Create Habits of Mindfulness
So you want to create habits of this mindfulness one of the ways to do that is to tie habits together I'm gonna get really into that in the third session day but time habits together is easier for a brain you already have one habit you've already developed this neural pathway that brushes your teeth every day imagine if you got up and had to think about all of that up down back forth you already have the habit you have a way your brain made it easier so now you can add to it a habit of mindfulness and this is just an example you guys, you're creative, you're going to come up with your own ones um and I would love to hear your thoughts you come up with when you brush your teeth great time to take a breath and decide what your mind set is great time what are other great times to just q and does something you're already going to do and tack on to it pick a mindset picked mindfulness waking up I'm going to sleep waking up and going to sleep starting and ending your day with mindfulness is ...
huge have you been playing with us trying to yeah, especially meditation first thing in the mornings my mind so clear that's apparently chance of yeah yeah I want to do it successfully I love there's actually a brain state alfa state named that point when your first waking up and the world hasn't really rushed in and the clarity is so lovely you have to capture what you think in that moment keep a note pad by your bed you've got to capture it because it's not directly access to memory at that state but it's a beautiful place to be and that's a great place to put in the mindfulness and just experiment with that state I love that um when I opened the garage door yeah, I know what I've noticed is that uh in my apartment you go down the stairs out the door and um I've started open pressing the button to open the garage door before I get out of the stairs down the stairs I can see the garage door because I'm just always in such a rush but I think actually it might be nice to wait to open the button and time standing at the garage door and take that time first bro I love that I mean talk about a teeny little thing that might make a difference in your day we're not talking about adding an hour to your day we're talking about when you push the button for the garage door right I mean this is not you know this isn't huge but it can make a difference in giving yourself that moment just a moment how big is that? I had a client who cheap very busy professional again um professional career that with very long hours and she loved her family dearly she loved your children she couldn't wait to be with him but she needed a moment between coming home from work and going into that house and she took to parking for a few seconds she had to tell some neighbors but she would park for a few seconds around the block and collect yourself before she went in the house and shoes who she wanted to be going into that house that's mindfulness it's taking back that choice instead of walking into the house and doing the automatic thing of oh my god the whole kitchen's a mess the homework isn't done I've got to get stuff ready for tomorrow I've got my own work to dio and doing that automatic pathway that's mindless and frustrating and stressful she would take a moment and just decide okay this work has ended right now I'm going to decide who I want to be tonight and that's closing the day it's a really cool thing to dio any other ideas on little habits that could make a difference in mindfulness um some people said well clear of our race saying I do I exercises and some breathing nice yup that helps tomorrow she should she does that what she's waiting for a computer to boot up perfect thank you the ethical so she's booting herself up that's great we're looking at yeah absolutely I love that I'm stealing that yeah but keep the ideas coming yeah, I do love that so really again what we're doing is connecting dots we know what makes us function and we've got to create habits to help us function we've got to keep repeating those things that we intend we've got to put and you could I wish I had this on one of those things where you could play around with like you know, those balls with the strings that come because you could keep playing this around they all interconnect and when we connect we really start to feel it so I would love if there's someone in the online community who wants to offer something or one of you three wants to offer something to coach around just reframing something something you want to play with that you'd like to refrain maybe it's something that you're just tired of being frustrated about or it's something you kind of know there's another way to look at it and you just haven't found it yet or something someone what you should do well this size right now it's somewhat in the past but this is kind of one is problem client situations because it's something I think all kind of hopefully not that I might have I might run into again so I'd like to kind of think you can make him up too yeah yeah so get in the background is the somebody had hired me to do some marketing work and, um, delivered the results, but it wasn't the results kind of that they they hired you to do the marketing where exactly were delivered in my my perspective allover the results in their perspective, they had a different expectation of what the results were in, you know, quite unhappy about it. They were. And it was this kind of, like, long kind of drawn out thing about about that, uh and caused a lot of stress. Probably if I had to think, did you have to continually interact with this person then? Yeah, for that kind of period? Because it was this whole kind of trend, you know, on kind of to justify, you know, creating more report showing that yes, indeed you had, you know, the results that you were, you know, asked for etcetera. And so you had to justify yourself. Yeah, and but there was, you know, you know, threats, etcetera. All these kinds of things from got nasty and dirty because I got yeah, so so that's like something I you know, I want to think about how to reframe and recon in the future, you know, never kind of get in there, not get into that kind of not play that game exactly. Well, first of all you probably will get a chance to play that game again but you can change your game you can't change the other person's game um and so often hear the story because I'm some of the coach and I do is what they call remedial coaching like somebody's been at we need to get a coach for somebody because their behavior is like that um and so often what one finds out is that person has something else going on in their life that's causing them to act that way um so compassion is a good a good start for that but tell me a little about the stress that you felt it was one of those from my experience it was like I just couldn't think like you're talking about what happened you know, when those worksheets what happens when you're under a lot of stress and their middle it was hijacking your brain man like I just could I think about anything else it was just like I'm like how do I solve this problem? How do I you know, not have this person you know, totally angry at me calling me all the time threatening to sue all the stuff so it was like it was just like I was in a fog that's what it felt like and kind of, you know, physically evolved like like what was your fear in that situation I think one I mean there's a couple of different different points they're different fears the one who was just like the, um fear of just having the kind of barrage of like, you know, angry you know words and another flicked your khan I think conflict was one thing I think there was a fear just of uh you know, being sued I think is another thing um uh no financial loss potentially I think probably those different areas and you felt secure that what you did was good work you're doubting you're saying there's probably you know as it like I think I could at a certain point I got until my own like mind spin where I like oh my gosh, well, maybe I didn't do exactly you know, so was actually was interesting as I made this report then I became or confident because I'm like I have you know, I had to actually go through in depth put together I put together a thirty page report of like, okay, this is everything and then I'm like, whoa, kat wow it's a lot more than even I thought I did, but but there was that point when it was like my own and that's happened before another kind of situation again, it could be personal the same thing where I've begun to doubt myself because of that person can just be so persuasion condition right exactly human condition when we're attacked first we defend ourselves and then we start to doubt ourselves actually so the doubt you no way you know and then the defense gets even worse because we're fighting against ourselves and it gets really quite amazing what we can dio and that's basically the four year old has gone in the corner and had a temper tent that's our inner selves going on in there so I thank you for sharing that and I, um when that comes up just will you just give a great description of how much energy you were spending on it? What do you think would be a great way to wreak coop some of that energy immediately? Um well let's say again I'm in the midst of it not to begin like if if somehow I could, like detach myself enough from it so like, okay, just because you know, there's like let's say, you know, somebody's angry at me doesn't mean that I have to experience, you know that, right? I mean, if if I could get to that point, that would be I think, right, right, I'm not there yet, but so first coming down and the talking that you just did, I think was really helpful and scene, you know, that there's some fears under it and some of them are that this person is doing something to me and some of them the deeper fear it's that wow, what if they're right? Um and ah lot of that's projection on this person who's just killing that you it's it's what we do um one of the fun defense mechanisms in that situation when a person's really toxic when my when my daughter was learning to drive on dh she has eighty days I've mentioned she's gonna kill me, but she she went to dr and as a parent, having your child learned to drive is probably one of the most stressful things that could possibly happen. It's it's up there on the scales I wanted to quickly invent a car that if you tapped it, it would rise up like a bubble and I had this picture of all these teenagers, you know, you tapped their car and they just rise up like a little bubble. Maybe they're like little smart cars with balloons in him and they would rise well. I started playing with that with a few clients in this concept of when you feel yourself triggered in that moment and this person is being that angry with you let yourself just rise right then and look back down in the situation it'll give you a different perspective it'll take you out of your triggered self and into my into your curious self wow, look at that person pick on simon it's sound sort of silly in a sense it's it's not that different than putting on the spacesuits but the's little visualizations we can play with with ourselves allow us to reset our perspective it allows you to see your big picture again so he's yelling at you and you just start taking some deep breaths let it go let let the yelling continue why you and your mind just look down on it instead and get your com back um that's a funny little reset that does work in some of those toxic situations learning howto handle crucial conversations is a really good stress management tool that is a whole course unto itself um crucial conversations and I'm going to touch on it actually a little bit in the next part with non violent communication but it's a it's an area where you can state back to that person when you get the courage beyond your fear of losing him is a client. You get the ability to say the data this is the report that you asked for here are the numbers you might see this on page make it pretty complicated you might see that some page two this is exactly the piece of information you were asking me for I feel like what you're saying right now is that I haven't delivered that and I need you to see that it is right here, and if there's more, you'd like, we need to have that conversation. You stay as calm as you can stay, even if it takes faking it. But first brief feel your feet on the ground. I've even had some people in the middle of a conversation like that put a hand just energetically put a hand down here during the conversation and that is grounding. Just bring your attention to your feet. Bring your attention to your hand, ground yourself and with the person that you know you are and that's. Why it's helpful to have a theme that's? Why it's helpful to have a gps thing that you can say to yourself? Um, you repeated in that moment because that's your anchor that's your anchor to who the strongest simon is who's going to take the courage to say what he needs to say or you say, you know, I'd really like to think about what you just said, and I would like to come back to this conversation. I I hear that you're upset. I'd like to think about what you said, and I'm gonna come back to this conversation and that just diffuse is for the moment so that you can come back out of your triggered st that's, buying yourself time and it's a really good thing to do. You can't change that that person in front e wants immediate satisfaction and they wanted with your head on it it's you can't um and so you do the best you can do day to day and give yourself a little compassion for doing that and that's a great thing, does that help that? I think that will be, yes, something we're trying in this kind situations and really trying to stay grounded, and I like that idea of kind of imagining this balloon, you know? Yeah, I think that is the think they're not, you know, when somebody is in not mindset, I've seen it, they just, you know, person that they can't leave that it doesn't matter what that's my experience that you can't leave that mindset, what you don't want them to do is steal your mindset right? Don't let him steal it, take it back really take it back in that moment and that's really what all of this is about how much energy air you dumping. The other part is to look at the bigger picture I'm in business for myself. Here are the clients who irritate me, and I'm going to decide how much I spend on that I cannot be in business without having an occasional person an irritating ah wait in fact, I cannot be a human without encountering some people who are not going to be my best buddies we don't resonate with everybody we just don't and we can't fix other people's problems were not perfect either own that you sometimes we've done something that's irritate somebody else, but when you when you raise to that level and say you know what? This was just on the scale one of those frustrating days it has less import than when you're stuck in trying to fix it and that's where we get stuck, any thoughts coming from we could really a lot of feedback here from people who was saying you know what? Jean marie asked them online what would you like to reframe and it's really being flowing? So I'll try and pick out a few few here here and there here is saying I used to adopt I don't care to cope with a bad period of my life, but now that's just become a really bad habit they reframe and get out of that mindset. I want you to care about your life, claire of our air saying they'd like to reframe the stress of negotiating a fear of reprisal or loss whether sending something back or trying to get more money for a new job like that so reframing the fear of negotiation yes fear of reprisal or loss you know if you're trying to get more money for a new job or that you might lose your job right and boy has that one escalated since the recession for so so many people uh that is a natural fear name what you're really afraid of and go in as your best self you cannot make up their minds for them you only have the choice to be your best self in the moment so it's almost thiss sounds counterintuitive but it's almost arrogant of us to assume that something we say persuades the other person in particular we only have the choice in the moment to be the best us we can be and they buy it or they don't buy it so it's right to be afraid that you may lose your job in one way but developing some trust that what's going to turn out well turn out eventually is is part of it and that the in order for it to turn out the best way is for you to be concentrating on being your boy best recognized the fear wow there goes the fear I see it it triggers me into the same space I was in fifth grade when somebody dissed me or kicked me off the team and it's related it's that same gut feeling recognize it, breathe it, power yourself back up again and then be the best self you khun b in the in the face of that negotiation if you lose it you lose it and you're going to deal going to be strong now overwhelmed ten and I may be wrong about this, but I think they were the person who was with us on session one who had just retired. I was dealing with the stress of ray of that on there, saying here what they need to reframe is because I have been very supportive of other people. I feel they should be supportive of me. I need to reframe that thinking, yeah, um, here's a tough one overwhelmed ten it's not true because you gave doesn't mean you get even though that's sort of the mentality that we have in our society. Let go of that resentment. And that sounds like cindy just said, like, okay, I will it's not that easy, and I understand that, but look at your expectation of what is took her. Does this person oh, you something because you we're kind does the world owe you something because you were kind? The real answer is no and hopefully you got from giving hopefully you've already gotten and when we play tit for tat, we really get into trouble. It's human nature. I've done it. We've all done it. Um, and then the other part of that is are you expressing your needs well enough if you really need something are you asking or are you assuming this person's going teo understand that you need this or that you help them with this and now you're dealing with moving or doing something and you would expect them to come offer maybe you just need to ask and ask kindly so I hope that helps that this stuff is tough it really is I'm mary kay is sharing with the some example and I'm not quite sure I'm getting this right marissa please feel free to follow up if I explain this wrong but she's had two experiences just this afternoon in traffic when I when I did things other people just didn't approve off but she's not doing this while driving right really good really good just checking is a really good question listen out for the screeching wheels it's the first time ever that I have no reaction and the reason is because my mind is just exhausted I don't want to be a zombie all the time but it's just helpful and it's certainly a lightbulb experience to sort of just switch off and not react at all wow that's fascinating if I explained that wrong mary please feel free to come back you know when I first started to dio any kind of mind body work working in the psych office and I was the first thing I started with was temperature by a feedback when we're anxious our hands get cold when you're up on stage rains kit called ah whoa moran and it's our sympathetic nervous system clamping down and you can do temperature training you can actually sit with an indoor outdoor thermometer the outdoor part taped to your finger and practice relaxation techniques until you get that temperature of your finger to go back up again it's really fascinating that what you think khun change your blood flow and how you think and when I first started doing this I found the first thing that left for me was road rage and I was fascinated by that because I grew up in the northeast I'm an aggressive driver it was a game I was going to get downtown ahead of those other people and and my father I think somewhere is from a genetic pool of new york taxi drivers so I was trained well, you know, on I found that start to g o so if it's going because you're letting go that's one thing if it's going because you're shutting down which is I think what you're trying to say in that that is your body saying and your mind sane to you please give me a little self care do something I need some self care I'm going to shut down and you're lucky quite honestly you're lucky that you're noticing it mentally and emotionally right now because at the same time your body's taking that physically so do something this weekend to renew yourself and then do the weekly meeting and look at the week ahead and find some places to renew yourself so that you don't have to just shut down, that you're that overwhelmed and it doesn't have to be big stuff. We can all go to canyon ranch, although I'd love to figure a way that we all didn't I wrote it off, but we can't all go to the spa for the weekend, but find the fifteen minutes that you read the junk novel, take the path, go for the walk, let the dog curl up on you and just love on it do something that renews you and gives some energy back to your brain sorrier that that overwhelmed been there done that? Because I think we all have and that's why we're in this journey together, you know, I'm grateful that you asked for help with it because that's, what we can do is help each other. This is not necessarily easy and there's no one right answer, but it's research to figure out what works and queuing into these things that tell us that it's time so there's a good q it's time this person's making me really angry there's a good q that's data, I'm getting triggered something's going on for me what I need right now now, this is a really interesting one from jules jules de photo saying, I've explained things to avoid my boyfriend, of what I need to function my best self, and he just can't seem to get it. He cares his way of showing that it is just is just different from what I need. So she's confuses what to do them because it's stressing also do I ignore it? Or do I reconsider the relationship order? I find other sources fulfillment all of the above? How about that that's? Always the answer when you don't know it is actually, except for the part about different relationship that's a longer conversation? Um, I would say that you have explained it in a way that makes sense for you, but not yet that makes sense for him, and maybe the conversation could involve more questions and more relating in the manual. There is a list of feelings and needs, and that could be very helpful in that kind of conversation. Cindy, just interrupt you there for saying she's just followed up with some more said there is no, she doesn't really have really genuine conversations anymore she's giving the example off that when they when they eat, when they cooked in he's always on his technology so she can, but she finds it very hard to converse, yeah, tricky one turkey one yeah and not that uncommon how many of you have seen people out to dinner in a lovely romantic restaurant and they're both on their phones um this is a big challenge for us as humans then the first need that you need is that conversation I need your attention I need to know that I matter enough to have a conversation with me without technology and it needs to be delivered in a very neutral loving tone you know I really love you and right now I need a little bit of you so could we schedule thirty minutes tonight that we actually just sit with each other and talk it would mean the world to me and if the answer you get for that you don't like then maybe choice b I think it was maybe something to consider but give it you know, give it some time and give it some work and the other thing is to flip it you know you've been really seemed really busy and seem very distracted and very tied into your technology what's going on for you what's happening are you stressed what's going on what do you need and sometimes that will open it up? Um I have an inner critic taming coaching yeah ask so if I'm in a big group or even sometimes hear my inner critic says like why did you say that like that didn't have any value um those types of things and so touching from the tools that you've taught us I was thinking some ways of combating that are you know, first of all being curious well, was I being authentic, which, um when I was saying those things and the answer is yes and so giving myself some compassion um so yeah, giving myself that compassion and remembering that my theme is bloom so you know, I'm growing and my one of my values his girl says to come back to just just a growing experience is it true that you expect that everything comes out of your mouth is should be right I, uh part of me yeah there's a subset of me that thinks so yeah, we don't we all do that, yeah, I do it too I can replay conversation I've had in seventh grade if you like, I really don't want to be that bored, but I can I can replay that one a few, right? Um and the expectation is that everything that comes out of your mouth is going to be just earth shatteringly deep and wonderful or perfect comedic delivery it's not you're human, you're in conversation and you're doing the best you could dio so do put that hand on your heart and say good job and let's stop analyzing that's already come out of my mouth you know I don't need to analyze what's come out let's be present with what I need right now so take a nice good long deep breath in and let that sit and still doing you know that that's a great place for the quick visualization thie slowing your breath down, becoming aware of the breath coming in and out of your heart area and pulling up a positive emotion and stopping that track of analysis and criticism just pick another one you can't you can't really stop that one it's like it um and I apologize to anybody where this really lands when you get an air worm song trying to stop singing it is the same is trying to stop that negative fought loop you've got to replace it, so replace it with the gratitude replace it with a positive feeling I really apologize if I just added a song to your life e jean marie's favourite is a polish pop song actually school slavic girls is by donald tonight claire and she sings it to me all the time and I have to keep saying to stop because once it gets in there I know she's listening to it right now you're evil on it is, you know, except you're human and it's all an experiment it really really is on the people who have succeeded are the ones who have failed the most they're willing to take the risk to fail of this same what my friend and I called the blurt, did you blurt that's when the thing comes out that you're really the minute it's like out of your mouth and you want to go? Oh, can I just have that back? Right now? I want it back, that's, really stressful, because you're going to replay it for days, just days at a time. No, you will, and give yourself some grace.