how do you use body language when you are negotiating for something that you want? The interesting thing about this is this whole course we've been talking about how do you get someone on the same side as you a negotiation? They're usually not on the same side as you saw. The body language can be can be not always slightly different. So tip number three total this falls on our negotiation is the silent pause so it is so important in a negotiation to get as much information as you possibly can and when you have someone who's on the other team, you want them talking so you can know how to best respond nonverbally and verbally. I talked about earlier how I like to fill awkward pauses in negotiation. I actually on my finger will count beats underneath the table to make sure that I wait an extra few seconds after someone says something, there's two reasons for this. First is people who speak more slowly and with less frequency are seen as more credible, right? You use less words more powerf...
ully. So it makes me think more carefully about what's about to come out of my mouth. And second a lot of the times when I wait those extra three beats, they begin to speak more, they realize they have something more to say or they're nervous and they'll begin to fill that space and it's amazing what they reveal in that non practiced part of their answer. I find our negotiations. People typically go in knowing how they'll answer most questions and when you wait that extra beat they've gone off script and they try to keep going and that's when you learn sometimes the most valuable information that you can in negotiation. So what's most important for all of these negotiations? Watching for chin juts? Chin Jet is the nonverbal body language of anger, right? It is part of the anger micro expression I think someone actually asked in the chat rooms and I didn't get to the question um does a forehead juts also count? Yes it does. A chin jaw and forehead juts are two sides of the same coin. They are territorial display. So it's a way of um throwing out, right if I change it, it goes way beyond my body and so it goes into someone else's territory. Chin Jets are incredibly powerful to watch for negotiations because people will do them even when they're not speaking. So if you're talking about an idea or you're talking about how something works, you might see a change and know exactly what part of the process they don't like. So what often happens in negotiations, what leads to stalemates is that people will be talking and they're like, no, I don't like that and the other person doesn't know exactly what it was that set them off Chin Jets can alert you to a very specific point that made them upset. Okay chair height. So I mentioned yesterday how there was a law firm that I worked with where they had raised the the height of the seats on one side of the table and on the other side of the table, they had lowered the seats and they always brought the opposing team in the lower seats. Um That is because they were using the law of height. We didn't talk with the loss of height in a session, but basically the higher that we are, the more confident we feel and the more superior we are and people who are lower than typically have harder time catching up right there constantly trying to um make up to catch up to the hype, the tall person. So when you have that chair height, um, it makes you feel better how you use this to your advantage. Please do not raise your seat and lower the other person's seat. Okay. I don't want you to do that. But what I do want you to do is as soon as you get into an office, you know, most of those chairs are adjustable. Go to your full height unless it's like really, really tall. Like this picture, you know, go to the full height of the chair. Um, so that you can get your full height. Most people don't even realize that they're on the lowest setting second. Never pick the low couch seat. So many people when they're negotiating for a salary or they're in a client's office. There's the client's desk there in a chair, there's two chairs and there's a little couch. The couch is always the lowest and it looks the most comfortable. So you go and you take the couch that's actually putting you into low body language because you're much much lower and you're sunk back and down and it forces you to roll your shoulders in. So always, always unless you're watching a movie or watching tv always avoid that low couch because it puts you into low body language. So really easy thing you can do on seat height, number six, avoid and watch for the judge duty. So the judge duty is when we peer over our glasses. So everyone who's put their glasses on after we talked about how makeup and glasses work for you, make sure to never peer over your glasses at someone. It is a negative, critical, judgmental nonverbal cue when you look over your glasses at someone, it's like saying I'm being critical of you right now, which you never want to do. So if you have glasses, be sure you look at everyone with high level the steeple, which we talked about. So in negotiations you can be a lot freer when you use the steeple, the steeple is the gesture of wisdom, confidence and superiority. I say you have to be a little careful with this. When you're in social situations or casual business situations in negotiations, you can use this a lot more freely, especially when you're listening to other people's points. It can also make you feel more calm. I've noticed that when I do this in a high intense situation doing this makes me actually feel more grounded. And this is a personal anecdote that I'm like, makes me feel calm and collected so I don't react as strongly right away. It also helps me stay silent. Right? That silent pause that we talked about somehow doing this is like, okay, yep, stay quiet, It's very calming. So you can do that to calm yourself down. Number nine, let's talk about how to defuse tensions. So we talked about, I've had to know someone, someone's into you negotiations and now these sticky situations that we get into, we all have them. Unfortunately, I wish less often than not. Office drama, confrontations, disagreement and a little bit of negotiation when it goes sour, Right. When you get into that sort of he said, she said, how do you defuse that tension nonverbally first concede space When we are upset, our desire for space typically expands, so when we're upset, we're feeling that energy going, we want literally more breathing room. So what would normally be comfortable for us in the social zone actually gets much wider because we feel like we need to get that breathing room. So if you see someone who's upset, you actually can physically concede space. This works in two ways, you can do this to calm someone down to give them the space. You can also do this to show that you're not a threat, right? So when we're about to fight someone, we usually will lean in towards them. That's what we do more fighting. Leaning back is saying, I do not want to fight with you about this. That is not what I'm here for. It's a great neutral disengagement body language that you can do. Now. You can do this standing obviously by stepping. You can also do this sitting, you can lean back in your chair, let them kind of vent. Yes, you have your moment, go ahead. I'm giving you space. You can also sit back by scooting back your chair and say tell me all about it and you can scoop back your chair. I'm giving you the space, I'm giving you the floor to do it and I don't want to know is how I hold up my palms as well. The palm gestures also great here just to say not a threat to you. You just tell me what's wrong, right? That's the way that you can calm them down as well as show that you're not a threat. Deep breeze to help them mimic you. So we talked about mirroring that we subconsciously mirror the people that were with if you want someone to calm down, you want to display calm body language to help them mirror. Now, that sounds very like of course that makes a lot of sense. This is the opposite of what actually happens when someone's in a tense situation and they are either accusing you of something or they're angry. They usually are like how dare you do this and you actually go into fight response. So what I'm telling you to do is when you're thinking yourself, how can I call this person down? I want you to go back to that calming neutral body language, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath before you speak. That will cue them to take a deep breath before they speak. You can relax your head, relax your arms. That is the opposite of what your brain is going to want you to do. But if you don't want to have a fight with them showing them that you're gonna be neutral will help them also calm down, take a walk together. So studies have shown that movement gets that adrenaline and that energy out. So for in a sticky situation or if your friend has just had or a colleague has just had a fight with someone and they're like I cannot calm down. The best thing you can do for them is take a walk with them, that movement helps get the adrenaline out and we also feel very bonded with someone when we take steps together. When you, when you walk with someone you typically walk in the same pace, like you take the same steps you move in the same space. So if you're talking with some, you can say you know, I just need to get some fresh air. Do you want to take a walk and talk about this? That can be a really great way to get them out of the room out of closed body language and get that adrenaline out, especially if you've already finished the fight and now you're trying to work together, you've had a little disagreement. This is the perfect thing to do. Let's let's go get a coffee, let's go out and grab something to eat. Um that can get that adrenaline out so you can then be collaborative. So the last thing is to eat or drink together. So back in our caveman days when we um take sustenance together, it is a bonding activity when we eat or drink with someone, we feel more connected and bonded to them. It also helps us think more clearly because we have more energy and our body feels like we're getting sustenance. So if you have a big negotiation plan or you know that you have a really heavy day, you might want to think about, you know, do we want to plan a lunch afterwards to sort of take down the tension. Do you want to go to lunch beforehand to build the connection so that we're on a much nicer playing field? We go into the negotiations. So using food and drink, that's another reason why I like to serve hot cocoa in my office because it's a very calming of, it's very high energy. And so if they're upset, I'm like, you know, can I get you a glass of cocoa? Can I get you some tea? Um that actually it's a switch in their brain to okay, taking some sustenance and it's a different focus points. So think about how you can maybe eat or drink before after or during. Um and that's also a great, we had to take a break, right? If you're feeling like it's getting really heated, you can say um can we just take a quick break? I just need to get some water. You get up, you walk around a little bit, you can move back your chair, it gives them some space. Um huge, huge fan of taking a break and then going and bring back water. Okay number 11, removing blocks and what I mean by blocks are things that can just trip you up without meaning to these are not necessarily body language related, but they can be. So the first thing is never be late again. I find that people go into low confident body language when they are late because they're rushing. It's the last thing they can think about. So if you can build in more time, especially for the important meetings, forget you know, for them, it's for you to give yourself time to go to the bathroom, power pose a little, get a newspaper out um and not be out of breath, have adrenaline pumping because of the traffic. Those are just, it's a really easy block that you can remove to make sure that you don't trip yourself up. Second, throw away any uncomfortable clothes. I know this is a big challenge, but it's spring. So let's do some spring cleaning, go in your closet this weekend, try on all of your clothes and whatever is uncomfortable, Whatever doesn't make you feel good, get rid of it because what happens is when you're in that uncomfortable clothes, it can be painful. Like the woman who wore shoes that didn't really fit her or things that are too tight or the jeans, like you feel like you can't breathe right? So physically shows on your body in your face, but be it will make you feel less confident and that will also show in your answers. So go through it and good will get a lot of donations. Hopefully this weekend as you go through things and you only keep the stuff that makes you feel awesome. I think uncomfortable, Get rid of it because it will show on your face. Lastly have a story toolbox. So this is something I talk about when I teach influence, I teach charisma courses. One of the things that our brains love is hearing a story. We love the phrase once upon a Time and one thing that I do when I'm nervous is I go back to the stories that I enjoy telling. So sometimes I'm at networking events. I'm at meetings. I have a toolbox. It's a it's a 5 to 10 stories that I love to tell their either funny or they're empowering or they're interesting and I will weave them into conversation.