Mirroring & Connecting Your Language
Let's talk about our verbal communication. So we learned about what to look for with the visual, auditory, and kinesthetic, or what to listen for, I should say, with the visual, auditory and kinesthetic. And what to listen for with the values, identifiers, emotions, beliefs, emotions and stories. So, what would you think would be the natural conclusion of mirroring with our verbal language? Yes.
I think it's part of what we covered earlier. It comes down to tone, speed, word choice or vernacular.
Things that come immediately to mind.
Perfect. So specifically what the word choice and the vernacular, and I love that you said vernacular because one thing we didn't talk about yet is, some people use like colloquial phrases, and if I pick up that from my mark, I will incorporate more of those colloquial phrases when I speak. So any of those little signals that you can pick up and say oh I can mirror that. Then do so. So with language in particular. So if I'm a Kinestheti...
c and I'm speaking to a visual, which we saw in our last segment, what did you notice that I did?
You started using the same words as she was using.
Exactly. So with that situation I didn't necessarily use her exact words which you can do, and I'll talk about a second, but I changed my descriptive language, from my familiar kinesthetic to her more comfortable visual. So I changed my metaphors to match her linguistic preference. Right? So if I know somebody's influential vibes, if I know their values what can I incorporate into my language when trying to influence them? Go ahead.
Their ideas and beliefs basically. Things that point towards that without being overt.
Exactly. And I love that it's without being overt. So you're not going to say. I know you value independence. (audience laughs) And this is going to help you be more independent, but there are ways that you can incorporate that in your language to reinforce their values, beliefs identity, etc, their vibes. And there are ways that you can validate their vibes.
Chris you have a question.
So, what you mean like. So independence is an example, so then would it be using like, if you want a positive response using words like, free and open and stuff like that?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
So it's embodying the idea of it.
Because whatever their value is, and once you identify this is the beauty of the field guide, once you identify the values, you can come up with a full list of synonyms for that value and then figure out how to incorporate into your influential intentions. Same with how they identify themselves. Same with their beliefs, same with the emotional state. If they love golf, then you might be able to talk about, it wouldn't be synonyms, but related things to golf. You know, watching golf, playing golf. I know nothing about golf so I shouldn't have chosen that example.
We have a question in the chatroom from Joe and they want to know, what do you do if you get caught nearing the target? If they just kind of notice, because now we have all these people. We have all these people who are savvy now, and they're going to be looking for this. Is that something where you can just call somebody out. And be, oh are you mirroring me right now? How does that? How does that work?
That's a phenomenal question. As somebody who knows this, I know when somebody is mirroring me. I pick up on it. I see these signals. I don't say anything because I understand their intention. Now if they're doing it badly, which honestly I haven't, I rarely see. It's either people are not doing it at all, or they're doing it and they're doing just fine. They're doing it well. What I love is, and you can't really judge if they're doing it consciously because again what I'm teaching you is how to take a subconscious reaction and bring it to your conscious awareness. So just because someone starts mirroring you then that could just be a sign of they subconsciously feel in rapport with you, so I certainly wouldn't want to judge that or place anything on that. Also talking about mirroring and the rapport, when people start to mirror you and your body language then you know they're in rapport, but when they start to use your phrases in their language again, that is a subconscious result of rapport. I have had so many people who have attended my courses and workshops that when we're in a conversation about something completely unrelated, then they'll say something like, you know I picked up on their vibes, and they are using my language to describe something, and I know that one, they have incorporated and bodied a lesson. But this is also happens in normal everyday life. The way I describe something like a TV show. And then somebody might use the same phrase that I use to describe that show. It means that they feel in sync with me. Literally in sync. Our language is in sync. So that's what rapport, how it happens in the real world. What we're talking about is just bringing it, kind of manufacturing it to our advantage. Make sense?
Awesome. Okay, so. We are going to, I want you guys to see this in action. So I need two volunteers from our audience to come up on stage and just have a chat. Alright we've got one. And we've got two. Awesome. Round of applause.
Alright volunteers. (audience claps) Thank you so much.
Alright so. Erika you're very fortunate because Chris does have an improv background. So this is going to be great.
So what we're going to do is kind of an improv/coaching exercise. Who wants to be the influencer?
What would you prefer?
I'll be the mark.
Okay, I'll be the influencer.
I love it. I love it when people volunteer to be the mark. I love that, alright. So, and I want you to influence Erika to, what scenario shall we create for them? Sales situation? Or where we should go to dinner? Not that's a little bit too-
What movie to watch.
What movie to watch. Okay how about, plans for tonight?
I just want to broaden it out a little bit.
Plans for tonight or the weekend, whichever one you prefer.
Okay. So, let's do a little recap, what do we know about Erika?
I know that she's a dancer, that she is a coach right now. She's focusing on helping other people. She's just getting started. I don't remember the values though. I don't.
I would think growth is probably my type.
Growth, yeah, exactly. Growth was very important to you. Thank you.
I think that's very easy. You're a mark please give me more.
And we have visual and kinesthetic?
Yeah, I think it's a toss up of probably visual.
Visual is a little bit more.
Great. And anything other, identify, we'll we did the dancer part and coach part and growth.
And I actually gave I think probably yesterday, I just realized that I gave an identifier, I said, I'm very agreeable.
Good news influencer.
Wouldn't you agree that tonight we can see ourselves going to a movie?
Honestly that was genius. Did you catch that?
That was really good?
I want to recap. So say your genius line again. Wouldn't you agree that tonight we could see yourself going to a movie with me, right?
That sounds great.
So, what he did. I want to breakdown that statement because it's perfect. So, he used her identifier of being agreeable. He incorporated that into a presumptive phrase, wouldn't you agree, rather than do you want to? That you could see us watching a movie tonight. So we have seeing and watching. We have her envisioning herself in the theater and a visual activity. How can you say no to this
That's right, that's right.
This is phenomenal. So what we just did, in breaking down and describing her is, what the process that we go through in the field guide. So again, if you have these notes on Erika, all you have to do is what would be interesting to her. No let's make it a little bit more challenging. Instead of a movie--
Let's say what would be not enjoyable to you.
Riding a roller coaster.
Riding a roller coaster. You want to go to Six Flags and how are you going to convince her to do so.
Alright. That's a tough one.
I already feel my body language. I'm already like. I don't think so.
No, no, no.
I'm agreeable, but I don't think so.
It's okay honestly, if we go there we don't have to go on the roller coaster, instead what I think is, what I love about Six Flags right? Is there is a lot of people watching. You can go there and just kind of see people and just enjoy that experience. Would you be interested in going with me?
Let's talk about the value of growth and not only that, we could watch the roller coaster, right? And that's like a step forward that's a step, because I know the roller coaster is a bit of a fear for you. So it's just this little step forward that we could take and I think that's a good growth experience. I appreciate that you're not pushing me on the roller coaster like most people would. But if we get there, I'm not quite sure that I would actually get on the roller coaster.
So she already has a visual picture of her saying no. So paint the visual picture of what yes would look like.
That's interesting I don't know that I know how to do that.
So a little coaching if you don't mind.
No. You know, even as we're talking about the roller coaster I can see you already tensing up.
But what an amazing thing that happens is once we go on the roller coaster. First of all, I'm going to hold your hand the entire way, it's going to be great. And then, once we get this experience it's a once in a life time type of feeling you're not going to get anywhere else and you just feel the sense of, see I'm going kinesthetic, this relaxation after the roller coaster so. I know that right now you're seeing yourself kind of tensing up, but what if we kind of just eased into it and walked together towards it. The seats are going to be comfortable and you can talk to me the whole time. So I'm trying to like paint the full picture. What's landing what's not?
Well so I have a story. I think we'd have to get this, but my story is no. I've tried it. I'm all about growth, but I don't get that relaxed feeling afterwards. There is nothing enjoyable about it. So I have a story that there is nothing enjoyable about it. Like roller coasters equal nothing but anxiety.
I'm coming from like a very non growth place because that was 10 years ago.
But, alternately instead of like leading up to it, it sounds like you, being on the roller coaster and seeing yourself there drives a lot of anxiety. Could we talk about being done with it? Seeing yourself after the roller coaster?
But that's the story I have. Is that after--
Wait, wait wait.
So my initial story is,
What if I don't think about it is. There is nothing that's where I will go, and I will be happy to wait in line with you. We'll have a great time. To get on it is just not worth it.
Now, I think that if someone probed me and said, well when was the last time that you were on a roller coaster?
And my answer would be 10 years ago. Sort of follow up to that could be, well, from knowing you, I know that you really stepped into an open and growth mindset. I know that you've sort of driven into that in the last 10 years. So let's try it again.
And that actually I already feel like I hadn't thought about that. I already feel like a little like, okay let's try it again.
You're an amazing influencer of yourself. You do all the work.
So we knew that when we were the influencers on this side, kind of tapped in that growth was our potential hook.
And what we unwittingly knew is that we chose something that has a strong belief and a strong story grounded. So we had an uphill battle to climb. And within the two minutes that we've been up here probably not enough time to build the full rapport. However, I love that you explaining how one could influence you towards this was attached to the vibe of your value of this new sense of growth. We just didn't. We knew that that was the door. We just didn't know how to open it.
So if we had more time. So if we sat down and just say have coffee or dinner I could learn the story. I can understand that and then like you said build up some rapport and then be able to take it a little slower. Because it's such a strong reaction.
So strong. It's different then what movie are we going to watch tonight. We chose something that's like grr. Kind of a battle against it. And also, what would happen is once we realized that this was going to be an uphill battle we would, and we'll talk about this in our next session, we would find ways to prime her leading up to it. So we do some priming techniques to make her more open to this. So I love that we at least were able to find that that growth trigger was there so.
When I didn't know that the growth trigger was there. At the beginning of all that, I would have probably said that there was no way that I would have let my guard down and agreed to try it. Really. So that's like very powerful. I wouldn't of even thought that I'd get to that place. So that's--
That's great and how we can even beef up that influence is you also value helping other people. So one other influential hook that I might find is if you don't take this step then you are not leading, you are not being the example for your coaching clients. Because if you don't take a leap then they're not going to take a leap. I could potentially hook that in there. As well as, and this is a little bit of a stretch but if, I know that health is important to you. So if maybe there is some really super awesome study that says that riding a roller coaster and getting adrenaline helps you lose 10 pounds, I'm showing you that study. So there would be, I think there are potentially definitely two maybe even three hooks that we could find from those vibes. So do we want to flip it around? And you be the mark and you be the influencer?
What are we influencing Chris to do?
What about like a joining a book club? Joining a book club. That's it. And the reason why I chose that is because I know he values independence and free time and he's an adventurer. So that's the closest thing I could come up with that's the opposite of those. Just to make it a little bit more challenging. So what do we know about Chris? And again this is what you would be writing in your influence field guide. These are the sections in that workbook. So what do we know about Chris?
So we know that Chris is independent but I think from what I've heard, it sounds to me like you value individual people telling their stories and sort of inspiring others or sharing their individual stories with other people. So when I hear a book club, just thinking about a book club might not sound that great but I was, so I was thinking would say, hey I'm starting a book club. So I was wondering how to start it, but I thought that sort of the hook could be I thought that your perspective would really add a lot to the other group members.
I want to breakdown what just happened. We all picked up on the non verbal signal of that didn't quite fly. So great job. Continue.
Okay, so what else do I know?
So you had a little bit more positive body language around people sharing their stories. He validate, his chest went up, he nodded his head. And then when you said share your story he backed away and sunk in. Go back to what was working.
So then I go to thinking of, so there is these six people in a group and he's not necessarily excited about sharing his story, but maybe encouraging other people to talk about their experience.
Okay. Tell us about, imagine these six people. Who would he want to meet and why would he want to meet them and listen to them? You can make it up. You can sugar it up like. Somebody else just went through the Sahara on a motorcycle or whatever.
Okay. So yeah, adventure.
It doesn't have to be adventure. If I can help over here.
A couple of things you might not know that I can help you with. One is, sense of belonging and community is important to me.
He did mention that in the first session.
And then two, I think you hit on it is, who is there? And interesting conversations are also a strong trigger for me. So it doesn't have to be so many adventures specific, but highlighting who you can connect with in conversations may be helpful as well.
Notice everybody freeze. Notice how we've gotten into more rapport. Did you do this consciously or subconsciously?
That a girl. (audience claps)
Sometimes I don't know if I should be, but I thought. No, we're really going to be talking.
I'll just go here.
So, let's see. So one thing I've noticed with the book clubs that I've participated in is the book is just sort of a trigger to get into some very deep and interesting conversations and to be able to connect with people that aren't necessarily like minded, and to be able to learn from those conversations.
You're pulling me in. You absolutely are.
Awesome. Great job.
And so, how do you sort of close it? Does that sound interesting to you?
Oh great. So does that sound interesting to you, is a social cue that the natural response is, yeah sure.
That's not a firm close. So the question is, so we do these every Wednesday, which one do you want to come to to visit? So it's an open question for a firm date and plan.
That's the close that we're going for. Because that's the mark. The true influential intention is his butt is in the seat at the book club.
If I can add to it. Like if there is a specific person there, again you help me out, I'm thinking through my mind, you're like oh, this guy is going to be here then, he's going to be there Wednesday, can you be there as well.
Or my friend Roy, I think you guys would really connect and I think that you'd complement each other. I'd love for you to meet him on Wednesday.
Absolutely. And if you did that and maybe, an example as to why you think we'd connect, so it's not so general
You would have my attention, absolutely.
Right so, what he's explaining to you is we found the right influential vibe and now what he is suggesting is adding more of the what is in it for me? You've piqued my interest, on a philosophical level sort of speak, but now I'm relating it down to what am I really getting out of this? And so, the connection with Roy and how it might help his business or his podcast or anything of his other projects.
I think your interview with him about x,y,z would make an awesome live podcast.
Right, anything along those lines.
Yeah, I'd be there, perfect.
See even his naturally kind of lighting up even more.
Can I meet Roy?
It's don't even know a Roy.
It's great, alright give them a round of applause. Thank you guys. Great job. So, obviously this is a different scenario than the real world because we had the mark helping the influencer. And some coaching on the side. We acknowledge that. However, there is no reason why she wouldn't be able to get that type of information from Chris. In fact, she already had it about the community, about conversations, about people stepping out of their box, and sharing their stories from that. He really, did identify those. It just was in a conversational way and not as clear and overt as it was in this exercise. So it just goes to show that this influential vibes happen continuously and being able to turn on the mechanism bring up the antennas and hear them, and then write them down for further evaluation, is the foundation of this entire influential process. So we had the same goal of the book club, and for her a book club might be, hey you get to read a really cool book. That's not going to be a hook for him, potentially. And he's even shaking his head, not it's not. So, the message stays the same, but we're just going to wrap it around with different wrapping paper that makes it more appealing to him. Question?
I can see how for me, practice is going to be very important, because I was so at first in my head, about asking the right question or figuring it out that I didn't even notice his body language at first. So I would have completely missed.
Missed when he was lighting up and when he went away.
I would have completely missed that telling his story was not applicable and I would have just gone right down that rabbit hole. So for me, keeping that intention of the observation and the curiosity rather than all just up in my head about it.
Right. So the great thing about this workshop and you guys being here and participating and people watching from home and having your influence field guide is it gives you the chance to workshop this on paper and sit with it and look at it and gives you the chance to be in your head. So that way when you are with the person you can, you already have all this knowledge. You've already though it through, so now you can kind of let that go and then turn on the curious side. And have the natural feeling conversation. Chris, how are people in the chatroom?
The chatroom really loved that whole exercise. We have people joking round saying oh tell him that Oprah or some other celebrity is going to be at the book club. Wendell has a great point here. And they say, independent thinkers at the book club have interesting conversations about controversial books. So getting him in there based on the book that is going to be discussed.
Love that. Well done.
That was a good pick because I could read a book on my own anytime right? So it's the people and the interaction--
I love that insight. Fantastic. Irina.
What if a person that I'm interested in influencing in the long term, trying to influence me back, siding me to the book club that I don't want to go to,
What would be the gracious way to get out of this situation but without breaking their rapport that I start building with that person?
So that's going to lead in a technique that we're going to talk about later and that is reciprocity. So, you need to ask yourself is my influential intention worth more than the sacrifice to become a part of this thing I don't want to be a part of. And if that's the case, then you just have to bite the bullet and go to the book club. If it's not, and you just absolutely can't be a part of that goat sacrifice or whatever it is that you want to do.
It's the same thing, book club, goat sacrifice. Interchangeable.
So if you really cannot be a part of that then you need to figure out, are there substitutions other options that I could do, maybe can I support the book club in a different way. Can I promote it instead of being a part of it. Like what are different ways to still give something in return, because if they want something from you and you want something from them, and you say no. Then they go okay, there is precedent, no to yours. So you need to figure out what give and take you're willing to be a part of. Very good question, very good question. Okay so let's move on to one of the most important first steps of creating connections with people. Smile everybody. So many times when we have this mission of I need this to get done. That reads across our face. The stress. The concern. The worry. The self doubt. And one of the best ways that you can combat that is to smile. And this is a big part of the embodied cognition that we talked about in the previous session. When we smile, our brain registers that and goes, oh we're doing that smile thing, here is some dopamine, here is some norepinephrine. That's awesome, let's do the smile thing more. I'll help you out with that. And it changes your chemistry, just simply by smiling. And we talked about how therapists will sometimes give the homework to people who suffer with depression to look at themselves in the mirror and smile for a certain period of time. And it helps. Second of all, is when you smile, people and their mirror neurons see that and mirror it back. So you through your presence and smiling are already influencing them and their presence. It's like if there were a silver bullet, in influence. This is it. This is it. Plus, just a little icing on the cake, when you smile you are perceived to be more attractive. Bam! Go to the bars. So please remember that this is potentially one of your easiest and most powerful and potent technique. Don't undervalue this. Smile and they will like you more.