Why You Should Put Up Guardrails
It is time to drive it home we've got some pumped up energy going and we're gonna drive it home and you're gonna commit to doing something I didn't mean be committed you're going to commit to doing something so you have this goal you've got this goal that we've been mulling over is it smart? You fine tuned it a little bit make it smarter talked about some of the things that could get in the way let's let's really go for what could definitely get in the way you've heard this multiple times and go say it one more time do you have the mindset you need to make your golf? What was your best mindset and do you have it in mind for this goal? Do you feel calm? Clear, courageous, compassionate? Are you curious a little curious about it? These are the kinds of things that end the individual things that you add onto that what are those things that pull it out of you? Because you're in this space the space that I think simon describes so well the other day where you're more open and you notice thi...
ngs feel alive and open and clear this present space presence is a lovely word but are you in the mindset with this goal and you know when you are you really do you know when you're in and dealing versus thie yeah this is mine I got it so if you're feeling some doubt along the way, working through your goal first step back like with all stress management step back and say what's my mindset, where am I right now and see if you can develop the mind set and then come back to it because you're gonna have your power that way you really will, but they're going to be times when you need to be held a little bit with every big goal I can certainly say the creative live team held me through parts of creating thiss goal um there times when you need help along the way, so I call this putting up the guard rails and they're two kinds of guard rails that I want to talk about for behavior change the first of the environmental guard rails, so if I were to say I wanted to give up sugar and I left on the break and I go into the kitchen there's three beautiful containers off sorbet and gelato there, it makes it harder that's an environmental q we take in so many environmental cues a lot of them that we don't even know we're really not aware of them in fact, the majority of them are subconscious, so if we want to change a behavior we wantto actively think about lining up the cues to meet that behavior, so what might that look like? With your particular goal start to think about the things that would keep you on track or the things that tend to sabotage you environmentally, even little tiny things like we mentioned before keeping the gym close close by doing little things that say to you, you do this little things that reinforce your vision environmentally, the all the little data that we're taking in when I worked with somebody who's been kind of stuck in a business decision or whatever they're working on and they're they're really quite stuck quite often we will leave wherever they are and go work what I call off site we will get out of that space because if you're sitting at the same desk stuck with all of the same information visual information around you oh it's like that stuff holds energy and it's holding you in this stuck you've got to get out of there, you got to shake it up and change to get unstuck. So knowing that that's how we operate knowing that the environment affects our behavior hugely, what air the environmental cues you could do to keep yourself on track with your habit change if you want to eat healthy, what should what oh my god, I used the should word take that back? What could you or would you want to put in your home if you're trying to eat healthy opening the pantry door and staring at a bunch of awful snacks is not going to help, especially if you're trying to use a little bit of willpower in there. You just made it ten times harder. So what are some environmental cues that would support your goal? Um, so when I walk in the door, we have a place for keep me to put my keys. So where I put my keys, I could have a sticky note that says something like, what do you get to complete today or something like that? Love it? Yeah, you're re attention to your intention environmentally, what is an environmental cue that tends to get you off course? What is something you look at her see that distracts you off of your goals. The couch, the couch, she says from the cow uh, yeah, I just have the computer. Okay? Peter and I may have to get on the computer to dio what it is. Um, but the deal that I have with myself is I walk in the door, identify what it is and then do that before I do anything else love it, love it. And isn't it funny that she knew right away that the couch calls her name? We know this stuff we know where we trip up, we know where we land so we can set ourselves up to not be influenced by that as much now I don't suggest that you remove your couch it is but just knowing that your tendencies to go get on the couch lets you create a mind set about that doesn't it? You can see that you know what? I actually have a choice just because it sits there doesn't mean I have to get on it right? So just being aware of where you tend to fall off can be really important. How about for you, simon? Uh well, for the since the goal is to write when I wake up then having the computer you know, star notebook where are you know kind of there waiting for me in the morning and then the other half to make sure I don't check my phone in the morning what I used to do in the past, I, um like um put my phone on airplane mode when I got a bed. So then because I use my phone is their alarm clock alarm then the what I what the travel go I turn off my alarm that I seen text messages so you know, I just turned put the phone on airplane mode nice that part nice, so if you need simon overnight that's a really good one though we know what distracts us and we need to remove it because it's it's as if it has power sucking us in we need to actually remove it from from pulling at us and then put other things in place like your sticky note that inspire us so that's controlling our environment to keep us on the path any ideas coming in from think about the environmental issues and and other things that for environmental awareness because alex in london is curious if some people are going to be more likely to persist than others, you're going to be more likely to you know stick to your path stick with the guard rails etcetera because he's recently read for example, the study of the delayed gratification is a better measurement for success than it is I read that too, huh? I was a little upset so I had some eminem's the reason behind that study there was a study that showed that if you are able to accept delayed gratification you have a higher likelihood of success to me that is a measure of your ability to control your focus because if you could delay your gratification if you can accept delayed gratification you're not looking for immediate in point you're able to hold a go out there longer and get there in stay persistent now I've seen the flip side of delayed gratification and overachievers they get so used to delay gratification that they never feel like they landed and I don't think that's a good thing, it's always you know, the carrots always moving. You can never accept that you made a goal because, you know, there's another one and you keep moving that and you could beat yourself up in that mode, and I've seen a lot of that, but yes, I I do think that, you know, mastering delayed gratification comes from doing things like this from methodically going through and saying, I have a goal and I want a married shit and their steps I need to take to get it that's actually training delayed gratification because the gratification is that you have the success and that takes work and you're putting together the pieces, the steps that you take to get to a goal that takes work, but hopefully in a way that makes it easier and not just frustrating, I have that make sense to you because that, um a great question, the funny study, I'm sure they'll use that to rationalize a lot of school programs or early working in corporations it's so the next, the next one that I want to talk about is social ever heard of the frenemy? We have people who hold us socially, and we have people who don't hold us socially, we all walk around putting people into boxes and having expectations for their behaviors. We all do it just own it now we do it I love to say I'm a people watcher well, what am I doing? I'm sitting there making up stories about other people I'm doing that same thing, but for the people that we interact with a lot, we tend to hold each other in certain places, especially within a family dynamic or a group of friends who work together or hang together. If one person's decided to change something that can really make waves, it can stir up if if you're in my group and you and we all go out and we eat junk food and you decide you're going to eat healthy, I might feel threatened by that actually and I may not have words for that I may have no words for that I may just be sensing an anxiety and I'm a take that out as being a little bit irritable with you or doing something to sabotage your choice to eat healthier oh, come on, it's just a french fi you know it's just one we we just naturally do this and if you want to change a habit it's really important to identify the people who truly support you versus the people who are going to make it a little bit harder, you may need to make some boundaries around the people who are going to make get a little bit harder and hang with the seth godin tribe of people who are going to make it easier. So simon, you're going to take a class with other people who were want to write is putting yourself around the people who support you they have this shared gold that we talk about and like the lovely creative life community who wrote in to support you those are the people you want around you we need social support especially because I remember I said earlier that when you go to change something, sometimes you can feel kind of alone there's this weird part of is it feels like we're probably the on ly person in the entire world who's giving up sugar what was us way we tend to feel alone I felt I was working way late into the night packing boxes you think I was the only person who never moved? I'm not the only person ever moved and I'm moving energies and circumstances but that's not what it felt like an eleven o'clock at night uh you need support and I reached out and actually got support from a friend you need the people who truly hold you and really support you I'd love to hear a frenemy story from someone because we all have those somebody who is acting like they're holding us, but they don't really want us to succeed as much they tend to exist in families um siblings are really good for that. Siblings can be very good for that, you know? Oh, that's really great. I want you to do that mom's gonna like him better, so I'm probably not gonna do that and these air childish stories but they live in us. They just totally live in us all these weird little stories, so I'd love to hear some examples from you. All of somebody who's really supported you. Somebody who's been there when you had to do something hard and they can't do it for you. This isn't somebody doing it for you, but it's somebody who's in your camp somebody who makes it easier for you to be your best you is there someone like that in your life your husband and have is what does that feel like? Tio? Very safe. Ah there's a big word, isn't it? Yeah, you know, being vulnerable isn't that probably isn't an issue because it's a safe space um so be able teo, you know, talk about different emotions or feelings feeling shortcomings, that kind of thing it's when I talk about them it's easier to then sort of be lifted up from it so it's a nice to have him to just be ableto talk to as he sort of active listens so that's the sign of a good relationship yeah yeah and not everyone has that so cherish it ay dio I cherish it simon is there someone in your life who has helped you through a tough part or a change you wanted to make I mean many people but when you're talking about something that really pushes me out I have a friend um jean kind of a surrogate father here and he still just always be very you know, totally non judgmental, encouraging and like with the writing in particular he's when that's always just always like really believes that you know the my writing ability and you know that you don't have something special share and encouraging that mmm so lovely yeah that that so I think that kind of that's a gift in our encouragement and you know help you know leave me a voice mail just randomly you know, just kind of those kind of voice mails like I'll keep they're just so kind of encouraging that chills yeah eso that kind of if you know person you know and so um yeah I would say yeah so if we want to be our best selves and we wanna have strength in the face of stress these are the people we collect in our lives and you may be out there saying like I don't have one you know how how do we get those people but you do have them probably already and you developed them and you you you've learned to see when they happen sometimes it's a stranger sometimes it's not somebody you're close with but it's a stranger who sees something in you and hold you in that space and I as I'm talking about some sort of thinking about how you have this inner critic voice in your head that saying, you know, I doubt it you're not gonna make it yari adriana so building up these voices out there that affirm you gives you power in the balance if you can't find within you enough voices to keep that inner critic quiet, having these other people and recognizing does help, it really does has anybody had an experience of somebody sort of resisting they're changing behavior, they've decided to do something new and you feel some resistance? Um I'm thinking about sixth grade girls, they show a lot of this it's you decide you're going to do something different in this person says they're supportive, but they're often also probably handing you the extra french fry at the same time. Oh yes, we've got a great example of that here ri an inn? Yes, she says, I kind of lost it now, actually, but I want to find this because it was quite good I told my husband not to bring me home candy because I was drying so he would bring home twice the amount eyes now he's now her ex husband oh, ok maybe that's an extreme example but this is yeah, but it's like you're saying yeah, yeah the frenemy who was more enemy than friend yeah on but I felt I I've I've been aware when I've done that actually like if you have a friend who's on a diet really strict one but you go to a restaurant you almost feel slightly frustrating thing with and why you here if you're not going to eat anything right you stepped sort of subconsciously say, well, you know, you look great but everyone you try but it's very disheartened to the person who is on that isthe because it because as we've talked about behavior changes so so hard and are we really supporting a person or we supporting, you know, sometimes it's done out of good intention sometimes it's done? If you know I feel you I feel your stress that you're trying so hard to stand this diet and I want to give you permission to know that you're ok just the way you are and let you lighten up. But in reality, it's not really supporting their choice it's not always with bad intention and it doesn't always need to turn into an ex, but but recognizing it and so you're not going to get rid of everybody in your life who isn't supporting every decision but sometimes you need to know that if you're doing something hard, they're different people that are harder to be around in that group. If you are trying not to drink alcohol, just hang around with a bunch of people are going to the bar is pretty darn hard. You need to find some other activities for the moment and sometimes it's temporary, and sometimes it leads to a long term choice of how to spend your time with other people but recognize that we have power in each other's behavior. Ultimately, we have autonomy, we choose for ourselves. But boy, is that hard under peer pressure, your pressure, interesting adolescence to come to peer pressure more the adolescent has there a quiet period in the frontal lobe in the brain development, which explains some adolescent behavior quite well that the frontal lobe was quiet. It also explains why somebody who's had too much to drink, has some adolescent behavior or completely gives up on their willpower because they've just put the frontal lobe to sleep. I experienced that myself because I actually got developed a really very severe reaction to alcohol. So I had to stop drinking. But it bothered so many people. And they put the pressure on it. I'll just have one. Just can't keep pushing anything. Why is this bothering? You didn't bother me, but they were not supportive at all. It was just kicking it have fastened. You must be over it by now. Try. Try taking a drink. No, but it but environmentally really doesn't. It affects everybody else except the person who's trying. Yeah, yeah, but if you had been struggling with it, that would have made it even harder. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if I'd given up drinking for another reason more severe right now, that would be in terrible pressure. Yeah, yeah. So you're great to recognize, you know, we we do do this to each other on dh as we become more mindful we do it less. But being mindful immediately that people are going to do this is you go to change a behavior. People are going to be supportive in different ways. I just made a really hard decision toe live the leave this place where I've lived for twenty four years. I have the most amazing friends and telling my friends I was leaving. I've gotten a variety of the reactions I'm moving to a place where I don't really know that many people and after a while, it got comical because people would say to me, really, you don't know anyone there, like start to think I got beyond the point of feeling like, could you support me a little more? Tio tio yeah, that's, right? I'm crazy that's it but but what I was hearing and I know this is true and I love them and I what I was hearing was their fear of are separating and I became the person had to reassure you is that you probably became the president to reassure that you were okay not having the alcohol. I became the person who had to reassure these people that it was all going to be safe even though I was changing what was happening and that's a really common thing that humans do, so just raising your awareness of it if you wantto create a goal and make it get some real chili burgers, coaches that's the reason this industry exists coaches khun b that person because sometimes it needs to be somebody who has no emotional attachment to you whatsoever sometimes it needs to be somebody who's really just more objectively helping you look at your life and hold you, and a lot of people will use a coach for that and really find success because that person doesn't have the agenda other than supporting you. Says that coach can be a professional coach. That coach could be somebody that you found who falls into that role for you, so use that cactus ladies saying she has very many supportive friends and she's given one as an example who was a couch potato, but when I needed someone to walk, they started getting up on our earlier to go to the gym with me. Oh, isn't that lovely way or absolutely well, like someone like that in our lives, I'm sure yeah, I cannot imagine ever having exercised without my friends, you know, for I think I told you off for years three of us walk together in the morning and it was multi purpose because it wasn't just getting the exercise and going fast cause one of us was mad, but it was it was therapy, it was the holding those were true friends, they are true friends, they they still are friends, but but so, so important to find those people who hold us socially and preferably, we don't go back to their house and it's full of junk food. So looking for those environmental cues and those social cues and keeping them in mind just knowing that we're only conscious of a little bit and we want to control some of the other stuff that's going on to set ourselves up to win so putting the phone in the other room so that you can't jump on it that's a great step is a huge step because you know, you have an impulse to do it and I know so many people who have had the same issue that when we switched from using the alarm clock to using the phone for alarms, it rationalized us sleeping with our phones and the first thing you turn it on to see what time it is but of course there's three text messages underneath that clock and those text messages were saying, sammy, guess what? I've got something to tell you and you should see me now that's what they d'oh so knowing that that it that is there and it can hook you you want to unhook you want to take that step so that you can't get hooked that's being proactive about this, any questions on any of that giving lots of examples online here? So talk because I feel the examples help each other yeah, I mean angst puppies, same what you do with the friends who always seemed to be in competition with you that's a good one yeah, even if they're not, you're not kind consciously participating in this competition, but socially it seems that they're not a guardrail rail it's you know that they're competing with you and trying to perhaps throw you off whatever your courses that's a good time for some non violent communication that we talked about in the earlier session toe actually call it out and reflected back and say, wow, it feels like you're competing with me on this I would love your support call it out or went, you know, using non violent communication, you just said this that's the data that makes me feel like you're competing with me and I need your support on this one and that contain eggs and real courage but boy can nip some of that in the bud just simon, when with my parents there, uh when I was gonna apply to graduate school, there was approach was like, well, it's not very practical I think you know, the whole wall it's more the whole career of a writer think so I think you know, that's that's a tricky one where it's it iss you know where you know somebody they you know, they want the best for you, but their belief is that this particular path isn't yeah, the best for you or, you know, based on their own circumstances and we love them and you care what they think right at the same time you're stressed can be reduced if you detach that from them giving data to your inner critic well, maybe they're right they're tapping your self doubt they're allowed to have their doubts so there's a boundary that needs to occur there, they're allowed to have their doubts and what they gave you actually was a gift because if you really want to do it and they doubt you could do it, you just gotta gift you're going to go for it, it's just I missed that last that's a gift because you've just been told you can't do it and you want to do it, so you're going to go for it. The doubters give you a gift, they give you a commitment to really doing what you want to do if you don't really want to do it, you're gonna bag it uh, but if you really want to do it, the people who doubt you actually wind up pushing you forward a little bit you mean because you khun proving them wrong it's exactly, exactly and it clarifies for you that it's a goal you want if you weren't sure it was your goal and they said we don't think it's a good idea, it's not practical if you weren't really sure it was your goal, you would have said, yeah, maybe you're right eventually it probably would've involved a whole lot more words and discussion and maybe some emotions, but eventually you would have also said you're right, but you're sitting here saying I'm going to write every day even though I had the doubt of the people who truly loved me, this is my path so that's a gift, I'm flipping it for you, you will win despite a thousand failures and you will succeed despite everyone and that that's that's really that tapping that core, tapping that really motivation that thiss just feels right, it feels like it's aligned with my purpose, so I'm going to stay the road and I know that feeling what I do doesn't fit in any box on dh I do believe my mother thought that I should have a job, that it had benefits, and, um, I don't I don't, but I absolutely when I work one on one with a client or I hear the stories that people were doing something I know I'm in the right space and I'm good with that. But there are plenty of doubters, anything coming in from the still sharing horror stories about their ex husbands. Andi, wait frenemy here? Absolutely, but some people say their parents have always been the person's been most supportive for them and I think that's fairly fairly standard nice and isn't it wonderful that you realize that a person who's in your life isn't the right fit? You're supporting your best life because the people who are in your life should be those people who are willing to partner with you not just romantically, but but socially, you know, friends, the people who are willing to partner with you to make life easier to help you be your best self. Just a question of clarification from johnny d seventy five they're saying so you advocate, isn't he that friends just shouldn't be your coaches or sometimes it does work. It sometimes works, but they need to. They need to be a true coach who is not guiding your behavior as well as holding you to allow your own behavior to occur. Thank you. So you're not getting into co dependency or any of the other things that are concurring in a closer situation. So, yeah, there's, there's, um, friends for good coaches. Coaches come in all forms, but sometimes I've of course I'm getting a skew of the people who have actually hired. But sometimes people really do benefit from going outside and saying, I want a different perspective and I want somebody who is just doing this process.