and watch this interaction and allow that to go. Now guys, of course, there's no script to this, however, you do have a value in how you're gonna behave in this moment. Obviously, you'll have a few questions that you're gonna want to have answered, and you're gonna be helping him out. This is California and I am from LA. So action. (audience laughs)
Hello, how's it going?
Oh hi sir, how you doing?
I'm doing alright, how are you?
Good, Rocco, by the way. This is my autobody shop.
Oh great, it looks awesome. Great place you have here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what are you here for today?
I got a call to pick up my vehicle.
Okay, what vehicle?
Uh, Chevy Silverado.
Oh, I saw it. It's a nice truck.
Thank you. I bet you have a nice car too.
Except for, it looks like we're not done with it yet. Did you get a call?
They called me and said it was done.
Oof, yeah, it looks like it's not gonna be ready until tomorrow morning. Is that gonna be okay with you?
Yeah, no, that's fine.
I'll figure out another ride to work.
So I'll personally call you tomorrow morning when it's ready okay? When you come back in, we'll have it washed for you, you'll be good to go.
That could be good, yeah.
Okay cool. Thanks man, have a good day.
Alright, give them a round of applause. (audience applauds) Byron, how did you feel playing this role?
It felt weird, felt powerless.
You felt powerless?
But yet you had a wonderful person to help you out. So let's pull you guys off, and let's get you guys in here. So Travis, you're gonna be behind the counter working, and Eric, you're gonna be the customer. So now, we have Mr. Passive-Aggressive-Combative employee dealing with Mr. Competitive, entrepreneurial guy (mumbles). So, once again, action.
Hey, I'm here to pick up my car.
Ain't everybody? (audience laughs)
I called earlier, you guys said you had it done.
See that screen, you see that screen? How many cars do you see on that screen? 25?
Where's my car?
We're counting how many cars you see on the screen first, right? 25, 30 cars.
I don't care about anybody else. You guys called me. You said it was done.
I don't call anybody. That's in the back. I just handle. Which one is it?
It's Chevy Silverado, gray.
Let me guess, you guys don't have it done.
Uh, nah, we don't. (audience laughs)
Well, what am I gonna do now? I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. What am I, supposed to call a Lyft home tonight and call another one in the morning?
It just says not done. I don't have a date.
Are you guys gonna pay for this?
You already paid for it, right?
Do you wanna pay more for it is what you're telling me? I'll take more money. (audience laughs) I got kids. How many kids you got? I got two, how many you got?
I got to get home to my kids right now.
I'm trying to make money to I can get home to my kids too. The back will call you when it's done. That's not my department. You can talk to somebody else if you want.
I'm gonna have to. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
Alright, cut. (audience applauds) Now, Travis, how did you feel playing this role?
You felt horrible. Why did you feel horrible?
'Cause combative, it's zero sum. You have to win, you have to be the aggressor, you have to be confrontational.
It's a lot of extra expelled energy, isn't it?
Harry, how did you feel playing this role?
It was tough 'cause it's not my normal nature. So I was like, trying to make, even towards the end, I felt myself getting out of the role 'cause it just didn't feel right.
Sure, awesome. Thank you guys very much. You can give them all a round of applause. (audience applauds) In your workbooks, I think I might've passed it up, but there was a section about in your life, whether it was business and personal, what things would you like to change? Do you see that in your workbooks? I'd like you to take a minute and fill that out. At the beginning of it, it says reality. So I'd like you to put in business and personal relationships, in reality, where are you with those. How are you feeling about those? What would you like to improve? Then, what are the roadblocks that would keep you from improving? Lastly, if you had an opportunity to bring those up to where you would like them to be, what does that reality look like? Now after you've filled that out, I want you to go to page 36 of your workbook. In that section, we have the behaviors. We have supplicative, combative, competitive and cooperative, and below that, we have areas of your life, strangers, work, and friends. I would like for you to think a minute and be honest with yourself of the value of the actions and behaviors that we've listed. Which ones do you exhibit in which situations? Now all of us, especially for myself, I know when I look at that list, I see moments in my life where I had been low value and I see the things that I do when I'm low value, and I see moments in my life when I have been high value and know what behaviors I exhibit well when I'm being a high-value person. I'd like for you to be honest with yourself and mark those down under the strangers, networking, work, how was your work relationships and your personal friendships. Do you show any supplicative behaviors and when would you do that? Do you show any combative behaviors? When might you do that? I'll allow you to have a second to fill that out.