Having the Optimal Mindset
Erica here comes yours later I'm going to do this later so tell me why do you think you procrastinate um I think there's a piece of it that is the perfectionism I'm not good enough and I'm not going to get this done the way I want to get it done or maybe I don't the solution isn't a parent tio go right in and do it um but then there's also some little or things that that doesn't apply to um then you've just gotten good at it yeah yeah I got in a habit er regardless yeah regardless of maybe even if there's a reason or not I've gotten in the habit of putting things off so that's a really good point it's like people who run late there's a reason in the big beginning that they do that gets lost and it becomes a habit so it doesn't take effort to be light it's it doesn't take much effort to procrastinate but the reasons were still usually there in the beginning and perfectionism is definitely one of them we put stuff off because we don't think we can do it perfectly but it may even be less ...
less abrupt or less less of a gap than that we put it off because we don't feel we have the confidence to do it or were unclear about it that could be another reason we procrastinate is we don't we can't really see that goal that well we haven't done it because we haven't figured it out we are thinking in terms of the end result, we want this to be done, but we're very unclear about what it takes to get to their um we know that if we want to have a clean house it's going to take dusting and vacuuming and wiping et cetera, but other goals we form in life were not is clear we want to be healthier, we wanna have more energy when I was clear about what it takes to get there, so we put it off and so then there's an opportunity to back up and say, well, maybe my first goal isn't getting there may be my first goal is researching why that's overwhelming me and teasing that apart so that it has pieces to it that I can explore and I may have some power exploring it so that so use your procrastination is information I I understand the procrastination gene and I know that I put things off sometimes because I want to do them well or I'm just overwhelmed or sometimes I'm overwhelmed by something else, so I can't handle this one, I think that's part of it for me as well um, there's a situation where even I need to respond to someone I just and I want to do this is direct to write an e mail and I don't really feel like there's anything I don't know or that I have to craft this perfect email but it didn't get done in them the first week and then every day I don't do it it's just that much later and I think about it all the time and I just don't do it wow are you spending a lot of it yeah I think about the stupid e mail all the time I'm not stressed about the message in the email you know I'm not but now I'm stressed I wasn't stressed initially about the message in the email wasn't something bad or anything like that but now that it's been such a delay I'm stressed about the message because it's so so untimely the message still needs to be given but it's just so delayed an untimely that it has gotten way worse than it would have been if I had just something you love that e write that email during the break I'm gonna have teo so any insights as you tell me that story what was really going on? Well, I think that I probably I think in some way like we're talking about with the habits I have the limiting belief that I'm just not going to do it so it's not a surprise to me when I don't do it um there's even a little rebellion there yeah I don't want to do it don't make me do it when I'm supposed to do it right and then they did like so solid yours though it is so much worse yeah um but yeah why why also and it and I didn't do it right away look because legitimately uh like my id people in town and I just didn't need to do it at that point but then it just got so much you know then that it when I did have time to do it I just didn't do it if I flip this and ask you what was your motivation for not doing it I was out of town with my cousin now what was your salvation for not doing it a motivation for now what did you gain by not doing it it's an interesting question to ask yourself when you're in the middle of I there's probably I'm not in touch with it but there's uh I probably have some like addiction toe worrying so I'm getting worry out of our um and I haven't let's not anything that I like processed or anything but I I probably have an addiction to worry or something like that and I'm just finding it that I'm just making it happen there what's this story and you're eurosport to keep going with here with me you can say stop but what's the story you're telling yourself as you do that that you were a person who um well I don't know that this is not answered your question but um I don't know how reliable so I don't feel reliable but I don't I don't think that connects with your question what I know that that's it I'm a person who doesn't keep up right yeah and so you're you're feeding a story that isn't really you is it right? Correct yeah yeah and that's what's behind these stupid mind games we play with ourselves we all do it we all have all these background stories that are driving the elephant and there and sometimes it takes when we're really frustrated enough stopping and saying you know this comes back to the same thing what's the data what story and expectations that I am I adding to it what's needed who do you want to be? So who do you want to pay? I want to be a person that is reliable and gets things off my plate when I could soon as I can and you so can be yeah and you've probably done it in other areas she has been early every day to be here I know she could do it it um so you know it's sometimes it's just this quick little tease into what my adding to this right and why am I doing it and that there's no like magic one that cures all of procrastination but but when we add some curiosity to it and say what what am I doing it's interesting any comments? Um I think people have really identified with what erica's saying here so yes they could identify yeah think is resonating with our online audience for sure yeah so I think we've covered that stress gets in the way of picking the things that you want to do that it hijacks your brain and we think we've covered a good bit of you have a choice of the mind set that you want to take when you want to change a habit and their spaces in the workbook and I really recommend we go through some of this a little bit together picking one is an example but I recommend you print this off several times and go through more deeply on your own and really nails something but we'll go through them together as you write your optimal mindset but I think everybody can understand at this point that your mindset is your best tool it's it's you that you bring the intention and this curiosity and comb and compassion encourage that you bring to choosing what you want to do and we've discussed that there are a number of derailing thoughts out there that can get us off track any other derailing thought processes come up besides procrastination or perfectionism any other patterns of thought that the people noticed that send him off course um I had a light bulb moment few once ago um every time I tried to lose weight, the light ball moment was that I had the limiting belief and the critic within me was that I sabotaged myself, so within my mind I knew that I sabotaged myself like that was just the mindset, not the I had deceptive you've already written the end of the story so that when I you know, I want those certain way home from work and I drove into crispy cream, it wasn't a surprise because this is, you know, I'm good for a little but that's just what I know about the fact I know about me is I'm good for a little bit, and then I sabotaged myself when I go to prison it's hot and now, right? And so it just that was a really big epiphany, teo, to realize that that was my expectation of myself, and so I met my expectation, and so in a way, you were meeting your goal, whereas you go was to complete the story you'd already written, right? And it wasn't a story that so you're successful. Yeah, and now I've never exactly, and it wasn't a story that I really like explicitly said in my head, yeah, um but it was just yet this is this is the way I am this is what I d'oh yeah, and so yeah, it wasn't a surprise like always I here I am because is that ideo yeah so I know that one I'm from the land of krispy kreme yeah, and we do that so it's it's interesting to in the middle of trying to do something like this ask yourself what your story is of the moment you know, what's the data what's the story what am I really expecting not the ones that I have just told my friends you know I'm gonna lose ten pounds but what am I really expecting and an address it because unless you d'oh, you won't make the path any common simon uh I can relate to that abed sometimes say, um well, with writing creative writing there's probably some story and they're like, oh, yeah, I won't you know, I if I have a school of okay I'm going to write every day there's there's a part of me that's probably saying, you know, you stopped right in the past you're probably stop again there might be that you know, it's just a matter of how long yeah, yeah. So I fulfill my goal. Yeah, some mindset and intention have to be really deep inside of you into the elephant they can't just be this thing out here with a lot of story in between in order to really change a habit you have to want it you have to want it with all the parts of you you have to want it with a tired parts of you you have to want it with it irritated parts of you you have to win it with the parts of you that are in a group of relatives you don't want to be with during all these situations you have to want it any other dis railing dis reeling yeah and just made a word derailing thought patterns coming up I liked this railing as well rebellion was coming up in security is another one oh yeah we're battalion is interesting rebellion is our need for control so it's one of those cycles of we want to control the habits that we're choosing and what we're controlling is the way we're going to resist him and it's a natural instinct we do not like to be pushed on so when we have picked a goal that feels like it's pushing on us even if it came from us we do not like to be told what to do remember our intrinsic drivers or autonomy mastery and purpose we like to pick and even when we picked for ourselves isn't something that isn't resonating all the way through rebellions occurring there's also a gain often to rebellion that feeling of control so it's interesting to look at that as you go through and think about this so thank you for sharing that insecurity was the other one jiggle in security yeah yeah um and that speaks to the confidence part and we're going to talk a little bit more about this but don't take on anything until you've built your confidence up a little bit except for taking on the things you're confident you can dio and find your confidence in the places where you've already done stuff we've mentioned this before but humans are amazingly good at listing their failures they're amazingly good at listening their weaknesses I sit in a room with one hundred high achievers and we do strengths and weaknesses work and I see them you know we get two weaknesses there sometimes they don't want you know reveal a few things but for the most part they're just totally into self ragging on themselves and then they have lists and we get to strengthen you see everybody squirm you get two successes and we've carried humility too far there's a way to be have humility and not brag but still feel confident in what you can do and not let it feed your insecurity so speaking of it good well I was some derailing thoughts um you know being afraid of failure but then also success can you talk a little bit about being I wish I could say except to mine the there's a famous quote about that that what we fear most is not our failure but that we might succeed and I just tart terribly botched that but that that concept what if you are fully bloomed right? Wow that's kind of scary and will it come with more responsibility? Will it come with something you can't handle? Well come with a ton of uncertainty and that's why thinking of the end out there who am I fully there back away from it so you know this is what I want but today I need to think about who my tomorrow and I can handle that part and I think to with that just coming back to all the things we've learned in terms of one of my at my best this instead of me thinking about well what if you know I am successful in all this just being grounded and like you said like I'm just wanting to be my best you know, moment to moment day by day and then take it work and that comes back teo ah habit that maybe helpful for the insecure or the person who's worried about this and that's the hand on the heart and I am good enough right now as I am I accept my life as I am I accept myself as I am right now I'm good enough because there are plenty of voices inside your head saying you're not and what gives those voices power and what doesn't give those voices power and that's an interesting thing to tease out so most most inner critics have a theme and it's some version of I'm not good enough because it's criticizing you so clearly you're not measuring up in some way but we each individually have something that we tend to feel a version of that not good enough there's a place in here on the page before that you can actually write that down but what? What are some of the things that inner critics say what's your version of I'm not good enough because we put our own spin on it which makes it special er if you're if I were to look through your brain and into your inner a critic what would it say, son? It would say things like uh uh yeah stupid decision or failure your decision? Yeah that's but it's yeah, it was interesting so like last night just isn't a good example here I was looking at some of the creative life courses and there's one tim ferriss on yeah so big fan out and you know but my my brain instead of going like, wow that's really exciting course I'm like, wow, well why am I not a success? A successful is tim farriss you know what e where did I go botch things up for like, you know you spent more than four hours so said and then any imminent spirals from that land over right, I love that term I don't know who started it but friend minds mother taught it to me I love that the land of her of that constant comparison I just know it for what it iss and eventually you can even put the hand there if you care to but you eventually laugh with yourself that you do that look, there I go in my er path I'm on the air path again, you know, and then putting that into perspective of that's not my best path that's not the path it gets anything done for me I'm so comfortable on that path and in fact I can say this after working in a psychology office for ten years humans arm or comfortable in their misery then in the concept of change to get out of it we know it we're happier if we know our enemy and know what to deal with, then the uncertainty of getting out of there so just smile with it and say, wow, it's simon's land over and get back on the yellow brick road that's out of the land over uh mine is that I'm not going to do it right I have a lot of things around right and these air related yeah and something that mantra theme that I have to sort of help with that when I'm in a situation is I release fear and rise to a challenge and that has helped me nice affirmation. Yeah, an affirmation that helped me sort of get through it a little bit. Yeah, so good what's coming in from it's really interesting some of the things that people are saying I thought this was very interesting. This comes from sally, I hope I'm saying that right there, saying when people feel alone and isolated that's when they tend to get motivated because they want to change it's headed, but it seems to be very short term because they feel if it doesn't go anywhere, then they adopt that as thie the reason for it failing. I'm not sure what rianna means here, but brianna just said bluntly, well, why bother trying? You'll fail, but maybe they're saying that's how they feel rather that I hope I do t o so I hope that the end of this session, you feel really empowered to try something I think they were using that that's a very mature robinson and I this is a bit of a depressing one because we're looking at the reasons we fail, but I want you to be empowered by the pieces and recognize what you do yourself so that you can find some ways around it, you can find some tools and some tricks to move through it. Simon this is very interesting no so about subconscious patterns so you would had us you know, he would mention like to write down this r how this thought I am good enough right is kind of this thing and I just looked down in my notebook and I had written down I am not good enough like I have really seriously wow on that crazy so like sub contours there's some there's ultra dice in the room well, no biting his pen does some deep pattern that I mean that you know that that looks like this is this underlying will you cross that out right now right the other way? But you can I mean, obviously if one has that kind of I think we all like you said people have this kind of fraud syndrome if we dio esto like if that's on there it's it's you're not goingto you know that's very hard you're always going toe you try toe so everybody right now just put a hand right on your chest and hold it there and say I'm good enough to say to yourself I'm good enough and notice what you feel if most people feel little resistance and then it starts to soften a little bit I'm good enough just the way I am I'm good enough I did this in a room of a large corporate setting and tear started to flow much to the chagrin, until everybody realized and had this ah ha, that as humans, we're all walking around with this awful feeling of not being good enough and that's just not helpful and until we are society reinforces it. We always hear of the person who's bet her or dunmore or, you know, our society has ways of reinforcing it, and we we don't we call it bragging if you say you are good enough, but what if they're just good enough? You're good enough just the way you are right now and there is your power, and it may take some practice that maybe the habit you need it may take some practice toe own that. And does that mean that when you're stressed out or something really has happened, you won't have doubt again? No, but you have a path back from it. I have a saint of written in my blog's several times about, you know, sometimes I feel like a total fraud, like the before picture in stress management because I've had a lot going on, and when I don't give myself the grace to realize I, you know, I get to feel some of this, I get to feel cem cem fear over what I'm doing when I don't give myself my grace, I feel like a total fraud we all have these go to places and I know that's my go to place and I know what I need to do around it it doesn't mean that my brain doesn't have such a well worn path decades worn path of going down there and saying listen cindy you're not good enough in fact you're a fraud and somebody's going to discover it I have that path I know I go there but I have some tools to get myself off of it and that's what this whole thing is about developing the habits developing them mindsets developing the awareness to know how to get out of the things that sabotages that makes sense to everyone. I hope so because it's it's really it's really, really, really important sounding just wants to come back because she was irritated that I misrepresented her earlier she's saying there is a major contradiction in all this in one way there is and she then quotes you are good enough just the way you are end quote and then there is the message quote, why did you do that? You really need to change okay to show what the point is they're on clare of aria's also irritated them I paraphrase that so let's go for it wow let's play in that pool can you need to change if you're good enough already or can you want to change if you're good enough already yes, you can you can be good enough already and still want to play with the way you look at life in the things you do it's far better to do it from that state than it is because you're not good enough so you need to change you should change I hope you hear the difference in that I personally my belief is that humans thrive when they continue to grow their whole lives. That doesn't mean you're not good enough at each stage is a toddler who falls on the ground because he hasn't learned to walk yet not good enough we're all growing we're all changing and the beauty of the brain is it changes until the day we die so this is just choosing how we want to grow it but it each step of it you are where you are and you're good enough I hope that sinks in I really don't you know it's not about that we're not doing everything right and it's not about that stresses the enemy it's that we're losing energy, we're losing happiness and health we're even losing our money to stress so let's build some habits so we don't lose those but it's not about us not being good enough it's about us not internalizing that we aren't good enough and if their habits that help you feel stronger then go for him I hope that sinks in that's I'm not sure I totally understood the question, but yes, we'll hear back up, so I want everyone to see, well e I want everyone to feel like they're empowered and that they're good enough right now. Now, alex from london's asking and really interesting question they say they've read a lot of books on affirmations, ashley from a very young age from nine, but they've never actually worked for them. They're saying affirmations and man, is there a different way? Obviously, this hasn't worked, so probably what came along with your affirmation habit was a habit of talking back to it immediately of a reason it wasn't true, so I would put it down, I would completely put it down and I'd come to something more basic of I'm good enough or just do the do the heart math thing where you just pull up a feeling of appreciation of gratitude, get away from trying to convince yourself you're good get to it through another path. Um, I it's funny because in the world of coaching affirmations or huge and I have the same resistance, when I first started doing them and I would post them on my bulletin board, I do all that stuff all I felt was really sort of pissed off it's because I felt like a fraud. Because I didn't really feel what that affirmation said so if that's not your path go to gratitude and that's the beauty of this we are all different find the one that works for you I've always um I've already mentioned this movie it's not you it's me fun fun way to look at all the voices in her head I want you to think because we've talked about all of these different obstacles that get in our way where's your power in the face of these obstacles and one way to think about that is what's an obstacle you've already gotten through what's a habit you've already created and how did you do it even though it's so hard what worked for you that is really a huge question you've already managed you guys air you know online listening to something in this self help sort of world you've already managed an enormous number of things an enormous amount of growth how did you get here? What works for you going back your strengths going back to your values but one of the other things you've put in place what do your tools in the face of these obstacles um I brought up the weight loss obstacle and um when I really narrow down the why and like I really had a very powerful why behind the weight loss then it was a lot easier no, my wife is we'll have a few but like I really internalize and understood that I was poisoning my body with some of the things that I was addicted tio not drugs but like food and that also I'm going to be an older mom and so I want to be ah healthy older mom for my kids um and in the past like three months I've lost twenty five pounds who row it's really worked yeah yeah lovely yeah when I was an older mom and they actually wrote on the door of the hospital room elderly grava which is the medical term for older mama's you know, it just doesn't have a good feel to it right but good luck with that love that you came back here why so finding these tools any other ideas of tools that work when you when you need to get through these things it's interesting some of the questions that are coming through about tools and about things lime asses just I'ma some stories just saying one of things that they try to remember is you are good enough as long as you try to improve um and that's whether you succeed or no that some of them yeah they take onboard now desperately desperately peri menopausal just trying to get it all out dp yes, my confusion is how can I believe that that I am good enough in data shows that I have not specifically and see succeeded in certain that business for themselves wow that's a really big limiter isn't yeah it iss on dh so some work around that story I'll bet there's more success there than you see if you pick different metrics I've been through that one um because if I went to when I first started business if I went to the financial metrics and I compared myself to anyone it was a joke you know I was not approaching it in the way that I quote should um find the metrics where you are succeeding and they're going to feed the others they really will take some time and really limit out really list out list out the things you didn't know when you start business that you know now list out the the networking that you've done that's worked list out the things that you've done it worked and just sit with us don't let your mind fight back at them just sit with him for a little bit and you'll find that you've got more tools than you think there are times when you you come to the insight that this is not the right business for me um not everybody is cut out to be an entrepreneur and I have spent many many days thinking that was not me it's a tough road to be in business for yourself and there are times when it's costing more than you want it to cost it's costing your happiness it's costing your joy and your health but before you get to that state, just sit with your successes for a little bit, even if you see places where you have the data that you're not measuring up there's day that you are measuring up so own that first and then make a wiser decision about what you want to do going forward I hope that helps angela made a comment as well of that same maybe the success is realizing you're not succeeding on that particular path, so maybe it's time to change your path, right? Successive yeah, we tend to beat our heads against the wall it's, you know, determined and we're very bad it letting go of a gold it's frustrating us any questions from erica or simon any thoughts on this particular segment? This is really engaged our community they've really comes to life with comments and good chatting amongst themselves, so I have some homework for them between now and the next one. Um, the homework is to think about a habit that you really want to take through the workbook and say it doesn't have to be the habit you land on, but let's do the practice pick something that sounds exciting to try a tiny little thing and we're going to test it and take it through the process we can definitely going I mean, I think the breath would be really useful for audience let's definitely okay all right, because I love ending that way so you guys know the drill by now you put your feet down get yourself little situated if I work on the ground and just put your hand down a little bit and just take a nice cleansing breath in and out and then we're going to do the five counting and I'm gonna talk to during the first five then you'll hold five and out five breath in and out and breath in how are you right now? Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually hold two, three four five out two three, four five in what do you need in this moment in any of those domains physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually hold two, three, four, five out two three, four five who do you want to be as you breathe in for five hold two, three, four, five out two, three, four five open your eyes and let your breath come back to normal and let all those and good chemicals roam around I feel scared I like it, theo a great way to end a segment now just remind us before we go into our brake what the homework is that we really need to encourage people to do yeah give you homework and then we all went to the zen place through the the homework is that you want to just pick a habit you know, picking can have stressed to itself go do what you need to do, eat stretch, do what you need to do and little of this information percolate and then take a few minutes and just think about of all the different ideas of habits we've talked about over the last few sessions, what is one little thing you think? Wow, that would give me more energy, and I kind of want to try it what's one little step you'd like to take, and we're going to put it into the process of testing it, making it a goal you can manage. We're gonna be talking about gold in our next session segment rather because we're committing goals to success. What we can't be covering them, we come back from alan, we're going to take that the habit choice that you make, and we're going to make it into a nice, clean, smart go, and we're going to talk about all the things we just talked about where you could go off track. How can you consent yourself up not to do that so it's developing a system that is used over and over again? Whenever you decide that there's something you want to change, how can you get your brain to help you do it?